In my opinion, ANTM peaked with Cycle 6. Where do you go once you've introduced Jade to the world? Down. That's where you go. And, as nature insists, you should be able to work your way back up once you've hit rock bottom. But I don't think ANTM has made it that far - yet. It's going to happen but I just have no idea when. The small changes Tyra and her team of minions have made to the shows format indicate they know the show is getting stale - especially when they refuse to be in on the joke (none of these poor girls ever make it and to insist that you finally have "high fashion" cred now is a little embarrassing).
Whatever the future holds for ANTM (and by extension: fame-hungry, skinny, unwed mothers) has yet to be seen, so in the meantime let's try to make the best of a shaky situation and laugh directly at everything we see (because we sure as shit ain't laughing with any of these idiots)!
TYRA TYRA TYRA
Is how this Cycle begins. Tyra is sort of like that snake eating it's own tail, right? A never-ending circle of hopelessness. Or Cthulhu. I'm still not sure. Anyway. She bids us to sit a spell and listen as she explains the changes she's made to the show. You all have come to expect meeting a slew of mentally-deficient (and malnourished) (and disillusioned) young girls screaming for a chance at fame. They tearfully tell their stories to the camera and a panel of Tyra, Ms. J and Mr. Jay.
We laugh.
NOT THIS CYCLE.
Tyra illustrates the idiots that we usually see: a bubbly blond dressed sort of like a cartoon version of Paris Hilton (which: same thing?), screaming about wanting to be America's Next Top Model! A a loud-mouthed black chick, which, if I may pause for a second? Tyra, you see this too - right? I mean, you chose these girls and let them stand in front of the cameras or even put them on the show. So you know what's happening. Are you making fun of them? I'm going to say: that's racist. Tyra was racist with Danni (in Cycle 6!), with all that talk about Danni's accent. And now she's picking on a stereotype that, yes, exists - but shouldn't be glorified BY PUTTING THEM ON HER SHOW AND GIVING THEM AIR TIME. Ugh. And finally ... what the fuck is this? A ... goth chick? Maybe? What's happening? Am I being Punk'd? I think I forgot to mention that Tyra (of course) is dressed as all these girls and is the one acting out their personalities. So we get to see Tyra dressed in something that would be 75% off at Hot Topic screaming and mugging for the camera. I guess she's talking about all the artsy-fartsy types that have come and gone on ANTM - but there have never been any girls like this. What show is she watching? Then she wags her tongue at the camera and my vagina turns to sand.
All of this is to say: Tyra is "throwing casting week out the window!" BULLSHIT. The final 14 will move into their new digs within the first 10 minutes of the show, which only means we get to watch more of their garbage and, hopefully (not hopefully) get to know them a little better/quicker. Fine. FINE TYRA.
Now, here's the Same Old Shit part. Instead of just announcing this to the girls and acting like a normal human being. Tyra decides to Punk the girls (oh, well, at least someone is getting Punk'd - is that show even still on?) by concocting this whole elaborate ... thing. She's going to tell the 14 finalists that they are out of the competition? Even though they are in the competition? Cue footage of mildly attractive girls crying!
Why all this Tom-foolery?! Tyra claims they felt it was time to get real. I've been screaming that phrase at my TV for several years now, Ty-Ty. She kind of has a point though: in modeling, you're more likely to get rejected than signed or highered right off the bat. Hell, even Tyra was turned down by 6 different agency's before she was signed. So: OK.
Cue more footage of girls crying: one chick starts to have a panic attack! Another has the squeakiest voice on earth - seriously, Minnie Mouse is like "Bitch stole my voice!"! We also get to meet the House Asshole.
Cut to LAX, where all the girls are getting dropped off. On the airport runway, The J's evaluate the girls' walk. Tyra only points out the girls that are going through to the show. I need to take a moment here - one of the girls is a plus-size model and she's pretty enough, but her walk is SHIT. We all know that plus-size girls on this show are, like, a size 8? Right? And this chick is no different. But she walks like a fat girl. I know that sounds really harsh - but I'm a big girl and I've been bigger, so I know a Fat Girl Walk when I see one. Tsk, tsk. Then they start taking photos. We meet a goofy-looking girl with a RAT TAIL.
Everyone is ushered to a roof top after meeting and screaming with Tyra. Behind the scenes, Tyra and Co. chose their Final 14, which are:
Freckle-faced Dominique (who I said was gross. Sorry, Dom but the photo the CW put up was not flattering.)
Fiercely Real Kasia (the plus-size girl. Around the time I got to discussing her photo, I was so sick of it all.)
Petite Ondrei (I actually liked her! And I still do!)
Feisty Blond Alexandria (there wasn't much observation made about her except my hope that she would be a bitch - looks like dreams can come true!)
Sexy Mama Monique (I noted that one of her favorite hobbies is bubble baths - and I stand by that.)
Elegant Nicole (I had noted that she looked a little like Molly Sims but that was probably just the make up.)
Quirky Sarah (what I like about this chick is that she lives up to her expectations: I thought she looked a bit retarded and I think that may just be the case.)
Hippie Hannah (there is no love for hippies in my house, so if this holds true I hope she gets kicked off right away.)
Golden-haired Molly ("golden-haired"? That's all you've got? "She's blond, folks!" Tyra has a way with words.)
Baby-face Jaclyn (in my original post, I noted that she looked a little like Rachel Bilson - which is great. But now I know that it's all make up and hair. This bitch is ANNOYING.)
Brittani from the Block (oh yeah?)
Regal Dalya (basically, Tyra is running out of things to say and she had to describe the level-headed and attractive black girl. Regal it is!)
Edgy Mikaela (not sure about edgy. I mean, I was getting fed up by the time I got her photo anyway.)
Sassy Angelia (but she looks so freaking bland! OK, maybe not totally vanilla. But at least Tahitian Vanilla?)
The J's come out, screaming. OK, well, it was only Ms. J but, still. Now the girls scream. EVERYBODY! They hand all the girls envelopes and Mr. Jay drops the bomb on them. WITH A TWIST. Of lime? No. I have all the lime because I'm going to need it for all the gin I have that I need to put in me so I can get through this. He tells them that Tyra has already decided who will stay and who will go - and they will know by opening those envelopes. If your picture is in there, you stay. If it's blank, you go. Cue the girls tearing into the envelopes and the screaming. (I LOVE the stock footage of some one's hand opening an envelope and looking at a photo - did we need that? No. And by no, I mean: yes.)
Brittani says to the camera that she has nothing now. Well, you know? You are on a roof top and you are standing right by a ledge. Want to make TV history? I kid, I kid! Alexandria takes it well. Nicole is bummed, as is Monique. Jaclyn squeaks to a few girls.
The girls are taken to a room to collect their luggage. Tyra comes in and talks to the girls about rejection. And then reveals that she's a mean person by telling them (screaming at them) they are home! A curtain drops and reveals their swanky new digs! As usual - it's awesome. CUE THE SCREAMING. Dalya falls down and Tyra struggles to help her up. Sarah cries till she's red in the face. And Tyra mugs for the camera. Even when she's not in the room, she mugs for the camera: since this is Cycle 16, there are photos of her all over the house when she was 16 ... yuck.
Anyway. Everyone starts unpacking and dancing and acting the fool(s). Brittani, taking more screen time than I'd prefer, tells us she lives in trailer park. Dominique calls a house meeting. She explains that if you have a little ceramic elephant in your hand, you have the floor. OK, granted, she's a little sassy when she says it (which is so wrong because Angelia is the sassy one - Dom, you are simply freckle-faced) but there's no reason for Alexandria to jump in and out-asshole her from the get-go. Not sure if there was anything else they discussed during this meeting, but all we hear about is the lack of sufficient beds. Two people don't have beds! Two!
That same night the girls get Tyra Mail. "Let's get the ball rolling! Love, Tyra!" Will they be modeling bowling shoes? Or just going to a bowling alley? Oh! Maybe they are going to a ball! But those are the only things that could happen - nothing else. Nope. That's it!
The next day everyone gets bussed to a gorgeous house in Malibu. They are greeted by Mr. Jay and Erin Wasson. She's a model, stylist and jewelry designer. Mr. Jay announces they will be doing a runway show. Erin explains they will be wearing A. Wang (LOL) and her jewelry. Everyone is very excited. Until Mr. Jay tells them the catch: they will be walking on a 12"-wide walk way over a pool ... in a plastic ball. Jaclyn is worried that she won't be able to open the ball and, therefor, will be stuck in there for the rest of her life. On top of all this they will be photographed, behind the scenes, by Russell James. He's got a great, rugged look to him and then he opens his mouth. An Australian accent? No thanks.
The girls are done up while Russell snaps photos of them. Mr. Jay wanders around and talks to the girls about, whatever. Alexandria explains to us that she has "natural swag." I notice that Kasia has some teeny boobs, which is a bummer. All-in-all, the photo shoot is a little bland. I'm just waiting for the runway.
After being called "busted up" by Ms. J, the girls are sent out in their bubbles. The bubbles are filled with confetti. It's really hard to see the clothing, which is actually OK because it's all pretty boring-looking. Ondrei is the first to fall!
Back from commercial, we get a replay of Ondrei's fall. I love her yelp during mid-fall. She fumbles her way back out of the water, totally embarrassed. Poor thing. Sarah almost spills but saves it. Dalya struts with her hands on her hips for balance and Mr. Jay makes fun of her. What a dick. Brittani werks it - you better earn that ticket out of the trailer park, girlfriend! Angelia jokes that if she wasn't on a 12" runway stuffed in a bubble, she could show you her stuff! Sorry to get all Tyra, but, that's the point. Right? Dumb ass. I dislike her more and more. Dominique is pretty sure she had a defective bubble (but I'm pretty sure everyone had the same bubble, which - gross). I'm sure she's sure of this because she falls on her ass half-way back to land. Whoopsie. After fumbling around for about an hour and mugging as much as possible, she makes it out of the water.
With everyone out of the bubbles and on dry land, The J's tear into them. Mr. Jay can't wait to bitch about Dalya putting her hands on her hips - claiming that it's never been in fashion. First of all: nope. People do that, asshole. Tyra did it. Hell, she made Danni do it when Danni was the lead during the Cycle 7 finale. WATCH THE SHOW YOU'RE ON. Brittani gets congratulated on her good walk. Erin gifts them with jewelry, which is really nice. I expected this to be a challenge where someone would win some awesome stuff (Erin Wasson jewelry) and then there would be a loser.
Back at the loft, the girls get Tyra Mail of Death. They are reminded by this that someone will be going home. DO YOU REALLY NEED TO BE REMINDED OF THIS? Whatever.
Alexandria mumbles her way through a shitty pep talk for Jaclyn. They practice runway. In Uggs. Then Alexandria (in a one-on-one) makes an excellent point: "How can you not know this is stuff you're supposed to ... know!" As stupid as she sounds, she right. "Do your homework, girl!" is also correct. All of these broads should know how to walk and pose by the time they get to panel. Jaclyn complains that she feels like Alexandria is her mother. Gross.
Behind the scenes, pre-panel, Tray comes out in the worst t-shirt ever. It's got Andre's face on it, drawn, in what looks like, marker. By a 7-year old. Andre squeals and thanks Tyra and hugs her. With the girls in the room, Tyra reminds everyone that they are high fashion now! Nigel and Andre are there to judge, of course. And Erin has joined them as the guest judge. The prizes are: $100,000 contract with Cover Girl, a contract with IMG, a spread in Italian Vogue, and the cover of Beauty in Vogue. You also get featured on Vogue Italia's website!
Time to go look at the photos! Alexandria is up first - she looks great in the photo. Even though it's a profile shot, the picture looks very fierce. Next, Dalya - it's nice. She looks lovely, of course, but it's not dynamic. Nicole walks up and Tyra screams about finding her on Tyra's website. Ugh. Anyway, the photo - it's whatever. In fact, I can barely see her in it. According to Tyra, she photographs much older than she looks, which is not a good thing. Sarah is up next - it's alright. Tyra points out Sarah's androgyny and how awesome it is - Sarah doesn't seem as sure. Ondrei comes up - the photo is fine. Angelia looks messy in front of panel - and her photo is way too Khloe Kardashian. Hannah shyly walk up - her photo is a group shot and she really pops. Kasia bounds up and Tyra explains that she is the plus-size girl - the photo is blah. Monique shoves her way to the panel - the photo is nice and she looks lovely. Mikaela comes up - her photo is great. Even though she's not it the foreground, she pops. Dominique comes up and everyone talks about her hilarious fall at the runway - her photo is whatever, but she does look great. Jaclyn hams up her Southern fried accent - the photo is great but it was the only good shot. Whoops! Molly comes up in a midriff-baring top that Andre and Tyra are not please with. In fact, it sends Andre into a fit so deep that he speaks a dialect of Gay I have never heard before - and I am fluent in most! The photo is nice, though. Finally, we have Brittani. She lumbers up with her tongue out and Nigel is a little freaked out. They all make her take a cute little feather thing in her hair out. Her photo is thebomb.com, though.
The judges deliberate, blahblahblah. I'm already sick of Tyra's voice and it's only the first episode.
Tyra calls Molly first - despite her shitty top, that photo was awesome. Everyone else takes their picture and steps to the side. Finally, we are left with Dominique and
So, there we go! What did you think? And how excited are you for the next episode? THERE WILL BE BEES!!
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