Sunday, March 27, 2011

ANTM - Whatever ...

I forgot to record the episode (!) so it cut in about 3 minutes into the show. We probably didn't miss anything. To recap what happened previously: everyone is an asshole.

The girls come home to Alexandria's photo displayed as digital art. She's still a little surprised about the whole thing since she got called out for being a little bitch on set. I had to double-check this, but my short lived theory on Alexandria being even more bonkers was wrong. There was a girl who worried that the judges wouldn't understand her, which I thought meant that in her mind she thought she was awesome but in reality was a dick head. Turns out it was Dalya that had this concern. Well, she's got her own problems, so whatever.
Like any good psycho, she acknowledges that Tyra recognized an attitude in her and wants to correct that. Not because she realizes that she's an asshole but because she doesn't want to "come off that way." Ugh.
Some of the girls convene at the dinning room table to bitch about Alex's top photo. Kasia claims that "top models" don't have attitudes like that. OK, everybody, let's all google search Naomi Campbell! Ugh.
Now it's time to listen to Sarah bitch about being in the bottom two. She calls herself a "creeper", which is probably why she has such low self esteem. Yo, girl. Turn that frown upside down. She also notes that she's a feminist and from a poor background. We get a shot of Monique giving someone that we are led to believe is Sarah, the side-eye. Sarah continues to lament that she doesn't think she's fem enough - all the while wearing an outfit straight ("straight") out of Sporty Spice's closet. Girl, please.
Everyone is gathered in a bedroom and chats about what's more important: modeling or college? Sarah claims that she's going to "hit the ground running" after this competition. She wants to go to school. This gets a bitchface from Alex, who couldn't possibly conceive of the idea of going to a learning institution that might make you a better person and a productive member of society. She hollers out that she's going to New York no matter what. This makes Sarah bristle and she points out that this competition was a hope and a dream - not a sure thing. Which is true. In a one-on-one, Sarah complains that Alex is questioning her passion for modeling. Yo, weren't you just doing the same fucking thing?
Whatever, these people are dumb. Though I don't blame Alex for not wanting to go back to Orange County. That place blows.

"If you don't watch your step, you career will go up in flames" - Love, Tyra
Jayla thinks they are going to a fire station. She and I would love to see the fire men. But, no. In some warehouse Ms. Jay tells them they will be doing runway - that's on fire. Monique thinks it's "so crazy." Shut up. Now, the fun part: the girls will be on fire! Oh, just the palms of their hands? Dumb.
In hair and make up, Molly is relieved that the fucked up weave is taken out. Hannah is a little worried that the hairspray in her hair will make her catch on fire. And Alex is scared. I'm rolling my eyes. Let's just get this over with.
First up is Alex. She says "yes, sir" to the safety guy. OK, we get it, you don't want to sound like an asshole. But now you sound like Rain Man. I hated her on the runway but Ms. Jay was fine with it all. Brittani, up next, looooves fire. And making some really dramatic Gloria Swanson poses on the runway. Stop it. Mikaela is up and barely interesting - same for Jaclyn. Molly, sans shitty weave, claims that she was a pyromaniac as a kid so she's not worried. OK ... Sarah has trouble getting her palms to light on fire - OF COURSE. Jesus Chris. Kasia has the worst walk that Ms. Jay thinks is too sexy. I say, too barfy. Hannah and Monique are so dull they get a split screen. Dalya, the runway veteran, is ... fine? I don't know. She seemed really slow and half asleep. Plus, I hate listening to her now - she always sounds like she's about to cry. Though you can't blame her in that house.
Dalya, predictably, wins. She's happy for someone who is sleep walking. And she gets two dresses from the line. Then Ms. Jay tells the bottom three girls to walk home. Which is HILARIOUS. I catch a sign that says Little Tokyo, which is a decent area - not great but not terrible. They think it's the worst. Anyway, they bust out their heels and and practice walking home.

"Tomorrow it's OK for you to cause a scene" - Love, Tyra.
Somewhere, Alex just made a Grinch smile. Monique doesn't get it. Yeah, big surprise. Molly, astutely suggests that they will be acting. Then the scripts appear at the door. It's for coffee and the challenge is to make the coffee sexy. Everyone tries their best sexy act and all of them are either gross or super awkward. Sarah is freaking out about being a feminist and portraying a dumb bitch that wants to hump her morning cup 'o joe. UGH.
The girls show up at a sound stage and a greeted by Mr. J. He explains that the look of the commercial is retro, which is very current in fashion today. Their director is a fashion photographer/director that is super cute but who's Italian name I can't bother to remember. Still: very cure.
They all get some 50's-60's styling and they all look great. Sarah is already freaking out which is so unnerving to watch. Jaclyn comes to the rescue by crowing over her fake booty that she is delighted with. Mr. J starts to coach them on the whole Mad Men mentality that's going to be the under current to the commercial. It's stupid but it's fun and the girls seems to get that. Except Sarah, who, again, needs to bitch about how totally not feminist this all is. Like, get out of town you Debbie Downer.

Let's get things started with Brittani and Alex. B is not excited about this. The delivery is stilted until it gets too sexy. Then B (I know, I know, I'm too lazy to even type out her whole name) starts to just suck majorly. She doesn't like acting or coffee or whatever and Mr. J calls her out on it. This makes B cry which makes Alex blow on her wet face to dry it. Which makes Alex jump in and take over the whole set. As a person who has worked on film sets, I can tell you this is a no-no. It's such an asshole move.
Now we have Kasia and Jaclyn. It's not bad! They seem to get the vibe and deliver a great performance.
Next is Dalya and Molly. I think Dalya is clinically dead at this point. But I almost have a heart attack when I spy Molly, who looks so much like Betty Draper in her costume!
Monique fucks up her line and says "French roast" instead of "Fierce Roast" (which is the dumb ass name they gave this shit) and when it's pointed out to her, she snips "I drink French roast." No on asked you what you drink. Just make a joke of it and move on. Don't be such a dick. Anyway, Hannah is cute.
Now it's up to Sarah and Mikaela to fuck everything up as much as possible. First, Mikaela's hand shakes like you wouldn't believe and the director yells at her. Then Sarah bumbles her way through the whole thing. It's a train wreck.

The Tyra Mail of Death reminds them that tomorrow, someone is going home.
Most of the girls whine about the day and how they are not actors but models. Even though Mr. J JUST SAID they need to be able to do commercials to sell products.
Behind the scenes everyone says hi and gets to business. Prizes! Judges!
Up first: Monique and Hannah. First of all, Monique makes me uncomfortable. It's a cute idea but it just really makes me feel like I need a shower. Of course, Nigel loves it. What a big perv. It was OK but not enough.
Next: Jaclyn and Kasia. This one is much better and it's because Kasia hams it up. Jaclyn brings up her fake booty which gets laughs.
Now it;s time for Alex and Brittani. Yuck. Not a fan. And neither was Nigel. And neither was ALT. And neither was our hot little Italian, who busts her for being a dick head. She tries to skirt the blame by saying she was just trying to keep the chemistry going but he stops that shit and talks about her nonsense on set.
Next: Sarah and Mikaela. Ugh. No thanks. Do not want. Everyone blames Sarah for sucking.
Finally, Dalya and Molly, who is back in a weave. Bummer. Dude, Dalya's eyes are just so fucking dead. But all the guys can talk about is how her movements are no good. None of it was! Barf.
Double-barf: Tyra's baby voice.

The judges have deliberated and decided who goes home. Tyra hands out screen grabs.
Best commercial? Kasia! Then it's Hannah, Jaclyn and her fake booty, Dalya, Monique, Molly, Mikaela and Brittani.
Down to Sarah and Alex? Whatever, we know who's going to stay. Though I do love that Tyra warns Alex about being a dick head and that this will be the last time she warns her about this. Of course, no one is happy about this besides the producers. Anyway, bye Sarah, I've already forgotten you.

Next week: A Cover Girl commercial. Already? Aaaaand Alex is an asshole. Again.

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