WTF is this shit?

ANTM (America's Next Top Model, for all you losers that don't know) is coming back March 10, with an extended premiere. And while the official CW website has nary a photo of the new crop, the Internets are abuzz with gossip. Kinda. I think everyone is just complaining about the photos that have been released and how awful they look. I'm all for crazy-kooky 80's kitch...but this?

Let's meet these bitches:

Name: Gabrielle

She's 18 years old and looks like a dead hooker in this picture/makeup/hair. Does it have to be so obvious how much Tyra hates these girls?

Name: Krista

First things first: why is there always some low-rent knock off version of Iman or Grace Jones on this show? Obviously Tyra isn't about to have a Naomi look-a-like (don't go there) but why the same old, same old? Now: this bitch is 26. TWENTY SIX!!

Name: Brenda

I am a sucker for redheads, so even though I think this thing is just a boring Majorie wannabe, I'm going to root for her. Plus, I can't tell if she's a bitch or just an idiot.

Name: Simone

Now there is a bitch. She could be attractive but that dumbass hair is just too much. Let's hope this is before make overs - er, Ty-overs. (She's 19, whatever.)

Name: Raina

Look. Sometimes I can't come up with snarky comments. I just can't. This is one of those times. Because this chick is nasty and I don't want to share a can of soda with her - even if I do get Mono and loose 20lbs. - it just wouldn't be worth it. Find some fucking Purell.

Name: Alexandra

I like her because she is clearly a throwback to the early 80's. She has her own soft focus, just like how some girls make their own wind. Now, I'm sure she's a moron and, heck, maybe she's a bitch too but I'm going to root for her.

Name: Anslee

Anslee? ANSLEE?! Maybe that's why she's making that face...

Name: Angelea

Imma call this one: Stripper. But I also have to caution that I am so fucking jealous of her hair.

Name: Naduah

I would like to begin by formally apologizing to Raina - even though I still think she's super funky in a bad way - because Naduah (really? Go fuck yourself with that) is FUGLY. God. Damn.

Name: Ren

She just looks like a bitch, huh? But I love her. Mostly because I am going to assume that she was named after my favorite Chiuhuaha.

Name: Alasia

Sigh...Another low-rent Ghetto Bitch. She'll be gone by episode 5. Better hair than Gabrielle though.

Name: Jessica

Oh, for fuck's sake...

Name: Tatianna

Now, I can't tell if she's making that face on purpose (like she thinks it sexy) or if it's all just a big jumbled together mess that will be eliminated first.

There you go kids - the newest crop of girls! They will be heading to Auckland for the finale because ANTM has gone to every corner of the earth. Oh, no they haven't. Whatever.

ANTM - Busted

I'm sorry to say that it looks like the rest of this cycle will not get the coverage that I had hopped I could give. There's a lot going on right now, which is good, but it's taking up most of my time. What I'd like to do is get you all a quick cover of what happened in the week's episode and maybe one or two pictures.

Sorry again, hopefully this summer's cycle will be better!

ANTM#4 - Are you fucking kidding me with this?

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

This happens every cycle. And every cycle we all fall for it in some way or another. But I was deeply disappointed this time around: trying to make Bianca sympathetic is just stupid.

As I pointed out last episode, Bianca is a survivor of an abusive relationship but we don't really hear too much about that. If she told any of the other girls in the house (besides Nicolle and just recently), it doesn't seem like they give a shit. And rightly so. This may sound harsh and even terrible but Bianca is an unpleasant person that deserves what she gets. I'm not saying that she deserved to be slapped around by her douche bag boyfriend (no matter how mouthy or unpleasant a woman is, you can always just dump her) but I am saying that whatever shit gets thrown her way by the producers or girls in the house, she completely asked for it.

Notice that Rae (who was kidnapped, raped and dumped at a gas station) doesn't flout her tragedy or behave like a ragging narcissistic bitch to the other girls in the house.

Let's move on...

Except we can't. LuLu and Ashley are complaining about Bianca, which is hardly noteworthy until Nicolle pipes up (during a private one-on-one) to point out that this makes them Shitty People. Just so you know, this means that they will be the Bad Guys once Bianca is kicked off.

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

Notice that Kara is lying in there with them. What does that mean? I can't be sure. Maybe she is trying to latch onto the "stronger" girls in the competition or maybe she just wants to be as close to whoever is calling people names, just so she won't get on their shit list. Or maybe she was just cold.

Challenge: Runway

(Awesome. A runway challenge RIGHT AFTER Courtney leaves)

It's pretty basic: the girls have to walk down a run way for Miss J, so he can make fun of them. Then they will partner up with another girl (wearing the same clothes as them) and people will compare who is better.

But first we are introduced to the amazing Diva Divanna (9) who rules at life.

(gif from fourfour.typepad.com)

There are some pretty old criticisms from Miss J about the girls:

Rae - right arm is stiff

Sundai - looks bored*

LuLu - seems shy**

Erin - weird right leg

Kara - leads with her chin

*OK, so I have come to the conclusion that this is just what Sundai does when she is called on to perform. She looks bored in front of the camera, and now on the catwalk. Either they are going to have to figure out a way to give her a shoot or challenge that accentuates "bored" or she is outta here.

**My favorite of all time load of crap "I'm not changing my walk, this is my signature walk." Your walk sucks, just like what's-her-fucking-name's walk sucked. CHANGE IT.

When the girls get home it becomes obvious that Bianca is not the only target for the Ashley/LuLu Bummer Train. Ashley talks trash about Brittany...sigh...

Sundai then decides to tell Bianca that Courtney talked shit on her. Did she? I don't really remember that ever happening. You think that maybe the producers would have shown that just to kinda make us like her even more (and there fore make her going home all the more tragic).

So, what does this mean about Sundai?

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

I think she kinda sucks. And I think she kinda agrees.

Ashley and LuLu pick on Bianca about her eyebrows and then ask her why she's giving them attitude. Maybe it's because you suck so hard. "So hard" because you are making me take Bianca's side.

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

Here's a good summary of these two: Ashley is so relaxed and enjoying herself because she doesn't have to do anything. LuLu will happily make herself the asshole of any situation by behaving/looking like an idiot. Talk about abusive relationships...

The nicest thing about the whole episode is that everyone gets what's going on with Ashley/LuLu. And they are over it.

Fashion Show: Walking with tall models

The girls must walk the runway, partnered with taller (normal sized) models. The winner gets a spread in 17 magazine for the Prom Issue.

Predictably, LuLu is too busy to focus on the challenge because she is talking so much shit.

Kinda reminds you of someone?

Turns out all that not paying attention really worked for them because, oh wait, it didn't.

Miss J and Anne Shoket called Ashley and Lulu out for doing a poor job. Bianca also got honorable mention for her stank face.

Brittany wins the challenge and picks Laura and Kara to go with her to the photo shoot. For some reason I wrote down that Kara is fucking weird, which is true, but I can't remember exactly why...

Later, during a touching Hot Tub moment Nicolle tries to get to the bottom of Bianca's attitude problem. Bianca sums it up by saying that she doesn't do "soft looks" because that's when you "get hurt." What?

Ashley becomes SUPER paranoid over anyone talking to Bianca and immediately ambushes Nicolle when she walks into the house. She calls her naive and claims that Nicolle just doesn't get that Bianca is a bad person. Which is great because Ashley doesn't know anything about Bianca and she's the bad person.

Photo Shoot: Looking taller

OK, why do they keep trying to make the girls look taller but continue to remind us that this is a special competition because all the girls are short?

(Do I even need to mention that LuLu started in - again - on Brittany? I think I should mention that Brittany doesn't even seem to notice that this is happening. How effective!)

Ashley

On the surface, she seems to have it together but look at the face: there's nothing there. I think I should also point out that last week's shot was Garbage.

Bianca

This is a pretty nice photo. Her face looks good, the pose is interesting and she's selling the clothes. Her only problem was scrunching her body up like that - it doesn't make her look tall at all.

Brittany

This is a terrible picture. Everything about it is silly and bad.

Erin

Again, this girl seems to have a Midas Touch. (Also, I want those shoes!)

Jennifer

This is a huge improvement from last week and a lovely photo to boot.

Kara

Best photo of the week? Maybe but I don't really think so. She also looks a bit muscular, which doesn't bother me as much as it normally bothers the judges.

Laura

This is only OK for me, which is sad because Laura should win this. For some reason sh just couldn't pull it out of the bag this time.

LuLu

After spending so much time not focusing on the photo shoot or the competition, we get this...

Nicolle

The judges freaked out over this one since it did exactly what they were asking for...and was not the Photo of the Week. That is Weak.

Rae

Here's another one that fell flat for me. She's forgetting her face and the pose is a little lingerie catalogue.

Sundai

Sundai Photo 5">

This is a nice photo because she doesn't look bored out of her mind. But the body is a little average for me.

I need to point out that LuLu has really made herself out to be quite an asshole. Whatever your thoughts or beliefs are, there's no reason to shit all over a person for thinking differently than you. So, even though Bianca's "Jesus is my homeboy" mini-speech was kinda whatever for me, I did not roll my eyes or call bullshit on her. Like LuLu did. Because LuLu is a nasty bitch.

Panel

(Guest Judge: Jamie Richar)

Tya graciously explains her method to her madness. She picked all the girls in this competition because they are all beautiful but she doesn't want people to pass them over just because they are shorter than the average model. So she is teaching them how to "be tall" so there's no excuses. Thanks Tyra!

Bianca manages to keep her mouth shut during the panel, which is probably why she's not in the bottom or on the Shit List.

Kara gets called first. Nicolle second. Erin third. Sundai fourth and Jennifer fifth. I'm happy that Jennifer is getting back on top.

Deathmatch: LuLu vs. Brittany

LuLu is supposedly the judges favorite girl to look at but her photos are sucking.

Brittany took a good photo last week but has been "inconsistent." In three weeks?

Going Home: who gives a shit since LuLu is the one to go home. I guess Karma really is a bitch, nice to know LuLu will have something to talk about during the ride home.

Of course, Ashley is fucking crushed but I'm sure she will move on and find someone else to puppeteer soon enough.

Next Week: Tyra shoots the girls! (I wish!)

ANTM#3 - Horse of a Different Color

We begin things with the most horrible person alive (Bianca) realizing that she needs to be more careful at Panel. No! Nonononononooo! If you stopped being so Stank, we wouldn't get to see this any more:

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

But whatever, fuck that chick. She's on her last leg anyway. That's the ultimate power of Asshole: if you remember, Bianca's story was one of trail and sadness. Her boyfriend beat her and verbally abused her; she finally managed to leave and made the decision to be on ANTM to prove to herself that she could be a model (possibly to prove that she is, indeed, beautiful). But now she's just a Bitch.

Rachel reveals that she worked at Wal-Mart before auditioning. Which is a surprise! I just assumed this was Rachel's life before ANTM

And Courtney decides to take her walking cast off...whoooooo cares!

Challenge 1: Interviews/Making an impression

The girls are taken to the Wilimena Modeling Agency to meet with the president of the company. They will have to interview with him and make a lasting impression. Nigel will be there to officiate.

LuLu claims to love the "fashion world" but admits that she doesn't pay attention to designers or photographers. Right. In. Front. Of. Nigel.

Rachel talks about having done musical theater (REALLY!?!) but blanks when asked to perform a song.

Nobody else made much of a lasting impression on me, so I'm just going to skip to the best part of this: SOMEONE IS GOING HOME RIGHT NOW!

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

Aaaaaaaaaand - it's Rachel. Awwwww....

(gif from fourfour.typepad.com)

Now here comes my favorite part: talking shit!

Right when they get home the girls start shitting all over Rachel. The best? Jennifer stating that she "like her and all" but she didn't really connect with Rachel. I love you too Jennifer...I love you too...

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

Later, the girls are whisked away to a random photo shoot with a random douche. He starts screaming and freaking out right away, distracting the girls from Tyra as she sneaks into the room dressed like this:

And then this happens:

(gif from fourfour.typepad.com)

Turns out we can count Multiple Personality Disorder as one of Tyra's many talents. The lass in the gif is SMIZE! The Super Model Super Hero! The word is basically Smile with Your Eyes but in Bizzaro Speak. And according to the reliable source of urbandicitonary.com it also means: The condition of having ejaculate in one's eye, which stings like the dickens.

Tyra works with the girls teaching them how to Smize (shudder) and it becomes clear that Jennifer just might be screwed.

Challenge 2: Smizing in the Fortress of Fierceness!

(wtf? I have no idea what is going on here)

Tyra greets the girls claiming that Smize had an emergency blah, blah, blah so she is here instead. Then (just for the fuck of it I assume) she has the girls dress up in this shit:

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

Well, at least Laura seems to be having fun.

The girls cover up their mouths to complete the Gay Ninja look and compete against each other to see who could smile with their eyes the best. Example:

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

I reeaaallly wish I had a shot of it but there was a great moment when Jennifer and Bianca were up on the platform together and Jennifer raised both of her hands. Why did she do this? Boyfriend guessed that it was an effort to psyche out Bianca. I really like that idea.

The winners of this challenge get some nice dresses and a nice dinner with the president of Wilimena. The losers get to put on uniforms and wash dishes in the restaurant the winners are currently dining in.

Best moment: Erin says "I'm not here to do dishes, I'm here to be a model."

You know who else is not here to do dishes? Bianca:

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

In a feat of Asshole so impressive you head might explode, Bianca gets uber defensive when Jennifer points out that she is putting dirty dishes into a freshly cleaned dishwasher. According to everyone on the face of the earth, the dishwasher was clearly clean - even though Bianca points out that some of the dishes are still kinda nasty looking. Either way: she over reacts and everyone thinks she is retarded and disgusting.

Photo Shoot: A Day at the Races

In an effort to remind everyone, yet again, that this cycle is for short people, the girls are sent to a race track to pose as Jockies with horses. Sort of. They will be naked and real live Jockies will be with them. It's wonderful because while the girls are shirt to average in height, Jockies are (it's widely accepted) freakishly small.

Anyway, here's the run down:

Ashley

Looks OK, but it's hardly a convincing photo. Turns out to be a test shot - ooooo....

Bianca

By now they are just fucking with her, right? Tranny Prostitute is NOT a high fashion look. Nor is it desirable unless all you have is $20 bucks and it's Last Call.

Brittany

Beautiful but bland. And a tad skinny. But kudos to her for modeling from her head to her tippy toes.

Courtney

She looks sad. Maybe it's because Mr. J wouldn't let her take off the walking cast when she was taking pictures standing in front of the horse.

Favorite moment: Courtney, bitching to the camera, says "Leave my boot on? Do you see what I am wearing?" Boyfriend, responding to her query: "Nothing?"

Erin

Oh, come on...

Jennifer

She looks cute but a tad crazy. But that's my favorite kind of girl! Of course, she did psyche herself out a bit with the concern for her goofy eye. Turns out it's some medical thing (that's actually real) and Mr. J, in his usual cavalier way, gives her useless hints on how to work with it.

Kara

It's a beautiful photo, no doubt, but a boring one as well. Also, she looks a tad clueless. I'm not warming up to her just yet.

Laura

Looks gorgeous! But I must admit that after looking at the photo a couple of times, I'm a little put off by it. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what it is, but something doesn't sit right with me...

LuLu

This is an OK picture. She just looks like she's hanging out on a horse, nothing new...

Nicole

Here's another picture which time has changed for me. I have written down "looks crazy" but I don't see that any more.

Rae

I think she looks cute. The judges seemed to like the photo too. But there's nothing special about this picture. And after looking at her first photo (the ballerina) I'm starting to wonder if I like her as much as I thought I did. There is certainly and effortless quality she has, but is it mostly that she is attractive? Or is there some natural raw talent in there?

Sundai

It's sad to say but I think that Sundai is stumbling her way through these shoots. There's a lot of energy in that girl and she is a delight to watch but once she gets in front of the camera...nothing. Of course she looks lovely but is this a good picture? Not really.

Later on, back at the house, Courtney starts bitching about the whole boot thing. Erin is sick of it and she decides to tell C to cool it. Not having her thunder stolen, Courtney gets defensive. Unfortunatly the other girls back her up and Erin is left feeling a bit awkward.

Honestly I think the support of everyone else stems from the fact that this was not the best shoot. Most of the girls did only OK and even those that fared better have such crappy self-esteem they second guess everything.

Panel (w/ Guest Judge Lauren Conrad, because, why not!)

There were a few good moments:

Ashley's photo was revealed to be a test shot (BURN).

Brittany's photo was called out as Nigel's favorite.

Bianca starts in with the Stank right away by passive-agressivly bitching about her wig (with good reason though!) and Ms. J does his awesome Drag Queen voice.

Courtney does some feeble bitching about Das Boot.

Winners:

Erin (called first)

Brittany

Laura

Nicole

Kara

Death Match: Bianca vs. Courtney

Bianca needs to work on her attitude. She was bitchy and complained last week and she was bitchy and complained this week. Hopefully she will be bitchy and complain next week so Tyra can send her fucking ridiculous ass home.

Courtney's transgression was similar but smaller (imo). She gave up once she realized that the boot was staying on and it showed in her photo. She even went so far as to try to throw Mr. J under the bus, claiming that since it was his idea to keep it on, it was, basically his fault. Now that the boot is off, will things get better?

Going Home: Courtney

I guess we're never going to find out. Tyra explains AGAIN to Bianca that she needs to get her act together and then hugs it out with C.

Next Week: Fashion Show!