Why do I do this to myself?

So, I really only follow a few reality tv shows and I only recap one of them (ANTM, duh) but recently I started watching a new show on SyFy called WCG Ultimate Gamer. The reason I began following it is that I know two people on it: Faye Mata and Justin Wong. Both were in the short film I just wrapped on and both are darling people. I felt it was my patriotic duty to watch and show some love. Little did I know just how tailor-made this show is for me!

Almost everyone on it looks pretty old, especially when you consider that they all play video games for a living. And, OK, OK, I know that video games aren't exclusive to kids anymore but really, grow up. Get a hair cut. Get a real job. Except, the winner will get $100,000, so what do I know?! The oldness factor is always a boon to a reality show: people have chips on their shoulders or just live a little too hard. Either way: entertainment.

And as far as I can tell, the challenges are designed to embarrass and humiliate. So I'm all for that. And? DRAMA. Already there is a shit stirrer! It's a girl fight, or should I say Kat fight? Two of the house girls, Kat and Vanessa have a history and Kat is more than happy to capitalize on it. Love! Kat literally looks DIRECTLY at the camera when she calls Vanessa over to start something. LOOVE!!

I'm dubious of how dramatic this is going to get because Kat plays it safe and asks why Vanessa doesn't "say hi" to her at competitions. Um, what? OK, nevermind, it's all good. Vanessa tries to be cool about it and says that they just don't click "personality-wise" and then adds a "homey" to it. Kat tells her not to call her homey and then suggests Vanessa doesn't like her because Kat stole her boyfriend. STOLE HER BOYFRIEND.

Vanessa is such a pussy. This is all high school bullshit here and it's obvious that Kat is the Alpha Female. She kinda reminds me of Juliette Lewis in "Whip It" -

Here is Kat intimidating Vanessa.

Vanessa, barf. In reference to her stolen boyfriend "Well, I didn't like him anyway" Oh shut up and start your period already.

There's also some idiot on the show with hipster hair that everyone thinks is weak-sauce. I just think he's a moron. Which means he'll probably take the whole thing.

Anyway, every week the contestants have to do "Real Life Challenges", which is what I am most excited about. It's pretty awesome: the producers of the show take typical game scenarios and put them in a real life context. The contestants have to perform and win the challenge to stay out of the Elimination Challenge. Trust me, this is easy.

This week's challenge is Tekken 6. That camera whips to Justin because he is THE fighting game champion. And even though he's a Street Fighter man, all the way, Tekken is a fighting game he's good at. Alright. So Tekken has a lot of "high flying" martial arts in it, very Hong Kong cinema, which means the contestants will be hoisted up into the air and set to beat each other up. I hope someone hurls.

Let me just point out that I already knew Faye was adorable but this show drives it home. She hasn't had much screen time but she always seems to be somewhere in the background, visible in the shot. She's an Anime character, for reals. And I really lover her because she's like Cycle 10's Anya but, like, not a total 'tard. Or a 'tard at all!

Edit: turns out they will NOT be beating the shit out of each other. Two Fighters will attempt to pull orbs off each others suits and then drop them to the ground. At ground level is a Catcher, who must (duh) catch the orbs. OMG. This is so Double Dare!!!

Kelly Hu shows up and says that wire work is "deceptively difficult", which, huh?

At this point I don't really care much about anyone besides Faye and Justin, so I'm only going to mention the most dumb assed things that come up. Which, right off the bat is Ryan (with the hipster hair) saying he was "taken by storm" when they started hoisting him up. Dude, it's "taken aback", unless he's trying to do a play on words for WoW or something. Either way: dumb.

I was a little bummed that everyone just kind of flailed around instead of actually kicking and punching each other.

Some guy named Yaz (which is just so wonderful since I enjoy having a regular monthly cycle) is nervous because he's doing this in front of Kelley Hu because she does this for a living. Way to minimalize her acting career.

Faye gets to fight! She gets suited up in a neon green helmet and calls herself a Ninja Turtle. Then, when she's hoisted ut she busts out a total Trinity pose to psyche out her opponent. Jobless Fatty AJ is totally turned on. As am I! The producers turn on the sprinklers and it totally throws Faye off. That makes me sad. On top of that, the other team (the one Justin is on!) wins and Faye's team is in last place. So they will have to fight it out.

On a side note: Vanessa is delighted about her team's win because it means she "beat" Kat. Even though she didn't do a fucking thing. Maybe she caught some orbs. But still: Shut up Vanessa.

Everyone starts playing Tekken 6. AJ and Faye are getting along but, sorry dude, her body language tells me that she ain't into it. Yaz starts talking about getting Kat eliminated and suggests that Justin compete against her in the elimination. Ryan sneaks off to Kat and tattles to her, thinking that he will endear himself to her by letting her in on the shit talking. Kat is excited about the idea that folks think she's hot shit, even though she's pretty freaked out by having to fight Justin.

The whole ranking thing makes my brain hurt so I just ignore it. I have to wonder why the controls are so far away from the TV they have set up. Faye kicks some ass! Vanessa loses!! And Justin murders it.

So, even though there was a loosing team, one person in particular will be up for elimination based on scores. And that person is: Mike. Mike is a baby-faced jock and I could care less about it. The person in first place is Yaz (!) and Justin is rather surprised by that. He understands that by giving advice to the other contestants, he totally gave his shit away. Dur.

I'm still sticky on the whole eliminating system. Yaz was in first place, Mike in last. So Mike is up for elimination while Yaz gets to chose who else gets to be in the bottom. It's a weird system but I guess I do like it since it leaves everything open to massive amounts of drama. Yaz tells the other team that he's not sending any of his teammates home so they better start practicing.

Yaz talks to Vanessa about putting Kat in the elimination and she's all about that.

Later Kat comes into the room and it's totally framed like a shark gliding into seal-infested waters. She pulls Yaz aside and tries to convince him not to put her into elimination. He says that he wouldn't do it "just because of Vanessa" which totally throws off his game. Who will he pick? Eh, he still picks Kat.

Then the female host asks if there is any other reason for picking Kat and Yaz says no. Then she asks Kat if she thinks there's another reason and she fingers Vanessa. Not like that, though you know she'd love it. Vanessa, all high on her security and friendship with Yaz, tosses off that this is just about the competition and that "we" felt this was the best choice. I like that Vanessa is so dumb and hopped up on her place right now that she let the "we" drop, even after Yaz expicitly stated that this was HIS decision. If Kat stays, shit if going to fly.

Oh, poor dumb Mike. Yaz quietly asks him not fuck up and Mike thinks it's some unspoken thing. "If I help you out, you'll help me out." You get that shit on paper or it didn't happen. Yaz totally needs Kat to go home now since he straight up lied to her face.

Almost everyone in the house helps out Mike but Kat is a pro, so it's anyone's game. Faye tells Kat she hopes she comes back, which makes me happy. If Faye thinks she's worth it than I made the right choice. Anyway, Kat needs to come back because she is infinitely more interesting than Mike and Vanessa needs to keep her trap shut. Her rant about Kat "attacking" her was so wack.

The elimination stage looks like dick and balls.

Mike takes round one. Kat takes round two. Mike takes round three. Kat takes round four. Mike takes round five. Kat takes round six. Kat takes round seven. Mike takes round eight. Tie Breaker: KAT. MUTHAFUCKAS.

I have to pause for a minute because the fucking garbage truck is making a ton of noise. Of course, right as I pause it goes quiet.

Next Week: Wii and the competition gets "wet and wild."

ANTM 15

It's that time of year again! And even though I haven't finished my one-shot recap of last season I want to share a few thoughts on the newest crop of girls. CWTV hasn't released any photos of the contestants or even a group shot; instead, we have video clips of all 15. Normally I ignore these clips and just base my critiques off the pictures, but this time around that's not possible. What I learned was that everyone ranges from ugly as shit to fairly normal looking. And they all seem really reserved (read: booooring).

Anamaria - she had a gut feeling to try out for show. I have a gut feeling that her gap tooth will be an interesting subject, if she sticks around. And even though she's from Queens, Anamaria has a little Wisconson in her voice. Also: "hiddeness of me"?

Ann - never thought about being on the show but her friends insisted that she try out - you're friends think you're a bitch. Whoa, check those ears out. She's also too tall (6'2"). You can't really see it when she's sitting in front of the camera but her fashion leans a little to the Gothic-Lolita style. Plus, it turns out that Ann is suuuuuuuper skinny, which is causing a lot of controversy. From what I have seen of her, she seems pretty healthy and alert.

Chelsey - likes Beauty Shots and runway. She also thinks she's edgy and differnt looking and maybe a ditzy blonde. Whatever.

Chris - is supposed to win this competition, loves herself (but maybe in a joking way), has a sister in the competition. Chris is one of the lucky few that actually looks like a normal person.

Esther - AHHHHHHHHH! Maybe she's a muppet? But seriously, you guys, she is hideous. More friends egging her into trying out for the show; I'd love to meet her friends and Anamaria's friends, just to ask them if they really do think the girls are dumb ass bitches. She has lived in different countries, speaks French at home, and said "arwords"(?) when she meant awards. Turns out that she is the plus sized model with a 30G bra size. Yummy!

Jane - talks about her unique look, is the theme this cycle "ugly"? She has a super short clip, possibly because the Vicoden kicked in and she fell asleep on camera.

Kacey - a repeat auditioner who made it Cycle 11, but did not go far. She likes Jasline and Dani and YaYa ... 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Claims she's down-to-earth but people think she looks like a bitch. Hmmmm ...

Kayla - looks like Rachel Dratch, plays soccer and has a bad neck.

Kendal - thinks she was born to model and doesn't want to do anything else (do you think it's because these girls don't know how to do anything else?), doubts herself a lot.

Lexie - she looks like a shark. It's obvious that she wants to be on the show to get a free hair-cut and a free plane ride. Turns out she can join MENSA and was a professional artist and a nationally ranked high jumper.

Liz - looks familiar? Wants to be somebody big, doesn't think that modeling is hard work, thinks she's a comedian, is a single mother, works two jobs, video totally cut out ... bummer

Rhianna - looks like Drew Barrymore, dresses like Annie Hall, seems very timid, finds it upsetting when she sees her clothes on other people, tall (6'1 1/2"). I get an Allison vibe from her but maybe not as charming.

Sara - tried out for Cycle 11 but didn't make it, understood that she was boring the first time time around so made sure to be an idiot this time around, "I think yurze would be surprised ..."?, has a baby

Terra - has tried out 4 times, is Chris' sister, reminds me of a girl I used to work with, talks a little fast, claims that she is very truthful, "actually" a tomboy.

Nothing revelatory just yet but we still have a few weeks to go. I'm hoping that we get some photos soon; it will be interesting to judge the girls on their looks after having seen their "personalities."

Bonus!

This cycle will take place in LA again! The over seas location has not been announced yet. And the winner will be on Italian Vogue. Wow!!

WTF is this shit?

ANTM (America's Next Top Model, for all you losers that don't know) is coming back March 10, with an extended premiere. And while the official CW website has nary a photo of the new crop, the Internets are abuzz with gossip. Kinda. I think everyone is just complaining about the photos that have been released and how awful they look. I'm all for crazy-kooky 80's kitch...but this?

Let's meet these bitches:

Name: Gabrielle

She's 18 years old and looks like a dead hooker in this picture/makeup/hair. Does it have to be so obvious how much Tyra hates these girls?

Name: Krista

First things first: why is there always some low-rent knock off version of Iman or Grace Jones on this show? Obviously Tyra isn't about to have a Naomi look-a-like (don't go there) but why the same old, same old? Now: this bitch is 26. TWENTY SIX!!

Name: Brenda

I am a sucker for redheads, so even though I think this thing is just a boring Majorie wannabe, I'm going to root for her. Plus, I can't tell if she's a bitch or just an idiot.

Name: Simone

Now there is a bitch. She could be attractive but that dumbass hair is just too much. Let's hope this is before make overs - er, Ty-overs. (She's 19, whatever.)

Name: Raina

Look. Sometimes I can't come up with snarky comments. I just can't. This is one of those times. Because this chick is nasty and I don't want to share a can of soda with her - even if I do get Mono and loose 20lbs. - it just wouldn't be worth it. Find some fucking Purell.

Name: Alexandra

I like her because she is clearly a throwback to the early 80's. She has her own soft focus, just like how some girls make their own wind. Now, I'm sure she's a moron and, heck, maybe she's a bitch too but I'm going to root for her.

Name: Anslee

Anslee? ANSLEE?! Maybe that's why she's making that face...

Name: Angelea

Imma call this one: Stripper. But I also have to caution that I am so fucking jealous of her hair.

Name: Naduah

I would like to begin by formally apologizing to Raina - even though I still think she's super funky in a bad way - because Naduah (really? Go fuck yourself with that) is FUGLY. God. Damn.

Name: Ren

She just looks like a bitch, huh? But I love her. Mostly because I am going to assume that she was named after my favorite Chiuhuaha.

Name: Alasia

Sigh...Another low-rent Ghetto Bitch. She'll be gone by episode 5. Better hair than Gabrielle though.

Name: Jessica

Oh, for fuck's sake...

Name: Tatianna

Now, I can't tell if she's making that face on purpose (like she thinks it sexy) or if it's all just a big jumbled together mess that will be eliminated first.

There you go kids - the newest crop of girls! They will be heading to Auckland for the finale because ANTM has gone to every corner of the earth. Oh, no they haven't. Whatever.

ANTM - Busted

I'm sorry to say that it looks like the rest of this cycle will not get the coverage that I had hopped I could give. There's a lot going on right now, which is good, but it's taking up most of my time. What I'd like to do is get you all a quick cover of what happened in the week's episode and maybe one or two pictures.

Sorry again, hopefully this summer's cycle will be better!

ANTM#4 - Are you fucking kidding me with this?

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

This happens every cycle. And every cycle we all fall for it in some way or another. But I was deeply disappointed this time around: trying to make Bianca sympathetic is just stupid.

As I pointed out last episode, Bianca is a survivor of an abusive relationship but we don't really hear too much about that. If she told any of the other girls in the house (besides Nicolle and just recently), it doesn't seem like they give a shit. And rightly so. This may sound harsh and even terrible but Bianca is an unpleasant person that deserves what she gets. I'm not saying that she deserved to be slapped around by her douche bag boyfriend (no matter how mouthy or unpleasant a woman is, you can always just dump her) but I am saying that whatever shit gets thrown her way by the producers or girls in the house, she completely asked for it.

Notice that Rae (who was kidnapped, raped and dumped at a gas station) doesn't flout her tragedy or behave like a ragging narcissistic bitch to the other girls in the house.

Let's move on...

Except we can't. LuLu and Ashley are complaining about Bianca, which is hardly noteworthy until Nicolle pipes up (during a private one-on-one) to point out that this makes them Shitty People. Just so you know, this means that they will be the Bad Guys once Bianca is kicked off.

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

Notice that Kara is lying in there with them. What does that mean? I can't be sure. Maybe she is trying to latch onto the "stronger" girls in the competition or maybe she just wants to be as close to whoever is calling people names, just so she won't get on their shit list. Or maybe she was just cold.

Challenge: Runway

(Awesome. A runway challenge RIGHT AFTER Courtney leaves)

It's pretty basic: the girls have to walk down a run way for Miss J, so he can make fun of them. Then they will partner up with another girl (wearing the same clothes as them) and people will compare who is better.

But first we are introduced to the amazing Diva Divanna (9) who rules at life.

(gif from fourfour.typepad.com)

There are some pretty old criticisms from Miss J about the girls:

Rae - right arm is stiff

Sundai - looks bored*

LuLu - seems shy**

Erin - weird right leg

Kara - leads with her chin

*OK, so I have come to the conclusion that this is just what Sundai does when she is called on to perform. She looks bored in front of the camera, and now on the catwalk. Either they are going to have to figure out a way to give her a shoot or challenge that accentuates "bored" or she is outta here.

**My favorite of all time load of crap "I'm not changing my walk, this is my signature walk." Your walk sucks, just like what's-her-fucking-name's walk sucked. CHANGE IT.

When the girls get home it becomes obvious that Bianca is not the only target for the Ashley/LuLu Bummer Train. Ashley talks trash about Brittany...sigh...

Sundai then decides to tell Bianca that Courtney talked shit on her. Did she? I don't really remember that ever happening. You think that maybe the producers would have shown that just to kinda make us like her even more (and there fore make her going home all the more tragic).

So, what does this mean about Sundai?

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

I think she kinda sucks. And I think she kinda agrees.

Ashley and LuLu pick on Bianca about her eyebrows and then ask her why she's giving them attitude. Maybe it's because you suck so hard. "So hard" because you are making me take Bianca's side.

(photo from fourfour.typepad.com)

Here's a good summary of these two: Ashley is so relaxed and enjoying herself because she doesn't have to do anything. LuLu will happily make herself the asshole of any situation by behaving/looking like an idiot. Talk about abusive relationships...

The nicest thing about the whole episode is that everyone gets what's going on with Ashley/LuLu. And they are over it.

Fashion Show: Walking with tall models

The girls must walk the runway, partnered with taller (normal sized) models. The winner gets a spread in 17 magazine for the Prom Issue.

Predictably, LuLu is too busy to focus on the challenge because she is talking so much shit.

Kinda reminds you of someone?

Turns out all that not paying attention really worked for them because, oh wait, it didn't.

Miss J and Anne Shoket called Ashley and Lulu out for doing a poor job. Bianca also got honorable mention for her stank face.

Brittany wins the challenge and picks Laura and Kara to go with her to the photo shoot. For some reason I wrote down that Kara is fucking weird, which is true, but I can't remember exactly why...

Later, during a touching Hot Tub moment Nicolle tries to get to the bottom of Bianca's attitude problem. Bianca sums it up by saying that she doesn't do "soft looks" because that's when you "get hurt." What?

Ashley becomes SUPER paranoid over anyone talking to Bianca and immediately ambushes Nicolle when she walks into the house. She calls her naive and claims that Nicolle just doesn't get that Bianca is a bad person. Which is great because Ashley doesn't know anything about Bianca and she's the bad person.

Photo Shoot: Looking taller

OK, why do they keep trying to make the girls look taller but continue to remind us that this is a special competition because all the girls are short?

(Do I even need to mention that LuLu started in - again - on Brittany? I think I should mention that Brittany doesn't even seem to notice that this is happening. How effective!)

Ashley

On the surface, she seems to have it together but look at the face: there's nothing there. I think I should also point out that last week's shot was Garbage.

Bianca

This is a pretty nice photo. Her face looks good, the pose is interesting and she's selling the clothes. Her only problem was scrunching her body up like that - it doesn't make her look tall at all.

Brittany

This is a terrible picture. Everything about it is silly and bad.

Erin

Again, this girl seems to have a Midas Touch. (Also, I want those shoes!)

Jennifer

This is a huge improvement from last week and a lovely photo to boot.

Kara

Best photo of the week? Maybe but I don't really think so. She also looks a bit muscular, which doesn't bother me as much as it normally bothers the judges.

Laura

This is only OK for me, which is sad because Laura should win this. For some reason sh just couldn't pull it out of the bag this time.

LuLu

After spending so much time not focusing on the photo shoot or the competition, we get this...

Nicolle

The judges freaked out over this one since it did exactly what they were asking for...and was not the Photo of the Week. That is Weak.

Rae

Here's another one that fell flat for me. She's forgetting her face and the pose is a little lingerie catalogue.

Sundai

Sundai Photo 5">

This is a nice photo because she doesn't look bored out of her mind. But the body is a little average for me.

I need to point out that LuLu has really made herself out to be quite an asshole. Whatever your thoughts or beliefs are, there's no reason to shit all over a person for thinking differently than you. So, even though Bianca's "Jesus is my homeboy" mini-speech was kinda whatever for me, I did not roll my eyes or call bullshit on her. Like LuLu did. Because LuLu is a nasty bitch.

Panel

(Guest Judge: Jamie Richar)

Tya graciously explains her method to her madness. She picked all the girls in this competition because they are all beautiful but she doesn't want people to pass them over just because they are shorter than the average model. So she is teaching them how to "be tall" so there's no excuses. Thanks Tyra!

Bianca manages to keep her mouth shut during the panel, which is probably why she's not in the bottom or on the Shit List.

Kara gets called first. Nicolle second. Erin third. Sundai fourth and Jennifer fifth. I'm happy that Jennifer is getting back on top.

Deathmatch: LuLu vs. Brittany

LuLu is supposedly the judges favorite girl to look at but her photos are sucking.

Brittany took a good photo last week but has been "inconsistent." In three weeks?

Going Home: who gives a shit since LuLu is the one to go home. I guess Karma really is a bitch, nice to know LuLu will have something to talk about during the ride home.

Of course, Ashley is fucking crushed but I'm sure she will move on and find someone else to puppeteer soon enough.

Next Week: Tyra shoots the girls! (I wish!)

ANTM#3 - Horse of a Different Color

We begin things with the most horrible person alive (Bianca) realizing that she needs to be more careful at Panel. No! Nonononononooo! If you stopped being so Stank, we wouldn't get to see this any more:

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

But whatever, fuck that chick. She's on her last leg anyway. That's the ultimate power of Asshole: if you remember, Bianca's story was one of trail and sadness. Her boyfriend beat her and verbally abused her; she finally managed to leave and made the decision to be on ANTM to prove to herself that she could be a model (possibly to prove that she is, indeed, beautiful). But now she's just a Bitch.

Rachel reveals that she worked at Wal-Mart before auditioning. Which is a surprise! I just assumed this was Rachel's life before ANTM

And Courtney decides to take her walking cast off...whoooooo cares!

Challenge 1: Interviews/Making an impression

The girls are taken to the Wilimena Modeling Agency to meet with the president of the company. They will have to interview with him and make a lasting impression. Nigel will be there to officiate.

LuLu claims to love the "fashion world" but admits that she doesn't pay attention to designers or photographers. Right. In. Front. Of. Nigel.

Rachel talks about having done musical theater (REALLY!?!) but blanks when asked to perform a song.

Nobody else made much of a lasting impression on me, so I'm just going to skip to the best part of this: SOMEONE IS GOING HOME RIGHT NOW!

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

Aaaaaaaaaand - it's Rachel. Awwwww....

(gif from fourfour.typepad.com)

Now here comes my favorite part: talking shit!

Right when they get home the girls start shitting all over Rachel. The best? Jennifer stating that she "like her and all" but she didn't really connect with Rachel. I love you too Jennifer...I love you too...

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

Later, the girls are whisked away to a random photo shoot with a random douche. He starts screaming and freaking out right away, distracting the girls from Tyra as she sneaks into the room dressed like this:

And then this happens:

(gif from fourfour.typepad.com)

Turns out we can count Multiple Personality Disorder as one of Tyra's many talents. The lass in the gif is SMIZE! The Super Model Super Hero! The word is basically Smile with Your Eyes but in Bizzaro Speak. And according to the reliable source of urbandicitonary.com it also means: The condition of having ejaculate in one's eye, which stings like the dickens.

Tyra works with the girls teaching them how to Smize (shudder) and it becomes clear that Jennifer just might be screwed.

Challenge 2: Smizing in the Fortress of Fierceness!

(wtf? I have no idea what is going on here)

Tyra greets the girls claiming that Smize had an emergency blah, blah, blah so she is here instead. Then (just for the fuck of it I assume) she has the girls dress up in this shit:

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

Well, at least Laura seems to be having fun.

The girls cover up their mouths to complete the Gay Ninja look and compete against each other to see who could smile with their eyes the best. Example:

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

I reeaaallly wish I had a shot of it but there was a great moment when Jennifer and Bianca were up on the platform together and Jennifer raised both of her hands. Why did she do this? Boyfriend guessed that it was an effort to psyche out Bianca. I really like that idea.

The winners of this challenge get some nice dresses and a nice dinner with the president of Wilimena. The losers get to put on uniforms and wash dishes in the restaurant the winners are currently dining in.

Best moment: Erin says "I'm not here to do dishes, I'm here to be a model."

You know who else is not here to do dishes? Bianca:

(picture from fourfour.typepad.com)

In a feat of Asshole so impressive you head might explode, Bianca gets uber defensive when Jennifer points out that she is putting dirty dishes into a freshly cleaned dishwasher. According to everyone on the face of the earth, the dishwasher was clearly clean - even though Bianca points out that some of the dishes are still kinda nasty looking. Either way: she over reacts and everyone thinks she is retarded and disgusting.

Photo Shoot: A Day at the Races

In an effort to remind everyone, yet again, that this cycle is for short people, the girls are sent to a race track to pose as Jockies with horses. Sort of. They will be naked and real live Jockies will be with them. It's wonderful because while the girls are shirt to average in height, Jockies are (it's widely accepted) freakishly small.

Anyway, here's the run down:

Ashley

Looks OK, but it's hardly a convincing photo. Turns out to be a test shot - ooooo....

Bianca

By now they are just fucking with her, right? Tranny Prostitute is NOT a high fashion look. Nor is it desirable unless all you have is $20 bucks and it's Last Call.

Brittany

Beautiful but bland. And a tad skinny. But kudos to her for modeling from her head to her tippy toes.

Courtney

She looks sad. Maybe it's because Mr. J wouldn't let her take off the walking cast when she was taking pictures standing in front of the horse.

Favorite moment: Courtney, bitching to the camera, says "Leave my boot on? Do you see what I am wearing?" Boyfriend, responding to her query: "Nothing?"

Erin

Oh, come on...

Jennifer

She looks cute but a tad crazy. But that's my favorite kind of girl! Of course, she did psyche herself out a bit with the concern for her goofy eye. Turns out it's some medical thing (that's actually real) and Mr. J, in his usual cavalier way, gives her useless hints on how to work with it.

Kara

It's a beautiful photo, no doubt, but a boring one as well. Also, she looks a tad clueless. I'm not warming up to her just yet.

Laura

Looks gorgeous! But I must admit that after looking at the photo a couple of times, I'm a little put off by it. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what it is, but something doesn't sit right with me...

LuLu

This is an OK picture. She just looks like she's hanging out on a horse, nothing new...

Nicole

Here's another picture which time has changed for me. I have written down "looks crazy" but I don't see that any more.

Rae

I think she looks cute. The judges seemed to like the photo too. But there's nothing special about this picture. And after looking at her first photo (the ballerina) I'm starting to wonder if I like her as much as I thought I did. There is certainly and effortless quality she has, but is it mostly that she is attractive? Or is there some natural raw talent in there?

Sundai

It's sad to say but I think that Sundai is stumbling her way through these shoots. There's a lot of energy in that girl and she is a delight to watch but once she gets in front of the camera...nothing. Of course she looks lovely but is this a good picture? Not really.

Later on, back at the house, Courtney starts bitching about the whole boot thing. Erin is sick of it and she decides to tell C to cool it. Not having her thunder stolen, Courtney gets defensive. Unfortunatly the other girls back her up and Erin is left feeling a bit awkward.

Honestly I think the support of everyone else stems from the fact that this was not the best shoot. Most of the girls did only OK and even those that fared better have such crappy self-esteem they second guess everything.

Panel (w/ Guest Judge Lauren Conrad, because, why not!)

There were a few good moments:

Ashley's photo was revealed to be a test shot (BURN).

Brittany's photo was called out as Nigel's favorite.

Bianca starts in with the Stank right away by passive-agressivly bitching about her wig (with good reason though!) and Ms. J does his awesome Drag Queen voice.

Courtney does some feeble bitching about Das Boot.

Winners:

Erin (called first)

Brittany

Laura

Nicole

Kara

Death Match: Bianca vs. Courtney

Bianca needs to work on her attitude. She was bitchy and complained last week and she was bitchy and complained this week. Hopefully she will be bitchy and complain next week so Tyra can send her fucking ridiculous ass home.

Courtney's transgression was similar but smaller (imo). She gave up once she realized that the boot was staying on and it showed in her photo. She even went so far as to try to throw Mr. J under the bus, claiming that since it was his idea to keep it on, it was, basically his fault. Now that the boot is off, will things get better?

Going Home: Courtney

I guess we're never going to find out. Tyra explains AGAIN to Bianca that she needs to get her act together and then hugs it out with C.

Next Week: Fashion Show!