Lucky 13

The next cycle of ANTM is debuting on Setpember 9. My life will be officially over for the next thirteen to fourteen weeks after that date.

I heard a "Rumor"...

On Saturday I watched "Rumor Has It" on Oxygen. The back story here is, someone thought: "let's see what happened to the people in 'The Graduate' about 30 years later." The problem with that is no one cares. Or no one should care. Charles Webb's original story was turned into the acclaimed film of the same name and it turned Dustin Hoffman into a star. So, that's all good. But because someone couldn't think of a good idea on their own and decided to just leech from someone else's artistic baby, this trite "comedy" was thrust upon the public.

Don't get me wrong - it's a cute movie. And Jennifer Aniston does a pretty good job with what she's been given. The problem that I had with it was that it just was not well written. The dialogue was pretty stiff and the story was silly. One of the major plot elements was that crazy WASPy shit happens all the time in Pasadena, CA. Didn't you know?!? I didn't know.

I think the reason for all the crazy WASPy shit has more to do with the bored rich white people than the location of where they live. And Pasadena was not a major focal point of "The Graduate", so it seems strange to lay so much pressure on one little city.

The plot is as follows: Sarah Huttinger comes home (to Pasadena!) for her younger sister's wedding. She brings with her her fiance, Jeff Daly (played by a long-suffering Mark Ruffalo - someone get this guy out of RomComs!) and this is his first time meeting the family. Sarah is nervous about getting married; she is in her early thirties and writes wedding announcement and obituaries for a living-an early on-set mid-life crisis fits nicely. Exacerbating this is her younger sister's over-flowing excitement at her upcoming nuptials.

At the pre-wedding dinner Sarah is reunited with her grandmother, Katherine Richelieu. Played by Shirley McClaine, Katherine comes off a bit more acidic than you might like. Her character was the basis for the now infamous "Mrs. Robinson" and it seems that the resulting years have taken their toll on her. Sarah learns from Katherine that her mother (Jocelyn) ran away a few days before her wedding. She made her way down to Cabo San Lucas and spent three days with a Beau Burroughs. Turns out Jocelyn and Beau had gone to school together and dated casually but that all ended when Beau and Katherine had an affair.

Sound familiar? It didn't to Sarah. Took her until the next day to figure out that the story Charles Webb put to paper in 1963 was (supposedly) based on her own family. Her only concern, and rightly so, was whether or not this mysterious Beau Burroughs is her biological father. Sarah's epiphany comes after meeting with one of her mother's old school mates (an oddly cast and uncredited Kathy Bates), who also mentions Beau's connection to Charles Webb; they went to college together.

After the wedding Sarah flies up to San Francisco to meet Beau and ask him about his relationship with her mother. Turns out that Beau has made quite a living for himself as a Silicon Valley Internet Wizard and, as portrayed by Kevin Costner, lives his life as a slightly weary man. Costner's casting in this situation was odd for me. His rakish charm didn't really come through and the weariness that seemly replaced it hardly beckoned me to his bed. But Sarah found him interesting enough to get drunk with and tumble into bed with.

Beau admits to the affairs (though no juicy details on Katherine's now infamous seduction) and explains that Jocelyn just showed up at his door-step and they spent their time together very much in love. But Jocelyn returned to her husband-to-be, leaving Beau by himself. This is where Beau has been ever since then it seems - all by himself. He explains that even though they slept together, Sarah couldn't possibly be his daughter as he had suffered from Blunt Testicular Trauma when he was a boy. This has left him incapable of concieving. This has also left me incapable of taking this movie seriously.

One of the things that I enjoyed from Ted Griffin's script and Rob Reiner's direction is that none of the performances were copied from the original film. While I may not have enjoyed Shirley McClaine's acid-tongue and broad-comedy antics or Kevin Costner's "world-weary" down-trodden slump, I was happy to see that no aping was going on. Besides, doesn't it make sense for the characters to have grown after all this time?

The story gets really really sloppy after this. Sarah, though guilt-stricken at her betrayal, decides to stay and join Beau at a charity ball. There she meets Beau's son Blake. GASP! Not really. Turns out he and his ex-wife had used artificial inseminated to become pregnant. Sarah kisses him and is caught by Jeff. Poor, poor Jeff. The poor bastard was back home in New York calling Sarah on the cell phone he accidentally left with her with no response, calling Beau's office with little result until finally explaining his predicament. That's when he miraculously shows up at the ball, is let in by security and finds his betrothed in a lip-lock with some dude in a tux. He's understandably mad and leaves Sarah.

Sarah goes back to Pasadena to talk to her grandmother. The exterior of Katherine's house is the same from "The Graduate" - a nice touch. Katherine is angered to hear what happened, but I was never quite sure if she was mad at Beau for possibly seducing Sarah or for Sarah's stupid behavior. After a scene so shrill and mind-numbing that I'd just rather not talk about it, Sarah and Katherine rush over to her father's house to attend to little sister Annie. Turns out that Annie and her new husband had to come back from their honeymoon because Annie had a full-scale panic attack.

The girls talk frankly, or that's what we are lead to believe since the scene cuts away to outside the house where Beau has inexplicably shown up. Did he know where Jocelyn had lived all this time? Did he go to Katherine's first and then was told where to go? I don't know. What I do know is that the screaming not-match Beau and Katherine compete in is the most interesting part of the film. Katherine tries to shame Beau for taking advantage of Sarah when she was in a weak position, but Beau fires back that he never took advantage of anyone in the Richelieu family. Turns out, Mrs. Richelieu WAS the one who seduced Beau. And Jocelyn came to Beau, both times. Now, it was Sarah's turn to look for comfort in Beau's arms.

It's an interesting look at an incomplete character. Consider that at the end of "The Graduate" Ben gets the girl but doesn't know what to do with her. As they leave the wedding in the public bus, both Ben and Elaine stare off into the unknown, not smiling. All Ben has is the fact that he was seduced by a bored housewife during a difficult time in his life; after that affair ended he fell quickly in love with a girl that was unattainable though searching for a way out of her guilded cage. He is a boy that became a man through the machinations of women looking to find themselves. No wonder he looks like shit now.

Sarah has explained the whole "The Graduate" situation to Annie, which somehow reinforces Annie's love for her husband and Sarah's love for Jeff. I give up. Anyway, they see grandma and Beau battling it out on the front yard and Sarah goes to talk to Beau. She tells him a bunch of stuff that I can't remember. I do recall there being a moment where Beau seriously tries to talk her into staying with him; it made me very sad to see an interesting man such as Beau left floundering. But Sarah basically tells him that there could never be anything more between them and firmly decided to go back to Jeff.

Sarah's father, Earl, comes out of the house and talks briefly with Beau. Earl seemingly has no idea that he's making friendly chit-chat with his dead wife's lover; we also learn that it was Earl who caused the testicular trauma during a soccer game the two played in their youth. How darling. I'd like to say right here and now that Richard Jenkins (who plays Earl) is a delightful and vastly under used actor.

Later that evening Sarah and her father have a heart-to-heart. He admits that he always knew about the affair. Turns out that Jocelyn may have liked the adventure of Beau but she loved Earl and the life that they could build together. They made love the night that she came back from Mexico, which explained why Sarah's birthday was so dangerously close to the wedding day. It also explained a few things for Sarah; she had always labored under the guilt of having been a burden on her mother and felt estranged from her family because she wasn't "blond enough" or "didn't play tennis well enough." This is poor writing no matter how you look at it. But I guess it doesn't matter since it can all be forgotten now that she knows the truth.

Sarah goes back to New York and talks to Jeff. I'll be honest: by this point I was totally over the film and spent the last 10 minutes of the movie talking with my boyfriend about my day. I'll tell you that they reconciled and got married. According to Wikipedia, Jeff agrees to come back to Sarah on the condition that if they have a daughter she never goes near Beau. HAHHAHAHAeehhhhh....

The movie ends with their wedding. Beau is there, sitting by himself. Now I wish I had paid attention because I feel that the story was just cheap and silly enough to possibly have Katherine pounce on the poor slob again.

This was my first foray into film review, so I'd like it if you let me know how I did. Obviously this isn't the most current film ever but it was one that grabbed my interest. I intend to review more films and eventually books. Any feedback is welcomed!

ANTM #12 - I Fucking Hate This Show

OK, so the finale aired a looooong time ago and I've been promising this forever but now it doesn't even seem relevant. But I figured that I would throw it out there because as much as I hate this show, I love it with all my heart.

Some interesting developments have popped up since the crown was placed on Teyona's poorly done weave. Paulina was fired from the show; supposedly her ego was too big. That does make sense since there's really only room for Tyra's ego. Over at FourFour.com Rich interviewed my love Celia and discovered that there was a whole lot of bullshit going on behind the scenes. He also had his cat Winston interview my love #2 Allison - check it out because it's sooooo cute!

We all know that next cycle is for the shorties, which I'm hoping will make it a lot more interesting.

Oh yeah: Thalia is pregnant. FUCKING HELL.

In a recap of the final three contestants, here is what Tyra says about them:

• Aminat:"outspoken" (aka Bitch)
• Allison: the judges love her photos week-to-week...but what dimension does she have?
• Teyona: "beautiful and gifted." Consistently delivered the best photos, Paulina? Really?

How bummed does Allison look now that Celia is gone? I feel really bad for her since all she's stuck with are the human personifications of the Siamese cats from "Lady and the Tramp." Actually it would be pretty awesome to watch them try to kill a baby.

At least Aminat is still retarded. She thinks that she is the "underdog."

CoverGirl Commercial/Photo Shoot

YEAY! McKey is here! Who gives a shit!

• Aminat - Take 1: vacant face. Take 2: vacant face but Mr. J gives up and says "good job."
• Allison - looks beautiful! Take 1: does OK but forgets some of the script. Take 2: much better.
• Teyona - looks like a drag queen but not in a good way. Take 1: too rushed. Take 2: sings some retarded song, fucks up completely and starts crying on camera - America, meet your next Top Model! Take 3: OK, considering she just had a mental breakdown.

Aminat is still under the illusion that not only did she do well, she will also win.

Teyona cries again because she couldn't perform or speak during the commercial. Maybe if she tried yelling or talking shit to the CoverGirl representative it would have helped her a little more. Just putting it out there.

Panel #1

As usual they played the whole commercial; this edit showed mostly Allison.

Then Tyra called them up one-by-one for an evaluation.

• Teyona: you could tell she was freaked out. And she cries again....Her photo was OK but the judges seemed to be more concerned with making her feel better than giving her any form of criticism, constructive or not.
• Allison: she was clearly better than Teyona but the judges could only muster an "eh." Her photo was beautiful but odd, much like Allison. Tyra liked it though.
• Aminat: meh..."easy, brevvy, beauful" but the judges ate it up. Her photo was the best one for me and they hated it. I GIVE UP!

What I found to be absolutely fascinating was that the judges seemed to only have negative things to say about all the girls. Teyona is a one-dimensional model. Allison is odd looking and may be too short (even though this is the first time her height has been mentioned). Aminat can't use her face properly.

Why did you even keep them around then?

Final 2: Allison and Teyona

Fuck along now Aminat; maybe Teyona will hire you to hold her water when she's "famous." It's fun because she cries but it stops being fun because she talks about continuing to pursue a career in modeling.

Seventeen Shoot

The girls are sent to the Seventeen Magazine photo shoot. Whoever wins will have their picture on the cover of the next issue. How fabulous, it's like being on the cover of Vogue except totally not anything as prestigious as that.

Allison looked super relaxed and like she was having fun.

Teyona, however, did not. She was so tense you could grow a diamond in her ass.

Fashion Show

First of all, what the fuck is a Brazilian Stomp?

Also, McKey is sooooo boring. I think she's on Quaaludes or something because life seems to move in slow fucking motion when she is around...

Teyona starts out great, very strong.

Allison surprises everyone with a cute little walk and a fierce face.

Eventually Teyona just starts to look mad all the time.

Allison continues on to Cutesville!

Now, if you watched you probably had the same question as I did: what was the last "scene" all about? Were the models wrestling in mud? Chocolate syrup? Shit? And why were they doing that? As a designer I'd rather not have my clothing saturated with what could be some form of feces.

Allison made the most out of her situation. She really seemed to be trying to take this as seriously as possible and ended up looking like a "live art installation." Which is still laughable since that's barely a step up from mime.

Teyona, however, seemed to just give up on the whole concept of behaving "like a model" and started humping the floor and grinding against the male models. Honey, they are scared of your vagina enough already - don't make it worse for them. Her weave fell out of course and she started swinging it around because she was having another mental breakdown. That's the only reason for what was happening. Really.

Panel #2

Allison

Lighting Shoot: good job

Color Shoot: weird photo

Ciara Shoot: sexy and passionate

Carmen Miranda Shoot: cute pin-up

Bird Shoot: Tyra liked more

Good walk during the show

Much better and more playful than Teyona

All the judges agree that Allison will get more work

And she has improved the most since the beginning of the show

Teyona

Lighting Shoot: Eh...

Color Shoot: looked beautiful

Ciara Shoot: hot and powerful

Carmen Miranda Shoot: very editorial

Bird Shoot: beautiful but not the best

Did well during show but became robotic

All the judges agree that she does not have a good personality

They also question if Teyona wants it more

Teyona has been consistent

Tyra seems to think that every one's critique is "neck and neck."

America's Next Top Model: Teyona, whatever...

They keep talking about passion and drive - I didn't see any...

So there you have it! I get to go back to my life now and forget this ever happened until next cycle starts and the madness begins again. I hope next time around is a little less frustrating because this was too much for me to take...

ANTM #11 - Dance Like There's Ass In Your Pants

I apologize for how late this is but last weekend was super hectic. Hopefully I have a few moments in the next few days to tell you what's going on, but now: on to the show!

First of all I need to address the fact that Teyona looks awkward and ridiculous in a dress. That must be why she never wears them. But then, she looks silly in jeans and t-shirts (Mall Uniform), so maybe the girl is just screwed.

I'm kinda bummed that Celia was sort of passive-aggressive about Teyona being the clear front-runner. My hope was that last week's ass-kicking would full some "bitch fire" and lead to a little smack-talking. But Celia is more mature and better suited to quiet hatred.

Now, the fact that Aminat thinks Celia is a "bit much" is laughable since Aminat is "too fucking much." I want to punch her in the face.

It's a little lame that the four girls have split off into racially divided pairs. I'm not under the delusional impression that ANTM should aspire to be a color blind podium but it gets old when the mousy white girls crawl together and the, stereotypically, bitchy/trashy/ghetto black girls lord over the roost. Why is it that this seems to happen every cycle?

And I kind of hate looking at Aminat's face.

Time to learn the Samba!!!

We are given a sparse tutorial on a lovely Brazilian dance in favor of an explanation as to why the girls are doing this. You mean there's a reason other than embarrassing them? According to Paulina (who I am disliking more and more as the cycle draws to a close), dancing and modeling are similar because you must learn how to move your body and make it look easy. Basically: Fake it till you make it. Some of these ladies ("ladies") shouldn't have a problem w/ that.

Paulina reminds them to keep their faces looking good and to not look down while they are dancing, which is good advice. The only time she will have offered something like that all cycle.

• Celia does OK but kinda looks "hard", as if she were concentrating too hard. Paulina says she looks desperate which is fucking harsh and a super bitchy thing to say.
• Aminat is whatever for me, as usual. Paulina, however, wants to lick her vagina.
• Allison knew she was screwed going into this and must have decided to just fuck it and go with whatever popped into her head. Lucky us!!!
• Teyona did shit and simply refused to look up. I fucking hate her.

Challenge: Samba

The girls changed into some lovely dresses and meet Paulina on a roof top. What's with all the roof tops this cycle?

Paulina will be judging the girls' performance and has declared that anytime someone looks down she is going to subtract "a million points." What is she, five years old? A MILLION-BILLION-GAZILLION POINTS! What's even worse is that she singles out Allison after saying this even though it was Teyona who refused to peel her eyes from the floor. Oh well, I guess the show is color blind when it comes to stupidity.

• Allison was a total goof-ball but we already knew that. She did not perform well, but we already knew that.
• Celia is much better this time around. She seems lighter and less tense.
• Aminat did whatever, again. Some how her bare minimum seems to register as top quality performance with the modeling set, while us "proles" see utter shit. This must be like when a dog can hear some freaky high-pitched noise that the rest of us can't and then totally flips it's shit while we just look at it and wonder: what the hell?
• Teyona is fucking retarded and kept looking down. She will probably win this challenge.

Winner: Celia!!!!!! It's about fucking time people!The most satisfying part of this is that I started to write Aminat and was genuinely surprised when Paulina called Celia.

Then it all got flushed down the toilet when Celia, obviously, picked Allison to share her prize and Paulina openly disapproved. For some reason Paulina wanted Celia to pick Aminat because she was her (Paulina's) second choice. Well, bitch, if you wanted Aminat to win so badly why did you pick her? Fuck that. Aminat would have chosen Teyona, so it doesn't matter.

The girls astutely guess that the photo shoot will have something to do with birds and Aminat says "push me out!" in reference to momma birds nudging baby birds from the nest. If only Aminat, if only...

On a side note: I do appreciate that no one has started the arguing again. I was kinda sick of it anyway.

Photo Shoot: Bird Brained

• Allison (according to Tyra, is supposed to channel an owl/pterodactyl protecting it's baby birds. Tyra does crack. Also, she doesn't tell any of the other girls stupid shit like that after realizing that it is stupid shit) - thankfully, even though Allison looked utterly insane she cranked out some amazing shots.
• Aminat - looked good and had some great poses but could not change her fucking face. And it was a cop-out that her poses were decent, since the constraints of where the shoot was being done MADE her try something new.
• Celia - had a lot of good poses and seemed much more relaxed. Now I am totally tense: is she going home because she has a great day? Is this a "here's your bone" moment?!?!
• Teyona - was boring all over the place, even though Tyra couldn't get enough of her (but, as we established above she does crack). But with all the feathers and the tree trunk/pole the bitch just ended up looking like a damned stripper.

Panel

• Allison - LOVED IT! Her photo was lovely; she managed to keep her face from looking retarded and even achieved some level of sensuality. The judges liked it too.
• Teyona - it was just OK for me. Her body looked odd but her face was pretty nice. Here's the kicker: Tyra didn't like it all that much!!!
• Celia - LOVED IT PART DUEX! She looked fierce and confidant. Also: Tyra loved shooting her - so fuck you Teyona/Aminat.
• Aminat - not bad really. Her body language was nice but her face fucking fell flat - again.

Positive

Allison

Aminat (has drive but doesn't give good face)

Negative

Teyona (too complacent)

Celia (doesn't use her face - BULLSHIT excuse to throw her off the bus)

Thunderdome Battle! Deathmatch!

Celia vs. Aminat

Ceila - has strength in body but not the face. She may be mature but she's also strong and edgy, so why is she in the Bottom Two for what sounds like Aminat's problem?

Aminat - also has strength in her body but not her face - mostly because it doesn't catch the light right. Well, that doesn't sound like something you can just smile w/ your eyes at...

Going Home: Celia. Go fuck yourself ANTM.

Tyra goes on about how she really enjoyed working with Celia but thinks that her position in the world of fashion will be as a stylist or designer. This may be an American Idol situation in which the promising contestant is voted off early because they are not the fan favorite but then go on to a great career. Either way, Celia said she had a lot of fun and was excited to have been a part of the show and will for sure pursue a career in fashion.

NEXT WEEK - The Final 3!!!

ANTM #10 - Brazilian Wax

After the girls come home from last weeks panel we get to heat Teyona's opinion about Natalie leaving, even though no one asked her for it. She couldn't care less that Nat is gone, since all she did was complain. Well, I won't care much either when you're gone b/c all you do is Stank. But Celia pointed out that no one appreciated Natalie's talent. It's true - no one did, mostly b/c she didn't have any.

Fo is proud of herself for making it this far in the competition b/c everything she does is so half-assed. I think we have a winner for Best Foreshadowing of the Season (oops! Cycle).

Challenge: Go Sees!

Ah, "Go Sees"...a beloved tradition in the ANTM universe. There's always one that you figure will fail miserably and this time around it's Allison. Why? BECAUSE SHE SAID SHE'S NERVOUS. Who knew?

Requirements: the 5 designers the girls are supposed to see are looking for...

Style

Personality

Soul - which is funny b/c Teyona and Aminat have no souls

And the girls all have to be back by 3:30pm. Of course, there's TONS of traffic and the girls start freaking out. 

Celia is trying out Logic for this challenge: start at the last designer and work your way back. Not a bad idea! Teyona might have the same idea b/c she arrives right after Celia; frustrated, she moves on to the next designer instead of wasting time by waiting. Meanwhile, Celia does very well but the designer is "bothered" by her age. Well, bitch, I'm bothered by your face!

Allison does poorly b/c...SHE'S NERVOUS.

Celia, using more Logic decides to walk to most of the designers to save time - this also seems like a good idea.

Fo is doing well but moves a little too slowly for the designers she sees.

Teyona is still running around like a chicken w/ it's fucking head cut off and keeps showing up right after a girl has arrived. She continues the mad, mad cycle for eternity...NO, WAIT! She finally makes it to a designer that is free and does well.

Aminat impresses the designers w/ her walk (basically the only thing she's got going for her). But everyone agrees that they would rather book her for runway instead of print.

In a one-on-one Aminat mention that she wants Celia to go home b/c she "looks old." Interestingly, I want Aminat to go home b/c she fucking sucks and can't model worth shit.

Teyona gives up on trying to finish the challenge and is rewarded for her stupidity and laziness by arriving 20 minutes early to the final destination.

Aminat is second w/ 10 minutes to spare.

Allison brings up the rear w/ only 3 minutes left!

Poor Celia...1 GOD DAMNED MINUTE LATE.

Fo, on the other hand is incredibly late and Teyona shoves it in her face so hard the girl's nose breaks - what a cunt! Eh, I don't really care for Fo either...

The girls that arrived on time are given a helicopter ride to another location to find out who wins the challenge. Celia and Fo are nearly blown off the roof while watching the others lift off. As added salt in their wounds, they are made to take a taxi back to the penthouse. That sucks. You know what would have been worse though? If they had been made to walk through the crime ridden streets of Sao Paulo to some shitty cardboard shack and made to live there for the rest of their lives. Something like that.

Once the three arrive at the location they are told how well they did:

Allison saw four designers but came across as too insecure and was told to work on her walk.

Aminat, obviously, had a great walk and was well liked by the designers.

Teyona was told that the designers really liked her and thought she had a beautiful face (you should see her personality!)

Winner: Teyona (this annoyed me on a basic level); she gets a bunch of clothes, which is great for her since the girl couldn't put on a good outfit if there was a fucking gun pressed to her temple.

Fo begins to cry during her one-on-one, making her even less attractive than she was before (to me, at least).

Photo Shoot: Brazilian Beach Bingo!

Nigel will be shooting the girls today! This time around it's another group shot, but instead of fighting for the spotlight the ladies ("ladies") will be in a beach scene w/ regular looking people. I thought they were going to have some gorgeous Brazilian models running around in Speedos and bikinis, making it harder for us to pay attention to our beloved simpletons. But, as it turns out, it's actually just regular ass people. Totally easy to spot any of the girls.

• Aminat - THE SAME FUCKING POSE AS EVERY WEEK. Christ! And it was all so awkward and strange that I was uncomfortable sitting on the couch. Neither Nigel or Mr. J were impressed.
• Fo - was totally nervous and all up in her head. Nobody was impressed.
• Allison - was the tasty surprise of the episode! She did a great job and totally committed to every shot. Nigel and Mr. J loved her to death!
• Teyona - started out in her head and took a moment to get in the rhythm, but once there she did well. Both of the guys ("guys") like her.
• Celia - I'm sorry to say suck balls. She lost it somewhere and had real trouble connecting to her surroundings. It got so bad that Nigel had to step in and show her just what he wanted. Nobody was pleased w/ this.

Later on, back at the penthouse, Aminat and Teyona act like assholes and eavesdrop on the other three talking. All are in agreement that Aminat will be going on, though Aminat doesn't seem to agree w/ them.

Panel

Holy shit! Did you see Tyra's hair?!?

• Teyona: good photo/uses her body well/I thought it was OK.
• Celia: OK photo/ "not the easiest girl to shoot that day"/admits that she practiced "for hours", which it turns out ruined her.
• Aminat: OK photo/clearly not using her body/to me it looked like she was kinda hiding it.
• Fo: TERRIBLE photo/hunched over and crappy, she looked like Gollum
• Allison: an odd photo (that Tyra chose, I might add - bitch) but AMAZING face!

Turns out that Allison only booked 1 out of 4 Go Sees, which is pretty bad. Even worse? Fo booking NONE of the 5 she made it to!

However, I was disappointed that we didn't find out how many Aminat, Teyona or Ceclia booked. In a perfect world Celia would have booked all of the designers and the other two would have only booked one or two. But that's probably not what happened. In fact, I think it's more likely that Celia and Flotsam and Jetsam booked about the same amount.

Negative

Aminat - didn't come across as natural and has no "good" tension when she poses

Celia - just rehearsed to damn much

Fo - was nothing close to natural and was basically a disaster

Positive

Teyona - looked good in the photo and the dress she won and wore to panel

Allison - did a great job, but I guess not good enough for more encouragement than that

Thunderdome Battle! Deathmatch!

Celia vs. Fo

Basically it comes down to this:

Celia has consistently delivered good, sometimes great photos, but just psyched herself out that day. She was disqualified on a challenge that she might have won and tried a little too hard to over compensate.

Fo, on the other hand, has been spotty throughout the competition and crawls so far up into her head she gets lost. Plus, she fucking short for a model (5'8"). Even though Celia is ANCIENT (25), she's still more focused and talented.

Going Home: Fo. Of course she cries and cries and cries. But she also promises to keep modeling and to get her high school diploma, which I think is wonderful.

What else do I think is wonderful? That Tyra told Celia "don't give them the 'she's 25' excuse." This makes me think that Tyra is pulling for Celia and has some investment in her winning the competition. It makes sense though; the biggest part of this show this that a charity case wins. Sometimes that girl is fat, Hispanic or just boring. Maybe this time she will be old as fuck.

Next Week: Samba lessons! Tyra photo shoot!

Brazil Nuts!!!

So, they are still refusing to say that London was too fat to stay. Instead it's all being contributed to "her beauty wasn't translating to film", as opposed to Aminat...

At first I was extra annoyed w/ Teyona b/c she was claiming that people were starting to hate on her...paranoid! Oh, wait, Fo is - b/c she's retarded. So, I guess I'm just the usual amount of annoyed w/ Teyona now.

Welcome to Sao Paulo, Brazil! Shitty city, massive crime rate, loads of smog and human waste. Also, Fashion Capital of South America! And the location of a treasure hunt for the girls. They are charged w/ finding the favorite flower of the real "Girl from Iponiema." Everyone splits up into teams (Celia and Allison, Teyona and Amiant, Natalie and Fo) and races to the location! Turns out the flower in question is a Bird of Paradise, which is kinda cool. Once they have hold of the flower, they have to go to a location and find the actual girl the song was based on. I figured that just meant they would get to see a statue or something - but no! There she was! Dancing rythmlessly and speaking terrible English.

Let me just mention two things: EVERYONE seems to think that Teyona is competition, but I don't understand why. And Natalie is on my last fucking nerve; she spent the ENTIRE episode bitching and complaining about every god damned thing.

Fo and Natalie are the first to arrive, followed by Teyona and Aminat, and lastly Celia and Allison. The winning girls are handed the keys to their new Penthouse and everyone goes to check it out. It's pretty cool; I guess I'm conditioned to expect a house covered in odd looking decor and pictures of Tyra...

Later on the girls are introduced to Capoiera by a guy that says his name and it comes out sounding like "Eddie Murphy." According to Eddie, Capoiera can help the models create drama, which none of them need help w/ in real life. Girls are paired off to "spar." Natalie sucked ass, naturally. Celia was doing a great job w/ Aminat, and then endeared herself to me forever by "accidentally" kicking her in the head. Not very hard mind you, but I felt it. 

The best part was when Aminat said that it's OK the first time, but she's going to break some legs if it happens again. Why would Celia do it again? Who the fuck does Aminat think she's dealing w/, Chuck Norse?!?

Anyway, just remember that if you ever meet Aminat, you can kick her in the head and it's OK - but only once.

Photo Challenge: Fashionable Fighting

The winner gets 50% more frames - taken from another girl.

All the girls have to do is remember some of the moves they learned 5 minutes ago and take pictures doing just that.

• Teyona forgot she was at a photo shoot and just lumbered around for a few minutes
• Allison did the exact opposite and banged out a great shoot
• Celia had some dynamic shots but managed to BLOCK HER FACE most of the time
• Fo did fine but forgot her face
• Natalie looked dumb - the J's were nicer and said "clumsy"
• Aminat did whatever...when is this girl leaving?

Fo wins! Wait, what? How did that happen when the J's pointed out that she looked like a pug?!? I mean, pugs are super cute (no doubt) but hardly model-esqe. Anyway. She manages to act like a fool by taking her 50% from Teyona, claiming revenge for last week. But just to annoy me even further, she throws in that "Teyona is strong competition." 

Later on Teyona instigates some shit by confronting Fo. Teyona hardly made sense but Fo made even less when she claimed that she looked embarrassed in front of everyone last week. Uh...no one cares about you!

Photo Shoot: Carmen Miranda

The girls get to pose in a shitty neighborhood, while trying to channel Carmen Miranda. Sort of.

• Celia seemed to be holding back a little w/ everything, especially the face
• Allison looked so good and came off as adorable
• Natalie just sat there, like she always does, and was worried about all the poor people around her. Not, like, their well-being, but more so them touching her
• Aminat still looks confused and boring
• Teyona gave some great smiles
• Fo came across as very Carmen Miranda/drag queen. But I felt bad for her b/c Mr. J was all over the place w/ his "directing" and she just got more and more confused...

Later on we learn that while Natalie isn't worried about panel, Aminat is. Foreshadowing!

Panel

• Aminat (looks great!): the photo is OK but her face is whatever. The judges point out that she's been giving the same "Black Girl Model Pose" since day one.
• Natalie (looks terrible!): her photo is bland and the judges note that while the pose is pretty good, it's lacking sparkle. Also, SHE TRIED TO THROW MR. J UNDER THE BUS!!! Tyra was having none of that.
• Celia (spunky!): eh...not amazing. I agree that it is her weakest shot, but nothing worthy of getting kicked out for.
• Allison (adorable): GREAT FACE! Everyone notes that she looks Alive - best photo yet.
• Fo (casual but bright): it's agreed that she does look like Carmen Miranda but it's just cute and not fashionable.
• Teyona (ugh...): it was just OK for me, though I still loved all her smiles. The judges pointed out that the photo was an editorial version of Carmen Miranda.

Positive

Allison - has totally redeemed herself

Teyona - very model-esqe (whatever)

Negative

Fo - too much of an actor

Celia - not fresh

Aminat - a one-trick pony

Natalie - mo energy/boring

Thunderdome Battle! Deathmatch!

Aminat vs. Natalie

According to Tyra, Natalie is the prettiest girl/obvious model in the competition. Natalie loved to hear that. But she is also uninspiring. I imagine Natalie wasn't as pleased w/ that observation.

Aminat has the best body (which is probably true) but thinks she's doing more than she really is. Which is definitely true.

Going Home: Natalie - all she learned was that "you need to have thicker skin." But she did wonder why she was the one to go home when there were worse pictures than her's. I'll tell you why: YOU TRIED TO THROW MR. J UNDER THE BUS. How did she think that was going to play out?

My question was: couldn't we send them both home? Aminat absolutely drags down the competition.

Next Week: "Go Sees"! Sexy photo shoot! When are they going to get waxed?

ANTM #8 - Big Girls Don't Cry

During the recap we were treated to another clip of Thalia being sent home. I will NEVER get tired of that. Question: why do they do the Cover Girl commercial when there are still a fair amount of girls left in the competition? Most of them can't speak to save their lives, but w/ the stronger competitors at least there's a better chance on only one person failing miserably - instead of almost everyone.

I was kinda pissed that Celia and her picture (displayed as "digital art") didn't get much screen time, but it was delightful to see Celia tell Allison to "work harder" at gaining more versatility. I think that Celia is totally sick of having Allison hang onto her all the god damned time.

Across the house, Aminat and Teyona were commenting on how crappy the Cover Girl commercial experience was. That is correct, b/c it was crappy for everyone ladies.

Finally!!! Celia brings up London's street preaching and how she goes about doing it. I kinda don't think Celia really cared, maybe she was just bored. But I give London the credit she deserves for not being an asshole like Robin was in the first cycle. And it was nice to hear that London actually was still into God and Jesus - like I said before: "Maybe they broke up."

Later on, the girls get whisked away to their challenge. They are greeted by Mr. J, who explains what a "Creative Director" does. Hey, thanks for that! As if the words "creative" and "director" weren't already self-explanatory. But he needs to justify his presence, b/c he loves to hear himself talk - and I kinda do too, sometimes.

Seventeen Magazine editor Anne Shoket popped up to help out, explaining that the girls would be modeling South Pole, Jr. clothing, w/ "street-style w/ edge." 

Challenge: Creative Director for a day

Every girl gets to be the creative director for another girl's shoot. They will chose the clothing, design the hair and make-up, and direct the model w/ the help of the photographer. This should be fun.

• Natalie --> Teyona (Natalie thought she was "visionary", while I thought she was "aight." And you better believe that Mr. J wasn't buying it.)
• Allison --> Aminat (The surprise here is that Allison was more assertive and interesting than she's ever been in the competition. Mr. J noticed this too, also complimenting her on Aminat's look.)
• Fo --> London (There was some bitchy-ness about London having gained weight, making it hard to find the right clothes for her. I was not amused. Mr. J thought the whole thing looked like a Holiday Gap add.)
• Aminat --> Natalie (This was, by far, the most entertaining segment. All the girls get 1 hour to prep their model. Aminat wasted ALL OF HER TIME. When Mr. J points this out, instead of owning it and apologizing, she cops an attitude! And then she throws the hair/make-up people under the bus by claiming they were taking too long. Mr. J was having none of that, pointing out that when they have shoots the girls are sent to hair/make-up first while the clothing is being chosen for them. Aminat just had Natalie chillin' in a chair while she wandered around looking at clothes. She is clearly an Asshole.)
• Teyona --> Celia (It was interesting to see Teyona in action; she had a clear idea, executed it well and behaved like a normal person. Mr. J loved the shoot and was happy to hear that Teyona did all the styling herself.)
• London --> Allison (Poor girls! London was worried about getting Allison to look "Street" and I'm sure Allison was freaking out as well. She ended up putting an outfit together that looked EXACTLY like something she had worn before make-overs. Even going so far as to slap a headband on Allison. Mr. J was not impressed.)
• Celia --> Fo (This is Celia's strength: styling. She did a great job. While the shoot looked great, Mr. J pointed out that Celia chose a photo where Fo's feet were cut out of the picture. While that's the photographer's fault for shooting it, I'm sure there was something better she could have chosen.)

Winner: Teyona! She will get to do a photo spread in 17 Magazine and is allowed to pick two girls to go w/ her. She choses Celia and Aminat.

I love that Fo gets pissy over this. Teyona said very clearly that she chose Celia b/c she couldn't have won it w/out her. But that sort of logic doesn't fly w/ Fo I guess.

Mr. J sneeks into the house at 5:30am to wake up the girls. Fuck that. If I saw his frosted tips in my face at 5:30 in the god damned morning I would have instinctively punched him. But at least he brought hair and make-up w/ him so the girls could get ready.

The surprise for the day comes when R&B sensation Ciara shows up at the house. I don't know anything about this girl but she is very attractive and seems pretty nice. I loved her even more when Aminat attacked her w/ a hug and her body language clearly said: "Get the FUCK away from me!"

Photo Shoot: Stalking Ciara

• Celia: looking pretty fierce!
• London: prayed for help but didn't seem to get any. (Mr. J pulls her aside to talk about her weight gain and tells her he's concerned about her health.)
• Teyona: rockin' it!
• Natalie (of the crazy hair!): still dead in the face but when she was instructed to start snarling, she began to do better.
• Fo: looked great and gave a lot of variety in the face.
• Allison: came across as kinda awkward but when Mr. J chastised her for it, her anger got her into a really good groove!
• Aminat: FUCKING RETARDED. There was a moment that she actually turned her back to the camera and a photo was snapped. I feel like Mr. J was done w/ her.

Later on the clearly worst of the bunch talked about their photo shoots. Aminat asked Fo about her shoot and Fo straight up told her that she did a great job; Aminat was forced to admit that her's was not so awesome. On the other side of the house: Natalie asks about London's shoot and she said it was bad and Mr. J called her fat. Then London questions why God put her there. The answer is easy: God didn't do any of this, you did. You auditioned for the competition and ate too much breakfast cereal.

Panel

Before we even get to the carnage, a young man in a Speedo walks in carrying a box full of nuts up to Tyra. He's speaking Portuguese and, supposedly, Tyra can understand him pretty well. Turns out (duh) he's from Brazil! And that's where the girls are goin! Except the one that gets eliminated tonight!

• Natalie - Great face and even over-shadows Ciara (judges liked)
• Aminat - Looks absolutely clueless (judges did not like)
• Celia - Fierce and exclaims "I like it!" (judges state that it's "not classic" but loved it)
• Teyona - Good face but odd pose (judges liked)
• London - Weird looking - still channeling Norma Desmond (judges did not like)
• Fo - (looked adorable at panel!) Gave a great picture (judges liked)
• Allison - Fierce! For once! Though the body was only so/so (judged loved it)

Allison happened to complement the photographer by saying that he was her favorite to work w/. Then Nigel proved that he's a bigger bitch than we had originally thought by complaining. Tyra made it worse b/c she had to out-bitch Nigel. And then we all felt sorry for Allison.

Positive

Teyona - consistent

Fo - loved her

Natalie - still sucks in person

Celia - worried she more stylist than model

Negative

Allison - could do better

Aminat - might be better for runway

London - could do better, needs to lose weight

Thunderdome Battle! Deathmatch!

London vs. Aminat

According to Tyra, Aminat is gorgeous and perfect but doesn't translate that to the camera and may be better suited for runway. London is also amazing to look at, even having eyes that naturally smile, but just isn't good in pictures. Here Tyra chooses to use the word "celluloid" instead of just "film." It's funny how celluloid is similar in sound to "cellulite." It's also funny that London's photos have actually been strong the entire time and she's never had much trouble getting that on film, while Aminat is a fucking mess. 

Going Home: London

I saw that coming. It's only a little sad. I don't care much about London, so I wasn't emotionally involved in her "journey" but it was clear that Aminat is clueless and might go home next week. She's also a pretty big asshole; she cheered for herself when she was called to stay on the show - right in front of London.

But London is OK w/ everything and she's not even mad at God for being eliminated! I love how passive-aggressive Christian people are. London doesn't want to take responsibility for anything she does, she assumes that God is in charge of her every waking moment. HE is the one that put her on this show, HE is the one that made her get chubby, HE is the one that eliminated her. But it's cool, she's not angry w/ him...

NEXT WEEK: Capoera! And maybe Fo does bad?!?!