Friday, March 11, 2011

ANTM - Episode BEES!

I had to tear myself away from watching the news footage of Japan right now. Those guys got ROCKED by an 8.8 level earthquake and even though there's shit on fire and shit under water, those cats are just doing their thing. Not only are people just going about their day, they are doing it during after shocks and all the other shenanigans that are going on. And you have to remember that these folks are in a "ring of fire" of earthquakes, so they know what's up; a lot of the buildings are reinforced and they all have wicked emergency plans in case of terrible everything. So, yeah, go ahead with your tentacle rape and used panty vending machines - you people earned 'em. LIKE A BOSS.

Last week we were introduced to all the girls. There wasn't much of a photo shoot but there was a wicked awesome walking challenge! Angelia was sent home because Tyra just knew that girl bothered me. Later! Now, let's see what's in store for us this week ...

The girls come home to Molly's digital art. She's the adopted one. Wait, there was an adopted one? Alexandria tries to give Nicole a pep talk about not looking like a Debbie Downer during panel. Well, you can't blame the girl: this is the same bitch that Tyra said looked like an old hag in her photos. Who wants to hear that? And in typical Alexandria fashion, she's an asshole about it. Anyway, Nicole is a perfectionist so she's going to work on looking more youthful this week. OK, whatever.
Dominique and Ondrei chillax on the couch with some pizza and beverages. It's what Dom has been waiting for all day. She strikes up a conversation with Ondrei asking if she has any brothers and sisters. Why, yes! She does-ish! Two brothers! And they're dead! The look on Dom's face says it all ("the fuck you taking about?"). One was in a car accident and the other was murdered. That's ... terrible. And both died just before her prom. Which was only a few months ago. WHAT.
Everyone listening is kinda surprised that she's even in the competition. Bitches are just jealous! Ondrei is fierce looking and they know it. That's terrible. I'll shut up now. Dayla wonders what dealing with that would even be like; she's really close with her family and she still lives at home with them. Being away from them is hard but has made her a more independent person. No, duh. That's kind of what happens when you move away from your folks and do shit by yourself.

The next day everyone is lounging around the house as Dom shows them her "model diet": Cup o' Noodles, chips, other garbage that I can't believe she eats and is that skinny anyway. What a perfect opportunity for Tyra and some tiny white lady to show up dressed like assholes, in chef's hats. Tyra is the Swedish Chef.

Except, this time, she's using a terrible French accent. She stumble through her super easy teach about how she's brought a nutritionist with her to show the girls how to eat healthy. There's a less than enthused "oh!" from the group. So, there's all sorts of foods that everyone just totally knows are bad for you (everything that tastes awesome) but there are some things that may seem bad but, in moderation, can be a great meal for you. Ugh. OK. It's common sense. Just don't eat a lot of garbage. The nutritionist calls these things "cheaties." I call them "dumb."
Let's see how obvious this is going to be, shall we? What's better: spaghetti and meatballs or Eggplant Parmesan? It's the spaghetti. You know why? BECAUSE EGGPLANT PARMESAN IS FRIED. Also, eggplant is kinda porous, so it will soak up the oil AND, OH, YEAH - IT'S FRIED. With spaghetti and meatballs, you get some red sauce and a little protein - which gives you a shiny coat!
How about: wheat bagel with cream cheese or wheat waffle with peanut butter? I guess it's kind of a tough one except that we know bagels are never a good choice. Dude, it's NEVER bagels. Besides, the waffle is wheat and peanut butter also has protein and it's got the good fat. Plus, it's a lot more filling, so you won't be scrounging for something in an hour or so.
Apparently there were a million other dishes the tiny white lady showed the girls but we were not privileged to. Whatever. Like I wanted to actually learn something about healthy and delicious eating.
In the kitchen, later that day, Monique and Jaclyn decide to make a "celebration feast." But the fiesta is cut short when they stumble upon some raw chicken marinating in BBQ sauce. Oh, yeah, it's in a plastic bowl with foil loosely covering it. NASTY. Seriously, how stupid are you that you do that? Alexandria wanders in and eyeballs the chicken. It's hers. She doesn't say it, but it's hers. Come on! She eyeballs it and says "this was supposed to be in the fridge" but it's kind of hard to hear a question mark at the end of that statement. I think she meant to put one there but, clearly, is too dumb to remember to do that. Either way: he who smelt it, dealt it. And she looks like a nasty bitch, so you know she wouldn't have considered the health problems associated with raw chicken just chilling out in the open.
Dalya, who is, like, 25 (or whatever) and thinks she needs to be the mom here, says to everyone in general that "if you're not going to eat it, right away, it needs to be put in a freezer bag and p-" then she gets cut off by Alexandria who has a problem with other people talking, in general. "Um, please don't talk to me like that. I don't need a lesson about chicken! I know about chicken!" Then do it right, you dumb bitch. You know, my ex did that: start a pissy little sentence with "um" whenever he wanted to throw a tantrum. And really, Dalya was talking to everyone - not just Alexandria. Which is another reason why I think (know) it was her chicken. They keep bickering with each other while all the other girls just stand around, looking wicked uncomfortable. I think Alexandria thought some of the girls were going to join in and start screaming with her (obviously she's watched the show), so it just kind of fizzles out when they don't.
In a one-on-one, Dalya explains that she doesn't like confrontations. She says this in a shaky voice. I'm sorry Dalya, but you are not going to last on this show for very long. Anyway, Alexandria keeps harping on the subject and Monique points out that all Dalya did was just show her the chicken. According to Alexandria, it's the way she did it that annoyed her. Alexandria? It's the way you do everything that annoys me. Whatever, I'm over it now. NEXT!
Also, this is Alexandria:

(hey, at least she gets to be the Charlize Theron version!)

"Tomorrow you will face your worst critic" Love, Tyra.
The girls are greeted by Nigel at some theater - there are theaters in LA? Acting is really super important in modeling because you have to act to sell a product to the consumer. OK ... A creepy looking acting coach appears and tells them they will be facing their Inner Critic today. In an acting challenge? The girls get to draw their inner critic so they can cry and yell at it. WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING. Other than getting me to laugh at these girls. Nigel thinks that by making the girls cry and talk about some really uncomfortable things, they will let down their walls and expose themselves so they will have more intimate photo shoots. Nigel is a fucking perv.
First up is Molly. Her Inner Critic gets her crying right away. The Inner Critic tells her that her mother gave her away (adopted, remember? Me neither ...) because she wanted to (well, duh). And that's it. Then there's Nicole, who's Inner Critic tells her she's not good enough for anything but Nicole thinks she is! You go girl! Oh, christ. It's Jaclyn. I'm sorry. I can't take her seriously. Moving on. Then it's Ondrei's turn and she just looses it. I think she's starting to realize that having both brothers killed so recently is pretty freaking heavy and she might need to take a little more time to process it.
For crying and telling secrets, the girls get JEWELRY! It makes everything better.
Back at the house, Ondrei gets serious and starts to think about whether or not if she should be there. She calls her boyfriend and he tells her that, no matter what, her family is 100% behind her. Sounds like a good guy, Ondrei!

The next day the girls get ready for their photo shoot. Alex (I don't like her enough to give her a nickname but I am so done with typing out Alexandria) manages to stab herself in the eye while putting on make up. I wonder what it's like to go through life with Karma spitting in your face every single moment of the day? They get bussed to Smashbox where Mr. Jay waits for them.
The photo shoot is ... dumb. WHAT. IS. THIS. The girls will wear jewelry that has pheromones to attract the bees. None of this makes sense. The make up is weird, too. Jaclyn is allergic to bees - awesome! Did she tell someone? I hope not. So, everyone gets cotton stuffed into their ears and nose so none of the bugs crawl in there. The mouth? You're on your own sisters!
For the most part, it's kind of a 50/50 situation. Most of the girls seemed to realize they had to suck it up because the bees weren't going anywhere. In an annoying bid for airtime, Monique bitches about Hanna crying. Honey, she's crying because Jay asked her to talk about all the shit she cried about yesterday - so, no duh. And it didn't effect her performance because she still modeled and busted it out. So, no, she's not "pathetic." You are. NEXT.
Back at home, Ondrei decides that she does, in fact, want to go home. Monique gets one my nerves, further: in a one-on-one, she claims that Ondrei should have known better than to join the show. Bitch. Shut. Up. Let's run over of your brothers over with a car crash and murder the other one. How logical and straight thinking do you think you'll be? You are the worst.

Back Stage Tyra flits around getting ready for panel. Something about getting dressed because she's been on a plane or will be on a plane. I'm done. Stick a fork in her. Prizes, judges, Alek Wek is the guest judge today. She's looooovely!
And now it's time for my heart to break. Ondrei, looking like a million bucks, tells the judges that she can't be here right now. I don't think Tyra is happy with it but she seems to know that you can't scream at a girl who just had two siblings killed. Ondrei leaves but her picture stays in the competition; her photo will be judged and if it's the worst, then no one will go home. But that's not going to happen because that never happens. God damnit.
Kasia has a lovely photo. Mikaela looks good in person and has a solid photo - her eyes are a little dead. Dom has a lovely photo but it's only one of the few good ones. Brittni has an odd looking but awesome photo. Jaclyn has an awesome profile but her hands looks fucking weird. Dalya's photo is interesting but only because her eyes are closed; turns out she's got crazy eyes. Alex cribs a Jim Morrison arms out pose and it's pretty good. Sarah is bland in her photo but cute in person. Molly's photo is great though Nigel thinks it's bland. Nicole's turn! Buhhhh ... she looks old. You know, she's not that great and she looks old in person. NEXT. Hannah's got the best photo and I love it and I want to marry it. Finally, Monique: it's a great photo and it gives ATL a stroke. He jabbers on about Shanghi and being in Shanghi and ohmygodjuststop. Even Tyra was looking at him like "Whuuuuut?" Apparently Monique looks like Shalome Harlow? All I see is a fat Megan Fox.

Trya's teasing us! How many photos does she have! We shall find out ... but first, the photos.
Hannah is called first. So stuff it, Monique.
It's down to Nicole and Dalya. They are both beautiful but Nicole photographs old. Dalya is inconsistent. What about Ondrei's photo? It's not the worst. Oof. So, Nicole goes home. Bye bye, grandma!


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