Can we take a second to aknowledge how fabulous Tyra's boobs are?
The girls all look like Daryl Hanna in "Blade Runner." Which makes perfect sense when you consider that Top Model will be required viewing in America's dystopian future. And Allison gets the last spot, which also seems to be the longest. What are the numbers on that? Does it mean anything in the history of ANTM? I need to investigate...
OK, so we see the girls come back home and there's Allison's photo displayed in the house. She seems kinda embarrassed about it, which is adorable. But Fo is having none of that; she can't seem to understand why she wasn't called first - I mean, she "loved her photo!" Duh, someone has to...
Anyway, Aminat and Sandra have a heart-to-heart in the kitchen, in front of every person in the house. And by heart-to-heart, I mean that Aminat verbally pissed on Sandra. After telling her that "the wrong person went home" (in regards to Izzy, which is not true actually), Sandra doesn't really have much to say. In fact, all we hear is "well, if that's the way you feel..." ZOOM, ZOOM, ZOOM! After all that, she mumbles "bitch" under her breath, away from Aminat, while walking away from the cameras. Uh, OK...
Later, the girls are escorted in a pink and purple plaid limo (Holy Shit!) to Bergdorff Goodman's for - yup! Makeovers! But before any of that can happen Tyra interupts a conversation the "J's" were having (I wonder what those two were talking about?). In a stupid "spy mission" theme, "T" tells them that the girls wll be getting makeovers today - NO MATTER WHAT. In fact, the "J's" have been told to "chop, slice, and dice" if they have to. How do you dice someone's hair? Also, she calls the makeovers "Fatalian." WTF?
Makeovers:
- Jessica - "edgy." Basically she got a few inches cut and red highlights. And she looks the same.
- Sandra - blonde. Supposed to be bright beautiful hair. I think she's disgusting no matter what.
- Allison - long and blonde. Kinda like a mermaid! Sorta whatever for me. Though, it does bring better proprtions to her face.
- Nijah - bigger weave! She does look better.
- Fo - cuteness=bad/short=good. Kind of a Halle Berry look going on now. But she hates it and to punish Tyra she takes a retarded, dead-eyed photo. Way to show her, Fo!
- Celia - short! At first she cries a little but after deciding that it's liberating, she's all for it. And I love the cut - it really brings out her bone structure.
- Aminat - Naomi Campbell! She does look much better and even sasses Ms. J at one point. But I wonder if Tyra throws all these Naomi references as a way of therapy?
- Kortnie - "Code Red." WTF? Tyra can't just say: "We are dying her hair red in hopes that it will off-set her abrassive tan"?
- London - short/blonde/edgy! Love it. And so does she. The Jesus Freak is growing on me!
- Natalie - Jesus Christ! What a huge fuss she makes. She totally flips her shit at the mere thought that she might be getting more than a trim. She ends up pissing off the gay hobbit that was supposed to cut her hair and showing Mr. Jay what an ungrateful whiny bitch she is. But it turned out that they were basically just fucking w/ her and she wan't going to get a makeover. Whatever...she needs a personality makeover.
- Teyona - Jherri Curl! Uh...juciey hair, Tyra? Fuck, that sounds gross.
- Thalia - lion's mane! This is a much better cut on her and she looks a lot younger too.
Fo, needing attention, starts to cry over her hair. Now, I kinda get some of this; when she starts complaining that Natalie didn't get anything done, I actually agreed that was kind of lame. But it's even lamer when Fo grasps for some excuse for what is a cry for attention. Just cut yourself already...
Jessica is getting on my nerves: "nothing can make me ugly!"
And Thalia shops at Wal-Mart. You don't say...
Challenge: Wal-Mart
Question: Do you think Cover Girl Hates that is has a contract w/ Wal-Mart? I think it hates that it has a contract w/ Wal-Mart. Anyway. No Wal-Marts in NY? Oh well, we will just pretend there are! They set up a lame wall display of Cover Girl products in some random store front on what looks like 5th Avenue. The girls are broken up into teams of 3 and are told they have to find some random woman on the street that they think is a Cover Girl. Then they have to bring her back to the "studio" to show them the make-up that suits them.
I'd like to point out that none of the women they brought back to the "studio" were of color. So, either the girls are racist or they are lazy and didn't want to figure out how to do make-up on a black woman.
Team 1 Team 2 Team 3 Team 4
Aminat Kortnie Thalia Allison
Celia Teyona Jessica Nijah
Sandra Fo London Natalie
Team #1: did a good, solid job. But it was pointed out that Sandra said next to nothing during the entire challenge. I'm not having any of that - this bitch needs to step it up.
Team #2: totally sucked. They talked all over each other and were very confusing.
Team #3: complimented on their good make-up skills but were critisized for doing good make-up. Wait, what? Supposedly they spent too much time showing how the make-up worked instead of telling how the make-up worked. Wait, what?
Team #4: oh my god! The woman they chose seemed slightly retarded. They were complimented for treating their girl so well and making her feel great. But they got slammed for bringing the make-up from the wall to their station. Huh?!? Why even provide a station?
Winner: Team #1!
Jessica was having none of that - what's her problem? Maybe that they challenge judges made some bullshit up so they wouldn't get the win? I still hate her though.
At dinner: eating at an African restaurant could have been a great moment for Sandra to talk about her culture - but, instead, she decided to be an asshole. There's my girl. She just loves to alienate/drive people away! Starting off the evening, Sandra passive-agressivly calls out Aminat for having one drink. One god damed drink! Her claim is that models should be on their best behavior. After running her mouth like an idiot, she looks around w/ her Muppet grin for validation. She does not find any. Not even from London! But we do see that she seems to be affected by the other girls' open dislike.
Photo Shoot: Lighting/Self-Directing
First: how fucking creepy was Mr. Jay, just standing there in a dark alley? What is this, "Alice, Sweet Alice?"
This photo shoot is a big deal b/c Nigel is doing it and he's a judge - just in case you didn't know that - thank you Aminat. The basic idea is that three girls will pose in a rape wearhouse. One of them (at a time) will hold a pair of lights that look like dildos. I love group shots b/c it gives the judges a chance to talk shit on more girls at once.
Thalia is amazed by the outfits for the shoot - she didn't realize that there were so many outfits in leather! Not a lot of leather at Wal-Mart? She was also totally confused by everything going on around her. Imagine that.
Allison seemed to do pretty well.
Nijah basically just laid down, which would open up so many jokes about her sexual prowess, except that her eyes were so dead they would all be necrophilia jokes.
Jessica looked a little like a dude. Part of it was the make-up but most of it was that she is really annoying and stupid.
Aminat really bummed me out. I like her b/c she's kinda dumb, looks pretty decient and talks shit to Sandra. So, when Celia totally upstaged her as a background model I felt bad for her. But she seemes like a cool person since she didn't even talk shit on Celia for what was possibly and accident.
Celia does a great job when she is the main focus as well. And Mr. Jay clearly has a lesbian crush on her, pulling her aside to dole out little tips, while all the other girls flounder on their own.
Sandra is disgusting. Mr. Jay had to coach her through several shots but she didn't do a god damned thing.
Kortnie was so fucking lame and clueless about what she was doing. They are lights - hold them - take picture.
London tore that shit up! She must have heard my comment about "Blade Runner" b/c she was scaring me w/ her feirceness.
Teyona genuinely did a great job. She's so soft-spoken that sometimes I forget she's there! But she really made an impression on me and Mr. Jay. Teyona looks like what Grace Jones would have looked like had she been an attractive woman.
Fo, what a fucking Drama Queen! She steps in front of the camera and practically has a nervous break-down. It's still all about the hair, which is so lame. She keeps saying it's "hard" to work w/ short hair. Why? It's just hair! If Tyra had decided to give her a third arm, sewn onto her chest, then, yeah, that's a little hard to work w/.
Natalie is kinda whatever for me. Also, she's getting on my nerves. Looks-wise, she reminds me of Katarzyna (spelling?). Nigel seemed to like her but I'm not feeling it.
Pannel
Have you noticed that they always cover the 17 Magazine w/the Top Model w/ whoever has recently graced the current cover? You know, I'm not interested in looking at Lauren Conrad.
So, Ms. J's gimick this cycle? Wearing a bowtie that get's bigger w/ every elimination. "Cool." But look! Noel is back! And what a huge bitch he is! Notice how Sandra wears the same god damned red shoes all the time? She looks like a nutcracker.
Fo: the issue of crying on set was brought up and she tried to play it off, saying that she actually liked the cut. But Tyra's keen sense of smell sniffed that shit out and called her on it!
Kortnie: dead eyes is what everyone seems to get from her. Kinda like the monolouge that Quint gives in "Jaws."
Nijah: this poor girl was lost from the start. She had no idea what anyone was talking about. I agree that her shirt looked like a nightgown - something Dorothy would have worn on "Golden Girls."
London: looked great in person and on photo. Her pose looked like something from Star Wars, but in a good way.
Allison: great photo. But, uh, isn't this girl supposed to be weird or something?
Sandra: the pannel basically panned her photo. Paulina said she wasn't projecting any light - which is a stupid thing to say since human beings can't do that. But I agree - Sandra is an agent of darkness, so no light projecting here.
Celia: HOLY SHIT. That photo was awesome.
Jessica: created a reality TV deja vu for me. When she primmed her hair I was immediatly brought back to the dark Tatiana del Toro days of American Idol. Luckily, the judges had the good sense to make fun of her for that. They also hated her photo b/c they aren't blind.
Thalia: in the photo she basically just stood there...and looked like an old hooker.
Natalie: what a fucking mess. Her hair, her shirt...ugh. The judges liked the photo but I thought she looked a tad palsey in the eye.
Teyona: her hair is really too funky BUT her photo was awesome.
Aminat: I think she's drowning.
When it came time for the judges to break it down:
Negative Positive
Fo London
Kortnie Allison
Nijah Celia
Sandra Natalie
Thalia Teyona
Jessica
Aminat
Deathmatch! Thinderdome Battle!
Fo vs. Jessica
Tyra broke it down for both of them. Fo needs to cut the crying...on set. So, it's OK in the house? I hope so! Jessica is only pretty in person; her photos are nasty. I love that Jessica has started crying even before she's called forward w/ Fo, but she's got her hands jammed into her pockets. Of course Fo stays, she's a cry baby, while Jessica has nothing to bring to the table.
Nobody seems all that bummed that Jessica was leaving - sorry Jessie! Tyra tells her that it's not always about being pretty, blah, blah, blah. Jessica says she understands. But promptly forgets the second she leaves; during her voice-over good by she says that she should have stayed longer b/c she thinks she's prettier than all the other girls! You are Jessie, you are!
Next Week: Charm School
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