The 83rd Annual Academy Awards
OK, kids. It's here - the big one! We begin with a count down of the ten nominated films, played out with some of the score from "The Social Network." SO GOOD. For the record, I did not see all the movies nominated this year; I saw "The Fighter", "Black Swan", "True Grit", "Inception", "The Social Network" and "Toy Story 3." I'm rooting for "The Fighter" all the way. As if that's going to happen (eye roll) ...
The opening comedy bit stars Anne Hathaway and James Franco, running through all the nominated films. They are trying to find out what the secret to hosting the Oscars is from Alec Baldwin's dreams? Dumb. Anne Hathaway mugs for the camera and James Franco just continues to WIN at everything. The funniest bits are: Morgan Freeman, James Franco's "What's up?" in "The King's Speech" and the whole "Black Swan" bit. Men in super gay tights is always funny. And Alec Baldwin. Always.
AND THEN IT ENDS WITH "BACK TO THE FUTURE" BECAUSE WHY NOT?
James comes out on stage with a phone and Anne comes out wearing a wedding dress, screaming with laughter. Someone gave her all of the happy pills. Why is Halle Berry sitting next to Hugh Jackman? Anne cracks about not getting nominated even though she got naked - was that a thing? I thought you always had to go ugly.
Anne Hathaway's mom is in the audience and she's really adorable and wearing a dress that's really appropriate. James' grandma is there and SHE IS SO CUTE. Love her joke about Marky Mark because: Marky Mark.
For some reason they kinda talk about "Gone with the Wind." Which, yeah, great film but, huh? What's the point? JUST HAND OUT THE AWARDS. Tom Hanks walks out and my blood pressure returns to normal. Side note: have you seen the skit he did on Jimmy Kimmel where he's a pageant dad?! SO GOOD.
Back to the show. What award is he giving out?! I have no idea because they keep showing garbage from other movies that were made a million years ago. "Titanic"? Really? No. Ah, Achievement in Art Direction. "Alice in Wonderland" is going to win this, just watch. YUP. Whatever. Tim Burton is so gross now. I only don't hate him because he puts babies in Helena Bonham Carter.
Next award: Achievement in Cinematography. It's the dude from "Inception", which is fine. He's really well known and very accomplished and the movie looked great. I wanted "True Grit" because it was so old school and lovely. What I love about this, though, is how he thanks Christopher Nolan in his speech. Because Nolan was totally snubbed and was denied a nomination for Best Director because the Academy is so terrible at living.
To hand out the award for Best Supporting Actress, we have Kirk Douglas. He's about 237 years old now, right? I love him though. He talks about how crazy he is about beautiful women. Awesome. I want Amy Adams to win this. Or Hallie Stienfeld. Though, Jackie Weaver scared the shit out of me in her little segment. And as much as I enjoyed Melissa Leo, I'm over it. Kirk drags things out a bit, kind of making fun of Australians. I am OK with this. It's Melissa Leo and she can't believe she won. Probably because she took out those super gross "for your consideration" ads that almost ruined her chances. It's an uneventful speech until she drops an "F Bomb. " Good for her.
My new girlfriend Mila Kunis and Sir Justin come out next. He wants us to believe that he's Banksy and I want you to believe that that is a super dumb ass joke. They are handing out awards for Best Animated Feature and Best Animated Short. Only two shorts look ask though they are hand drawn - whatever happened to drawing by hand? "The Lost Thing" wins and that's nice.
Not to ruin the suspense, but "Toy Story 3" wins for best Feature because there's no way in hell it's going to win for Best Picture.
Anne talks about the year 1929 and the first year of the Oscars. YAWN.
I wake up when Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem come out in ... waiters uniforms? They are giving out awards for Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Original Screenplay. I'd love for "True Grit" to take the prize but Aaron Sorkin gets the lollipop for "The Social Network." As for Best Original Screenplay, it's got to be "The Fighter" but ...it's "The King's Speech." Even though I haven't seen it, I know that the script was actually pretty personal for the writer and I commend him for an excellent script.
Anne mugs some more for the camera in an adorable tuxedo outfit that I would murder for. She sings a number making fun of Hugh Jackman. Aw, now I kinda feel bad for the guy. OVER IT. Then James comes out in Marilyn's dress from the "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" number.
Now we get Russel Brand and Helen Mirren. She, as always, looks ravishing. Brand is not as insufferable as he normally is. They are handing out the award for Best Foreign Language Film; I didn't see any of them but I am familiar with "Dogtooth", which sounded like the fucking craziest movie ever. Kinda wish it had won ... I think my favorite part about the Oscars is when my aunt said "You should write a foreign movie! The woman that won seemed American!" and she was, in fact, Dutch.
Reese Witherspoon comes out looking AMAZING to hand out the award for Best Supporting Actor. It's Christian Bale. I want him to put babies in me. I also want Mark Ruffalo to put babies in me, but I didn't see him in "The Kids Are Alright" so I can't say if he deserved it, or not. Christian's speech is solid and he behaves himself, which was nice. GOD DAMN he looks good! Best suit of the evening. Dickie and Mickey are there and it's nice to see them!
Two people from ABC come out and talk about how they want the Oscars to stay on ABC. DON'T CARE.
Anne is back in a new dress to announce Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman. STOP WITH ALL THE AUSTRALIANS. Ugh. The Star Wars theme gets played and I get goosebumps - always! They hand out the award for Best Original Score - how many of you thought it was going to be "Inception"? Well, it's not! It's fucking "The Social Network"!! As it should be - that music was to die for and Trent Reznor is so fetch.
ScarJo and Wooderson come out. They present the award for Best Sound Mixing and they keep saying "Sound" over and over again. STOP IT. It goes to the folks that worked on "Inception." Just so you know, this means that the movie isn't getting any of the fun awards tonight. And for Sound Editing? "Inception" - HERE'S YOUR BONE.
Marisa Tomei comes out to talk about how she was the token hot chick at the technical awards they did about a million months ago because no one cares about the nerds.
Cate Blanchete comes out to give the award in Achievement in Make Up. Her "that's gross" at "The Wolfman" is so awesome. She gets a free pass for being Australian. Rick Baker gets the award for "The Wolfman" even though it looks like everything was done with a Mac. Next is Achievement in Costume Design - um, it's going to be Coleen Atwood for "Alice in Wonderland", OK? Yup.
A bunch of regular people (RE: NOBODIES - except you, Mr. President) talk about all the songs from movies they love. Kevin Spacey introduces two of the songs that are nominated tonight. First is Randy Newman - yawn. Then Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi come out to sing some shit from a Disney movie. DON'T CARE.
Amy Adams and Jake ... I'm not even going to try to type that name, come out and announce the winner of Best Short Documentary. It's kinda nice they they pimp the films and tell everyone that they should see short films because it's true and I don't see enough shorts. Something called "Strangers No More" wins. Good for them! Best Live Action Short Film goes to the adorable looking "God of Love." And thank goodness because the guy that made it gives a very sweet speech.
There's a pretty funny skit about musicals. "Harry Potter", "Toy Story 3", "The Social Network" and "Twilight" get the Auto-Tune treatment and I am laughing.
Oprah comes out and I COULDN'T CARE LESS. She hands out Best Documentary, which goes to "Inside Job." I would have liked to see "Exit Through the Gift Shop" but no one gives a shit about street art anymore.
Billy Crystal comes out looking like a cautionary tale against too much plastic surgery. He's funny, of course. And he talks about Bob Hope and how awesome he was at hosting the Oscars. A weird CGI thing where old footage of Bob Hope with re-dubbed lines introduces Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law. They come out looking good and mugging for the camera and give out the award for Achievement in Visual Effects. "Inception", of course. And now Achievement in Film Editing, which goes to "The Social Network" - richly deserved!
James makes a weak joke about some of the movies sounding kinda dirty. I think he's as over this fucking show as I am. UGH. Two more original songs, announced by Jennifer Hudson. She looks amazing. But WHAT is up with her voice? Did she develop an accent? And why is she smiling like that?! What is going on?!?!
Florence (of Florence and the Machine) sings her song from "127 Hours." Is it just me or can you hear people making a bunch of noise off stage? Then it's time for Gweneth Paltrow to poorly sing her song from "Country Song." I still love her though. Randy Newman wins and gives an awesome speech! Good for him.
For the "Hey, did you know that so-and-so died?" segment, they break out the big guns: Celine Dion. It's great and all but THEY FORGOT COREY HAIM. A portrait of Lena Horn is the last on the screen and Halle Berry comes out to say a few nice words about her.
Another costume change for Anne. Hilary Swank comes out looking great to announce the winner of Best Director - or, not? She announces Katherine Bigelow, who will announce the Best Director. I still thinks Bigelow looks like a classier version of Jan from The Office. Anyway. Tom Hooper wins for "The King's Speech" - he looks like a younger, clean-shaven version of James Cameron. That has to gross out Bigelow, so much.
Now Anette Benning comes out (with much musical fanfare I might add) to talk about the Governor's Awards. That's nice! Kevin Brownlow, Eli Wallace and Francis Ford Coppola come out and are chuffed by they reception they get. You deserve it!!
Jeff Bridges comes out (from Grauman's Theater?) to present the award for Best Actress. I like this thing where they have the presenter say a few awesome words about each actor/actress. It's Natalie Portman, duh.
Now Sandra Bullock comes out to present the award for Best Actor. Man, she looks great. And she's funny as hell - of course! Colin Firth takes it, duh.
Steven Spielberg announces the Best Picture - "The King's Speech." YAWN.
IS THIS OVER YET?!?
Oh wait! The little inner city kids come out to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"! This is a nice cap to the evening.
All-in-all, not too shabby! Anne and James had their moments and there were a lot of solid entries this year. Things got a little predictable but, whatever, it's the Oscars.
Up Next: After the Oscars coverage (providing it's not super lame - and in that case, it'll be ANTM and Ghosthunters)!
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