It's The Most Wonderful Time of the YEEAAAR!

It's baaaack! ANTM (America's Next Top Model, but if you don't know that by now - fuck you) will be starting September 9th. The CW has FINALLY released the top girls (14). Of course it's always a little anti-climactic to already know who is going to be on the show - but it's almost more fun to judge them before even hearing them talk. I know there are a lot of videos and other promotional stuff out there, but I prefer to wait until the premire.

For now, let's take a look at the memebers of the Lollipop Guild that made the cut:

(What? Don't you remember - everyone is 5'7" and under this cycle!)

Ashley

She hails from Chicago but currently lives in Brooklyn. Her occupation is listed as "artist." I'm going to bet $5 that the first thing Trya will say to Ashely include the words "Barack" and "Obama." Other than that, she's a little whatever for me.

Bianca

From South Carolina, currently Washington D.C. Says that she's a "student" - what the fuck is she studying? How to look exactly like the craziest bitch (before Thalia) from last season? Why do they do this? Her name is even reused. This makes me think that the producers are telling us she will be the Crazy Bitch this cycle. So I refuse to believe it.

Brittany

Doesn't she look like a bowl full of crazy?! She's a student from Livermore, California but now lives in Santa Clara, California. Lame. Moving from one part of the state to another? The last two bitches moved out of the state - this just makes you look lazy. But then...it says Santa Clara, which makes me think Santa Carla - which is the location that "The Lost Boys" took place (fictional, but whatever). So I like that. Hopefully her crazy will combine with some shitty outlook on life; maybe she voted Yes on Prop. 8.

Courtney

OMG. This girl is fantastic. She looks like Ashley Judd. Is a Cheer Instructor and comes from Florida. CHRIST. How white trash do you have to be? Aaaand, since she's a cheer instructor none of the other girls are going to take her seriously, which will cause her to get a huge chip on her shoulder. Hopefully she's the first one to have a breakdown this cycle.

Erin

I'll admit that she looks lovely but she also looks boooooring. She's a students from Kenosha, Wisconsin (you better believe I'm going to say that with a Fargo accent for the duration of the show) but now lives in Sprig Grove, Illinos. I see black horse here...an edgy hair cut might make all the difference.

Jennifer

ME LIKEY!!! Finally, another Asian chick on the show. Sheila was WASTED on that cycle, so I'm going to assume that Jennifer is here with a vengance. She's also got a great face too. Originally from Philly, Jennifer currently resides in NY. Aaaand she's a model. Awesome, so we can just crown her now and be done with it!

Kara...

is a man.

Laura

This is Laura. She looks a little confused. Is it because she's from Kentucky? Maybe. Is it because she is a waitress? Doubt it. I think it's because she's so fucking skinny that her nerves have some how detached themselves from her brain and she clearly never has any idea where she is.

Lisa

Look at that smug little face. Fuck it. I change my mind: Lisa should win. Everything about her is awesome. She's 5'5", from Queens and is a student. I imagine that she sounds like Rosie Perez when she talks. This bitch is the best.

Lulu

Hmmm...she looks pretty gangsta. And she's from Brooklyn. But I think she's too young (19) to really succed in this. I'll bet that she is the First Bitch in the house and the others take her down pretty swiftly. Like a National Geographic doc.

Nicole

Ugh. It's like Tori Amos and Gollum had a baby. She looks annoying, which could mean anything since all the girls are annoying in their own special way. I think Tyra will either cop off her hair or dye it pale, pale blonde.

Rachel

She looks like "Gadget" from "Chip 'n' Dale's Rescue Rangers."

Rea

I'm going crazy now. Every time I look at one of these bitches I see someone famous. So: Rae looks like Clair Danes. But not as delightful.

Sundai

HOLY FUCKBALLS. This girl can't be real, can she? Her name is "Sundai"? Like, Ice Cream Sundae but spelled wrong? Or even the day of the week but REALLY spelled wrong? On top of that, she's from Bakersfield which is THE worst place on earth. And she has a moustache.

So there you go folks. In just one week we will get to meet these short stacks and watch the battle begin. I will try to provide the best coverage that I can, especially since I've gotten a little better at the pictures and everything!