ANTM#4 - Are you fucking kidding me with this?

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

This happens every cycle. And every cycle we all fall for it in some way or another. But I was deeply disappointed this time around: trying to make Bianca sympathetic is just stupid.

As I pointed out last episode, Bianca is a survivor of an abusive relationship but we don't really hear too much about that. If she told any of the other girls in the house (besides Nicolle and just recently), it doesn't seem like they give a shit. And rightly so. This may sound harsh and even terrible but Bianca is an unpleasant person that deserves what she gets. I'm not saying that she deserved to be slapped around by her douche bag boyfriend (no matter how mouthy or unpleasant a woman is, you can always just dump her) but I am saying that whatever shit gets thrown her way by the producers or girls in the house, she completely asked for it.

Notice that Rae (who was kidnapped, raped and dumped at a gas station) doesn't flout her tragedy or behave like a ragging narcissistic bitch to the other girls in the house.

Let's move on...

Except we can't. LuLu and Ashley are complaining about Bianca, which is hardly noteworthy until Nicolle pipes up (during a private one-on-one) to point out that this makes them Shitty People. Just so you know, this means that they will be the Bad Guys once Bianca is kicked off.

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

Notice that Kara is lying in there with them. What does that mean? I can't be sure. Maybe she is trying to latch onto the "stronger" girls in the competition or maybe she just wants to be as close to whoever is calling people names, just so she won't get on their shit list. Or maybe she was just cold.

Challenge: Runway

(Awesome. A runway challenge RIGHT AFTER Courtney leaves)

It's pretty basic: the girls have to walk down a run way for Miss J, so he can make fun of them. Then they will partner up with another girl (wearing the same clothes as them) and people will compare who is better.

But first we are introduced to the amazing Diva Divanna (9) who rules at life.

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There are some pretty old criticisms from Miss J about the girls:

Rae - right arm is stiff

Sundai - looks bored*

LuLu - seems shy**

Erin - weird right leg

Kara - leads with her chin

*OK, so I have come to the conclusion that this is just what Sundai does when she is called on to perform. She looks bored in front of the camera, and now on the catwalk. Either they are going to have to figure out a way to give her a shoot or challenge that accentuates "bored" or she is outta here.

**My favorite of all time load of crap "I'm not changing my walk, this is my signature walk." Your walk sucks, just like what's-her-fucking-name's walk sucked. CHANGE IT.

When the girls get home it becomes obvious that Bianca is not the only target for the Ashley/LuLu Bummer Train. Ashley talks trash about Brittany...sigh...

Sundai then decides to tell Bianca that Courtney talked shit on her. Did she? I don't really remember that ever happening. You think that maybe the producers would have shown that just to kinda make us like her even more (and there fore make her going home all the more tragic).

So, what does this mean about Sundai?

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I think she kinda sucks. And I think she kinda agrees.

Ashley and LuLu pick on Bianca about her eyebrows and then ask her why she's giving them attitude. Maybe it's because you suck so hard. "So hard" because you are making me take Bianca's side.

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

Here's a good summary of these two: Ashley is so relaxed and enjoying herself because she doesn't have to do anything. LuLu will happily make herself the asshole of any situation by behaving/looking like an idiot. Talk about abusive relationships...

The nicest thing about the whole episode is that everyone gets what's going on with Ashley/LuLu. And they are over it.

Fashion Show: Walking with tall models

The girls must walk the runway, partnered with taller (normal sized) models. The winner gets a spread in 17 magazine for the Prom Issue.

Predictably, LuLu is too busy to focus on the challenge because she is talking so much shit.

Kinda reminds you of someone?

Turns out all that not paying attention really worked for them because, oh wait, it didn't.

Miss J and Anne Shoket called Ashley and Lulu out for doing a poor job. Bianca also got honorable mention for her stank face.

Brittany wins the challenge and picks Laura and Kara to go with her to the photo shoot. For some reason I wrote down that Kara is fucking weird, which is true, but I can't remember exactly why...

Later, during a touching Hot Tub moment Nicolle tries to get to the bottom of Bianca's attitude problem. Bianca sums it up by saying that she doesn't do "soft looks" because that's when you "get hurt." What?

Ashley becomes SUPER paranoid over anyone talking to Bianca and immediately ambushes Nicolle when she walks into the house. She calls her naive and claims that Nicolle just doesn't get that Bianca is a bad person. Which is great because Ashley doesn't know anything about Bianca and she's the bad person.

Photo Shoot: Looking taller

OK, why do they keep trying to make the girls look taller but continue to remind us that this is a special competition because all the girls are short?

(Do I even need to mention that LuLu started in - again - on Brittany? I think I should mention that Brittany doesn't even seem to notice that this is happening. How effective!)

Ashley

On the surface, she seems to have it together but look at the face: there's nothing there. I think I should also point out that last week's shot was Garbage.

Bianca

This is a pretty nice photo. Her face looks good, the pose is interesting and she's selling the clothes. Her only problem was scrunching her body up like that - it doesn't make her look tall at all.

Brittany

This is a terrible picture. Everything about it is silly and bad.

Erin

Again, this girl seems to have a Midas Touch. (Also, I want those shoes!)

Jennifer

This is a huge improvement from last week and a lovely photo to boot.

Kara

Best photo of the week? Maybe but I don't really think so. She also looks a bit muscular, which doesn't bother me as much as it normally bothers the judges.

Laura

This is only OK for me, which is sad because Laura should win this. For some reason sh just couldn't pull it out of the bag this time.

LuLu

After spending so much time not focusing on the photo shoot or the competition, we get this...

Nicolle

The judges freaked out over this one since it did exactly what they were asking for...and was not the Photo of the Week. That is Weak.

Rae

Here's another one that fell flat for me. She's forgetting her face and the pose is a little lingerie catalogue.

Sundai

Sundai Photo 5">

This is a nice photo because she doesn't look bored out of her mind. But the body is a little average for me.

I need to point out that LuLu has really made herself out to be quite an asshole. Whatever your thoughts or beliefs are, there's no reason to shit all over a person for thinking differently than you. So, even though Bianca's "Jesus is my homeboy" mini-speech was kinda whatever for me, I did not roll my eyes or call bullshit on her. Like LuLu did. Because LuLu is a nasty bitch.

Panel

(Guest Judge: Jamie Richar)

Tya graciously explains her method to her madness. She picked all the girls in this competition because they are all beautiful but she doesn't want people to pass them over just because they are shorter than the average model. So she is teaching them how to "be tall" so there's no excuses. Thanks Tyra!

Bianca manages to keep her mouth shut during the panel, which is probably why she's not in the bottom or on the Shit List.

Kara gets called first. Nicolle second. Erin third. Sundai fourth and Jennifer fifth. I'm happy that Jennifer is getting back on top.

Deathmatch: LuLu vs. Brittany

LuLu is supposedly the judges favorite girl to look at but her photos are sucking.

Brittany took a good photo last week but has been "inconsistent." In three weeks?

Going Home: who gives a shit since LuLu is the one to go home. I guess Karma really is a bitch, nice to know LuLu will have something to talk about during the ride home.

Of course, Ashley is fucking crushed but I'm sure she will move on and find someone else to puppeteer soon enough.

Next Week: Tyra shoots the girls! (I wish!)

ANTM#3 - Horse of a Different Color

We begin things with the most horrible person alive (Bianca) realizing that she needs to be more careful at Panel. No! Nonononononooo! If you stopped being so Stank, we wouldn't get to see this any more:

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

But whatever, fuck that chick. She's on her last leg anyway. That's the ultimate power of Asshole: if you remember, Bianca's story was one of trail and sadness. Her boyfriend beat her and verbally abused her; she finally managed to leave and made the decision to be on ANTM to prove to herself that she could be a model (possibly to prove that she is, indeed, beautiful). But now she's just a Bitch.

Rachel reveals that she worked at Wal-Mart before auditioning. Which is a surprise! I just assumed this was Rachel's life before ANTM

And Courtney decides to take her walking cast off...whoooooo cares!

Challenge 1: Interviews/Making an impression

The girls are taken to the Wilimena Modeling Agency to meet with the president of the company. They will have to interview with him and make a lasting impression. Nigel will be there to officiate.

LuLu claims to love the "fashion world" but admits that she doesn't pay attention to designers or photographers. Right. In. Front. Of. Nigel.

Rachel talks about having done musical theater (REALLY!?!) but blanks when asked to perform a song.

Nobody else made much of a lasting impression on me, so I'm just going to skip to the best part of this: SOMEONE IS GOING HOME RIGHT NOW!

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Aaaaaaaaaand - it's Rachel. Awwwww....

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Now here comes my favorite part: talking shit!

Right when they get home the girls start shitting all over Rachel. The best? Jennifer stating that she "like her and all" but she didn't really connect with Rachel. I love you too Jennifer...I love you too...

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Later, the girls are whisked away to a random photo shoot with a random douche. He starts screaming and freaking out right away, distracting the girls from Tyra as she sneaks into the room dressed like this:

And then this happens:

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Turns out we can count Multiple Personality Disorder as one of Tyra's many talents. The lass in the gif is SMIZE! The Super Model Super Hero! The word is basically Smile with Your Eyes but in Bizzaro Speak. And according to the reliable source of urbandicitonary.com it also means: The condition of having ejaculate in one's eye, which stings like the dickens.

Tyra works with the girls teaching them how to Smize (shudder) and it becomes clear that Jennifer just might be screwed.

Challenge 2: Smizing in the Fortress of Fierceness!

(wtf? I have no idea what is going on here)

Tyra greets the girls claiming that Smize had an emergency blah, blah, blah so she is here instead. Then (just for the fuck of it I assume) she has the girls dress up in this shit:

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

Well, at least Laura seems to be having fun.

The girls cover up their mouths to complete the Gay Ninja look and compete against each other to see who could smile with their eyes the best. Example:

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

I reeaaallly wish I had a shot of it but there was a great moment when Jennifer and Bianca were up on the platform together and Jennifer raised both of her hands. Why did she do this? Boyfriend guessed that it was an effort to psyche out Bianca. I really like that idea.

The winners of this challenge get some nice dresses and a nice dinner with the president of Wilimena. The losers get to put on uniforms and wash dishes in the restaurant the winners are currently dining in.

Best moment: Erin says "I'm not here to do dishes, I'm here to be a model."

You know who else is not here to do dishes? Bianca:

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

In a feat of Asshole so impressive you head might explode, Bianca gets uber defensive when Jennifer points out that she is putting dirty dishes into a freshly cleaned dishwasher. According to everyone on the face of the earth, the dishwasher was clearly clean - even though Bianca points out that some of the dishes are still kinda nasty looking. Either way: she over reacts and everyone thinks she is retarded and disgusting.

Photo Shoot: A Day at the Races

In an effort to remind everyone, yet again, that this cycle is for short people, the girls are sent to a race track to pose as Jockies with horses. Sort of. They will be naked and real live Jockies will be with them. It's wonderful because while the girls are shirt to average in height, Jockies are (it's widely accepted) freakishly small.

Anyway, here's the run down:

Ashley

Looks OK, but it's hardly a convincing photo. Turns out to be a test shot - ooooo....

Bianca

By now they are just fucking with her, right? Tranny Prostitute is NOT a high fashion look. Nor is it desirable unless all you have is $20 bucks and it's Last Call.

Brittany

Beautiful but bland. And a tad skinny. But kudos to her for modeling from her head to her tippy toes.

Courtney

She looks sad. Maybe it's because Mr. J wouldn't let her take off the walking cast when she was taking pictures standing in front of the horse.

Favorite moment: Courtney, bitching to the camera, says "Leave my boot on? Do you see what I am wearing?" Boyfriend, responding to her query: "Nothing?"

Erin

Oh, come on...

Jennifer

She looks cute but a tad crazy. But that's my favorite kind of girl! Of course, she did psyche herself out a bit with the concern for her goofy eye. Turns out it's some medical thing (that's actually real) and Mr. J, in his usual cavalier way, gives her useless hints on how to work with it.

Kara

It's a beautiful photo, no doubt, but a boring one as well. Also, she looks a tad clueless. I'm not warming up to her just yet.

Laura

Looks gorgeous! But I must admit that after looking at the photo a couple of times, I'm a little put off by it. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what it is, but something doesn't sit right with me...

LuLu

This is an OK picture. She just looks like she's hanging out on a horse, nothing new...

Nicole

Here's another picture which time has changed for me. I have written down "looks crazy" but I don't see that any more.

Rae

I think she looks cute. The judges seemed to like the photo too. But there's nothing special about this picture. And after looking at her first photo (the ballerina) I'm starting to wonder if I like her as much as I thought I did. There is certainly and effortless quality she has, but is it mostly that she is attractive? Or is there some natural raw talent in there?

Sundai

It's sad to say but I think that Sundai is stumbling her way through these shoots. There's a lot of energy in that girl and she is a delight to watch but once she gets in front of the camera...nothing. Of course she looks lovely but is this a good picture? Not really.

Later on, back at the house, Courtney starts bitching about the whole boot thing. Erin is sick of it and she decides to tell C to cool it. Not having her thunder stolen, Courtney gets defensive. Unfortunatly the other girls back her up and Erin is left feeling a bit awkward.

Honestly I think the support of everyone else stems from the fact that this was not the best shoot. Most of the girls did only OK and even those that fared better have such crappy self-esteem they second guess everything.

Panel (w/ Guest Judge Lauren Conrad, because, why not!)

There were a few good moments:

Ashley's photo was revealed to be a test shot (BURN).

Brittany's photo was called out as Nigel's favorite.

Bianca starts in with the Stank right away by passive-agressivly bitching about her wig (with good reason though!) and Ms. J does his awesome Drag Queen voice.

Courtney does some feeble bitching about Das Boot.

Winners:

Erin (called first)

Brittany

Laura

Nicole

Kara

Death Match: Bianca vs. Courtney

Bianca needs to work on her attitude. She was bitchy and complained last week and she was bitchy and complained this week. Hopefully she will be bitchy and complain next week so Tyra can send her fucking ridiculous ass home.

Courtney's transgression was similar but smaller (imo). She gave up once she realized that the boot was staying on and it showed in her photo. She even went so far as to try to throw Mr. J under the bus, claiming that since it was his idea to keep it on, it was, basically his fault. Now that the boot is off, will things get better?

Going Home: Courtney

I guess we're never going to find out. Tyra explains AGAIN to Bianca that she needs to get her act together and then hugs it out with C.

Next Week: Fashion Show!

ANTM#2 - Makeovers!!! (part 2)

Breaking this recap into two parts seemed sensible considering how many pictures there are going to be...

After the makeovers and the departure of Amber and the re-introduction of Lisa, the girls were sent to their new home. Which had a fucking circus theme.

Kinda like this

Though, I wish it was more like this...

Anyway, Bianca acts like an asshole, Lisa LOOKS cha cha but acts like the human equivalent of Muzak and Nicole is still doing her best to alienate the other girls. Good for her.

Photo Shoot: Baby Photos

The girls are shown a baby picture of theirs and are challenged to replicate it. But high fashion. Sadly, no one brought a photo of them with spaghetti all over their face.

Sundai

I don't know what she thought she was doing with this. The original picture was pretty much the same except she wasn't about to be date raped at a kegger.

Lisa

It's like girl-John Wayne Gacey.

Erin

Now, I liked this photo but as everyone pointed out - she most likely lucked into this one. And considering that Erin is one of the most boring people on earth, I'm interested in seeing what she does next week.

LuLu

It's a weeeeee bit sexy but still very fashion. She straddled the line nicely.

Brittany

Le sigh...

Bianca

The pose is pretty 101 and it's pretty clear that she wasn't putting any effort into the shoot since she didn't get what she wanted in make up and wardrobe.

Rachel

This is the closest that I have ever seen to a real magazine shot. It sells the clothes and merch but still screams fashion. Except for the Wanking Claw.

Laura

She seems like such a nice girl and I think that comes across in this picture. It's lovely but not the best in the world. But she could get better.

Kara

It's OK. There's nothing wrong with it, just like there's nothing right with it.

Ashley

Of course, she looks like Tyra in the face. While she comes off a little stiff, this is still a great photo.

Jennifer

Oh Jennifer...how do I love you! Mr. J seemed a little hesitant when she asked to play in the sand, but once she got dirrrty, he looooved it. A bit much on the nostrils but still a fab photo.

Nicole

THIS is my favorite photo. How ever weird she is, how ever much the other girls want to vilify her - I don't care. I. Don't. Care. This is a great picture.

Courtney

You will get no argument from me: this is a stunning photo. But it looks like an actress that's modeling. So I'm not sure what's going to happen next week.

Rae

What a lovely and angelic photo. She looks like the "Childlike Empress."

Before the girls go to their first panel they are alerted to the fact that it still exists by a Box of Death. It actually looks like a mini-Pirate's chest with a skull on top. Inside is the usual note about someone going home. Maybe Tyra doesn't want to be associated with someone being sent home anymore?

Panel

Tyra looks pretty nice!

As promised the fourth seat on the panel would be left open to a Guest Judge every week. This time we were treated to Chanel Iman

I like her!

The judges and I agreed on pretty much everything.

Rachel - took a good picture except for the claw.

Ashley- looked great.

Brittany - was OK.

Jennifer- took a great photo.

Kara - looks good only in profile.

Rae - had the loveliest photo of the bunch.

Sundai - was not very good.

Lisa- was not very good.

Nicole - looked amazing.

Laura - did a great job and looked lovely.

Bianca - clearly had a problem; while the pose was OK, her face was terrible.

(What super pissed me off is that she affected an embarrassed attitude because she was "caught." You're on a reality TV show where cameras and people follow you 24/7 you dumbass)

Erin - looked good.

LuLu - took a very nice photo.

Courtney - looked lovely and took a great photo.

Unfortunately, not everyone can be winners. As the names keep getting called Bianca becomes more and more confused as to why she isn't called early. I guess Tyra's verbal bitch-slap about fixing her attitude didn't sink in like she thought it would...And poor Sundai. I thought she was going to melt into the floor like Amelie - even Tyra noticed it!

Death Match: Lisa vs. Bianca

Lisa: has "potential" but her photo wasn't good and her personality seemed non-existent. In fact, Lisa didn't seem to care about being brought back, given a make over, and set up in a professional photo shoot.

Bianca: had a pretty good photo but has personality in spades - except it's a super shitty one. So, since the make over wasn't good enough, the make up wasn't good enough and the costume wasn't good enough you'd think that Bianca could care less about staying in this dog and pony show.

Loser: Lisa

I guess we are going to find out if this was the right decision. None of the other girls thought it was (me neither) but the show needs it's drama and they already have one lame duck (Nicole) but that one can model.

Next week: the girls pose with horses. And two are sent walking.