Tuesday, September 15, 2009

ANTM #1 - The Short End of the Shit

So, here we are: the Fall cycle of ANTM. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant "Le Cycle."
(image from fourfour.typepad.com)

What anything has to do with France, I don't know. Is Tyra a closeted Francophile? She clearly has no shame in her love for Mrs. Roper...
Sign of the Apocalypse
Tyra and Mr. J

Beyond TyTy's maddening refusal to stop talking like Pepe Le Pue there were a few other annoying things:

Bianca is a bitch with a brain.
Nicole "Bloody Eyeball" is "more mature than the other girls."
Rae is a mother.
Allison* is a modeling teacher!
Brittany is a math major.
Amber* is a Jesus Freak!
Sundai has nothing to lose

*these girls did not make it through and that is seriously terrible.

America's Next Top Model Cycle 13: Sneak Peeks of the Shorties
I love Jennifer. I want to marry her so much. She got into a fight because some ho kissed her boyfriend. Also she kinda has a lazy eye thing going on.
(image from fourfour.typepad.com)

Trailer-Trash.<span class=
Amber lives in a trailer on the east-side of New Orleans, which is pretty poor. She also uses the toilet at McDonald's to take her dumps. She's braver than I am; but that's basically all MickyD's is good for anyway.

(image from fourfour.typepad.com)
Bianca is a much more interesting case: she was physically and verbally abused by her delightful sounding boyfriend. But at the same time she's a whiny little bee-yotch. More on her later.

ice-cream-sundae.<span class=
Despite being the "black version" of Annie, Sundai is a bit more Pollyanna than you might imagine. Considering that her mother was a crazy lady -
<span class=
(I pictured Whitney Huston in her prime on Being Bobby Brown)
she has a relatively sunny disposition. But she's also got nothing to lose and will most likely die if she isn't crowned the winner.

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(image from fourfour.typepad.com)
Amber. Jesus Titty-fucking Christ. For the first few minutes she didn't really stick out, so when she did open her mouth and (inevitably) say something dumb I felt a little bad for her. Bianca was much too aggressive with her and the other girls were much to passive aggressive with her. Then the show kept going (as they usually do) and that's when things got interesting.
Amber is a Jesus Freak. While last cycle's London was composed if not retarded and a little bottom heavy, Amber is just bat-shit insane and Scarecrow thin. Making it even harder to take anything she says seriously.
compared to...
Amber_dance
(image and gif from fourfour.typepad.com)

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How blah is Erin? So blah that I only wrote one thing about her: she's "intelligence based."
Actually, I think that makes her kinda awesome.

How disappointed was I to meet Kara!?! I already figured that she's packing candy but I thought that little extra special something might be a super awesome personality. She shares her name with some other gals:
HOT
http://www.taxi.com/transmitter/0612/graphics/logos/rally-03.jpg
Hot Mess

How adorable is LuLu!?! I love that she is openly gay and I love that she tattooed her girlfriend's name on her boobie. Not only is that hard-core, it's also super trashy.

'America's Next Top Model' Cycle 13 Pics: Nicole
Here's Nicole looking about 10,000x's more animated than in the entire 2-hour episode.
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Here's Nicole during those 2 hours.
Seriously, WTF is up with this chick? I can't tell if she is intentionally off-putting just to psyche out the other girls or if she really buys into the shit she talks about. Bringing a rusty wheel-barrow to school instead of a backpack is just the perfect way to alienate yourself. When people do stuff like that on purpose it just means they want attention. When people do that because it seems normal to them it means they are sociopaths.
Right, Micheal?

Yeah, that's not actually Laura - but it could be. I'm liking her more and more. Of course, I could get pie all over my face when it becomes obvious that it's all an act. But it's gonna be fun while it lasts!

Rae is a very likable girl. She's had some troubles in her life (being abducted and raped) but she seems to be of the "I'm not going to let this define me" school and instead chose to continue living her life. Instead of making her tragedy her life. Sweet Jesus don't let her be a bitch.

How awesome is that?! It comes from Japan, where Rachel might have come from. At least the weird, uncomfortable cartoons they produce over there. So far there's not much about her that stands out except for her eyes, so it should be interesting to see where she takes this.

You might notice that some of the girls that do make it to the final 14 aren't on this list - that's because I don't care about them just yet. You gotta work for your money, bitches. But there are also a few that didn't make the cut but made a lasting impression on me. The forerunner for most awesome person ever is Raven because Miss J said: "She makes me want to tinkle." That's how I feel about this show sister.

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