Tuesday, May 12, 2009

ANTM #11 - Dance Like There's Ass In Your Pants

I apologize for how late this is but last weekend was super hectic. Hopefully I have a few moments in the next few days to tell you what's going on, but now: on to the show!

First of all I need to address the fact that Teyona looks awkward and ridiculous in a dress. That must be why she never wears them. But then, she looks silly in jeans and t-shirts (Mall Uniform), so maybe the girl is just screwed.
I'm kinda bummed that Celia was sort of passive-aggressive about Teyona being the clear front-runner. My hope was that last week's ass-kicking would full some "bitch fire" and lead to a little smack-talking. But Celia is more mature and better suited to quiet hatred.
Now, the fact that Aminat thinks Celia is a "bit much" is laughable since Aminat is "too fucking much." I want to punch her in the face.

It's a little lame that the four girls have split off into racially divided pairs. I'm not under the delusional impression that ANTM should aspire to be a color blind podium but it gets old when the mousy white girls crawl together and the, stereotypically, bitchy/trashy/ghetto black girls lord over the roost. Why is it that this seems to happen every cycle?

And I kind of hate looking at Aminat's face.

Time to learn the Samba!!!
We are given a sparse tutorial on a lovely Brazilian dance in favor of an explanation as to why the girls are doing this. You mean there's a reason other than embarrassing them? According to Paulina (who I am disliking more and more as the cycle draws to a close), dancing and modeling are similar because you must learn how to move your body and make it look easy. Basically: Fake it till you make it. Some of these ladies ("ladies") shouldn't have a problem w/ that.

Paulina reminds them to keep their faces looking good and to not look down while they are dancing, which is good advice. The only time she will have offered something like that all cycle.

  • Celia does OK but kinda looks "hard", as if she were concentrating too hard. Paulina says she looks desperate which is fucking harsh and a super bitchy thing to say.
  • Aminat is whatever for me, as usual. Paulina, however, wants to lick her vagina.
  • Allison knew she was screwed going into this and must have decided to just fuck it and go with whatever popped into her head. Lucky us!!!
  • Teyona did shit and simply refused to look up. I fucking hate her.
Challenge: Samba
The girls changed into some lovely dresses and meet Paulina on a roof top. What's with all the roof tops this cycle?
Paulina will be judging the girls' performance and has declared that anytime someone looks down she is going to subtract "a million points." What is she, five years old? A MILLION-BILLION-GAZILLION POINTS! What's even worse is that she singles out Allison after saying this even though it was Teyona who refused to peel her eyes from the floor. Oh well, I guess the show is color blind when it comes to stupidity.
  • Allison was a total goof-ball but we already knew that. She did not perform well, but we already knew that.
  • Celia is much better this time around. She seems lighter and less tense.
  • Aminat did whatever, again. Some how her bare minimum seems to register as top quality performance with the modeling set, while us "proles" see utter shit. This must be like when a dog can hear some freaky high-pitched noise that the rest of us can't and then totally flips it's shit while we just look at it and wonder: what the hell?
  • Teyona is fucking retarded and kept looking down. She will probably win this challenge.
Winner: Celia!!!!!! It's about fucking time people!The most satisfying part of this is that I started to write Aminat and was genuinely surprised when Paulina called Celia.
Then it all got flushed down the toilet when Celia, obviously, picked Allison to share her prize and Paulina openly disapproved. For some reason Paulina wanted Celia to pick Aminat because she was her (Paulina's) second choice. Well, bitch, if you wanted Aminat to win so badly why did you pick her? Fuck that. Aminat would have chosen Teyona, so it doesn't matter.

The girls astutely guess that the photo shoot will have something to do with birds and Aminat says "push me out!" in reference to momma birds nudging baby birds from the nest. If only Aminat, if only...

On a side note: I do appreciate that no one has started the arguing again. I was kinda sick of it anyway.

Photo Shoot: Bird Brained
  • Allison (according to Tyra, is supposed to channel an owl/pterodactyl protecting it's baby birds. Tyra does crack. Also, she doesn't tell any of the other girls stupid shit like that after realizing that it is stupid shit) - thankfully, even though Allison looked utterly insane she cranked out some amazing shots.
  • Aminat - looked good and had some great poses but could not change her fucking face. And it was a cop-out that her poses were decent, since the constraints of where the shoot was being done MADE her try something new.
  • Celia - had a lot of good poses and seemed much more relaxed. Now I am totally tense: is she going home because she has a great day? Is this a "here's your bone" moment?!?!
  • Teyona - was boring all over the place, even though Tyra couldn't get enough of her (but, as we established above she does crack). But with all the feathers and the tree trunk/pole the bitch just ended up looking like a damned stripper.
  • Allison - LOVED IT! Her photo was lovely; she managed to keep her face from looking retarded and even achieved some level of sensuality. The judges liked it too.
  • Teyona - it was just OK for me. Her body looked odd but her face was pretty nice. Here's the kicker: Tyra didn't like it all that much!!!
  • Celia - LOVED IT PART DUEX! She looked fierce and confidant. Also: Tyra loved shooting her - so fuck you Teyona/Aminat.
  • Aminat - not bad really. Her body language was nice but her face fucking fell flat - again.
Aminat (has drive but doesn't give good face)

Teyona (too complacent)
Celia (doesn't use her face - BULLSHIT excuse to throw her off the bus)

Thunderdome Battle! Deathmatch!
Celia vs. Aminat
Ceila - has strength in body but not the face. She may be mature but she's also strong and edgy, so why is she in the Bottom Two for what sounds like Aminat's problem?
Aminat - also has strength in her body but not her face - mostly because it doesn't catch the light right. Well, that doesn't sound like something you can just smile w/ your eyes at...

Going Home: Celia. Go fuck yourself ANTM.
Tyra goes on about how she really enjoyed working with Celia but thinks that her position in the world of fashion will be as a stylist or designer. This may be an American Idol situation in which the promising contestant is voted off early because they are not the fan favorite but then go on to a great career. Either way, Celia said she had a lot of fun and was excited to have been a part of the show and will for sure pursue a career in fashion.

NEXT WEEK - The Final 3!!!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

ANTM #10 - Brazilian Wax

After the girls come home from last weeks panel we get to heat Teyona's opinion about Natalie leaving, even though no one asked her for it. She couldn't care less that Nat is gone, since all she did was complain. Well, I won't care much either when you're gone b/c all you do is Stank. But Celia pointed out that no one appreciated Natalie's talent. It's true - no one did, mostly b/c she didn't have any.

Fo is proud of herself for making it this far in the competition b/c everything she does is so half-assed. I think we have a winner for Best Foreshadowing of the Season (oops! Cycle).

Challenge: Go Sees!

Ah, "Go Sees"...a beloved tradition in the ANTM universe. There's always one that you figure will fail miserably and this time around it's Allison. Why? BECAUSE SHE SAID SHE'S NERVOUS. Who knew?

Requirements: the 5 designers the girls are supposed to see are looking for...
Soul - which is funny b/c Teyona and Aminat have no souls

And the girls all have to be back by 3:30pm. Of course, there's TONS of traffic and the girls start freaking out. 
Celia is trying out Logic for this challenge: start at the last designer and work your way back. Not a bad idea! Teyona might have the same idea b/c she arrives right after Celia; frustrated, she moves on to the next designer instead of wasting time by waiting. Meanwhile, Celia does very well but the designer is "bothered" by her age. Well, bitch, I'm bothered by your face!

Allison does poorly b/c...SHE'S NERVOUS.

Celia, using more Logic decides to walk to most of the designers to save time - this also seems like a good idea.

Fo is doing well but moves a little too slowly for the designers she sees.

Teyona is still running around like a chicken w/ it's fucking head cut off and keeps showing up right after a girl has arrived. She continues the mad, mad cycle for eternity...NO, WAIT! She finally makes it to a designer that is free and does well.

Aminat impresses the designers w/ her walk (basically the only thing she's got going for her). But everyone agrees that they would rather book her for runway instead of print.

In a one-on-one Aminat mention that she wants Celia to go home b/c she "looks old." Interestingly, I want Aminat to go home b/c she fucking sucks and can't model worth shit.

Teyona gives up on trying to finish the challenge and is rewarded for her stupidity and laziness by arriving 20 minutes early to the final destination.
Aminat is second w/ 10 minutes to spare.
Allison brings up the rear w/ only 3 minutes left!
Fo, on the other hand is incredibly late and Teyona shoves it in her face so hard the girl's nose breaks - what a cunt! Eh, I don't really care for Fo either...

The girls that arrived on time are given a helicopter ride to another location to find out who wins the challenge. Celia and Fo are nearly blown off the roof while watching the others lift off. As added salt in their wounds, they are made to take a taxi back to the penthouse. That sucks. You know what would have been worse though? If they had been made to walk through the crime ridden streets of Sao Paulo to some shitty cardboard shack and made to live there for the rest of their lives. Something like that.

Once the three arrive at the location they are told how well they did:
Allison saw four designers but came across as too insecure and was told to work on her walk.
Aminat, obviously, had a great walk and was well liked by the designers.
Teyona was told that the designers really liked her and thought she had a beautiful face (you should see her personality!)

Winner: Teyona (this annoyed me on a basic level); she gets a bunch of clothes, which is great for her since the girl couldn't put on a good outfit if there was a fucking gun pressed to her temple.

Fo begins to cry during her one-on-one, making her even less attractive than she was before (to me, at least).

Photo Shoot: Brazilian Beach Bingo!
Nigel will be shooting the girls today! This time around it's another group shot, but instead of fighting for the spotlight the ladies ("ladies") will be in a beach scene w/ regular looking people. I thought they were going to have some gorgeous Brazilian models running around in Speedos and bikinis, making it harder for us to pay attention to our beloved simpletons. But, as it turns out, it's actually just regular ass people. Totally easy to spot any of the girls.

  • Aminat - THE SAME FUCKING POSE AS EVERY WEEK. Christ! And it was all so awkward and strange that I was uncomfortable sitting on the couch. Neither Nigel or Mr. J were impressed.
  • Fo - was totally nervous and all up in her head. Nobody was impressed.
  • Allison - was the tasty surprise of the episode! She did a great job and totally committed to every shot. Nigel and Mr. J loved her to death!
  • Teyona - started out in her head and took a moment to get in the rhythm, but once there she did well. Both of the guys ("guys") like her.
  • Celia - I'm sorry to say suck balls. She lost it somewhere and had real trouble connecting to her surroundings. It got so bad that Nigel had to step in and show her just what he wanted. Nobody was pleased w/ this.
Later on, back at the penthouse, Aminat and Teyona act like assholes and eavesdrop on the other three talking. All are in agreement that Aminat will be going on, though Aminat doesn't seem to agree w/ them.

Holy shit! Did you see Tyra's hair?!?

  • Teyona: good photo/uses her body well/I thought it was OK.
  • Celia: OK photo/ "not the easiest girl to shoot that day"/admits that she practiced "for hours", which it turns out ruined her.
  • Aminat: OK photo/clearly not using her body/to me it looked like she was kinda hiding it.
  • Fo: TERRIBLE photo/hunched over and crappy, she looked like Gollum
  • Allison: an odd photo (that Tyra chose, I might add - bitch) but AMAZING face!
Turns out that Allison only booked 1 out of 4 Go Sees, which is pretty bad. Even worse? Fo booking NONE of the 5 she made it to!
However, I was disappointed that we didn't find out how many Aminat, Teyona or Ceclia booked. In a perfect world Celia would have booked all of the designers and the other two would have only booked one or two. But that's probably not what happened. In fact, I think it's more likely that Celia and Flotsam and Jetsam booked about the same amount.

Aminat - didn't come across as natural and has no "good" tension when she poses
Celia - just rehearsed to damn much
Fo - was nothing close to natural and was basically a disaster

Teyona - looked good in the photo and the dress she won and wore to panel
Allison - did a great job, but I guess not good enough for more encouragement than that

Thunderdome Battle! Deathmatch!
Celia vs. Fo
Basically it comes down to this:
Celia has consistently delivered good, sometimes great photos, but just psyched herself out that day. She was disqualified on a challenge that she might have won and tried a little too hard to over compensate.
Fo, on the other hand, has been spotty throughout the competition and crawls so far up into her head she gets lost. Plus, she fucking short for a model (5'8"). Even though Celia is ANCIENT (25), she's still more focused and talented.

Going Home: Fo. Of course she cries and cries and cries. But she also promises to keep modeling and to get her high school diploma, which I think is wonderful.

What else do I think is wonderful? That Tyra told Celia "don't give them the 'she's 25' excuse." This makes me think that Tyra is pulling for Celia and has some investment in her winning the competition. It makes sense though; the biggest part of this show this that a charity case wins. Sometimes that girl is fat, Hispanic or just boring. Maybe this time she will be old as fuck.

Next Week: Samba lessons! Tyra photo shoot!
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