Monday, April 6, 2009

ANTM #6 - Bitches Gone Wild!

Eh, sort of...

Let's be honest: this season has been so/so. Basically, you can't top Jade, so why even try? Seems like the producers have realized this and tried to do their best. The problem is that after awhile, people start watching your show and they figure out how to play the game. You shouldn't be playing anything - that means you might actually be smart. And NOBODY is smart on this show. So it gets old b/c everything seems fake.
There have been genuine moments this season, though. I fully believe that Thalia is truly as annoying as she comes across. And, for sure, Sandra is that completely insane. But other than those two, I think that most of the girls are just faking it 'til they be making it...

When we see the girls again, they are coming back from panel. Poor Thalia, the joy she should be feeling from seeing her photo on the wall (as "digital art" - wtf?) is dashed after being abused by Celia. The girls go to their respective corners and Thalia whines to Aminat and Teyona about how hurt and angry she is. In a strange twist, Sandra decides to join Team Lame (guess that's not completely surprising) and hang out w/ the black girls in the house. I thought her and Celia were starting to get along?
It's super lame that most of these confrontations turn out to be Black vs. White. I understand that most of the girls on this show are somewhat ignorant and fall back on easy prejudices, but it's still kinda lazy. Especially in situations like this. Celia was the only one w/ the skills to put together a cohesive argument against Thalia, while the other chicks just sat there. But the rest of the white chicks get herded onto Team Suck b/c...uh, I dunno.

Aminat ignores the fact that this has nothing to do w/ her and starts instigating. Teyona in tow, Aminat swans down the stairs into the kitchen and gets up in Allison's face, yelling that she "picked a side." Natalie was having none of that and lashed back at Aminat. Why is Natalie getting involved now?!? The most damage that Team Lame's leader and right-hand bitch could do was stand on the staircase (have to make sure that you are above your opponent to look better/bigger/more important than them) and flail their arms while screaming a bunch of nonsense.
I loved that Aminat is so dumb that she couldn't manage another word other than "stupid" to describe Natalie. And while I won't disagree (fake camera!), you have to admit: that's like the pot calling the kettle black. I'm basically over everyone on the show now...Celia should have let nature take it's course and Thalia would have freaked herself out again and fallen so flat the judges would have no other choice but to send her home. On the other hand, I'm so fucking sick of listening to Thalia flip-flop, I want to stab my god damned ears.
The best part about all of this is that while Aminat and Teyona were making fools of themselves and Natalie and Allison were trying to become more sympathetic characters, Celia and Thalia were just standing on the landing watching. They didn't even participate!

MOVING ON!
Aminat reads the Tyra Mail and thinks it means they are going to be acting. Well, not so much. Turns out that Mr. J wants them to work on their facial expressions. His guest model/expert is Beth Stern (Mrs. Howard Stern). When we see her photos, we discover that "expert" is a term that Tyra and the producers take VERY lightly - SHE HAS THE SAME FUCKING FACE IN EVERY PHOTO.

Challenge - WTF?
The first part of this challenge allowed Mr. J to listen to his voice for a little while longer. He had the girls stand in front of mirrors and make faces similar to whatever feeling he called out. The nice thing is that they were all in the same room together, so they could practice their Evil Eye as well...
  • Allison - basically always looked sad. But that's her look, no? 
  • Celia - did well enough, nothing amazing.
  • Thalia - looks like a motherfucking crazy person.
  • Fo - was kinda whatever for me.
  • Sandra - managed to look like a vampire in every shot. But, thankfully, is still CRAZy.
  • Natalie - I still can't get into her...
Thalia is still talking about how she has mad confidence now...barf.

Part 2: The girls stand behind huge photos of Tyra w/ her face cut out. Their challenge is to insert their face and make some expression that mirror the photo and Tyra's body language. Mr. J sort of half-assed mentioned that the girls needed to match their bodies to the photo, mostly meaning that if Tyra is tilting her head - so should they. But he didn't explain himself (as usual) and a lot of the girls ended up looking like retards... 
  • Celia - didn't do very well. Her biggest problem was not matching her body position. But she didn't give very good face either. I think she was too psyched out - who's fault is that?!
  • Fo - still kinda whatever...
  • Sandra - I have no fucking idea what she was trying to do. And you could actually see her holding back; she should have done the vampire face again.
  • Aminat - No. Just...no.
  • Allison - still looking sad! I had hoped that she might rock the candy shop photo, but alas...
  • Natalie - actually didn't do all that bad! But I have (yet another) bone to pick w/ Mr. J: he needs to stop telling Natalie that she's lacking confidence, b/c now she actually believes she is.
  • Thalia - DISGUSTING.
Mr. J picks Natalie as the winner (bust I still think she's pretty obnoxious and lame) and she gets 50% more frames during the photo shoot.

Thalia and Celia!
I thought it was genuinely nice that the girls could sit down quietly, away from everyone else and talk. Celia starts things off by asking if Thalia is OK. Turns out she's disappointed and humiliated more than anything else. Which is understandable, but totally her fault. It's like she's never watched this show before. And you know that she was disappointed that Tyra learned she's whiny and embarrassed that the judges found out too. B/c just having all of the viewing audience knowing that is cool or whatever, but not the judges!
Anyway, Celia said that she hadn't meant to hurt her. I'm not sure if I believe this - Thalia is pretty annoying. But if that's the story she wants to stick to...whatever. Thalia made a (gasp!) great point when she said there were better ways that Celia could have gone about all that. I agreed (gasp!) and so did dear friend Dynasty Blackburn. Celia should have done a one-on-one w/ Thalia and asked her point blank what the fuck was up w/ her shit.
And while I also kind of agree w/ Thalia pointing out that her problems were/are none of Celia's business, it makes sense that Thalia shouldn't be there if she doesn't want it bad enough. Oh well, you could run in circles on this shit and never come up w/ a good answer! At the end, Celia really thought she was going home...

Photo Shoot - COLORS!
As abstract an idea this shoot was, it came down to: the girls got some colored powder blown willy-nilly on their faces and they had to emote the color. Most of these girls can't even spell, how are they going to "emote a color"? LOVE IT.
  • Allison/Pink/Girly - I had trouble w/ this one. I honestly thought that she was holding back some. This should have been ideal for her.
  • Aminat/Green/Earth - as nasty as she is...the girl looked LOVELY.
  • Thalia/Lavender/Sexy - I didn't buy any of it, though she was getting marginally better as the shoot went on. Mr. J didn't like any of it and questioned why she always goes for sexy. I question that as well b/c she not sexy at all. And neither is lavender! 
  • Teyona/Yellow/Happiness - I don't know...I don't get her, you know?
  • Fo/Red/Fierce - and she was! That girl rocked the shit out of her shoot!
  • London/Blue - I have no idea what she was trying to do bu I thought it looked pretty good.
  • Natalie/Orange - again, no idea what she was trying for but it didn't matter b/c she gave the same fucking face every frame.
  • Sandra/White/Angel - AHAHAHAHAHAAAHHAHAHH!!! Angel? Uh...no.
  • Celia/Grey - I don't know what she was thinking but it worked. She never stated what she was going for but it looked AWESOME. And I love that the producers insisted the oldest girl get a color that is associated w/ old age...and makes her look like an old hag. But a fierce old hag!
Back at the house Celia picks out her outfit for panel thinking that they are the clothes she will be buried in. Dear, you do know that when you are kicked off the show Tyra doesn't, like, kill you, right? And then Sandra yammers on about how awesome her shoot was. I don't think she was actually there, you know? Like, at shoots, she just drifts off to her special place. I think her special place looks like that scene in "Being John Malkavich" when every one at the restaurant has his head. Just a sea of Sandras...as far as the eye can see!

Panel:
FIRST OF ALL, TYRA NEEDS TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT ON NIGEL! THAT DUDE IS MARRIED OR GAY - EITHER WAY LADY! CHANGE YOUR PANTIES AND SIT YOUR ASS DOWN.
  • Aminat - she looked pretty good. But I was a little confused about her looking like a "modern take on green." What does that mean.
  • Natalie - again, she's just whatever for me. And Tyra wasn't feeling it either. But, according to Tyra, Natalie's face looks flat and she needs to find a way to get some bones in there. Correct me if I'm wrong but I think she already has bones in her face. If she didn't I'd be throwing up already.
  • Thalia - they liked her well enough and someone even said the photo reminded them of Mona Lisa. Maybe. But as has been pointed out many times before, Thalia is much more interesting on film than she is in person. Every time there is panel, she looks and acts like a fucking wet rag. Nigel brings up last weeks "situation"and Thalia admits that she has questioned if she wants to be here. He says that's OK, b/c everyone does that (true) but she can't keep thinking like that. She needs to make a decision, soon. Honestly I don't think she really has.
  • Celia - everyone still loves her b/c she understands fashion and looks great. Tyra said that she exuded "maturity and strength" w/ the grey. And the photographer wanted to keep shooting w/ her, always nice to hear!
  • Teyona - everyone seemed to love the photo and deemed her a chameleon. Tyra went so far as to say that she looked like "hope" and should have been on an Obama poster. Not sure about that, but she looked pretty good.
  • London - I like the photo but everyone thought she was lacking emotion in her eyes. This is probably true since the only emotion she knows is her love for Jesus Christ. Maybe. I don't know, she hasn't really said much about him lately. Do you think they broke up?
  • Allison - I actually really liked it! Someone thought it was a very modern looking photo but it was pointed out, again, that Allison isn't showing much range...blah, blah, blah...
  • Sandra - AHHHHH! WTF is that shit? No body liked it and Tyra apologized to the photographer saying that she chose a bad photo to show how poorly Sandra did w/ a full face instead of a profile. You know who else had that problem? Heather did. And you know what she did about it? Rocked the shit out of it. 
  • Fo - HOT HOT HOT. Everyone loved it, as they should have.
Negative
Natalie
London
Allison
Sandra
Celia -BULLSHIT

Positive
Aminat
Thalia
Teyona
Fo

Fo gets called first which is well deserved.

Thunderdome! Deathmatch!
Sandra vs. Celia
Of course we know that Sandra should be here. She should have been here the first week and then gone home immediately. But she was entertaining, so all is forgiven. But Tyra's argument that her being a "one-look model" is pathetic. In that case, why not have Allison down there too? They didn't care much for Natlaie either. Both of those girls would have been a better replacement for Celia. Granted, Tyra had to make her point but it was lame to call her in the Bottom 2. Everyone loved her photo and complemented her outfit. Tyra says that she's not sure if she can work w/ Celia after she tattled on Thalia. Thankfully, she explained herself: basically, Tyra doesn't like it when people mess w/ her money. When she saw Celia open her mouth, she saw Celia mess w/ Thalia's "money." It reminded her of Naomi Campbell (not in those words, of course, but COME ON!) and that doesn't fly w/ Tyra.

Going home: Sandra (duh!)
Of course Sandra is mad about going home! She STILL thinks she's the best at everything and even has a better personality (!) - BYE! Get the fuck outta here!!!

I guess everything is right again in the world b/c next week's preview didn't say anything about drama in th house...
NEXT WEEK: Acting aaaannnddd CLAY AIKEN!!!!!

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