Why do I do this to myself?

So, I really only follow a few reality tv shows and I only recap one of them (ANTM, duh) but recently I started watching a new show on SyFy called WCG Ultimate Gamer. The reason I began following it is that I know two people on it: Faye Mata and Justin Wong. Both were in the short film I just wrapped on and both are darling people. I felt it was my patriotic duty to watch and show some love. Little did I know just how tailor-made this show is for me!

Almost everyone on it looks pretty old, especially when you consider that they all play video games for a living. And, OK, OK, I know that video games aren't exclusive to kids anymore but really, grow up. Get a hair cut. Get a real job. Except, the winner will get $100,000, so what do I know?! The oldness factor is always a boon to a reality show: people have chips on their shoulders or just live a little too hard. Either way: entertainment.

And as far as I can tell, the challenges are designed to embarrass and humiliate. So I'm all for that. And? DRAMA. Already there is a shit stirrer! It's a girl fight, or should I say Kat fight? Two of the house girls, Kat and Vanessa have a history and Kat is more than happy to capitalize on it. Love! Kat literally looks DIRECTLY at the camera when she calls Vanessa over to start something. LOOVE!!

I'm dubious of how dramatic this is going to get because Kat plays it safe and asks why Vanessa doesn't "say hi" to her at competitions. Um, what? OK, nevermind, it's all good. Vanessa tries to be cool about it and says that they just don't click "personality-wise" and then adds a "homey" to it. Kat tells her not to call her homey and then suggests Vanessa doesn't like her because Kat stole her boyfriend. STOLE HER BOYFRIEND.

Vanessa is such a pussy. This is all high school bullshit here and it's obvious that Kat is the Alpha Female. She kinda reminds me of Juliette Lewis in "Whip It" -

Here is Kat intimidating Vanessa.

Vanessa, barf. In reference to her stolen boyfriend "Well, I didn't like him anyway" Oh shut up and start your period already.

There's also some idiot on the show with hipster hair that everyone thinks is weak-sauce. I just think he's a moron. Which means he'll probably take the whole thing.

Anyway, every week the contestants have to do "Real Life Challenges", which is what I am most excited about. It's pretty awesome: the producers of the show take typical game scenarios and put them in a real life context. The contestants have to perform and win the challenge to stay out of the Elimination Challenge. Trust me, this is easy.

This week's challenge is Tekken 6. That camera whips to Justin because he is THE fighting game champion. And even though he's a Street Fighter man, all the way, Tekken is a fighting game he's good at. Alright. So Tekken has a lot of "high flying" martial arts in it, very Hong Kong cinema, which means the contestants will be hoisted up into the air and set to beat each other up. I hope someone hurls.

Let me just point out that I already knew Faye was adorable but this show drives it home. She hasn't had much screen time but she always seems to be somewhere in the background, visible in the shot. She's an Anime character, for reals. And I really lover her because she's like Cycle 10's Anya but, like, not a total 'tard. Or a 'tard at all!

Edit: turns out they will NOT be beating the shit out of each other. Two Fighters will attempt to pull orbs off each others suits and then drop them to the ground. At ground level is a Catcher, who must (duh) catch the orbs. OMG. This is so Double Dare!!!

Kelly Hu shows up and says that wire work is "deceptively difficult", which, huh?

At this point I don't really care much about anyone besides Faye and Justin, so I'm only going to mention the most dumb assed things that come up. Which, right off the bat is Ryan (with the hipster hair) saying he was "taken by storm" when they started hoisting him up. Dude, it's "taken aback", unless he's trying to do a play on words for WoW or something. Either way: dumb.

I was a little bummed that everyone just kind of flailed around instead of actually kicking and punching each other.

Some guy named Yaz (which is just so wonderful since I enjoy having a regular monthly cycle) is nervous because he's doing this in front of Kelley Hu because she does this for a living. Way to minimalize her acting career.

Faye gets to fight! She gets suited up in a neon green helmet and calls herself a Ninja Turtle. Then, when she's hoisted ut she busts out a total Trinity pose to psyche out her opponent. Jobless Fatty AJ is totally turned on. As am I! The producers turn on the sprinklers and it totally throws Faye off. That makes me sad. On top of that, the other team (the one Justin is on!) wins and Faye's team is in last place. So they will have to fight it out.

On a side note: Vanessa is delighted about her team's win because it means she "beat" Kat. Even though she didn't do a fucking thing. Maybe she caught some orbs. But still: Shut up Vanessa.

Everyone starts playing Tekken 6. AJ and Faye are getting along but, sorry dude, her body language tells me that she ain't into it. Yaz starts talking about getting Kat eliminated and suggests that Justin compete against her in the elimination. Ryan sneaks off to Kat and tattles to her, thinking that he will endear himself to her by letting her in on the shit talking. Kat is excited about the idea that folks think she's hot shit, even though she's pretty freaked out by having to fight Justin.

The whole ranking thing makes my brain hurt so I just ignore it. I have to wonder why the controls are so far away from the TV they have set up. Faye kicks some ass! Vanessa loses!! And Justin murders it.

So, even though there was a loosing team, one person in particular will be up for elimination based on scores. And that person is: Mike. Mike is a baby-faced jock and I could care less about it. The person in first place is Yaz (!) and Justin is rather surprised by that. He understands that by giving advice to the other contestants, he totally gave his shit away. Dur.

I'm still sticky on the whole eliminating system. Yaz was in first place, Mike in last. So Mike is up for elimination while Yaz gets to chose who else gets to be in the bottom. It's a weird system but I guess I do like it since it leaves everything open to massive amounts of drama. Yaz tells the other team that he's not sending any of his teammates home so they better start practicing.

Yaz talks to Vanessa about putting Kat in the elimination and she's all about that.

Later Kat comes into the room and it's totally framed like a shark gliding into seal-infested waters. She pulls Yaz aside and tries to convince him not to put her into elimination. He says that he wouldn't do it "just because of Vanessa" which totally throws off his game. Who will he pick? Eh, he still picks Kat.

Then the female host asks if there is any other reason for picking Kat and Yaz says no. Then she asks Kat if she thinks there's another reason and she fingers Vanessa. Not like that, though you know she'd love it. Vanessa, all high on her security and friendship with Yaz, tosses off that this is just about the competition and that "we" felt this was the best choice. I like that Vanessa is so dumb and hopped up on her place right now that she let the "we" drop, even after Yaz expicitly stated that this was HIS decision. If Kat stays, shit if going to fly.

Oh, poor dumb Mike. Yaz quietly asks him not fuck up and Mike thinks it's some unspoken thing. "If I help you out, you'll help me out." You get that shit on paper or it didn't happen. Yaz totally needs Kat to go home now since he straight up lied to her face.

Almost everyone in the house helps out Mike but Kat is a pro, so it's anyone's game. Faye tells Kat she hopes she comes back, which makes me happy. If Faye thinks she's worth it than I made the right choice. Anyway, Kat needs to come back because she is infinitely more interesting than Mike and Vanessa needs to keep her trap shut. Her rant about Kat "attacking" her was so wack.

The elimination stage looks like dick and balls.

Mike takes round one. Kat takes round two. Mike takes round three. Kat takes round four. Mike takes round five. Kat takes round six. Kat takes round seven. Mike takes round eight. Tie Breaker: KAT. MUTHAFUCKAS.

I have to pause for a minute because the fucking garbage truck is making a ton of noise. Of course, right as I pause it goes quiet.

Next Week: Wii and the competition gets "wet and wild."

ANTM 15

It's that time of year again! And even though I haven't finished my one-shot recap of last season I want to share a few thoughts on the newest crop of girls. CWTV hasn't released any photos of the contestants or even a group shot; instead, we have video clips of all 15. Normally I ignore these clips and just base my critiques off the pictures, but this time around that's not possible. What I learned was that everyone ranges from ugly as shit to fairly normal looking. And they all seem really reserved (read: booooring).

Anamaria - she had a gut feeling to try out for show. I have a gut feeling that her gap tooth will be an interesting subject, if she sticks around. And even though she's from Queens, Anamaria has a little Wisconson in her voice. Also: "hiddeness of me"?

Ann - never thought about being on the show but her friends insisted that she try out - you're friends think you're a bitch. Whoa, check those ears out. She's also too tall (6'2"). You can't really see it when she's sitting in front of the camera but her fashion leans a little to the Gothic-Lolita style. Plus, it turns out that Ann is suuuuuuuper skinny, which is causing a lot of controversy. From what I have seen of her, she seems pretty healthy and alert.

Chelsey - likes Beauty Shots and runway. She also thinks she's edgy and differnt looking and maybe a ditzy blonde. Whatever.

Chris - is supposed to win this competition, loves herself (but maybe in a joking way), has a sister in the competition. Chris is one of the lucky few that actually looks like a normal person.

Esther - AHHHHHHHHH! Maybe she's a muppet? But seriously, you guys, she is hideous. More friends egging her into trying out for the show; I'd love to meet her friends and Anamaria's friends, just to ask them if they really do think the girls are dumb ass bitches. She has lived in different countries, speaks French at home, and said "arwords"(?) when she meant awards. Turns out that she is the plus sized model with a 30G bra size. Yummy!

Jane - talks about her unique look, is the theme this cycle "ugly"? She has a super short clip, possibly because the Vicoden kicked in and she fell asleep on camera.

Kacey - a repeat auditioner who made it Cycle 11, but did not go far. She likes Jasline and Dani and YaYa ... 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Claims she's down-to-earth but people think she looks like a bitch. Hmmmm ...

Kayla - looks like Rachel Dratch, plays soccer and has a bad neck.

Kendal - thinks she was born to model and doesn't want to do anything else (do you think it's because these girls don't know how to do anything else?), doubts herself a lot.

Lexie - she looks like a shark. It's obvious that she wants to be on the show to get a free hair-cut and a free plane ride. Turns out she can join MENSA and was a professional artist and a nationally ranked high jumper.

Liz - looks familiar? Wants to be somebody big, doesn't think that modeling is hard work, thinks she's a comedian, is a single mother, works two jobs, video totally cut out ... bummer

Rhianna - looks like Drew Barrymore, dresses like Annie Hall, seems very timid, finds it upsetting when she sees her clothes on other people, tall (6'1 1/2"). I get an Allison vibe from her but maybe not as charming.

Sara - tried out for Cycle 11 but didn't make it, understood that she was boring the first time time around so made sure to be an idiot this time around, "I think yurze would be surprised ..."?, has a baby

Terra - has tried out 4 times, is Chris' sister, reminds me of a girl I used to work with, talks a little fast, claims that she is very truthful, "actually" a tomboy.

Nothing revelatory just yet but we still have a few weeks to go. I'm hoping that we get some photos soon; it will be interesting to judge the girls on their looks after having seen their "personalities."

Bonus!

This cycle will take place in LA again! The over seas location has not been announced yet. And the winner will be on Italian Vogue. Wow!!