ANTM #1/#2 - Finals!

(First I would like to say: thank you, thank you, thank you for being so patient. I've been promising this for at least a week now - probably two! Sufice it to say that last week was not a good time for me and this blog, unfortunatly, took a back seat. But here I am - ready to go! I hope to have my final ANTM posts up on Fridays. Thanks again!)

Episode #1 - Semi Finals

Let me just say that I know I'm not the first one to point this out, but: it's always a wee bit anti-climactic when the producers show us the finalists BEFORE the premire. On the flip-side, we get to see how the strongest clawed their way to the Top 12. It's like watching evolution or some shit.

At first I thought that having the semi-finals in Las Vegas was pretty lame but then it occured to me that Tyra, in all her benevolent glory,  was bestowing a blessing on the girls that didn't make the final cut. Once they were dismissed, all they had to do was walk 3 1/2 minutes in any directon and find work as a waitress, dancer ("dancer") or sex worker. Easy like Sunday morning!

Now, since I've already talked about the girls that did make it, let me say a few words about the bitches that got cut:

• Monique - ever wonder what Laura Prepon (That 70's Show "fame") would look like if she were a dude? And if said dude was auditioning for the mid-90's Mel Gibson flick "Consperacy Theory"?
• Alex - the least appealing girl on earth. Jesus Christ! She looks like Aileen Wornos - the serial killer - but not the "Charlize Theron is going to get an Oscar for this shit" kind. No, she actually lookes like a lesbian serial killer.
• NOTE: I don't think the producers made a bad choice on getting rid of these two. They were too nasty and trashy. If you're too trashy for ANTM, you need to handle that.
• Kathyrine - pretty freaking adorable! But she was a big ol' crybaby. Also, how freaked out did Tyra look when she busted out her pen collection? She didn't ask to hold the pens b/c she was curious - she was scared that K. was gonna stab her w/them. But it was good that Tyra called her out for being gimmiky instead of just bringing her game.
• Angelea - *sigh* I'm pretty sad about this one. On the one hand: she would have lost her edge way too early (Ebony!), on the other: she could have been so much fun! I loved that her life centered around a.) leaving Buffalo, NY (guess what? You did! Now you're in Las Vegas!) and b.) winning ANTM (w/ those nails and that hair? Her makeover would have been epic). But beyond that, Angelea wasn't bat-shit crazy enough. That's why Sandra got the best of her during the photo shoot. Also, playing the personal tragedy card so early? Not smart. The producers clearly didn't want her in the first place or they would have paired her w/ Isabella/Seizure Girl. Angelea's kid died from having a seizure (how fucking sad is that?!? Christ!) and Isabella still suffers from them. Match made in heaven? Guess not...

Challenges: Cloud Walk/Roman Profile

We are introduced to the girls at Las Vegas institution Caeser's Palace. After the jumbled mess of screaming and flailing limbs, the girls are ushered to some clothing racks loaded w/ what can only be described as left-over cocktail waitress uniforms the hotel/casino provided.

Ms. J gets her moment in by challenging the firls to walk on a runway BUT since they are all "godessess" they have to walk on clouds. What the fuck? Oh, wait - or pretend to...a fog machine pumped in some hazy crap that obscured the runway. I was hoping (as I'm sure the producers were) that someone would trip or fall off. Alas, we were all disappointed! I did love how everyone had an opinion on everyone's walk but everyone sucked.

The photo shoot was a nice idea: Profiles. It doesn't allow the girls to make assholes out of themselves on purpose but exposes the natural idiots who can't understand simple directions. I hardly remember the slide show of photos, which is fine. 

By the way, Kathyrine (Pen Lady) seems totally incapable of not crying. Which I find hilarious.

The first cut is made and the flood gates open. Whatever. When is Tyra showing up? Oh wait...

Enter Tyra! With fanfare that can only be described as GAY, and a reaction on par w/ 1960's Beatles hysteria or mid-80's Rick Springfield interest, Tyra finally graces us w/ her presance. Escorted by the regects of 300's casting director, Tyra calls herself the "Godess of Feirce" (or Cheeseburger). After blathering on about how she is looking for a succesor to her throne (yeah, right) Tyra tells us that it's another NY cycle! Yeay!

Now w/ a more manageable number of girls, another photo shoot is set, giving Mr. Jay more screen time than he deserves. The girls will be portraying godesses. Some I have actually heard of - others must be B.S. They didn't show everyone, so I could only comment on what flashed across the screen.

• London - Godess of Justice/I'll buy that since she claims to be a Street Preacher (is that like a Street Figher?). Maybe she will rain justice down on all these sinners?
• Fo - Godess of Madness/This could be fitting when you consider that the other contestant to make such a big deal about being "mixed race" was April. Her decent into madness was entertaining!
• Aminat - Godess of Strength/This one is kind of ironic: all the judges said she was the strongest in the competition but she kinda fell flat when it came to the first official photo shoot.
• Thalia - Godess of Prosperity/Hardly.
• Allison - Godess of Honor/More like Godess of Nosebleeds.
• Sandra - Godess of Success/Strangly enough, I think this girl symbolizes sucess perfectly. If you claw your way through whatever is in your way and alienate everyone surrounding you w/ your shitty attitude - you are assured a place on the top. Probably b/c no one wants to be around you, so there's no where else to go.
• Isabella - Godess of Modesty/Here is another good match. Unfortunatly, it was also the Kiss of Death. Izzy is just too nice and modest to stick around.
• Nijah - Godess of Friendlyness/First of all, there's no such thing. On top of that: I'm a little disapointed in myself b/c I can't say "yea" or "nea." This girl was so fuckign bland that I can't remember anything about her.
• Natalie - Godess of How the Hell Should I Kknow?/Same as above. Times a million.
• Kathyerine - Godess of Victory/Heh, I don't think so.
• Angelea - Godess of Love/This is the only one that really nails it, huh? The producers were just fucking w/ her at this point, right?

OK, so the Angelea/Sandra smackdown was entertaining, no? It was at this point that we got to see which Alpha Female would eat the heart of the loser. Sorry Angelea. It's her fault, plain and simple. Sandra manipulated her into lashing out, which exploited Angelea's greatest weakness: she's too self-concious. Sandra is CRAZY and the other girls are basically garden-variety idiots, so Angelea is screwed. She ended up relying on her base instincts and got super Ghetto. Later on, through what can only be tears of self-loathing, she chastized herself for acting so badly - something she knew better than.

Like I said earlier, Angelea would have died on this show, so it's better that she was cut now. Mr. Jay (inflating his sense of self-worth) tattled on her to Tyra. THe look in Tyra's eyes upon hearing about a "girl fight" reminded me of Gerard Butler in 300, before he kicked that dude into the big-ass pit. While Mr. Jay was right (to Angelea: "whatever she said/did, doesn't matter, you shouldn't have reacted), it was shitty of him not to mention that Sandra was a part of the SNAFU.

Commercial Break: Cycle 13 goes to Liliput? Dude, when the FUCK are we going to get an Asian winner?

Episode #2 - New York

The girls wander around NY for a bit before heading over to the Empire State Building. Question: why do the producers  feel the need to showcase landmarks that EVERYONE has seen? It's cheesy. For whatever reason, Nigel hands the keys to the new house to Celia and tells her she gets to chose her bed, while the other girls (presumably) get to battle it out in fierce hand-to-hand combat for the remaining beds.

We learn a few things about the girls:

• London loves stupid nylons and headbands.
• Celia is excited about being the oldest girl - so am I!
• London isn't just a Jesus Freak, but a push-over.
• Sandra is fucking CRAZY (this will be repeated many times).

And here is where things get fun again. Sandra decides to pull the Alpha Female shit on Celia. THe Ancient One is having none of that. So, when faced w/ a far supirior opponant Sandra tries to roll her over and ignore the (arbitrary) house rule. When that doesn't work she uses the tried and true tactic that all empowered women use: she cries. And that is how you know she is insane. She cries b/c she doesn't get the bed she wants. Eventually, London rolled and gave up her bed b/c she's an idiot.

Instead of being greatful that one person in the house doesn't openly despise her (just on the inside - like Jesus would have wanted!), Sandra saw the moment of weakenss as a sign she was still Charles in Charge and continued to behave like a disgusting person. Sweet.

Challenges: Fashion Show/Playground Photo Shoot

Runway: Good Girls/Bad Girls

The girls are sent to a runway show where they are challenged to walk. Some girls are given clothes w/ the theme of "good girl", others "bad girl." Honestly, I couldn't tell the difference. 

• Isabella was worried about having a siezure triggered by the strobe light. Unfortunatly, nothing happened.
• Sandra eventually suffered a stroke mid-walk b/c she didn't even make it half way down the runway before stopping, spazing out/posing and going backstage. She then proceded to rate her walk an 8/9. Math! It's so relative, like time...
• THalia had a shitty walk. Maybe it was b/c she was so butt-hurt about being covered up, while the other girls got to dress like whores.
• Teyona, however, was Feirce!
• I don't remember why I wrote this down, but: Ms. J is great.

Photo Shoot: Childhood Games

Before I say anything about the shoot...WTF was Mr. Jay wearing? Gay TRON?

OK, so we know it's all about Tyra, right? Cool. Just wanted to check. The theme of this shoot is Childhood Games from the playground. Tyra's concerned about lost childhood, especially girls. While I doubt that's B.S., I have trouble in finding the logic in having "sexy girls" dress up in child-like clothes and play antiquated games. Why not have them dress up and act like jobs little girls could aspire to? Teacher, Astronaut, President! THese are not just fantasies but actually possibilities!

THe farther into the episode we go, the more we learn:

• Fo is a pre-school teacher; probably an advantage.
• Thalia is not only annoying but awkward and cataloge.
• Allison is kinda fun!
• Jessica is so devoide of personality and talent that she copies the other girls.
• Natalie is...wait, who's Natalie?

Pannel

Tyra decided to dress like a fat school teacher - let the mayham comence!

• Sandra: critisized for runway performance and lame picture. She dismisses the critisizem, not w/ Natasha's whimsical madness but w/ an air of entitelment resereved for Paris Hilton. Basically, she's still an asshole.
• Aminat: it was at this point that that we discovered that all the hype about Aminta was...just hype.
• Jessica: she's never been called ugly! And she's Puerto Rican! And...uh, that's it. But I still adore Ms. J for this: "you've never been called ugly...to your face." Blank stare from Jessie.
• Isabella: WTF?
• THalia: suprise, suprise! Her picture was lame...but she's not going home anytime soon.
• Natalie: her photo was whatever but the FUCKING HEADBAND! Someone else wore a headband to pannel and was sent home. I like to think that Jesus Freak was all like: "Here, you should wear one of my headbands, they are popular right now."
• Everyone else did OK. For the most part this wasn't a spectacular shoot.
• Paulina happened to look scary as fuck, though!
• The judges decided that Jessica relize on her pretty too much, London is oddly proportioned (true), and THalia is under performing b/c she is insecure.

Judging

1st: Allison! Yeay, score one for the creepy chicks! Also, how awesome was it that she walked the wrong was after getting her name called?

2nd: Fo

3rd: Teyona

*photos were so WHATEVER that I seriously don't remember what they looked like.

Deathmatch! Thunderdome Battle!

Sandra vs. Isabella

This one was actually a good Bottom 2. Sandra is not only CRAZY as Fuck but she really does suck. Her insanity let's her think that walking half way down the runway is a homerun and that standing around during a photo shoot makes her the best of the bunch. But it also makes her perfect for the show. As long as she continues to abuse her roomates, there's always the possibility of drama. The stronger personalities will clash w/ her, of course, but eventually the quieter/timid girls will come out of their shells and freak out. I'm excited by the thought that London will just crack and piss on Sandra's bed.

Isabella on the other hand was just weak. Her personality was her disability. And her motives were confusing, at best. Cycle 4's Rebecca fainted durning pannel one time; she had a history of fainting spells but sincerely she didn't think it would affect her performance. Isabella was activly taking medication for an on-going medical problem. That's stupid. There are flash bulbs and loud music going on while you work, what did you think was going to happen? Unlike Thalia's shitty attitude, Isabella was too positive. She had long ago learned to live w/ this, while Thalia never will.

Going Home: Isabella.

NEXT WEEK : Makeovers!