ANTM 6

Last Week: There was the conveyor belt run way challenge that Kacey won and the fight between Kacey and Lexie, which even Tyra was bored of. Lexie went home ... yawn.

Coming home from panel, everyone is mad at Anne for continuing to do really well. Kayla reminds us that she used to be really poor, which is a nice change of pace from reminding us she's a lesbian. Chelsey is about do for a mental breakdown, no? I mean, we haven't heard much from her.

The girls are split into groups for a Cover Girl challenge. Team 1: Anne, Kendal, Jane; Team 2: Kacey, Esther, Kayla (Kacey tells us that she hates being in a group and she prefers to "ride solo", probably because everyone hates her); Team 3: Liz, Chris and Chelsey (Chelsey is a bit of a micro manager).
So everyone is at Walmart the next day at the ass crack of dawn. Nigel explains to them what they will be doing for the challenge - the girls have to talk to "customers" about some new crap Cover Girl is selling. They get to buy some other crap at Walmart if they win.
Team 1 goes first and seem to do OK. Jane is a little stiff and I have trouble understanding Kendal and, of course, Anne is just super fucking creepy. Team 2 is up next! They all stand like they are giving a book report. Kacey is kinda pagenty but Kayla is adorable. Team 3? They stand too but are totally freaking awkward. Chris bowls over everyone and really comes across as a car sales man.
Some fashion journalist was there taking notes and judging them. But the crowd the girls spoke to are also judges and Nigel reveals their opinions! Wheeeeee (me rubbing my hands together)! Anne was basically "not present", Kayla does well because a gay guy in the group liked how she referred to herself as sporty - he has a sporty sister! Mmhmm... Kacey got a solid review. Chris was over powering and talked over everyone. Chelsey got sympathy points because Chris kept running over her. And that's it? Dang man, I wanted to hear more shit talking.
Awww ... Anne gets the lowest score but I guess I saw that coming since she's been doing so well, they need to cut her down a peg. The winning team is #2, with Kacey in the top. Her reaction to wining is much more subdued this time - thank god.

Everyone is bussed to Rodeo Drive and they are greeted by Mr. J. They will be working with a stylist on a photo shoot. More male models! They are just trying to make Kacey cheat, right? Anyway.
Chris gets to be with a male model all by herself (you just know Kacey hated that).
Liz and Kendal are paired together, with a male model.
Kayla and Esther are together, with a male model.
Jane and Kacey together, with male model.
Chelsey and Anne together, with male model - Chelsey is not pleased.
The whole thing was madness - they shot on Rodeo Drive and there are tourists and fucking Tyra showed up. Just way too much was going on.

Panel Time!
Kendal and Liz look fantastic but Kendal is clearly more relaxed. Her single-walking shot was great. Liz's was awful. Seriously, it sucks balls.
Esther and Kayla have an odd photo. The body language is awkward and Kayla bitches out because her shoes are too small. Esther has a good solo photo but Kayla's is awkward.
Jane and Kacey is also odd. Jane looks fantastic but Kacey looks like a bitch. Jane's solo looks fantastic but Kacey us turned away from the camera because she's a moron.
Anne and Chelsey look good, kinda like "glamazons"! Tyra is flabbergasted over how Anne is a freak but her photos are awesome. The solo is great because she's in action and looks fierce. Chelsey's is cute, just not high fashion.
Chris' turn and it's adorable. But it's more Teen Vogue than Italian Vogue. Her solo is cute, too.

I'm going to call that Chelsey might make it all the way to the final two. She's looking better every day but she's still too invested in the competition.
Anyway, called first? Anne! Again! Runner up is Jane. Good for her! Then Kendal, Esther, Chris, Chelsey, Liz.

Thunderdome Battle!
Kayla vs. Kacey! Both are beautiful but Kacey is dull and totally disconnected. Kayla just complained too much. So she gets to stay, because she's a lesbian. Bye Kacey!

Next Week: The girls dress each other for the Grammy's and then embody fashion designers for the photo shoot. But what about the drama?!

ANTM 5

More liveblogging. Sorta. I got a little behind this week, so just bear with me. 

Last Week: Reminder that Kacey is not well liked in the house, Matthew Ralston's weird-ass photo shoot and ... a dig at Rhianna? Seriously, what did that mean? "And like another Rhianna, our Rhianna proved to be one-note." HUH?

Anne is getting hated on because she keeps getting called first. But so is Kacey and she tries to ... do something about that ... by calling everyone's attention and running her mouth. Greatest moment of my life? When Chris (you can't see her, but it's her) boos her and yells: "Get off the stage, bitch!" Though, I have to admit, Kacey's plan (write down a question and I'll answer it) isn't too shabby.
In other news, Liz is still super fucking annoying.
Haha, yeah, it sounds like Jane said her dad is a "lawn doctor" (she means lung doctor, and really, is that a thing?), just like Rich over at fourfour said. Lulz. I like Jane enough, she's quiet, takes decent photos and doesn't make my eyes hurt when I look at her. But I knew very little of her before this episode. Turns out, she comes from a well-to-do family and Liz decides to get passive-aggressive about it. Barf.

Lexie reminds us that she is "really strange." Which means she's actually just really annoying.

At the 2nd Street tunnel in Downtown LA the girls are introduced to their next runway challenge by Ms. J. I have no fucking idea what's going on with her eyebrows. There are male models again and Kacey brings up how difficult it is for her to not flirt with that same model as last time. What an asshole. I always managed to not flirt with cute guys when I had a boyfriend. Jesus.
Oh yeah, the runway is actually a conveyor belt. LOL
OK, OK. Fine. The male models are cute...

The challenge is a total disaster, of course. Liz is such a complete fucking spaz! Jane's knees are incredibly red. Oh Kendal ... Lexie seems to be the only one who can handle the runway with out looking like a total nut. Kacey wins the challenge and screams like a mother fucker.

ALT shows up with a model that I have heard of but am not familiar with. She makes them a fruit smoothie because they all eat a bunch of shit - especially Anne. EW. Lexie leaves bobbi pins on the kitchen counter. And Kacey has old ass food on the counter. EW! They argue and scream and it's annoying and Liz agrees so she yells in Kacey's face. Anyone else get the feeling that Kacey is going to get called first this episode?

The girls show up at a Lucha Libre ... thing. Plus, a father-son photography team is going to shoot the girls. They look a lot alike and it's freaking me out. They are also annoying - constantly yelling and making monkey noises.
Liz has some trouble with taking direction and listening to Mr. Jay. Jane looks great but basically can't commit to a pose. Esther went a little nuts - and I like it. Chelsey reminds me of Blonde Ambition-ers Madonna. Kayla talks about being a lesbian - again; I love it too, but let's not make a "thing" out of it. Chris gets physical! Anne isn't doing too well and it freaks her out - this makes me sad. Lexie looks so god damned trashy.

Back at the house the girls enjoy some food and I notice that there is a shelf almost totally filled with Pepridge Farm cookies. Didn't they just have a conversation about this?

Lots of fake laughter in the backstage, pre-panel camera-thingy.

Kendal looks great in person. Her photo is only OK because her face looks good but her body is "meh."
Lexie has a terrible photo. Just ... terrible.
Esther has some fun body language but a bland face.
Chelsey looks like Marilyn Manson in her photo.
Anne admits that she didn't do well but it turns out that she did a great job. And it's true!
Jane has a cute looking picture but it's very unimaginative and a little porn-y.
Chris is FIERCE! Except in the face.
Kayla's outfit is crazy. Her photo is dynamic though.
Liz is also dressed to unimpress. Her photo is nuts.
Kacey looks a little messy. But she's kinda vacant and "safe."

Called first? Anne. Again. She's going to be murdered in her sleep. Tyra goads Chris into getting pissy at Anne, but for the moment she's too excited about being called second.

Thunderdome Battle!
It's Lexie vs. Jane! Both a beautiful (maybe) but Lexie can't take a picture to save her life. Jane is a little lacking in the personality department but it's cool because she's staying. Bye Lexie! Thanks for the good times, you were just a little too boring.

Next Week: Anne doesn't do well at a Cover Girl shoot and the girls have a photo shoot on Rodeo Drive. Then my DVR cuts off the episode.

ANTM 4

It's that time again! I'm blogging this live, so I hope we go to commercial soon because I totally have to pee.

Make overs and Terra's exit are recapped. Sarah and her bleached eyebrows are sent packing, in case you forgot. Which you very well could have since I barely remember her - save for the eyebrows. Commercials - thank god!

Lexie laments being in the bottom two but there is no way because she is such a shit-starter. Everyone else talks about how much they want this and how hard they want to work for it blahblahblah. Kacey has a BRILLIANT idea: they should have a BBQ with the male models from last week. All the girls think Kacey is shady and don't trust her. Duh.

Turns out the whole day was super awkward. Except for Kacey! She was all over her male model friend. Most of the guys start to bail and no one gives a shit. Seriously, that was so uncomfortable to watch ...

The girls go to Knott's Berry Farm and meet Nigel and Ms. J. Yeay! I like Knott's! The girls have to ride The Silver Bullet and the mounted photo will take a picture of them while Nigel and Ms. J call out emotions into an earpiece. Easy, right? Barf.

Liz looses her shit but pulls off a great photo. Kacey and Lexie not so much. Jane looks possessed. Kayla busts it out. Chelsey also looks insane. Ann is supposed to be intense and just looks lovely. Rhianna is such a mess. Chris doesn't like roller coasters and might not even be able to do the photo shoot! Please ... she does it anyway. She's supposed to looks like she "doesn't care" - instead she looks constipated.

Liz wins the challenge and gets a photo shoot with Tyra that will end up on her website. Chris and Kayla get to go with her. The girls are going to reenact the "cover" of Tyra's web-magazine. She looks great with long ass hair. Kayla busts it out and Chris looks pretty nice. Then there's tea. Yeah. They have tea. In her one-on-one Kayla looks so awesomely butch with her hair parted down the middle. And then Tyra ate all the carrot cake.

Lexie bitches about cleaning the house. Kacey is the slob and also the one that no one likes, so Lexie choses the moment to call her out in front of everyone. Lucky for Lexie, it's actually true that no one likes her. Whatever, Kacey is boring.

"True beauty lives just under the surface" - will they be skinned alive?!

It's a highly stylized photo shoot with ... live seafood? The get to shoot with Matthew Ralston - no fucking idea who this troll doll is. Anyway, they get to play under sea goddesses and will be photographed under some glass contraption.

Matthew is super insane and goes through every little thing that he doesn't like about the girls. I like this guy.

Hey! It's Kendal! Haven't heard from her in awhile. Unfortunatly, she forgot she was in the club. Kayla looked like The Little Mermaid! Chelsey freaked me out. Ethser  had a dreamy look - also a Stepford Wives look. Chris looked great. Lecxie pumps herself up but Jesus she looked weird. Kacey looked great and wowed Matthew. Jane looked like a mermaid. Anne was so gorgeous! Rhianna really is a poor man's Anne, though she can look lovely. Liz starts to complain about her make up and it's just so fucking annoying.

Chelsey wants to be number one but I really don't think that's going to happen.

Back Stage, Pre-Panel: Matthew is super grossed out about kissing Tyra. Haha.

First up is Kacey and gets called out on her nasty gold shoes. He photo is OK but I think she looks like she's choking herself. Kayla is gorgeous and I still think she looks like Ariel, so does Tyra. Esther looks great and ALT thinks she looks like Elizabeth Taylor. Anne is fantastic, as usual! Chris looks whack to me but Matthew thinks it's great. Jane is beautiful but harsh. Lexie just looks god damned silly to me - and she is in profile again, barf. Rhianna does look uncomfortable - I don't like it. Kendal looks great - it actually looks like she's moving! Chelsey looks like shiiiiiiit - she looks like an amateur drag queen. Liz looks pissed in her photo - it's pretty bad. AND she complains that she couldn't see ... Jesus.

Called first: Anne! AGAIN! She's going to be murdered in her sleep. Ooo! Kacey gets called second - I'm sure everyone loved that. Wow, Chelsey gets through with that shitty drag photo.

Rhianna gets called out for being a flower child? I think they mean stupid. Liz gets called out for being a whiny bitch. But, she gets to stay. Dur. Awwww ... poor Rhianna is crying! She wasn't versatile enough, so she's got to work on that. Whatever.

Next week is a moving runway and Lexie and Kacey get at each others throats. Yeay!

Hahahahahahahah!

I've finally accepted Anger and it feels good. Pushing away whatever I'm feeling doesn't make it better or make it go away. In fact, it just makes it suck harder. I let that shit get up in my head and it does things - ugly things - to me. Today I started planning out my day - "when i get home i'll do this, and then this next and then i can do this" - which made me totally freak out. I started obsessing over Ex and Some Chick and I wanted to baaaaarf.

It's the planning that does it; there's a difference between doing stuff and keeping busy and planning the shit out of my day. I used to do that all the time and it just set me up for failure. There's a general direction for this coming week (in an effort to stay busy and getting things done) but I have no intention of planning on things and I'm fine with that. But when I started getting down the the minutiae details, I just felt sick to my stomach.
I cannot control and plan what is going to happen in Ex's life (or what he does with Some Chick). And even though I don't want to be Ex's girlfriend or have sex with him - I'm just angry that he's being an asshole. It feels so good to say that! And it feels good to say that I think Some Chick is just a dumb bitch! I'm angry right now and I'm owning it and I'm going with it. It will pass in time.

What's so funny? Well ... I was pissed about all the cute-sy, familiar comments Some Chick has left on Ex's Facebook profile, so I decided to leave a few reminders that I also have familiar comments and stories to share and leave on Ex's profile. I get that in the "digital age" it's easy to expedite a relationship, what with constant emails, instant messaging, cell phones and text messages. You can get to know a person fairly well in a month, when it used to take ... oh, you know, months - years even - "back in the day."
So the familiarity, while annoying, is understandable. I still hate her. She doesn't care about me, so I don't care about her.

It's bitchy and I admit to it. This makes me Rizzo and Iron Maven!

  

Do I realize that both of these ladies were bad girls and each had some kind of downfall (pregnancy scare and  losing a big match)? Yes, but you can't have the day if you don't have the night. And the greatest thing about all that? The sun always rises. Rizzo wasn't pregnant and she got with Kenickie and Iron Maven gave Babe Ruthless her props. A happy ending all around. There's no such thing as a straight road, there will always be some twists and turns. But sometimes the ride is just as great as the destination.

I am thoroughly entertained by this but like I said, it will pass. And if Ex calls me out (though I honestly don't think that would happen) it then I can point out to him that Some Chick's flagrant posting is no better. It hurts my feelings because it's so soon - she may no know this (which might be bullshit since Ex claims to have told her the whole story) but I think it's more likely that she just doesn't give a shit. So why should I give a shit? Ex might side with her because he worships at the Temple of Anger and she's the new kid on the block. It's OK if she's mean, but it's not OK if I'm mean.

That's just stupid. So I'm kind of over that whole thing. I probably won't stop being angry for a little while but it feels good to admit it so freely. That might expedite the healing process. Either way, I feel alright.

ANTM 3

Ann is feeling great after being called first and Lexie is still annoying. Sara busts out some photos of her baby and whines about not being with him.Then she whines about not doing well in the photo challenge. Terra mulls over being in the bottom two.

Tyra shows up looking like a Newsies reject. She then asks about every-bodies farts. There's my girl!

She brings over portfolios - that are empty. But it's a roundabout way to announce MAKEOVERS!!!!!!!
I'm not even going to try to explain what the girls are getting because everything that comes out of her mouth is insane rambling. Wait, wait, WAIT. One of the girls has a little gap in her teeth and Tyra wants to EMPHASIS IT. Bitch.

Everyone starts speculating about the makeovers and Lexie decides to play a prank by making a fake list explaining what the makeovers are actually going to be. Everyone, predictably, starts to freak out. It's the weirdest thing I have ever seen. Everyone takes it so seriously and Lexie (proving to me that she is completely crazy) goes way over the top because she "gave herself" a bad makeover. I'm excited to see what happens when none of those makeovers actually happen. Lexie is going to get her ass kicked.

Terra and Chris call their mom - that lady is amazing: she could tell who was who on the phone!

Anyway - onto makeovers!!
(BTW - Lexie promises that she will never tell anyone about the fake list. We will see about that ...)

Anne looks really great - much softer and more lady-ish. Liz gets a crazy-short cut that she doesn't really like; it looks OK but she might rock it. Chelsey gets her gap whitened and icy blond hair. Sara gets bleached eyebrows and dark hair - it looks weird. Kendal is getting a long weave which looks fantastic on her. Terra (crying again) is getting a really buzzed cut; it's ... weird. Kayla is going red - like actual red and it's insane. Chris gets a long curly weave that is pretty pedestrian. Esther goes jet black that compliments her. Jane looks pedestrian as well. Rhianna gets a long blond-ish weave that looks nice. Kacey gets her hair straightened and contacts. And now it's Lexie's turn! Her hair is darker and longer. The Jays don't think much of her.

YES. Someone is going home tonight.
Liz, Sarah, Lexie, Terra are all singled out for being brats.
And holy shit - Terra gets sent home. Though, I can't say that I blame them: all she did was suck and cry. Nothing else. Chris is pretty bummed but I could care less. Mr. Jay brings up a good point: don't let the makeovers go. These girls tend to let their hair go to shit after a little while. Why would you do that?

Chris is openly sad about her sister getting sent home and everyone is keeping an eye on her to see if she starts to fuck up. Nice.

The photo shoots theme is "Fallen Angels", so they get dolled up with black feathers and get hooked up in a harness so that it looks like they are falling from heaven. They are paired up with boys. Kayla is grossed out by this.

Esther wants to be a fearless angel but is having some trouble with it.
Liz is a "powerful/victory" angel but is lacking grace. She also complains a lot.
Kayla is an evil angel and it's awesome.
Sarah is a seductive angel and she is so flat is weird.
Kacey is a rebellious angel (who happens to find a connection with her male model - much to the dislike of her house mates.)
Rhianna is a "hopeless/sultry" angel. Really, they need to pick this shit for the girls - especially if it's coming from the one that was called "stupid" back in school.
Chelsy is a mysterious angel and rocks it.
Chris is a heartbroken angel and does a great job.
Jane is a scorned angel
Kendal is a "desire angel" - which makes no fucking sense.
Anne is a longing angel and does well even though she's nervous about working with a guy.
Lexie is a preditorial (also, that's not a real word and my spell check refuses to acknowledge it) angel and she let's down Mr. Jay.

In the pre-panel footage everyone orgasms over Tyra's late-70's-ish outfit. Patricia Fields is there.

OH SNAP - Lexie, Rhianna and Anne are called out over the list by Tyra. Hilarious.

Liz has an OK picture. Chelsy also has an OK photo. But Esther's photo is clueless. Jane is also clueless! Come on ladies! Kacey does not deliver a powerful picture. Lexie looks terrible - dude, seriously, this is BAD! Sarah - JESUS! What is going on? Chris has a good photo! But it's still not even that good. Rhianna also has a great photo. Kendal is pretty whatever. Kayla's photo is great - I love it! Anne has the best photo of all!

Patricia Fields puts on sunglasses to look at photos.

Called first? Anne! Again! Yeay!

Now it's down to ...Lexie and Sarah (I thought it would be Esther!)
Sarah goes home, which doesn't surprise me that much. Hell, the girl made a fake makeover list!!
She feels guilty over having left her son for awhile and I just don't care. She's too boring.

That's it kids! Next week there are beauty shots involving seafood ... I don't know.

ANTM 1/2

I didn't get around to recapping the first episode of this cycle (for obvious reasons) but I wanted to put in my two cents: Boring. There was nothing much that stood out from it; a lot of the girls are pretty even-keel and some are even well-spoken and (dare I say!) intelligent. Annamaria is the only front-runner for Bitch, so far. Though Kelsy (?? - it's Lexi) is coming right up behind her with all the shit talking she does.

Anyway, I'm watching the second episode right now and had a powerful lust to recap as I watch.

Basically, the girls are in LA again and are living in an ugly ass house on Venice Beach. Everyone is getting along pretty well; Kayla comes out as a lesbian and Ann is still a goofy-ass weirdo. The first challenge was a Diane Von Furstenberg fashion show; the runway was suspended in mid-air above the audience but the girls were strapped in with a harness. Damnit.

The photo shoot is "all about bullying" which is "very important to Tyra." All the girls get into bikinis and have words that bullies have said to them painted on their bodies. It's very Laugh-In. When Tyra does a one-on-one with Kayla about her bully word ("queer") she starts to cry - and rightfully so. Tyra smiles like an idiot. You know, the more I look at her, the lovelier Kayla gets. I kinda want her to win.

Anyone watch True Blood? Jane looks like Crystal, right? Liz choosing "Biracial Beauty" is nice but it reminds me of Dr. Gonzo's note to Ellen Burstyn in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: "Back door beauty?" Ann looks a bit like Paulina in make up. And Annamaria reminds me of Alicia Silverstone in make up - CHRIST she is thin. And she is clearly mental.

Demi Lavato shows up to talk about being bullied. Jesus, she looks old. Isn't she supposed to be, like, 14 or something? And then she's gone.

OK. So the "pre-panel camera" is just the living end. Just when I thought this show couldn't out-asshole itself.

I'm glad that Andre is still on board and I have to think that it's his doing that got them the Italian Vogue spread.

Lexi's photo looks great. Even if she hates being called "elf ears" she needs to accept that she has some serious Galadriel going on and it's working for me.
Kasey seems to have lost her face in the photo. She sorta looks like Ponyo when she's transforming or whatever.
Jane does nothing for me.
Kayla is next and Tyra takes the opportunity to drag some tears out of Kayla over the "queer" thing. I really like Kayla's crying voice - it reminds me of Peppermint Patty. And you know, her photo is awesome.
Liz has a really great look but I think she might struggle with her harsh angles.
Esther is the one with some big ass titties. That's all you need to know right now.
Kendal's photo is crap. Her eyes are heavily lidded.
Sarah photo is crappy too - not memorable at all.
Terra's photo is really awkward and there doesn't seem to be a real thought process to how she's posing.
Chris has the broke-down doll thing which looks bad.
Chelsea is next with her bully word "Casper" - she's not even that pale. Maybe it's the TV but she seriously doesn't look that pale. What's even worse is that she chose some meaningless word ("fearless") to make herself feel better. The photo is great though.
Rhianna's bully word is "stupid" and that is exactly what her photo is.
Annamaria gets called slim right away by both Nigel and Tyra. Annamaria starts to sass Tyra, claiming that she doesn't see that she's too thin.
Ann looks AMAZING. Done.

I get the feeling that Terra and Annamaria are going to be in the bottom two. And I'm right.

Ann gets called first and I am delighted. Kayla is the runner up which just makes me even happier.

So ... Terra is beautiful but lacks focus. Annamaria is also beautiful but the judges don't like how fucking skinny she is. Which is why she gets to fuck off back home. I guess Lexi is going to be the Bitch!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA - the little bit of next week's episode that I caught has the girls freaking out over make overs because ... a list of the make overs was found in the house! Wait, what?

Why do I do this to myself?

So, I really only follow a few reality tv shows and I only recap one of them (ANTM, duh) but recently I started watching a new show on SyFy called WCG Ultimate Gamer. The reason I began following it is that I know two people on it: Faye Mata and Justin Wong. Both were in the short film I just wrapped on and both are darling people. I felt it was my patriotic duty to watch and show some love. Little did I know just how tailor-made this show is for me!

Almost everyone on it looks pretty old, especially when you consider that they all play video games for a living. And, OK, OK, I know that video games aren't exclusive to kids anymore but really, grow up. Get a hair cut. Get a real job. Except, the winner will get $100,000, so what do I know?! The oldness factor is always a boon to a reality show: people have chips on their shoulders or just live a little too hard. Either way: entertainment.

And as far as I can tell, the challenges are designed to embarrass and humiliate. So I'm all for that. And? DRAMA. Already there is a shit stirrer! It's a girl fight, or should I say Kat fight? Two of the house girls, Kat and Vanessa have a history and Kat is more than happy to capitalize on it. Love! Kat literally looks DIRECTLY at the camera when she calls Vanessa over to start something. LOOVE!!

I'm dubious of how dramatic this is going to get because Kat plays it safe and asks why Vanessa doesn't "say hi" to her at competitions. Um, what? OK, nevermind, it's all good. Vanessa tries to be cool about it and says that they just don't click "personality-wise" and then adds a "homey" to it. Kat tells her not to call her homey and then suggests Vanessa doesn't like her because Kat stole her boyfriend. STOLE HER BOYFRIEND.

Vanessa is such a pussy. This is all high school bullshit here and it's obvious that Kat is the Alpha Female. She kinda reminds me of Juliette Lewis in "Whip It" -

Here is Kat intimidating Vanessa.

Vanessa, barf. In reference to her stolen boyfriend "Well, I didn't like him anyway" Oh shut up and start your period already.

There's also some idiot on the show with hipster hair that everyone thinks is weak-sauce. I just think he's a moron. Which means he'll probably take the whole thing.

Anyway, every week the contestants have to do "Real Life Challenges", which is what I am most excited about. It's pretty awesome: the producers of the show take typical game scenarios and put them in a real life context. The contestants have to perform and win the challenge to stay out of the Elimination Challenge. Trust me, this is easy.

This week's challenge is Tekken 6. That camera whips to Justin because he is THE fighting game champion. And even though he's a Street Fighter man, all the way, Tekken is a fighting game he's good at. Alright. So Tekken has a lot of "high flying" martial arts in it, very Hong Kong cinema, which means the contestants will be hoisted up into the air and set to beat each other up. I hope someone hurls.

Let me just point out that I already knew Faye was adorable but this show drives it home. She hasn't had much screen time but she always seems to be somewhere in the background, visible in the shot. She's an Anime character, for reals. And I really lover her because she's like Cycle 10's Anya but, like, not a total 'tard. Or a 'tard at all!

Edit: turns out they will NOT be beating the shit out of each other. Two Fighters will attempt to pull orbs off each others suits and then drop them to the ground. At ground level is a Catcher, who must (duh) catch the orbs. OMG. This is so Double Dare!!!

Kelly Hu shows up and says that wire work is "deceptively difficult", which, huh?

At this point I don't really care much about anyone besides Faye and Justin, so I'm only going to mention the most dumb assed things that come up. Which, right off the bat is Ryan (with the hipster hair) saying he was "taken by storm" when they started hoisting him up. Dude, it's "taken aback", unless he's trying to do a play on words for WoW or something. Either way: dumb.

I was a little bummed that everyone just kind of flailed around instead of actually kicking and punching each other.

Some guy named Yaz (which is just so wonderful since I enjoy having a regular monthly cycle) is nervous because he's doing this in front of Kelley Hu because she does this for a living. Way to minimalize her acting career.

Faye gets to fight! She gets suited up in a neon green helmet and calls herself a Ninja Turtle. Then, when she's hoisted ut she busts out a total Trinity pose to psyche out her opponent. Jobless Fatty AJ is totally turned on. As am I! The producers turn on the sprinklers and it totally throws Faye off. That makes me sad. On top of that, the other team (the one Justin is on!) wins and Faye's team is in last place. So they will have to fight it out.

On a side note: Vanessa is delighted about her team's win because it means she "beat" Kat. Even though she didn't do a fucking thing. Maybe she caught some orbs. But still: Shut up Vanessa.

Everyone starts playing Tekken 6. AJ and Faye are getting along but, sorry dude, her body language tells me that she ain't into it. Yaz starts talking about getting Kat eliminated and suggests that Justin compete against her in the elimination. Ryan sneaks off to Kat and tattles to her, thinking that he will endear himself to her by letting her in on the shit talking. Kat is excited about the idea that folks think she's hot shit, even though she's pretty freaked out by having to fight Justin.

The whole ranking thing makes my brain hurt so I just ignore it. I have to wonder why the controls are so far away from the TV they have set up. Faye kicks some ass! Vanessa loses!! And Justin murders it.

So, even though there was a loosing team, one person in particular will be up for elimination based on scores. And that person is: Mike. Mike is a baby-faced jock and I could care less about it. The person in first place is Yaz (!) and Justin is rather surprised by that. He understands that by giving advice to the other contestants, he totally gave his shit away. Dur.

I'm still sticky on the whole eliminating system. Yaz was in first place, Mike in last. So Mike is up for elimination while Yaz gets to chose who else gets to be in the bottom. It's a weird system but I guess I do like it since it leaves everything open to massive amounts of drama. Yaz tells the other team that he's not sending any of his teammates home so they better start practicing.

Yaz talks to Vanessa about putting Kat in the elimination and she's all about that.

Later Kat comes into the room and it's totally framed like a shark gliding into seal-infested waters. She pulls Yaz aside and tries to convince him not to put her into elimination. He says that he wouldn't do it "just because of Vanessa" which totally throws off his game. Who will he pick? Eh, he still picks Kat.

Then the female host asks if there is any other reason for picking Kat and Yaz says no. Then she asks Kat if she thinks there's another reason and she fingers Vanessa. Not like that, though you know she'd love it. Vanessa, all high on her security and friendship with Yaz, tosses off that this is just about the competition and that "we" felt this was the best choice. I like that Vanessa is so dumb and hopped up on her place right now that she let the "we" drop, even after Yaz expicitly stated that this was HIS decision. If Kat stays, shit if going to fly.

Oh, poor dumb Mike. Yaz quietly asks him not fuck up and Mike thinks it's some unspoken thing. "If I help you out, you'll help me out." You get that shit on paper or it didn't happen. Yaz totally needs Kat to go home now since he straight up lied to her face.

Almost everyone in the house helps out Mike but Kat is a pro, so it's anyone's game. Faye tells Kat she hopes she comes back, which makes me happy. If Faye thinks she's worth it than I made the right choice. Anyway, Kat needs to come back because she is infinitely more interesting than Mike and Vanessa needs to keep her trap shut. Her rant about Kat "attacking" her was so wack.

The elimination stage looks like dick and balls.

Mike takes round one. Kat takes round two. Mike takes round three. Kat takes round four. Mike takes round five. Kat takes round six. Kat takes round seven. Mike takes round eight. Tie Breaker: KAT. MUTHAFUCKAS.

I have to pause for a minute because the fucking garbage truck is making a ton of noise. Of course, right as I pause it goes quiet.

Next Week: Wii and the competition gets "wet and wild."

ANTM 15

It's that time of year again! And even though I haven't finished my one-shot recap of last season I want to share a few thoughts on the newest crop of girls. CWTV hasn't released any photos of the contestants or even a group shot; instead, we have video clips of all 15. Normally I ignore these clips and just base my critiques off the pictures, but this time around that's not possible. What I learned was that everyone ranges from ugly as shit to fairly normal looking. And they all seem really reserved (read: booooring).

Anamaria - she had a gut feeling to try out for show. I have a gut feeling that her gap tooth will be an interesting subject, if she sticks around. And even though she's from Queens, Anamaria has a little Wisconson in her voice. Also: "hiddeness of me"?

Ann - never thought about being on the show but her friends insisted that she try out - you're friends think you're a bitch. Whoa, check those ears out. She's also too tall (6'2"). You can't really see it when she's sitting in front of the camera but her fashion leans a little to the Gothic-Lolita style. Plus, it turns out that Ann is suuuuuuuper skinny, which is causing a lot of controversy. From what I have seen of her, she seems pretty healthy and alert.

Chelsey - likes Beauty Shots and runway. She also thinks she's edgy and differnt looking and maybe a ditzy blonde. Whatever.

Chris - is supposed to win this competition, loves herself (but maybe in a joking way), has a sister in the competition. Chris is one of the lucky few that actually looks like a normal person.

Esther - AHHHHHHHHH! Maybe she's a muppet? But seriously, you guys, she is hideous. More friends egging her into trying out for the show; I'd love to meet her friends and Anamaria's friends, just to ask them if they really do think the girls are dumb ass bitches. She has lived in different countries, speaks French at home, and said "arwords"(?) when she meant awards. Turns out that she is the plus sized model with a 30G bra size. Yummy!

Jane - talks about her unique look, is the theme this cycle "ugly"? She has a super short clip, possibly because the Vicoden kicked in and she fell asleep on camera.

Kacey - a repeat auditioner who made it Cycle 11, but did not go far. She likes Jasline and Dani and YaYa ... 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Claims she's down-to-earth but people think she looks like a bitch. Hmmmm ...

Kayla - looks like Rachel Dratch, plays soccer and has a bad neck.

Kendal - thinks she was born to model and doesn't want to do anything else (do you think it's because these girls don't know how to do anything else?), doubts herself a lot.

Lexie - she looks like a shark. It's obvious that she wants to be on the show to get a free hair-cut and a free plane ride. Turns out she can join MENSA and was a professional artist and a nationally ranked high jumper.

Liz - looks familiar? Wants to be somebody big, doesn't think that modeling is hard work, thinks she's a comedian, is a single mother, works two jobs, video totally cut out ... bummer

Rhianna - looks like Drew Barrymore, dresses like Annie Hall, seems very timid, finds it upsetting when she sees her clothes on other people, tall (6'1 1/2"). I get an Allison vibe from her but maybe not as charming.

Sara - tried out for Cycle 11 but didn't make it, understood that she was boring the first time time around so made sure to be an idiot this time around, "I think yurze would be surprised ..."?, has a baby

Terra - has tried out 4 times, is Chris' sister, reminds me of a girl I used to work with, talks a little fast, claims that she is very truthful, "actually" a tomboy.

Nothing revelatory just yet but we still have a few weeks to go. I'm hoping that we get some photos soon; it will be interesting to judge the girls on their looks after having seen their "personalities."

Bonus!

This cycle will take place in LA again! The over seas location has not been announced yet. And the winner will be on Italian Vogue. Wow!!

WTF is this shit?

ANTM (America's Next Top Model, for all you losers that don't know) is coming back March 10, with an extended premiere. And while the official CW website has nary a photo of the new crop, the Internets are abuzz with gossip. Kinda. I think everyone is just complaining about the photos that have been released and how awful they look. I'm all for crazy-kooky 80's kitch...but this?

Let's meet these bitches:

Name: Gabrielle

She's 18 years old and looks like a dead hooker in this picture/makeup/hair. Does it have to be so obvious how much Tyra hates these girls?

Name: Krista

First things first: why is there always some low-rent knock off version of Iman or Grace Jones on this show? Obviously Tyra isn't about to have a Naomi look-a-like (don't go there) but why the same old, same old? Now: this bitch is 26. TWENTY SIX!!

Name: Brenda

I am a sucker for redheads, so even though I think this thing is just a boring Majorie wannabe, I'm going to root for her. Plus, I can't tell if she's a bitch or just an idiot.

Name: Simone

Now there is a bitch. She could be attractive but that dumbass hair is just too much. Let's hope this is before make overs - er, Ty-overs. (She's 19, whatever.)

Name: Raina

Look. Sometimes I can't come up with snarky comments. I just can't. This is one of those times. Because this chick is nasty and I don't want to share a can of soda with her - even if I do get Mono and loose 20lbs. - it just wouldn't be worth it. Find some fucking Purell.

Name: Alexandra

I like her because she is clearly a throwback to the early 80's. She has her own soft focus, just like how some girls make their own wind. Now, I'm sure she's a moron and, heck, maybe she's a bitch too but I'm going to root for her.

Name: Anslee

Anslee? ANSLEE?! Maybe that's why she's making that face...

Name: Angelea

Imma call this one: Stripper. But I also have to caution that I am so fucking jealous of her hair.

Name: Naduah

I would like to begin by formally apologizing to Raina - even though I still think she's super funky in a bad way - because Naduah (really? Go fuck yourself with that) is FUGLY. God. Damn.

Name: Ren

She just looks like a bitch, huh? But I love her. Mostly because I am going to assume that she was named after my favorite Chiuhuaha.

Name: Alasia

Sigh...Another low-rent Ghetto Bitch. She'll be gone by episode 5. Better hair than Gabrielle though.

Name: Jessica

Oh, for fuck's sake...

Name: Tatianna

Now, I can't tell if she's making that face on purpose (like she thinks it sexy) or if it's all just a big jumbled together mess that will be eliminated first.

There you go kids - the newest crop of girls! They will be heading to Auckland for the finale because ANTM has gone to every corner of the earth. Oh, no they haven't. Whatever.