ANTMAKEOVERS!

This is the much anticipated Make Over Episode. And it is a disappointment. Sorry to say that upfront, but it's totally the truth. But there is much Assholery, so at least we've got that!

We are reminded that Alex has been established as the Asshole of the house. Ondrei leaves because she didn't realize having two recent deaths in the family was too much to handle before joining the show. Aaaand ... that's it (?). Jesus, this show is really grasping at straws.

When the girls get home from panel, everyone takes a look at Hannah's digital art. She's so excited she puts her hair in her mouth. But before she can really enjoy this pointless moment, everyone notices a large ... thing on the window. A rope hangs from it with a tag attached that instructs them to "Pull Me." They run forward and squeal but hesitate to pull. Someone (Monique, I think?) finally works up the courage. The rope falls and a large sheet unravels - on it are a bunch of descriptions of hair. It's their make overs! Everyone screams their approval.
Alex hollers "short Dutch Boy" a few times. That should be your new ring tone. Sarah, in a sad sack one-on-one, states that she's pretty sure she's getting the "manly short brown spikes." She understands that she looks androgynous but she'd really like the option of looking feminine - give her a weave, or some extensions! Bitch, you're the one that showed up with a butch cut and a Rat Tail.
Dom worries about her confidence and hopes that a new look will help bolster it. Monique doesn't want a hair cut - she likes her hair the way it is; btw, this idiot is in second place for House Asshole. Jaclyn is revolted by the idea of blond hair - and who can blame her, it would look terrible. Brittani really, really, really wants the red hair.
Dalya and Molly talk about being in the bottom three. Wasn't Molly the first one called the first week?! I refuse to check on that. But she's competitive, so she's gonna bring it! Dalya just kinda sits there - way to go.

The next day everyone goes to a salon and are greeted by the J's. As usual, the girls will be treated to their make overs by someone that is light years beyond this show and they should be so lucky. And afterwards will be a photo shoot - it's for the screen shot of everyone at the end of the episode, when the loser fades away. As great as all this is, the girls are visibly nervous.
Brittani gets the Dutch Boy hair cut, with black coloring. First of all: FIERCE. Second of all, she takes it in stride. The girl has long brown hair, so this is quite a change for her; but she points out that everyone here is a professional and does this for a living, so she's fine in their hands. GOOD GIRL.
Jaclyn hardly gets a make over: big, girly and curly. Lame. But then Miss J comes up and is like "you know, there's a razor waiting for you back there" (where ever back there is) and Jaclyn is freaked out. But she takes it in stride and is all "OK" but then Miss J yells "PSYCH" and all is well. Oh, you!
Monique get more hair (add a few gentle waves). Oof. This fucking girl. "Yeay, I get my way! I always get my way." Does your way ever include me smacking you in the god damned mouth? She's so gross - the more of her I see, the more she looks like Megan Fox to me. And she's kinda sounding like a stoned version of her too.
Sarah watches, dead eyed, as they snip off her Rat Tail. Thank you, Baby Jesus. She asks if "you want to lick it." If there was ever something I didn't want to lick, that would be it. Predictably, she's getting the manly short brown spikes. Though she was holding out hope for the weave. But she keeps a stiff upper lip and explains that she gets it and will work it.
Ah, Alexandria ... she gets her roots touched up, which is good. And some hair is added. Now, I agree with her when she points out that it's looking a little shitty. There are some flat pieces and there are some squished pieces. But the way she went about bringing this to the weavologists (is that a word?) attention was downright nasty. She had that "I just smelled dookie" look on her face the entire time she was explaining the problem. There wasn't much wrong with what she was saying - it was the way she said it. Huh, where have we heard that before? Anyway, it's great that she stood up and said something but it's sucky that she started crying. Because there's no crying in modeling, OK? Everyone rolls their eyes at her and does their best to ignore how bullshitty the whole thing is.
Dom is getting kinky red hair with matching eyebrows. To her credit, she's game when she sits down, even when she sees the nasty color and extensions sitting next to her. But once that color goes in, she loses it. Can't blame a girl. Mr. Jay chastises her for trying to control everything, which, really? Isn't that their go-to argument for everything? Either way, she deals with it.
Molly is getting a blond curly weave and within seconds we can tell something is really wrong. First off, Molly's hair is really fine and lays flat on her head, so it's harder to do this kind of thing with (great idea, Tyra!). Second of all, the stuff their sewing to her head looks like shit. Is that yarn? And third of all, they can't even get the net to hold on her head, so they create a basket weave on her head - which they sew the net to - which is what the actual weave is sewn to. (......) It just keeps getting worse and the owner of the salon comes over to look at. He is pretty pissed and notes that it's really shitty and he doesn't want his name on it.
Mikela gets another non-make over with long black extentions. They spend almost zero time on her, which doesn't bode well.
Kasia gets wild crazy crimped hair. She loves this since she's also wild and crazy! Is she also crimped? They spend a little more time on her, but that's probably because she's the fatty.
Dalya is also getting a weave, but this one actually looks good. "Long, black and straight" is her look. Basically, the Naomi. Another nano interview.
Hannah got some highlights and lightened eyebrows (officially "dirty blonde and big waves"), it looks good on her but it's hardly a change.
Back to Molly! The owner really gives it a try and makes the best of it. Mr. J tries to sell her on what has clearly been a disaster, reminding her that Tyra wanted her to have this look. Well, Tyra is the King of the Assholes, so big whoop.

On the way home Molly is simmering. She is really pissed off. To her credit, she doesn't really take it out on anyone but just bitches about it. Alex, belatedly, tells her that she should have followed suit and stood up when she realized something was wrong. Thanks for the advice! Eventually everyone, even Molly, kinda laughs about it. As long as she sticks around, it'll get fixed, which is why no one really seems to care.
TYRA MAIL! "Tomorrow, you will learn all about photosynthesis."
Yes, these bitches could stand to go back to the 5th grade. Sarah thinks they will be dressed as flowers, which is cute. But then she mopes about the hair cut. Her reasoning is fairly sound: she's surrounded by beautiful femmy-looking gals. It's intimidating. Deal with it.

The girls arrive at some ranch and are surrounded by beautiful flowers and plants .... so, photosynthesis? Some famous fashion photographer and stylist are there and the girls kinda stand around not knowing who they are, though Monique claims to be excited in a one-on-one. Anyway, turns out everyone will be in coture but they will also be paired up for the shoot. (Sad Trombone)
First up is Molly and Kashia. I like Molly's outfit, though Kasia's is kinda too fluffy for me. It starts out a little weird but they warm up.
Back in hair and make up, Alex is being tended to. The hair dude is trying to be gentle with her because she claims her hair/scalp is sensitive. So sensitive she does the limp noodle when he tries to brush out her hair. I'm getting Melrose flashbacks. Anyone else getting Melrose flashbacks? Bitch was a DIVA right off the bat and-oh shit. Ohshitohshitohshit. Is Alex just another Melrose?! Come on ANTM!
Anyway. She gets soooo "stressed out" that a pimple pops up on her lip. Outside, Alex and Monique sit awkwardly, waiting for the photographer. I love that they stick these two dipsits together. And, I must wonder: what's it like to go through life being such an asshole? The photographer notices this and takes note. Poor Monique has no way to handle this and it ends up effecting her performance - Alex is just fine, of course. Mr. J notes that when Monique doesn't get her way she pouts "pooh-pooh!", which is true; normally I'd try to stick up for her and remind that it's kind of Alex's fault but, whatever, Monique sucks.
Next up is Sarah and Mikaela and they are in some uuuugly looking clothes. The girls are best buds for life, which should make this easier. Except both are morons and Mikaela can't keep her eyes open.
Brittani and Hannah are having trouble making it believable, which frustrates Brittani.
The last group is Jaclyn, Dalya and Dom. And I agree that Dom is not in it to win it. When Mr. J asks what she's thinking, she says that she has no thoughts. Oh, come on. Have you ever watched this show before?! Never say that. She needs inspiration! Dom interviews (in a ridiculous outfit) that she's inspired by a lot of stuff! Like ... (shrug). Methinks we have another Anne on our hands. Fuuuuuu ...

Tyra Mail of Death reminds the girls that tomorrow is panel. Sarah is nervous. Monique is frustrated that they didn't get any positive feedback - you are? Alex doesn't care either way because she knows she did a great job and was the one psyching out Monique, not the other way around. Molly, comically, bitches some more about her hair, which sends Alex into fits of laughter. Which scares the other girls. You can't blame them because bitch is scarrrrrrry.
(Amazing moment in life: Alex reads a book called "God Calling" with the most "the fuck is this shit?" look on her face)

Pre-panel footage is boring. There are judges and prizes.
Let's start with Monique and Alex. Tyra asks how it went and they awkwardly say it went well. The photo is pretty good. Monique is odd but good looking. Alex looks better though but the photographer calls her out for being a shit head.
Next is Brittani and Hannah. Tyra love Brittani's make over. The photo is awesome. And Tyra likes that they were working together; though that's not really the challenge, right? One girl was supposed to stand out, yeah?
Then it's the threesome of Dalya, Jaclyn and Dom. They all like Dalya and Jaclyn but everyone thinks that Dom is kind of a sore thumb. The panel tries to pump her up, which is nice.
Mikaela and Sarah are next and it's shitty. Mikaela's eyes are closed and Sarah looks blank. Barf.
Finally we have Kasia and Molly. She shows off her horrible weave and Tyra agrees that it needs tending. Luckily, she looks great in the photo, so she will be getting the work. Kasia looks good, though Nigel thinks her mouth is too dark inside (?).

Best photo goes to ... Alexandria! Alright! Way to reward the Assholes!
Then we have Molly, Brittani, Kasia, Jaclyn, Hannah, Monique, Dalya, Mikaela.
It's Sarah vs. Dom!
So ... both are beautiful girls. But they are also both "quirky." Sarah has potential but lacks confidence. Dom is interesting but can't seem to make it.
Sarah stays.
Bye, Dom. I really liked you! She promises that she's going to hit up every modeling agency but Tyra warns that she needs to practice a little more first.

Next Week: FIRE. And a coffee commercial.