ANTM - Whatever ...

I forgot to record the episode (!) so it cut in about 3 minutes into the show. We probably didn't miss anything. To recap what happened previously: everyone is an asshole.

The girls come home to Alexandria's photo displayed as digital art. She's still a little surprised about the whole thing since she got called out for being a little bitch on set. I had to double-check this, but my short lived theory on Alexandria being even more bonkers was wrong. There was a girl who worried that the judges wouldn't understand her, which I thought meant that in her mind she thought she was awesome but in reality was a dick head. Turns out it was Dalya that had this concern. Well, she's got her own problems, so whatever.
Like any good psycho, she acknowledges that Tyra recognized an attitude in her and wants to correct that. Not because she realizes that she's an asshole but because she doesn't want to "come off that way." Ugh.
Some of the girls convene at the dinning room table to bitch about Alex's top photo. Kasia claims that "top models" don't have attitudes like that. OK, everybody, let's all google search Naomi Campbell! Ugh.
Now it's time to listen to Sarah bitch about being in the bottom two. She calls herself a "creeper", which is probably why she has such low self esteem. Yo, girl. Turn that frown upside down. She also notes that she's a feminist and from a poor background. We get a shot of Monique giving someone that we are led to believe is Sarah, the side-eye. Sarah continues to lament that she doesn't think she's fem enough - all the while wearing an outfit straight ("straight") out of Sporty Spice's closet. Girl, please.
Everyone is gathered in a bedroom and chats about what's more important: modeling or college? Sarah claims that she's going to "hit the ground running" after this competition. She wants to go to school. This gets a bitchface from Alex, who couldn't possibly conceive of the idea of going to a learning institution that might make you a better person and a productive member of society. She hollers out that she's going to New York no matter what. This makes Sarah bristle and she points out that this competition was a hope and a dream - not a sure thing. Which is true. In a one-on-one, Sarah complains that Alex is questioning her passion for modeling. Yo, weren't you just doing the same fucking thing?
Whatever, these people are dumb. Though I don't blame Alex for not wanting to go back to Orange County. That place blows.

TYRA MAIL!
"If you don't watch your step, you career will go up in flames" - Love, Tyra
Jayla thinks they are going to a fire station. She and I would love to see the fire men. But, no. In some warehouse Ms. Jay tells them they will be doing runway - that's on fire. Monique thinks it's "so crazy." Shut up. Now, the fun part: the girls will be on fire! Oh, just the palms of their hands? Dumb.
In hair and make up, Molly is relieved that the fucked up weave is taken out. Hannah is a little worried that the hairspray in her hair will make her catch on fire. And Alex is scared. I'm rolling my eyes. Let's just get this over with.
First up is Alex. She says "yes, sir" to the safety guy. OK, we get it, you don't want to sound like an asshole. But now you sound like Rain Man. I hated her on the runway but Ms. Jay was fine with it all. Brittani, up next, looooves fire. And making some really dramatic Gloria Swanson poses on the runway. Stop it. Mikaela is up and barely interesting - same for Jaclyn. Molly, sans shitty weave, claims that she was a pyromaniac as a kid so she's not worried. OK ... Sarah has trouble getting her palms to light on fire - OF COURSE. Jesus Chris. Kasia has the worst walk that Ms. Jay thinks is too sexy. I say, too barfy. Hannah and Monique are so dull they get a split screen. Dalya, the runway veteran, is ... fine? I don't know. She seemed really slow and half asleep. Plus, I hate listening to her now - she always sounds like she's about to cry. Though you can't blame her in that house.
Dalya, predictably, wins. She's happy for someone who is sleep walking. And she gets two dresses from the line. Then Ms. Jay tells the bottom three girls to walk home. Which is HILARIOUS. I catch a sign that says Little Tokyo, which is a decent area - not great but not terrible. They think it's the worst. Anyway, they bust out their heels and and practice walking home.

TYRA MAIL!
"Tomorrow it's OK for you to cause a scene" - Love, Tyra.
Somewhere, Alex just made a Grinch smile. Monique doesn't get it. Yeah, big surprise. Molly, astutely suggests that they will be acting. Then the scripts appear at the door. It's for coffee and the challenge is to make the coffee sexy. Everyone tries their best sexy act and all of them are either gross or super awkward. Sarah is freaking out about being a feminist and portraying a dumb bitch that wants to hump her morning cup 'o joe. UGH.
The girls show up at a sound stage and a greeted by Mr. J. He explains that the look of the commercial is retro, which is very current in fashion today. Their director is a fashion photographer/director that is super cute but who's Italian name I can't bother to remember. Still: very cure.
They all get some 50's-60's styling and they all look great. Sarah is already freaking out which is so unnerving to watch. Jaclyn comes to the rescue by crowing over her fake booty that she is delighted with. Mr. J starts to coach them on the whole Mad Men mentality that's going to be the under current to the commercial. It's stupid but it's fun and the girls seems to get that. Except Sarah, who, again, needs to bitch about how totally not feminist this all is. Like, get out of town you Debbie Downer.

Let's get things started with Brittani and Alex. B is not excited about this. The delivery is stilted until it gets too sexy. Then B (I know, I know, I'm too lazy to even type out her whole name) starts to just suck majorly. She doesn't like acting or coffee or whatever and Mr. J calls her out on it. This makes B cry which makes Alex blow on her wet face to dry it. Which makes Alex jump in and take over the whole set. As a person who has worked on film sets, I can tell you this is a no-no. It's such an asshole move.
Now we have Kasia and Jaclyn. It's not bad! They seem to get the vibe and deliver a great performance.
Next is Dalya and Molly. I think Dalya is clinically dead at this point. But I almost have a heart attack when I spy Molly, who looks so much like Betty Draper in her costume!
Monique fucks up her line and says "French roast" instead of "Fierce Roast" (which is the dumb ass name they gave this shit) and when it's pointed out to her, she snips "I drink French roast." No on asked you what you drink. Just make a joke of it and move on. Don't be such a dick. Anyway, Hannah is cute.
Now it's up to Sarah and Mikaela to fuck everything up as much as possible. First, Mikaela's hand shakes like you wouldn't believe and the director yells at her. Then Sarah bumbles her way through the whole thing. It's a train wreck.

The Tyra Mail of Death reminds them that tomorrow, someone is going home.
Most of the girls whine about the day and how they are not actors but models. Even though Mr. J JUST SAID they need to be able to do commercials to sell products.
Behind the scenes everyone says hi and gets to business. Prizes! Judges!
Up first: Monique and Hannah. First of all, Monique makes me uncomfortable. It's a cute idea but it just really makes me feel like I need a shower. Of course, Nigel loves it. What a big perv. It was OK but not enough.
Next: Jaclyn and Kasia. This one is much better and it's because Kasia hams it up. Jaclyn brings up her fake booty which gets laughs.
Now it;s time for Alex and Brittani. Yuck. Not a fan. And neither was Nigel. And neither was ALT. And neither was our hot little Italian, who busts her for being a dick head. She tries to skirt the blame by saying she was just trying to keep the chemistry going but he stops that shit and talks about her nonsense on set.
Next: Sarah and Mikaela. Ugh. No thanks. Do not want. Everyone blames Sarah for sucking.
Finally, Dalya and Molly, who is back in a weave. Bummer. Dude, Dalya's eyes are just so fucking dead. But all the guys can talk about is how her movements are no good. None of it was! Barf.
Double-barf: Tyra's baby voice.

The judges have deliberated and decided who goes home. Tyra hands out screen grabs.
Best commercial? Kasia! Then it's Hannah, Jaclyn and her fake booty, Dalya, Monique, Molly, Mikaela and Brittani.
Down to Sarah and Alex? Whatever, we know who's going to stay. Though I do love that Tyra warns Alex about being a dick head and that this will be the last time she warns her about this. Of course, no one is happy about this besides the producers. Anyway, bye Sarah, I've already forgotten you.

Next week: A Cover Girl commercial. Already? Aaaaand Alex is an asshole. Again.

ANTMAKEOVERS!

This is the much anticipated Make Over Episode. And it is a disappointment. Sorry to say that upfront, but it's totally the truth. But there is much Assholery, so at least we've got that!

We are reminded that Alex has been established as the Asshole of the house. Ondrei leaves because she didn't realize having two recent deaths in the family was too much to handle before joining the show. Aaaand ... that's it (?). Jesus, this show is really grasping at straws.

When the girls get home from panel, everyone takes a look at Hannah's digital art. She's so excited she puts her hair in her mouth. But before she can really enjoy this pointless moment, everyone notices a large ... thing on the window. A rope hangs from it with a tag attached that instructs them to "Pull Me." They run forward and squeal but hesitate to pull. Someone (Monique, I think?) finally works up the courage. The rope falls and a large sheet unravels - on it are a bunch of descriptions of hair. It's their make overs! Everyone screams their approval.
Alex hollers "short Dutch Boy" a few times. That should be your new ring tone. Sarah, in a sad sack one-on-one, states that she's pretty sure she's getting the "manly short brown spikes." She understands that she looks androgynous but she'd really like the option of looking feminine - give her a weave, or some extensions! Bitch, you're the one that showed up with a butch cut and a Rat Tail.
Dom worries about her confidence and hopes that a new look will help bolster it. Monique doesn't want a hair cut - she likes her hair the way it is; btw, this idiot is in second place for House Asshole. Jaclyn is revolted by the idea of blond hair - and who can blame her, it would look terrible. Brittani really, really, really wants the red hair.
Dalya and Molly talk about being in the bottom three. Wasn't Molly the first one called the first week?! I refuse to check on that. But she's competitive, so she's gonna bring it! Dalya just kinda sits there - way to go.

The next day everyone goes to a salon and are greeted by the J's. As usual, the girls will be treated to their make overs by someone that is light years beyond this show and they should be so lucky. And afterwards will be a photo shoot - it's for the screen shot of everyone at the end of the episode, when the loser fades away. As great as all this is, the girls are visibly nervous.
Brittani gets the Dutch Boy hair cut, with black coloring. First of all: FIERCE. Second of all, she takes it in stride. The girl has long brown hair, so this is quite a change for her; but she points out that everyone here is a professional and does this for a living, so she's fine in their hands. GOOD GIRL.
Jaclyn hardly gets a make over: big, girly and curly. Lame. But then Miss J comes up and is like "you know, there's a razor waiting for you back there" (where ever back there is) and Jaclyn is freaked out. But she takes it in stride and is all "OK" but then Miss J yells "PSYCH" and all is well. Oh, you!
Monique get more hair (add a few gentle waves). Oof. This fucking girl. "Yeay, I get my way! I always get my way." Does your way ever include me smacking you in the god damned mouth? She's so gross - the more of her I see, the more she looks like Megan Fox to me. And she's kinda sounding like a stoned version of her too.
Sarah watches, dead eyed, as they snip off her Rat Tail. Thank you, Baby Jesus. She asks if "you want to lick it." If there was ever something I didn't want to lick, that would be it. Predictably, she's getting the manly short brown spikes. Though she was holding out hope for the weave. But she keeps a stiff upper lip and explains that she gets it and will work it.
Ah, Alexandria ... she gets her roots touched up, which is good. And some hair is added. Now, I agree with her when she points out that it's looking a little shitty. There are some flat pieces and there are some squished pieces. But the way she went about bringing this to the weavologists (is that a word?) attention was downright nasty. She had that "I just smelled dookie" look on her face the entire time she was explaining the problem. There wasn't much wrong with what she was saying - it was the way she said it. Huh, where have we heard that before? Anyway, it's great that she stood up and said something but it's sucky that she started crying. Because there's no crying in modeling, OK? Everyone rolls their eyes at her and does their best to ignore how bullshitty the whole thing is.
Dom is getting kinky red hair with matching eyebrows. To her credit, she's game when she sits down, even when she sees the nasty color and extensions sitting next to her. But once that color goes in, she loses it. Can't blame a girl. Mr. Jay chastises her for trying to control everything, which, really? Isn't that their go-to argument for everything? Either way, she deals with it.
Molly is getting a blond curly weave and within seconds we can tell something is really wrong. First off, Molly's hair is really fine and lays flat on her head, so it's harder to do this kind of thing with (great idea, Tyra!). Second of all, the stuff their sewing to her head looks like shit. Is that yarn? And third of all, they can't even get the net to hold on her head, so they create a basket weave on her head - which they sew the net to - which is what the actual weave is sewn to. (......) It just keeps getting worse and the owner of the salon comes over to look at. He is pretty pissed and notes that it's really shitty and he doesn't want his name on it.
Mikela gets another non-make over with long black extentions. They spend almost zero time on her, which doesn't bode well.
Kasia gets wild crazy crimped hair. She loves this since she's also wild and crazy! Is she also crimped? They spend a little more time on her, but that's probably because she's the fatty.
Dalya is also getting a weave, but this one actually looks good. "Long, black and straight" is her look. Basically, the Naomi. Another nano interview.
Hannah got some highlights and lightened eyebrows (officially "dirty blonde and big waves"), it looks good on her but it's hardly a change.
Back to Molly! The owner really gives it a try and makes the best of it. Mr. J tries to sell her on what has clearly been a disaster, reminding her that Tyra wanted her to have this look. Well, Tyra is the King of the Assholes, so big whoop.

On the way home Molly is simmering. She is really pissed off. To her credit, she doesn't really take it out on anyone but just bitches about it. Alex, belatedly, tells her that she should have followed suit and stood up when she realized something was wrong. Thanks for the advice! Eventually everyone, even Molly, kinda laughs about it. As long as she sticks around, it'll get fixed, which is why no one really seems to care.
TYRA MAIL! "Tomorrow, you will learn all about photosynthesis."
Yes, these bitches could stand to go back to the 5th grade. Sarah thinks they will be dressed as flowers, which is cute. But then she mopes about the hair cut. Her reasoning is fairly sound: she's surrounded by beautiful femmy-looking gals. It's intimidating. Deal with it.

The girls arrive at some ranch and are surrounded by beautiful flowers and plants .... so, photosynthesis? Some famous fashion photographer and stylist are there and the girls kinda stand around not knowing who they are, though Monique claims to be excited in a one-on-one. Anyway, turns out everyone will be in coture but they will also be paired up for the shoot. (Sad Trombone)
First up is Molly and Kashia. I like Molly's outfit, though Kasia's is kinda too fluffy for me. It starts out a little weird but they warm up.
Back in hair and make up, Alex is being tended to. The hair dude is trying to be gentle with her because she claims her hair/scalp is sensitive. So sensitive she does the limp noodle when he tries to brush out her hair. I'm getting Melrose flashbacks. Anyone else getting Melrose flashbacks? Bitch was a DIVA right off the bat and-oh shit. Ohshitohshitohshit. Is Alex just another Melrose?! Come on ANTM!
Anyway. She gets soooo "stressed out" that a pimple pops up on her lip. Outside, Alex and Monique sit awkwardly, waiting for the photographer. I love that they stick these two dipsits together. And, I must wonder: what's it like to go through life being such an asshole? The photographer notices this and takes note. Poor Monique has no way to handle this and it ends up effecting her performance - Alex is just fine, of course. Mr. J notes that when Monique doesn't get her way she pouts "pooh-pooh!", which is true; normally I'd try to stick up for her and remind that it's kind of Alex's fault but, whatever, Monique sucks.
Next up is Sarah and Mikaela and they are in some uuuugly looking clothes. The girls are best buds for life, which should make this easier. Except both are morons and Mikaela can't keep her eyes open.
Brittani and Hannah are having trouble making it believable, which frustrates Brittani.
The last group is Jaclyn, Dalya and Dom. And I agree that Dom is not in it to win it. When Mr. J asks what she's thinking, she says that she has no thoughts. Oh, come on. Have you ever watched this show before?! Never say that. She needs inspiration! Dom interviews (in a ridiculous outfit) that she's inspired by a lot of stuff! Like ... (shrug). Methinks we have another Anne on our hands. Fuuuuuu ...

Tyra Mail of Death reminds the girls that tomorrow is panel. Sarah is nervous. Monique is frustrated that they didn't get any positive feedback - you are? Alex doesn't care either way because she knows she did a great job and was the one psyching out Monique, not the other way around. Molly, comically, bitches some more about her hair, which sends Alex into fits of laughter. Which scares the other girls. You can't blame them because bitch is scarrrrrrry.
(Amazing moment in life: Alex reads a book called "God Calling" with the most "the fuck is this shit?" look on her face)

Pre-panel footage is boring. There are judges and prizes.
Let's start with Monique and Alex. Tyra asks how it went and they awkwardly say it went well. The photo is pretty good. Monique is odd but good looking. Alex looks better though but the photographer calls her out for being a shit head.
Next is Brittani and Hannah. Tyra love Brittani's make over. The photo is awesome. And Tyra likes that they were working together; though that's not really the challenge, right? One girl was supposed to stand out, yeah?
Then it's the threesome of Dalya, Jaclyn and Dom. They all like Dalya and Jaclyn but everyone thinks that Dom is kind of a sore thumb. The panel tries to pump her up, which is nice.
Mikaela and Sarah are next and it's shitty. Mikaela's eyes are closed and Sarah looks blank. Barf.
Finally we have Kasia and Molly. She shows off her horrible weave and Tyra agrees that it needs tending. Luckily, she looks great in the photo, so she will be getting the work. Kasia looks good, though Nigel thinks her mouth is too dark inside (?).

Best photo goes to ... Alexandria! Alright! Way to reward the Assholes!
Then we have Molly, Brittani, Kasia, Jaclyn, Hannah, Monique, Dalya, Mikaela.
It's Sarah vs. Dom!
So ... both are beautiful girls. But they are also both "quirky." Sarah has potential but lacks confidence. Dom is interesting but can't seem to make it.
Sarah stays.
Bye, Dom. I really liked you! She promises that she's going to hit up every modeling agency but Tyra warns that she needs to practice a little more first.

Next Week: FIRE. And a coffee commercial.

ANTM - Episode BEES!

I had to tear myself away from watching the news footage of Japan right now. Those guys got ROCKED by an 8.8 level earthquake and even though there's shit on fire and shit under water, those cats are just doing their thing. Not only are people just going about their day, they are doing it during after shocks and all the other shenanigans that are going on. And you have to remember that these folks are in a "ring of fire" of earthquakes, so they know what's up; a lot of the buildings are reinforced and they all have wicked emergency plans in case of terrible everything. So, yeah, go ahead with your tentacle rape and used panty vending machines - you people earned 'em. LIKE A BOSS.

Last week we were introduced to all the girls. There wasn't much of a photo shoot but there was a wicked awesome walking challenge! Angelia was sent home because Tyra just knew that girl bothered me. Later! Now, let's see what's in store for us this week ...

The girls come home to Molly's digital art. She's the adopted one. Wait, there was an adopted one? Alexandria tries to give Nicole a pep talk about not looking like a Debbie Downer during panel. Well, you can't blame the girl: this is the same bitch that Tyra said looked like an old hag in her photos. Who wants to hear that? And in typical Alexandria fashion, she's an asshole about it. Anyway, Nicole is a perfectionist so she's going to work on looking more youthful this week. OK, whatever.
Dominique and Ondrei chillax on the couch with some pizza and beverages. It's what Dom has been waiting for all day. She strikes up a conversation with Ondrei asking if she has any brothers and sisters. Why, yes! She does-ish! Two brothers! And they're dead! The look on Dom's face says it all ("the fuck you taking about?"). One was in a car accident and the other was murdered. That's ... terrible. And both died just before her prom. Which was only a few months ago. WHAT.
Everyone listening is kinda surprised that she's even in the competition. Bitches are just jealous! Ondrei is fierce looking and they know it. That's terrible. I'll shut up now. Dayla wonders what dealing with that would even be like; she's really close with her family and she still lives at home with them. Being away from them is hard but has made her a more independent person. No, duh. That's kind of what happens when you move away from your folks and do shit by yourself.

The next day everyone is lounging around the house as Dom shows them her "model diet": Cup o' Noodles, chips, other garbage that I can't believe she eats and is that skinny anyway. What a perfect opportunity for Tyra and some tiny white lady to show up dressed like assholes, in chef's hats. Tyra is the Swedish Chef.

Except, this time, she's using a terrible French accent. She stumble through her super easy teach about how she's brought a nutritionist with her to show the girls how to eat healthy. There's a less than enthused "oh!" from the group. So, there's all sorts of foods that everyone just totally knows are bad for you (everything that tastes awesome) but there are some things that may seem bad but, in moderation, can be a great meal for you. Ugh. OK. It's common sense. Just don't eat a lot of garbage. The nutritionist calls these things "cheaties." I call them "dumb."
Let's see how obvious this is going to be, shall we? What's better: spaghetti and meatballs or Eggplant Parmesan? It's the spaghetti. You know why? BECAUSE EGGPLANT PARMESAN IS FRIED. Also, eggplant is kinda porous, so it will soak up the oil AND, OH, YEAH - IT'S FRIED. With spaghetti and meatballs, you get some red sauce and a little protein - which gives you a shiny coat!
How about: wheat bagel with cream cheese or wheat waffle with peanut butter? I guess it's kind of a tough one except that we know bagels are never a good choice. Dude, it's NEVER bagels. Besides, the waffle is wheat and peanut butter also has protein and it's got the good fat. Plus, it's a lot more filling, so you won't be scrounging for something in an hour or so.
Apparently there were a million other dishes the tiny white lady showed the girls but we were not privileged to. Whatever. Like I wanted to actually learn something about healthy and delicious eating.
In the kitchen, later that day, Monique and Jaclyn decide to make a "celebration feast." But the fiesta is cut short when they stumble upon some raw chicken marinating in BBQ sauce. Oh, yeah, it's in a plastic bowl with foil loosely covering it. NASTY. Seriously, how stupid are you that you do that? Alexandria wanders in and eyeballs the chicken. It's hers. She doesn't say it, but it's hers. Come on! She eyeballs it and says "this was supposed to be in the fridge" but it's kind of hard to hear a question mark at the end of that statement. I think she meant to put one there but, clearly, is too dumb to remember to do that. Either way: he who smelt it, dealt it. And she looks like a nasty bitch, so you know she wouldn't have considered the health problems associated with raw chicken just chilling out in the open.
Dalya, who is, like, 25 (or whatever) and thinks she needs to be the mom here, says to everyone in general that "if you're not going to eat it, right away, it needs to be put in a freezer bag and p-" then she gets cut off by Alexandria who has a problem with other people talking, in general. "Um, please don't talk to me like that. I don't need a lesson about chicken! I know about chicken!" Then do it right, you dumb bitch. You know, my ex did that: start a pissy little sentence with "um" whenever he wanted to throw a tantrum. And really, Dalya was talking to everyone - not just Alexandria. Which is another reason why I think (know) it was her chicken. They keep bickering with each other while all the other girls just stand around, looking wicked uncomfortable. I think Alexandria thought some of the girls were going to join in and start screaming with her (obviously she's watched the show), so it just kind of fizzles out when they don't.
In a one-on-one, Dalya explains that she doesn't like confrontations. She says this in a shaky voice. I'm sorry Dalya, but you are not going to last on this show for very long. Anyway, Alexandria keeps harping on the subject and Monique points out that all Dalya did was just show her the chicken. According to Alexandria, it's the way she did it that annoyed her. Alexandria? It's the way you do everything that annoys me. Whatever, I'm over it now. NEXT!
Also, this is Alexandria:

(hey, at least she gets to be the Charlize Theron version!)

TYRA MAIL!!!
"Tomorrow you will face your worst critic" Love, Tyra.
The girls are greeted by Nigel at some theater - there are theaters in LA? Acting is really super important in modeling because you have to act to sell a product to the consumer. OK ... A creepy looking acting coach appears and tells them they will be facing their Inner Critic today. In an acting challenge? The girls get to draw their inner critic so they can cry and yell at it. WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING. Other than getting me to laugh at these girls. Nigel thinks that by making the girls cry and talk about some really uncomfortable things, they will let down their walls and expose themselves so they will have more intimate photo shoots. Nigel is a fucking perv.
First up is Molly. Her Inner Critic gets her crying right away. The Inner Critic tells her that her mother gave her away (adopted, remember? Me neither ...) because she wanted to (well, duh). And that's it. Then there's Nicole, who's Inner Critic tells her she's not good enough for anything but Nicole thinks she is! You go girl! Oh, christ. It's Jaclyn. I'm sorry. I can't take her seriously. Moving on. Then it's Ondrei's turn and she just looses it. I think she's starting to realize that having both brothers killed so recently is pretty freaking heavy and she might need to take a little more time to process it.
For crying and telling secrets, the girls get JEWELRY! It makes everything better.
Back at the house, Ondrei gets serious and starts to think about whether or not if she should be there. She calls her boyfriend and he tells her that, no matter what, her family is 100% behind her. Sounds like a good guy, Ondrei!

The next day the girls get ready for their photo shoot. Alex (I don't like her enough to give her a nickname but I am so done with typing out Alexandria) manages to stab herself in the eye while putting on make up. I wonder what it's like to go through life with Karma spitting in your face every single moment of the day? They get bussed to Smashbox where Mr. Jay waits for them.
The photo shoot is ... dumb. WHAT. IS. THIS. The girls will wear jewelry that has pheromones to attract the bees. None of this makes sense. The make up is weird, too. Jaclyn is allergic to bees - awesome! Did she tell someone? I hope not. So, everyone gets cotton stuffed into their ears and nose so none of the bugs crawl in there. The mouth? You're on your own sisters!
For the most part, it's kind of a 50/50 situation. Most of the girls seemed to realize they had to suck it up because the bees weren't going anywhere. In an annoying bid for airtime, Monique bitches about Hanna crying. Honey, she's crying because Jay asked her to talk about all the shit she cried about yesterday - so, no duh. And it didn't effect her performance because she still modeled and busted it out. So, no, she's not "pathetic." You are. NEXT.
Back at home, Ondrei decides that she does, in fact, want to go home. Monique gets one my nerves, further: in a one-on-one, she claims that Ondrei should have known better than to join the show. Bitch. Shut. Up. Let's run over of your brothers over with a car crash and murder the other one. How logical and straight thinking do you think you'll be? You are the worst.

Back Stage Tyra flits around getting ready for panel. Something about getting dressed because she's been on a plane or will be on a plane. I'm done. Stick a fork in her. Prizes, judges, Alek Wek is the guest judge today. She's looooovely!
And now it's time for my heart to break. Ondrei, looking like a million bucks, tells the judges that she can't be here right now. I don't think Tyra is happy with it but she seems to know that you can't scream at a girl who just had two siblings killed. Ondrei leaves but her picture stays in the competition; her photo will be judged and if it's the worst, then no one will go home. But that's not going to happen because that never happens. God damnit.
Kasia has a lovely photo. Mikaela looks good in person and has a solid photo - her eyes are a little dead. Dom has a lovely photo but it's only one of the few good ones. Brittni has an odd looking but awesome photo. Jaclyn has an awesome profile but her hands looks fucking weird. Dalya's photo is interesting but only because her eyes are closed; turns out she's got crazy eyes. Alex cribs a Jim Morrison arms out pose and it's pretty good. Sarah is bland in her photo but cute in person. Molly's photo is great though Nigel thinks it's bland. Nicole's turn! Buhhhh ... she looks old. You know, she's not that great and she looks old in person. NEXT. Hannah's got the best photo and I love it and I want to marry it. Finally, Monique: it's a great photo and it gives ATL a stroke. He jabbers on about Shanghi and being in Shanghi and ohmygodjuststop. Even Tyra was looking at him like "Whuuuuut?" Apparently Monique looks like Shalome Harlow? All I see is a fat Megan Fox.

Trya's teasing us! How many photos does she have! We shall find out ... but first, the photos.
Hannah is called first. So stuff it, Monique.
It's down to Nicole and Dalya. They are both beautiful but Nicole photographs old. Dalya is inconsistent. What about Ondrei's photo? It's not the worst. Oof. So, Nicole goes home. Bye bye, grandma!

Next Week: MAKEOVERS

ANTM - It begins!

Just in case you thought Tyra didn't have any new tricks up her sleeves, she's here to prove you wrong! Well, it's the same tired shit, just in a different way. And would we have it any other way? I don't know. As I mentioned before, there may come a time when I grow weary of ANTM and Tyra and covering the show. You've seen me lose interest and quit mid-season before; so, who's to say I won't just stop all together? The problem with reality shows is that they have become our new form of entertainment. It's gone so far now, that some of these shows are even becoming scripted.
In my opinion, ANTM peaked with Cycle 6. Where do you go once you've introduced Jade to the world? Down. That's where you go. And, as nature insists, you should be able to work your way back up once you've hit rock bottom. But I don't think ANTM has made it that far - yet. It's going to happen but I just have no idea when. The small changes Tyra and her team of minions have made to the shows format indicate they know the show is getting stale - especially when they refuse to be in on the joke (none of these poor girls ever make it and to insist that you finally have "high fashion" cred now is a little embarrassing).
Whatever the future holds for ANTM (and by extension: fame-hungry, skinny, unwed mothers) has yet to be seen, so in the meantime let's try to make the best of a shaky situation and laugh directly at everything we see (because we sure as shit ain't laughing with any of these idiots)!

TYRA TYRA TYRA
Is how this Cycle begins. Tyra is sort of like that snake eating it's own tail, right? A never-ending circle of hopelessness. Or Cthulhu. I'm still not sure. Anyway. She bids us to sit a spell and listen as she explains the changes she's made to the show. You all have come to expect meeting a slew of mentally-deficient (and malnourished) (and disillusioned) young girls screaming for a chance at fame. They tearfully tell their stories to the camera and a panel of Tyra, Ms. J and Mr. Jay.
We laugh.
NOT THIS CYCLE.
Tyra illustrates the idiots that we usually see: a bubbly blond dressed sort of like a cartoon version of Paris Hilton (which: same thing?), screaming about wanting to be America's Next Top Model! A a loud-mouthed black chick, which, if I may pause for a second? Tyra, you see this too - right? I mean, you chose these girls and let them stand in front of the cameras or even put them on the show. So you know what's happening. Are you making fun of them? I'm going to say: that's racist. Tyra was racist with Danni (in Cycle 6!), with all that talk about Danni's accent. And now she's picking on a stereotype that, yes, exists - but shouldn't be glorified BY PUTTING THEM ON HER SHOW AND GIVING THEM AIR TIME. Ugh. And finally ... what the fuck is this? A ... goth chick? Maybe? What's happening? Am I being Punk'd? I think I forgot to mention that Tyra (of course) is dressed as all these girls and is the one acting out their personalities. So we get to see Tyra dressed in something that would be 75% off at Hot Topic screaming and mugging for the camera. I guess she's talking about all the artsy-fartsy types that have come and gone on ANTM - but there have never been any girls like this. What show is she watching? Then she wags her tongue at the camera and my vagina turns to sand.
All of this is to say: Tyra is "throwing casting week out the window!" BULLSHIT. The final 14 will move into their new digs within the first 10 minutes of the show, which only means we get to watch more of their garbage and, hopefully (not hopefully) get to know them a little better/quicker. Fine. FINE TYRA.
Now, here's the Same Old Shit part. Instead of just announcing this to the girls and acting like a normal human being. Tyra decides to Punk the girls (oh, well, at least someone is getting Punk'd - is that show even still on?) by concocting this whole elaborate ... thing. She's going to tell the 14 finalists that they are out of the competition? Even though they are in the competition? Cue footage of mildly attractive girls crying!
Why all this Tom-foolery?! Tyra claims they felt it was time to get real. I've been screaming that phrase at my TV for several years now, Ty-Ty. She kind of has a point though: in modeling, you're more likely to get rejected than signed or highered right off the bat. Hell, even Tyra was turned down by 6 different agency's before she was signed. So: OK.
Cue more footage of girls crying: one chick starts to have a panic attack! Another has the squeakiest voice on earth - seriously, Minnie Mouse is like "Bitch stole my voice!"! We also get to meet the House Asshole.

Cut to LAX, where all the girls are getting dropped off. On the airport runway, The J's evaluate the girls' walk. Tyra only points out the girls that are going through to the show. I need to take a moment here - one of the girls is a plus-size model and she's pretty enough, but her walk is SHIT. We all know that plus-size girls on this show are, like, a size 8? Right? And this chick is no different. But she walks like a fat girl. I know that sounds really harsh - but I'm a big girl and I've been bigger, so I know a Fat Girl Walk when I see one. Tsk, tsk. Then they start taking photos. We meet a goofy-looking girl with a RAT TAIL.
Everyone is ushered to a roof top after meeting and screaming with Tyra. Behind the scenes, Tyra and Co. chose their Final 14, which are:
Freckle-faced Dominique (who I said was gross. Sorry, Dom but the photo the CW put up was not flattering.)
Fiercely Real Kasia (the plus-size girl. Around the time I got to discussing her photo, I was so sick of it all.)
Petite Ondrei (I actually liked her! And I still do!)
Feisty Blond Alexandria (there wasn't much observation made about her except my hope that she would be a bitch - looks like dreams can come true!)
Sexy Mama Monique (I noted that one of her favorite hobbies is bubble baths - and I stand by that.)
Elegant Nicole (I had noted that she looked a little like Molly Sims but that was probably just the make up.)
Quirky Sarah (what I like about this chick is that she lives up to her expectations: I thought she looked a bit retarded and I think that may just be the case.)
Hippie Hannah (there is no love for hippies in my house, so if this holds true I hope she gets kicked off right away.)
Golden-haired Molly ("golden-haired"? That's all you've got? "She's blond, folks!" Tyra has a way with words.)
Baby-face Jaclyn (in my original post, I noted that she looked a little like Rachel Bilson - which is great. But now I know that it's all make up and hair. This bitch is ANNOYING.)
Brittani from the Block (oh yeah?)
Regal Dalya (basically, Tyra is running out of things to say and she had to describe the level-headed and attractive black girl. Regal it is!)
Edgy Mikaela (not sure about edgy. I mean, I was getting fed up by the time I got her photo anyway.)
Sassy Angelia (but she looks so freaking bland! OK, maybe not totally vanilla. But at least Tahitian Vanilla?)

The J's come out, screaming. OK, well, it was only Ms. J but, still. Now the girls scream. EVERYBODY! They hand all the girls envelopes and Mr. Jay drops the bomb on them. WITH A TWIST. Of lime? No. I have all the lime because I'm going to need it for all the gin I have that I need to put in me so I can get through this. He tells them that Tyra has already decided who will stay and who will go - and they will know by opening those envelopes. If your picture is in there, you stay. If it's blank, you go. Cue the girls tearing into the envelopes and the screaming. (I LOVE the stock footage of some one's hand opening an envelope and looking at a photo - did we need that? No. And by no, I mean: yes.)
Brittani says to the camera that she has nothing now. Well, you know? You are on a roof top and you are standing right by a ledge. Want to make TV history? I kid, I kid! Alexandria takes it well. Nicole is bummed, as is Monique. Jaclyn squeaks to a few girls.

The girls are taken to a room to collect their luggage. Tyra comes in and talks to the girls about rejection. And then reveals that she's a mean person by telling them (screaming at them) they are home! A curtain drops and reveals their swanky new digs! As usual - it's awesome. CUE THE SCREAMING. Dalya falls down and Tyra struggles to help her up. Sarah cries till she's red in the face. And Tyra mugs for the camera. Even when she's not in the room, she mugs for the camera: since this is Cycle 16, there are photos of her all over the house when she was 16 ... yuck.
Anyway. Everyone starts unpacking and dancing and acting the fool(s). Brittani, taking more screen time than I'd prefer, tells us she lives in trailer park. Dominique calls a house meeting. She explains that if you have a little ceramic elephant in your hand, you have the floor. OK, granted, she's a little sassy when she says it (which is so wrong because Angelia is the sassy one - Dom, you are simply freckle-faced) but there's no reason for Alexandria to jump in and out-asshole her from the get-go. Not sure if there was anything else they discussed during this meeting, but all we hear about is the lack of sufficient beds. Two people don't have beds! Two!

That same night the girls get Tyra Mail. "Let's get the ball rolling! Love, Tyra!" Will they be modeling bowling shoes? Or just going to a bowling alley? Oh! Maybe they are going to a ball! But those are the only things that could happen - nothing else. Nope. That's it!

The next day everyone gets bussed to a gorgeous house in Malibu. They are greeted by Mr. Jay and Erin Wasson. She's a model, stylist and jewelry designer. Mr. Jay announces they will be doing a runway show. Erin explains they will be wearing A. Wang (LOL) and her jewelry. Everyone is very excited. Until Mr. Jay tells them the catch: they will be walking on a 12"-wide walk way over a pool ... in a plastic ball. Jaclyn is worried that she won't be able to open the ball and, therefor, will be stuck in there for the rest of her life. On top of all this they will be photographed, behind the scenes, by Russell James. He's got a great, rugged look to him and then he opens his mouth. An Australian accent? No thanks.
The girls are done up while Russell snaps photos of them. Mr. Jay wanders around and talks to the girls about, whatever. Alexandria explains to us that she has "natural swag." I notice that Kasia has some teeny boobs, which is a bummer. All-in-all, the photo shoot is a little bland. I'm just waiting for the runway.
After being called "busted up" by Ms. J, the girls are sent out in their bubbles. The bubbles are filled with confetti. It's really hard to see the clothing, which is actually OK because it's all pretty boring-looking. Ondrei is the first to fall!

Back from commercial, we get a replay of Ondrei's fall. I love her yelp during mid-fall. She fumbles her way back out of the water, totally embarrassed. Poor thing. Sarah almost spills but saves it. Dalya struts with her hands on her hips for balance and Mr. Jay makes fun of her. What a dick. Brittani werks it - you better earn that ticket out of the trailer park, girlfriend! Angelia jokes that if she wasn't on a 12" runway stuffed in a bubble, she could show you her stuff! Sorry to get all Tyra, but, that's the point. Right? Dumb ass. I dislike her more and more. Dominique is pretty sure she had a defective bubble (but I'm pretty sure everyone had the same bubble, which - gross). I'm sure she's sure of this because she falls on her ass half-way back to land. Whoopsie. After fumbling around for about an hour and mugging as much as possible, she makes it out of the water.
With everyone out of the bubbles and on dry land, The J's tear into them. Mr. Jay can't wait to bitch about Dalya putting her hands on her hips - claiming that it's never been in fashion. First of all: nope. People do that, asshole. Tyra did it. Hell, she made Danni do it when Danni was the lead during the Cycle 7 finale. WATCH THE SHOW YOU'RE ON. Brittani gets congratulated on her good walk. Erin gifts them with jewelry, which is really nice. I expected this to be a challenge where someone would win some awesome stuff (Erin Wasson jewelry) and then there would be a loser.

Back at the loft, the girls get Tyra Mail of Death. They are reminded by this that someone will be going home. DO YOU REALLY NEED TO BE REMINDED OF THIS? Whatever.
Alexandria mumbles her way through a shitty pep talk for Jaclyn. They practice runway. In Uggs. Then Alexandria (in a one-on-one) makes an excellent point: "How can you not know this is stuff you're supposed to ... know!" As stupid as she sounds, she right. "Do your homework, girl!" is also correct. All of these broads should know how to walk and pose by the time they get to panel. Jaclyn complains that she feels like Alexandria is her mother. Gross.

Behind the scenes, pre-panel, Tray comes out in the worst t-shirt ever. It's got Andre's face on it, drawn, in what looks like, marker. By a 7-year old. Andre squeals and thanks Tyra and hugs her. With the girls in the room, Tyra reminds everyone that they are high fashion now! Nigel and Andre are there to judge, of course. And Erin has joined them as the guest judge. The prizes are: $100,000 contract with Cover Girl, a contract with IMG, a spread in Italian Vogue, and the cover of Beauty in Vogue. You also get featured on Vogue Italia's website!
Time to go look at the photos! Alexandria is up first - she looks great in the photo. Even though it's a profile shot, the picture looks very fierce. Next, Dalya - it's nice. She looks lovely, of course, but it's not dynamic. Nicole walks up and Tyra screams about finding her on Tyra's website. Ugh. Anyway, the photo - it's whatever. In fact, I can barely see her in it. According to Tyra, she photographs much older than she looks, which is not a good thing. Sarah is up next - it's alright. Tyra points out Sarah's androgyny and how awesome it is - Sarah doesn't seem as sure. Ondrei comes up - the photo is fine. Angelia looks messy in front of panel - and her photo is way too Khloe Kardashian. Hannah shyly walk up - her photo is a group shot and she really pops. Kasia bounds up and Tyra explains that she is the plus-size girl - the photo is blah. Monique shoves her way to the panel - the photo is nice and she looks lovely. Mikaela comes up - her photo is great. Even though she's not it the foreground, she pops. Dominique comes up and everyone talks about her hilarious fall at the runway - her photo is whatever, but she does look great. Jaclyn hams up her Southern fried accent - the photo is great but it was the only good shot. Whoops! Molly comes up in a midriff-baring top that Andre and Tyra are not please with. In fact, it sends Andre into a fit so deep that he speaks a dialect of Gay I have never heard before - and I am fluent in most! The photo is nice, though. Finally, we have Brittani. She lumbers up with her tongue out and Nigel is a little freaked out. They all make her take a cute little feather thing in her hair out. Her photo is thebomb.com, though.

The judges deliberate, blahblahblah. I'm already sick of Tyra's voice and it's only the first episode.
Tyra calls Molly first - despite her shitty top, that photo was awesome. Everyone else takes their picture and steps to the side. Finally, we are left with Dominique and Khloe Kardashian Angelia. Tyra reminds them they are both beautiful. But Angelia wasn't giving any emotional connection. Dominique is unique but is also not giving an emotional connection. It was her hilarious performance during her runway spill that gets her the photo. Rightly so. And I'm delighted by Angelia's departure - she rubbed me the wrong way. She makes excuses during her exit interview.

So, there we go! What did you think? And how excited are you for the next episode? THERE WILL BE BEES!!

A Quick One ...

Today is the Oscars. And I will be going to a house warming/Oscar party in a few hours. I'm undecided if I should do a recap. I missed almost all the other awards shows (except the Grammys, which was, at most, Twitter-worthy), so it's not like I've been building up to it. But I'm going to record it - and all the dumb as stuff before and after - so maybe I will give it a go.

Ghosthunters started it's new season this week. I actually don't remember much of the episode since I was practically blinded by all the fancy new graphics and opening credits. I still love Grant and Jason, so it feels like going home.

ANTM also started up this week. I'm a little on the fence about this show now; on the one hand, it's just the best/worst thing ever until the end of time - on the other hand, it's just not like it used to be. Tyra is doing her best to shake things up a bit, and I appreciate the effort. But it's going to come down to how well the girls deliver. I will continue to cover the show until I can't stand it anymore - or I no longer have the time. The recaps will be pretty text heavy from now on because it takes a lot of time to search through photos and screen caps. If I even tried to so that, it would just be a mess.

Next week I'll have the Ghosthunters and ANTM premiere recaps! Promise!

ANTM bitches!

Since I totally forgot to tape Ghost Hunters International this week, the review is going to have to wait. But on the bright side, that means you'll be getting two episodes next week!! In the meantime, I've found some more info on the newest cycle on ANTM!
Apparently they're still trying for "high fashion" this cycle; guest judges include: fashion designer Lana Marks, model/stylist Erin Wasson, stylist Rachel Zoe (barf), model/actress Alek Wek, stylist/creative consultant Lori Goldstein, IMG Models executive Ivan Bart, Vogue Italia editor-in-chief Franca Sozzani, designer Daniella Issa Helayel, and costume designer/stylist Eric Daman.
A contract with IMG Models, a fashion spread in Vogue Italia (and an additional spread and cover of Beauty in Vogue), and a $100,000 contract with CoverGirl Cosmetics are the prizes.
Now let's meet the girls!!!!!!!

Alexandria
Wow, she looks really bitty, huh? It's actually kind of freaking me out. The fuck do I know though, she's 5'10", but if course she is. Anyway, she's 21 which is awesome because that means she can drink! She from Newport Beach but lives in Huntington Beach, California so I'm hoping that means she a rich spoiled brat. Which could be true since she's unemployed.

Angelia
Oof, I dunno guys ...
Also 5'10" but only 20, she's from Germany! But lives in Florida ... yuck. She goes to college and studies Marine Biology, so I hope she tries to be the smart one in the house. She is most confident about her "unique look." Nope.

Brittani
First of all: fuck you with that name. Second of all: I'm not sure how I feel about her. She's not too terrible looking but she's pretty average. Though she kinda looks like a bitch, so that's good. Yeah, I think she's going to be a problem. She's 19 (and 5'10", which is normal) and a college student who likes to dance and express herself artistically. This is going to be great.

Dalya
Sorry, I'm not feeling her. She kind of reminds me of Aminat and doesn't look like she's got much going on up there. In her brain.
She's from Texas but lives in California now, is 21 and has some pretty pedestrian hobbies: shopping, hanging with friends and reading. But she's always in model mode! Whatever the fuck that means. Her greatest concern is that the judges won't understand her. Unless she has some Dani-level accent problems, I think this means that she's going to be a whopping bitch.

Dominique
GROSS
She's older, too - 23. She's from Texas and, as an occupation: college graduate with a degree in Marketing. I mean, is that a job? I dunno. This girl bugs the shit out of me.

Hannah
I'm so confused by this whole picture! The top looks like something a figure skater would wear and the look on her face is so nuts.
From Texas! Everyone is from Texas. And this chick sounds like a mess, too. She's majoring in "photo-communication" and is worried that she'll come off like a ditz. Plus, she's confidant that she will be able to make friends in the house. Oh, come on ...

Jaclyn
Could people stop spelling their names all retarded and fucking stupid?
She's from TEXAS. She's also a waitress and a college student. And she's most afraid of having to do any modeling with a shark. What? Ugh. But she's got a great face - a little Rachel Bilson in there.

Kasia
I almost don't even want to do this anymore...
What's going on here? I thought at first it was funny that everyone looked kinda shitty but now it's just sad. Plus, this girl thinks she's high fashion. Whatever ...

Mikaela
I mean, you see this too, yeah? Like ... what is this?
And she's from Florida, so I already hate her.

Molly
COME ON!
And she's worried about not getting along with everyone, which is just so dumb.

Monique
Sigh ...
One of her favorite hobbies is "bubble baths."

Nicole
What's awesome is that she kind of has a Molly Sims thing going on but she still manages to fuck it up.
She's confident that she can handle criticism. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Ondrei
OK, now she's much better!
She's actually tiny! 5'7"!

Sara
Ahhhhhh!!!
And I'm sure she's retarded because she's worried that she won't be able to articulate what she's thinking and she won't get any better throughout the competition. Ugh.

This is just too, too much. I'm amazed at how fucking awful everyone looks. This could go really well or really badly.

ANTM bitches!

Cycle 16 will premier February 23rd and I am shitting bricks. The girls look terrible this cycle.



OK, so the photo is a little fuzzy. Whatever. Trust me - these bitches are rough looking.
CWtv.com has nothing up on the models but they are playing the current commercial spot. All I've found online is one screen cap of this poor idiot:



Don't know who she is or what the fuck is going on with her make up. But I love it. Her eyebrows are mesmerizing, no?

According to Wikipedia, the exotic location for this cycle is Morocco! Here's Mr. Jay queening it up in the desert:



Dude. Stop it.

Other than that, everything seems pretty routine: the girls are screaming and crying and hating on each other. There are stupid ass runway challenges (including one where the girls have to walk across water in what looks like a big hamster ball). And bees.

Last cycle was decent, even though Ann won and I wanted Kayla to win because she's a big 'ol lesbian (haven't you heard?!) but it's obvious that the show doesn't sparkle quite as much as it used to. Never thought I'd long for the halcyon days of Jade!
Whatever, I'll watch this show till the day I die - and drag you along with me!

ANTM 6

Last Week: There was the conveyor belt run way challenge that Kacey won and the fight between Kacey and Lexie, which even Tyra was bored of. Lexie went home ... yawn.

Coming home from panel, everyone is mad at Anne for continuing to do really well. Kayla reminds us that she used to be really poor, which is a nice change of pace from reminding us she's a lesbian. Chelsey is about do for a mental breakdown, no? I mean, we haven't heard much from her.

The girls are split into groups for a Cover Girl challenge. Team 1: Anne, Kendal, Jane; Team 2: Kacey, Esther, Kayla (Kacey tells us that she hates being in a group and she prefers to "ride solo", probably because everyone hates her); Team 3: Liz, Chris and Chelsey (Chelsey is a bit of a micro manager).
So everyone is at Walmart the next day at the ass crack of dawn. Nigel explains to them what they will be doing for the challenge - the girls have to talk to "customers" about some new crap Cover Girl is selling. They get to buy some other crap at Walmart if they win.
Team 1 goes first and seem to do OK. Jane is a little stiff and I have trouble understanding Kendal and, of course, Anne is just super fucking creepy. Team 2 is up next! They all stand like they are giving a book report. Kacey is kinda pagenty but Kayla is adorable. Team 3? They stand too but are totally freaking awkward. Chris bowls over everyone and really comes across as a car sales man.
Some fashion journalist was there taking notes and judging them. But the crowd the girls spoke to are also judges and Nigel reveals their opinions! Wheeeeee (me rubbing my hands together)! Anne was basically "not present", Kayla does well because a gay guy in the group liked how she referred to herself as sporty - he has a sporty sister! Mmhmm... Kacey got a solid review. Chris was over powering and talked over everyone. Chelsey got sympathy points because Chris kept running over her. And that's it? Dang man, I wanted to hear more shit talking.
Awww ... Anne gets the lowest score but I guess I saw that coming since she's been doing so well, they need to cut her down a peg. The winning team is #2, with Kacey in the top. Her reaction to wining is much more subdued this time - thank god.

Everyone is bussed to Rodeo Drive and they are greeted by Mr. J. They will be working with a stylist on a photo shoot. More male models! They are just trying to make Kacey cheat, right? Anyway.
Chris gets to be with a male model all by herself (you just know Kacey hated that).
Liz and Kendal are paired together, with a male model.
Kayla and Esther are together, with a male model.
Jane and Kacey together, with male model.
Chelsey and Anne together, with male model - Chelsey is not pleased.
The whole thing was madness - they shot on Rodeo Drive and there are tourists and fucking Tyra showed up. Just way too much was going on.

Panel Time!
Kendal and Liz look fantastic but Kendal is clearly more relaxed. Her single-walking shot was great. Liz's was awful. Seriously, it sucks balls.
Esther and Kayla have an odd photo. The body language is awkward and Kayla bitches out because her shoes are too small. Esther has a good solo photo but Kayla's is awkward.
Jane and Kacey is also odd. Jane looks fantastic but Kacey looks like a bitch. Jane's solo looks fantastic but Kacey us turned away from the camera because she's a moron.
Anne and Chelsey look good, kinda like "glamazons"! Tyra is flabbergasted over how Anne is a freak but her photos are awesome. The solo is great because she's in action and looks fierce. Chelsey's is cute, just not high fashion.
Chris' turn and it's adorable. But it's more Teen Vogue than Italian Vogue. Her solo is cute, too.

I'm going to call that Chelsey might make it all the way to the final two. She's looking better every day but she's still too invested in the competition.
Anyway, called first? Anne! Again! Runner up is Jane. Good for her! Then Kendal, Esther, Chris, Chelsey, Liz.

Thunderdome Battle!
Kayla vs. Kacey! Both are beautiful but Kacey is dull and totally disconnected. Kayla just complained too much. So she gets to stay, because she's a lesbian. Bye Kacey!

Next Week: The girls dress each other for the Grammy's and then embody fashion designers for the photo shoot. But what about the drama?!

ANTM 5

More liveblogging. Sorta. I got a little behind this week, so just bear with me. 

Last Week: Reminder that Kacey is not well liked in the house, Matthew Ralston's weird-ass photo shoot and ... a dig at Rhianna? Seriously, what did that mean? "And like another Rhianna, our Rhianna proved to be one-note." HUH?

Anne is getting hated on because she keeps getting called first. But so is Kacey and she tries to ... do something about that ... by calling everyone's attention and running her mouth. Greatest moment of my life? When Chris (you can't see her, but it's her) boos her and yells: "Get off the stage, bitch!" Though, I have to admit, Kacey's plan (write down a question and I'll answer it) isn't too shabby.
In other news, Liz is still super fucking annoying.
Haha, yeah, it sounds like Jane said her dad is a "lawn doctor" (she means lung doctor, and really, is that a thing?), just like Rich over at fourfour said. Lulz. I like Jane enough, she's quiet, takes decent photos and doesn't make my eyes hurt when I look at her. But I knew very little of her before this episode. Turns out, she comes from a well-to-do family and Liz decides to get passive-aggressive about it. Barf.

Lexie reminds us that she is "really strange." Which means she's actually just really annoying.

At the 2nd Street tunnel in Downtown LA the girls are introduced to their next runway challenge by Ms. J. I have no fucking idea what's going on with her eyebrows. There are male models again and Kacey brings up how difficult it is for her to not flirt with that same model as last time. What an asshole. I always managed to not flirt with cute guys when I had a boyfriend. Jesus.
Oh yeah, the runway is actually a conveyor belt. LOL
OK, OK. Fine. The male models are cute...

The challenge is a total disaster, of course. Liz is such a complete fucking spaz! Jane's knees are incredibly red. Oh Kendal ... Lexie seems to be the only one who can handle the runway with out looking like a total nut. Kacey wins the challenge and screams like a mother fucker.

ALT shows up with a model that I have heard of but am not familiar with. She makes them a fruit smoothie because they all eat a bunch of shit - especially Anne. EW. Lexie leaves bobbi pins on the kitchen counter. And Kacey has old ass food on the counter. EW! They argue and scream and it's annoying and Liz agrees so she yells in Kacey's face. Anyone else get the feeling that Kacey is going to get called first this episode?

The girls show up at a Lucha Libre ... thing. Plus, a father-son photography team is going to shoot the girls. They look a lot alike and it's freaking me out. They are also annoying - constantly yelling and making monkey noises.
Liz has some trouble with taking direction and listening to Mr. Jay. Jane looks great but basically can't commit to a pose. Esther went a little nuts - and I like it. Chelsey reminds me of Blonde Ambition-ers Madonna. Kayla talks about being a lesbian - again; I love it too, but let's not make a "thing" out of it. Chris gets physical! Anne isn't doing too well and it freaks her out - this makes me sad. Lexie looks so god damned trashy.

Back at the house the girls enjoy some food and I notice that there is a shelf almost totally filled with Pepridge Farm cookies. Didn't they just have a conversation about this?

Lots of fake laughter in the backstage, pre-panel camera-thingy.

Kendal looks great in person. Her photo is only OK because her face looks good but her body is "meh."
Lexie has a terrible photo. Just ... terrible.
Esther has some fun body language but a bland face.
Chelsey looks like Marilyn Manson in her photo.
Anne admits that she didn't do well but it turns out that she did a great job. And it's true!
Jane has a cute looking picture but it's very unimaginative and a little porn-y.
Chris is FIERCE! Except in the face.
Kayla's outfit is crazy. Her photo is dynamic though.
Liz is also dressed to unimpress. Her photo is nuts.
Kacey looks a little messy. But she's kinda vacant and "safe."

Called first? Anne. Again. She's going to be murdered in her sleep. Tyra goads Chris into getting pissy at Anne, but for the moment she's too excited about being called second.

Thunderdome Battle!
It's Lexie vs. Jane! Both a beautiful (maybe) but Lexie can't take a picture to save her life. Jane is a little lacking in the personality department but it's cool because she's staying. Bye Lexie! Thanks for the good times, you were just a little too boring.

Next Week: Anne doesn't do well at a Cover Girl shoot and the girls have a photo shoot on Rodeo Drive. Then my DVR cuts off the episode.

ANTM 4

It's that time again! I'm blogging this live, so I hope we go to commercial soon because I totally have to pee.

Make overs and Terra's exit are recapped. Sarah and her bleached eyebrows are sent packing, in case you forgot. Which you very well could have since I barely remember her - save for the eyebrows. Commercials - thank god!

Lexie laments being in the bottom two but there is no way because she is such a shit-starter. Everyone else talks about how much they want this and how hard they want to work for it blahblahblah. Kacey has a BRILLIANT idea: they should have a BBQ with the male models from last week. All the girls think Kacey is shady and don't trust her. Duh.

Turns out the whole day was super awkward. Except for Kacey! She was all over her male model friend. Most of the guys start to bail and no one gives a shit. Seriously, that was so uncomfortable to watch ...

The girls go to Knott's Berry Farm and meet Nigel and Ms. J. Yeay! I like Knott's! The girls have to ride The Silver Bullet and the mounted photo will take a picture of them while Nigel and Ms. J call out emotions into an earpiece. Easy, right? Barf.

Liz looses her shit but pulls off a great photo. Kacey and Lexie not so much. Jane looks possessed. Kayla busts it out. Chelsey also looks insane. Ann is supposed to be intense and just looks lovely. Rhianna is such a mess. Chris doesn't like roller coasters and might not even be able to do the photo shoot! Please ... she does it anyway. She's supposed to looks like she "doesn't care" - instead she looks constipated.

Liz wins the challenge and gets a photo shoot with Tyra that will end up on her website. Chris and Kayla get to go with her. The girls are going to reenact the "cover" of Tyra's web-magazine. She looks great with long ass hair. Kayla busts it out and Chris looks pretty nice. Then there's tea. Yeah. They have tea. In her one-on-one Kayla looks so awesomely butch with her hair parted down the middle. And then Tyra ate all the carrot cake.

Lexie bitches about cleaning the house. Kacey is the slob and also the one that no one likes, so Lexie choses the moment to call her out in front of everyone. Lucky for Lexie, it's actually true that no one likes her. Whatever, Kacey is boring.

"True beauty lives just under the surface" - will they be skinned alive?!

It's a highly stylized photo shoot with ... live seafood? The get to shoot with Matthew Ralston - no fucking idea who this troll doll is. Anyway, they get to play under sea goddesses and will be photographed under some glass contraption.

Matthew is super insane and goes through every little thing that he doesn't like about the girls. I like this guy.

Hey! It's Kendal! Haven't heard from her in awhile. Unfortunatly, she forgot she was in the club. Kayla looked like The Little Mermaid! Chelsey freaked me out. Ethser  had a dreamy look - also a Stepford Wives look. Chris looked great. Lecxie pumps herself up but Jesus she looked weird. Kacey looked great and wowed Matthew. Jane looked like a mermaid. Anne was so gorgeous! Rhianna really is a poor man's Anne, though she can look lovely. Liz starts to complain about her make up and it's just so fucking annoying.

Chelsey wants to be number one but I really don't think that's going to happen.

Back Stage, Pre-Panel: Matthew is super grossed out about kissing Tyra. Haha.

First up is Kacey and gets called out on her nasty gold shoes. He photo is OK but I think she looks like she's choking herself. Kayla is gorgeous and I still think she looks like Ariel, so does Tyra. Esther looks great and ALT thinks she looks like Elizabeth Taylor. Anne is fantastic, as usual! Chris looks whack to me but Matthew thinks it's great. Jane is beautiful but harsh. Lexie just looks god damned silly to me - and she is in profile again, barf. Rhianna does look uncomfortable - I don't like it. Kendal looks great - it actually looks like she's moving! Chelsey looks like shiiiiiiit - she looks like an amateur drag queen. Liz looks pissed in her photo - it's pretty bad. AND she complains that she couldn't see ... Jesus.

Called first: Anne! AGAIN! She's going to be murdered in her sleep. Ooo! Kacey gets called second - I'm sure everyone loved that. Wow, Chelsey gets through with that shitty drag photo.

Rhianna gets called out for being a flower child? I think they mean stupid. Liz gets called out for being a whiny bitch. But, she gets to stay. Dur. Awwww ... poor Rhianna is crying! She wasn't versatile enough, so she's got to work on that. Whatever.

Next week is a moving runway and Lexie and Kacey get at each others throats. Yeay!

ANTM 3

Ann is feeling great after being called first and Lexie is still annoying. Sara busts out some photos of her baby and whines about not being with him.Then she whines about not doing well in the photo challenge. Terra mulls over being in the bottom two.

Tyra shows up looking like a Newsies reject. She then asks about every-bodies farts. There's my girl!

She brings over portfolios - that are empty. But it's a roundabout way to announce MAKEOVERS!!!!!!!
I'm not even going to try to explain what the girls are getting because everything that comes out of her mouth is insane rambling. Wait, wait, WAIT. One of the girls has a little gap in her teeth and Tyra wants to EMPHASIS IT. Bitch.

Everyone starts speculating about the makeovers and Lexie decides to play a prank by making a fake list explaining what the makeovers are actually going to be. Everyone, predictably, starts to freak out. It's the weirdest thing I have ever seen. Everyone takes it so seriously and Lexie (proving to me that she is completely crazy) goes way over the top because she "gave herself" a bad makeover. I'm excited to see what happens when none of those makeovers actually happen. Lexie is going to get her ass kicked.

Terra and Chris call their mom - that lady is amazing: she could tell who was who on the phone!

Anyway - onto makeovers!!
(BTW - Lexie promises that she will never tell anyone about the fake list. We will see about that ...)

Anne looks really great - much softer and more lady-ish. Liz gets a crazy-short cut that she doesn't really like; it looks OK but she might rock it. Chelsey gets her gap whitened and icy blond hair. Sara gets bleached eyebrows and dark hair - it looks weird. Kendal is getting a long weave which looks fantastic on her. Terra (crying again) is getting a really buzzed cut; it's ... weird. Kayla is going red - like actual red and it's insane. Chris gets a long curly weave that is pretty pedestrian. Esther goes jet black that compliments her. Jane looks pedestrian as well. Rhianna gets a long blond-ish weave that looks nice. Kacey gets her hair straightened and contacts. And now it's Lexie's turn! Her hair is darker and longer. The Jays don't think much of her.

YES. Someone is going home tonight.
Liz, Sarah, Lexie, Terra are all singled out for being brats.
And holy shit - Terra gets sent home. Though, I can't say that I blame them: all she did was suck and cry. Nothing else. Chris is pretty bummed but I could care less. Mr. Jay brings up a good point: don't let the makeovers go. These girls tend to let their hair go to shit after a little while. Why would you do that?

Chris is openly sad about her sister getting sent home and everyone is keeping an eye on her to see if she starts to fuck up. Nice.

The photo shoots theme is "Fallen Angels", so they get dolled up with black feathers and get hooked up in a harness so that it looks like they are falling from heaven. They are paired up with boys. Kayla is grossed out by this.

Esther wants to be a fearless angel but is having some trouble with it.
Liz is a "powerful/victory" angel but is lacking grace. She also complains a lot.
Kayla is an evil angel and it's awesome.
Sarah is a seductive angel and she is so flat is weird.
Kacey is a rebellious angel (who happens to find a connection with her male model - much to the dislike of her house mates.)
Rhianna is a "hopeless/sultry" angel. Really, they need to pick this shit for the girls - especially if it's coming from the one that was called "stupid" back in school.
Chelsy is a mysterious angel and rocks it.
Chris is a heartbroken angel and does a great job.
Jane is a scorned angel
Kendal is a "desire angel" - which makes no fucking sense.
Anne is a longing angel and does well even though she's nervous about working with a guy.
Lexie is a preditorial (also, that's not a real word and my spell check refuses to acknowledge it) angel and she let's down Mr. Jay.

In the pre-panel footage everyone orgasms over Tyra's late-70's-ish outfit. Patricia Fields is there.

OH SNAP - Lexie, Rhianna and Anne are called out over the list by Tyra. Hilarious.

Liz has an OK picture. Chelsy also has an OK photo. But Esther's photo is clueless. Jane is also clueless! Come on ladies! Kacey does not deliver a powerful picture. Lexie looks terrible - dude, seriously, this is BAD! Sarah - JESUS! What is going on? Chris has a good photo! But it's still not even that good. Rhianna also has a great photo. Kendal is pretty whatever. Kayla's photo is great - I love it! Anne has the best photo of all!

Patricia Fields puts on sunglasses to look at photos.

Called first? Anne! Again! Yeay!

Now it's down to ...Lexie and Sarah (I thought it would be Esther!)
Sarah goes home, which doesn't surprise me that much. Hell, the girl made a fake makeover list!!
She feels guilty over having left her son for awhile and I just don't care. She's too boring.

That's it kids! Next week there are beauty shots involving seafood ... I don't know.

ANTM 1/2

I didn't get around to recapping the first episode of this cycle (for obvious reasons) but I wanted to put in my two cents: Boring. There was nothing much that stood out from it; a lot of the girls are pretty even-keel and some are even well-spoken and (dare I say!) intelligent. Annamaria is the only front-runner for Bitch, so far. Though Kelsy (?? - it's Lexi) is coming right up behind her with all the shit talking she does.

Anyway, I'm watching the second episode right now and had a powerful lust to recap as I watch.

Basically, the girls are in LA again and are living in an ugly ass house on Venice Beach. Everyone is getting along pretty well; Kayla comes out as a lesbian and Ann is still a goofy-ass weirdo. The first challenge was a Diane Von Furstenberg fashion show; the runway was suspended in mid-air above the audience but the girls were strapped in with a harness. Damnit.

The photo shoot is "all about bullying" which is "very important to Tyra." All the girls get into bikinis and have words that bullies have said to them painted on their bodies. It's very Laugh-In. When Tyra does a one-on-one with Kayla about her bully word ("queer") she starts to cry - and rightfully so. Tyra smiles like an idiot. You know, the more I look at her, the lovelier Kayla gets. I kinda want her to win.

Anyone watch True Blood? Jane looks like Crystal, right? Liz choosing "Biracial Beauty" is nice but it reminds me of Dr. Gonzo's note to Ellen Burstyn in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: "Back door beauty?" Ann looks a bit like Paulina in make up. And Annamaria reminds me of Alicia Silverstone in make up - CHRIST she is thin. And she is clearly mental.

Demi Lavato shows up to talk about being bullied. Jesus, she looks old. Isn't she supposed to be, like, 14 or something? And then she's gone.

OK. So the "pre-panel camera" is just the living end. Just when I thought this show couldn't out-asshole itself.

I'm glad that Andre is still on board and I have to think that it's his doing that got them the Italian Vogue spread.

Lexi's photo looks great. Even if she hates being called "elf ears" she needs to accept that she has some serious Galadriel going on and it's working for me.
Kasey seems to have lost her face in the photo. She sorta looks like Ponyo when she's transforming or whatever.
Jane does nothing for me.
Kayla is next and Tyra takes the opportunity to drag some tears out of Kayla over the "queer" thing. I really like Kayla's crying voice - it reminds me of Peppermint Patty. And you know, her photo is awesome.
Liz has a really great look but I think she might struggle with her harsh angles.
Esther is the one with some big ass titties. That's all you need to know right now.
Kendal's photo is crap. Her eyes are heavily lidded.
Sarah photo is crappy too - not memorable at all.
Terra's photo is really awkward and there doesn't seem to be a real thought process to how she's posing.
Chris has the broke-down doll thing which looks bad.
Chelsea is next with her bully word "Casper" - she's not even that pale. Maybe it's the TV but she seriously doesn't look that pale. What's even worse is that she chose some meaningless word ("fearless") to make herself feel better. The photo is great though.
Rhianna's bully word is "stupid" and that is exactly what her photo is.
Annamaria gets called slim right away by both Nigel and Tyra. Annamaria starts to sass Tyra, claiming that she doesn't see that she's too thin.
Ann looks AMAZING. Done.

I get the feeling that Terra and Annamaria are going to be in the bottom two. And I'm right.

Ann gets called first and I am delighted. Kayla is the runner up which just makes me even happier.

So ... Terra is beautiful but lacks focus. Annamaria is also beautiful but the judges don't like how fucking skinny she is. Which is why she gets to fuck off back home. I guess Lexi is going to be the Bitch!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA - the little bit of next week's episode that I caught has the girls freaking out over make overs because ... a list of the make overs was found in the house! Wait, what?

ANTM 15

It's that time of year again! And even though I haven't finished my one-shot recap of last season I want to share a few thoughts on the newest crop of girls. CWTV hasn't released any photos of the contestants or even a group shot; instead, we have video clips of all 15. Normally I ignore these clips and just base my critiques off the pictures, but this time around that's not possible. What I learned was that everyone ranges from ugly as shit to fairly normal looking. And they all seem really reserved (read: booooring).

Anamaria - she had a gut feeling to try out for show. I have a gut feeling that her gap tooth will be an interesting subject, if she sticks around. And even though she's from Queens, Anamaria has a little Wisconson in her voice. Also: "hiddeness of me"?

Ann - never thought about being on the show but her friends insisted that she try out - you're friends think you're a bitch. Whoa, check those ears out. She's also too tall (6'2"). You can't really see it when she's sitting in front of the camera but her fashion leans a little to the Gothic-Lolita style. Plus, it turns out that Ann is suuuuuuuper skinny, which is causing a lot of controversy. From what I have seen of her, she seems pretty healthy and alert.

Chelsey - likes Beauty Shots and runway. She also thinks she's edgy and differnt looking and maybe a ditzy blonde. Whatever.

Chris - is supposed to win this competition, loves herself (but maybe in a joking way), has a sister in the competition. Chris is one of the lucky few that actually looks like a normal person.

Esther - AHHHHHHHHH! Maybe she's a muppet? But seriously, you guys, she is hideous. More friends egging her into trying out for the show; I'd love to meet her friends and Anamaria's friends, just to ask them if they really do think the girls are dumb ass bitches. She has lived in different countries, speaks French at home, and said "arwords"(?) when she meant awards. Turns out that she is the plus sized model with a 30G bra size. Yummy!

Jane - talks about her unique look, is the theme this cycle "ugly"? She has a super short clip, possibly because the Vicoden kicked in and she fell asleep on camera.

Kacey - a repeat auditioner who made it Cycle 11, but did not go far. She likes Jasline and Dani and YaYa ... 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Claims she's down-to-earth but people think she looks like a bitch. Hmmmm ...

Kayla - looks like Rachel Dratch, plays soccer and has a bad neck.

Kendal - thinks she was born to model and doesn't want to do anything else (do you think it's because these girls don't know how to do anything else?), doubts herself a lot.

Lexie - she looks like a shark. It's obvious that she wants to be on the show to get a free hair-cut and a free plane ride. Turns out she can join MENSA and was a professional artist and a nationally ranked high jumper.

Liz - looks familiar? Wants to be somebody big, doesn't think that modeling is hard work, thinks she's a comedian, is a single mother, works two jobs, video totally cut out ... bummer

Rhianna - looks like Drew Barrymore, dresses like Annie Hall, seems very timid, finds it upsetting when she sees her clothes on other people, tall (6'1 1/2"). I get an Allison vibe from her but maybe not as charming.

Sara - tried out for Cycle 11 but didn't make it, understood that she was boring the first time time around so made sure to be an idiot this time around, "I think yurze would be surprised ..."?, has a baby

Terra - has tried out 4 times, is Chris' sister, reminds me of a girl I used to work with, talks a little fast, claims that she is very truthful, "actually" a tomboy.

Nothing revelatory just yet but we still have a few weeks to go. I'm hoping that we get some photos soon; it will be interesting to judge the girls on their looks after having seen their "personalities."

Bonus!

This cycle will take place in LA again! The over seas location has not been announced yet. And the winner will be on Italian Vogue. Wow!!

WTF is this shit?

ANTM (America's Next Top Model, for all you losers that don't know) is coming back March 10, with an extended premiere. And while the official CW website has nary a photo of the new crop, the Internets are abuzz with gossip. Kinda. I think everyone is just complaining about the photos that have been released and how awful they look. I'm all for crazy-kooky 80's kitch...but this?

Let's meet these bitches:

Name: Gabrielle

She's 18 years old and looks like a dead hooker in this picture/makeup/hair. Does it have to be so obvious how much Tyra hates these girls?

Name: Krista

First things first: why is there always some low-rent knock off version of Iman or Grace Jones on this show? Obviously Tyra isn't about to have a Naomi look-a-like (don't go there) but why the same old, same old? Now: this bitch is 26. TWENTY SIX!!

Name: Brenda

I am a sucker for redheads, so even though I think this thing is just a boring Majorie wannabe, I'm going to root for her. Plus, I can't tell if she's a bitch or just an idiot.

Name: Simone

Now there is a bitch. She could be attractive but that dumbass hair is just too much. Let's hope this is before make overs - er, Ty-overs. (She's 19, whatever.)

Name: Raina

Look. Sometimes I can't come up with snarky comments. I just can't. This is one of those times. Because this chick is nasty and I don't want to share a can of soda with her - even if I do get Mono and loose 20lbs. - it just wouldn't be worth it. Find some fucking Purell.

Name: Alexandra

I like her because she is clearly a throwback to the early 80's. She has her own soft focus, just like how some girls make their own wind. Now, I'm sure she's a moron and, heck, maybe she's a bitch too but I'm going to root for her.

Name: Anslee

Anslee? ANSLEE?! Maybe that's why she's making that face...

Name: Angelea

Imma call this one: Stripper. But I also have to caution that I am so fucking jealous of her hair.

Name: Naduah

I would like to begin by formally apologizing to Raina - even though I still think she's super funky in a bad way - because Naduah (really? Go fuck yourself with that) is FUGLY. God. Damn.

Name: Ren

She just looks like a bitch, huh? But I love her. Mostly because I am going to assume that she was named after my favorite Chiuhuaha.

Name: Alasia

Sigh...Another low-rent Ghetto Bitch. She'll be gone by episode 5. Better hair than Gabrielle though.

Name: Jessica

Oh, for fuck's sake...

Name: Tatianna

Now, I can't tell if she's making that face on purpose (like she thinks it sexy) or if it's all just a big jumbled together mess that will be eliminated first.

There you go kids - the newest crop of girls! They will be heading to Auckland for the finale because ANTM has gone to every corner of the earth. Oh, no they haven't. Whatever.

ANTM - Busted

I'm sorry to say that it looks like the rest of this cycle will not get the coverage that I had hopped I could give. There's a lot going on right now, which is good, but it's taking up most of my time. What I'd like to do is get you all a quick cover of what happened in the week's episode and maybe one or two pictures.

Sorry again, hopefully this summer's cycle will be better!

ANTM#4 - Are you fucking kidding me with this?

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

This happens every cycle. And every cycle we all fall for it in some way or another. But I was deeply disappointed this time around: trying to make Bianca sympathetic is just stupid.

As I pointed out last episode, Bianca is a survivor of an abusive relationship but we don't really hear too much about that. If she told any of the other girls in the house (besides Nicolle and just recently), it doesn't seem like they give a shit. And rightly so. This may sound harsh and even terrible but Bianca is an unpleasant person that deserves what she gets. I'm not saying that she deserved to be slapped around by her douche bag boyfriend (no matter how mouthy or unpleasant a woman is, you can always just dump her) but I am saying that whatever shit gets thrown her way by the producers or girls in the house, she completely asked for it.

Notice that Rae (who was kidnapped, raped and dumped at a gas station) doesn't flout her tragedy or behave like a ragging narcissistic bitch to the other girls in the house.

Let's move on...

Except we can't. LuLu and Ashley are complaining about Bianca, which is hardly noteworthy until Nicolle pipes up (during a private one-on-one) to point out that this makes them Shitty People. Just so you know, this means that they will be the Bad Guys once Bianca is kicked off.

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

Notice that Kara is lying in there with them. What does that mean? I can't be sure. Maybe she is trying to latch onto the "stronger" girls in the competition or maybe she just wants to be as close to whoever is calling people names, just so she won't get on their shit list. Or maybe she was just cold.

Challenge: Runway

(Awesome. A runway challenge RIGHT AFTER Courtney leaves)

It's pretty basic: the girls have to walk down a run way for Miss J, so he can make fun of them. Then they will partner up with another girl (wearing the same clothes as them) and people will compare who is better.

But first we are introduced to the amazing Diva Divanna (9) who rules at life.

(gif from fourfour.typepad.com)

There are some pretty old criticisms from Miss J about the girls:

Rae - right arm is stiff

Sundai - looks bored*

LuLu - seems shy**

Erin - weird right leg

Kara - leads with her chin

*OK, so I have come to the conclusion that this is just what Sundai does when she is called on to perform. She looks bored in front of the camera, and now on the catwalk. Either they are going to have to figure out a way to give her a shoot or challenge that accentuates "bored" or she is outta here.

**My favorite of all time load of crap "I'm not changing my walk, this is my signature walk." Your walk sucks, just like what's-her-fucking-name's walk sucked. CHANGE IT.

When the girls get home it becomes obvious that Bianca is not the only target for the Ashley/LuLu Bummer Train. Ashley talks trash about Brittany...sigh...

Sundai then decides to tell Bianca that Courtney talked shit on her. Did she? I don't really remember that ever happening. You think that maybe the producers would have shown that just to kinda make us like her even more (and there fore make her going home all the more tragic).

So, what does this mean about Sundai?

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

I think she kinda sucks. And I think she kinda agrees.

Ashley and LuLu pick on Bianca about her eyebrows and then ask her why she's giving them attitude. Maybe it's because you suck so hard. "So hard" because you are making me take Bianca's side.

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

Here's a good summary of these two: Ashley is so relaxed and enjoying herself because she doesn't have to do anything. LuLu will happily make herself the asshole of any situation by behaving/looking like an idiot. Talk about abusive relationships...

The nicest thing about the whole episode is that everyone gets what's going on with Ashley/LuLu. And they are over it.

Fashion Show: Walking with tall models

The girls must walk the runway, partnered with taller (normal sized) models. The winner gets a spread in 17 magazine for the Prom Issue.

Predictably, LuLu is too busy to focus on the challenge because she is talking so much shit.

Kinda reminds you of someone?

Turns out all that not paying attention really worked for them because, oh wait, it didn't.

Miss J and Anne Shoket called Ashley and Lulu out for doing a poor job. Bianca also got honorable mention for her stank face.

Brittany wins the challenge and picks Laura and Kara to go with her to the photo shoot. For some reason I wrote down that Kara is fucking weird, which is true, but I can't remember exactly why...

Later, during a touching Hot Tub moment Nicolle tries to get to the bottom of Bianca's attitude problem. Bianca sums it up by saying that she doesn't do "soft looks" because that's when you "get hurt." What?

Ashley becomes SUPER paranoid over anyone talking to Bianca and immediately ambushes Nicolle when she walks into the house. She calls her naive and claims that Nicolle just doesn't get that Bianca is a bad person. Which is great because Ashley doesn't know anything about Bianca and she's the bad person.

Photo Shoot: Looking taller

OK, why do they keep trying to make the girls look taller but continue to remind us that this is a special competition because all the girls are short?

(Do I even need to mention that LuLu started in - again - on Brittany? I think I should mention that Brittany doesn't even seem to notice that this is happening. How effective!)

Ashley

On the surface, she seems to have it together but look at the face: there's nothing there. I think I should also point out that last week's shot was Garbage.

Bianca

This is a pretty nice photo. Her face looks good, the pose is interesting and she's selling the clothes. Her only problem was scrunching her body up like that - it doesn't make her look tall at all.

Brittany

This is a terrible picture. Everything about it is silly and bad.

Erin

Again, this girl seems to have a Midas Touch. (Also, I want those shoes!)

Jennifer

This is a huge improvement from last week and a lovely photo to boot.

Kara

Best photo of the week? Maybe but I don't really think so. She also looks a bit muscular, which doesn't bother me as much as it normally bothers the judges.

Laura

This is only OK for me, which is sad because Laura should win this. For some reason sh just couldn't pull it out of the bag this time.

LuLu

After spending so much time not focusing on the photo shoot or the competition, we get this...

Nicolle

The judges freaked out over this one since it did exactly what they were asking for...and was not the Photo of the Week. That is Weak.

Rae

Here's another one that fell flat for me. She's forgetting her face and the pose is a little lingerie catalogue.

Sundai

Sundai Photo 5">

This is a nice photo because she doesn't look bored out of her mind. But the body is a little average for me.

I need to point out that LuLu has really made herself out to be quite an asshole. Whatever your thoughts or beliefs are, there's no reason to shit all over a person for thinking differently than you. So, even though Bianca's "Jesus is my homeboy" mini-speech was kinda whatever for me, I did not roll my eyes or call bullshit on her. Like LuLu did. Because LuLu is a nasty bitch.

Panel

(Guest Judge: Jamie Richar)

Tya graciously explains her method to her madness. She picked all the girls in this competition because they are all beautiful but she doesn't want people to pass them over just because they are shorter than the average model. So she is teaching them how to "be tall" so there's no excuses. Thanks Tyra!

Bianca manages to keep her mouth shut during the panel, which is probably why she's not in the bottom or on the Shit List.

Kara gets called first. Nicolle second. Erin third. Sundai fourth and Jennifer fifth. I'm happy that Jennifer is getting back on top.

Deathmatch: LuLu vs. Brittany

LuLu is supposedly the judges favorite girl to look at but her photos are sucking.

Brittany took a good photo last week but has been "inconsistent." In three weeks?

Going Home: who gives a shit since LuLu is the one to go home. I guess Karma really is a bitch, nice to know LuLu will have something to talk about during the ride home.

Of course, Ashley is fucking crushed but I'm sure she will move on and find someone else to puppeteer soon enough.

Next Week: Tyra shoots the girls! (I wish!)