ANTM#2 - Makeovers!!! (part 1)

"Ty-over"? Really?

Lets just go down the list one by one, with a before and after photo:

Ashley

Obviously she got off pretty easy, with just a long weave. Looks nice.

Bianca

She also got off kinda easy...on the surface. Bleaching her eyebrows is a test - that B. TOTALLY failed.

Brittany

The color change may not seem like a big deal but it really does change her look. Now she is a sexy siren!

Courtney

The addition of more red to her hair is a nice touch but the Kate Gosslin from the back but all over is horrible. It's whatever for me.

Erin

The Ice Blond is the new thing this season but not the unique thing. Even though the look is supposed to be a little disturbing, I find it interesting.

Jennifer

She got rid of some split ends and Vulcanized her eyebrows. I'm not worried about the hair - what I'm worried about is the Precious Moments pose.

Kara

Kara got her some highlights and I could care less.

Laura

More highlights an more meh...but check out how scary she looks in the makeover shot!

Lisa

Lisa got a little trim but that's it. I think the stylist also cut off some talent.

LuLu

LuLu's weave is the most amazing thing I have seen in the last few cycles. Yeay for her!

Nicole

Nothing too shocking here - just a little more red and a perm. Looks good though.

Rachel

More dark hair. Looks good though! I'm wondering why she thought "last girl in a horror film" was a good pose though...

Rae

Here's the second Ice Blond and the third pair of bleached eyebrows. What's the point?

Sundai

For such a cute cut, they sure paired it with the clunkiest looking shoes ever.

You might have noticed that Amber was missing and Lisa suddenly reappeared. Well, even though we knew she was going to be in the Top14 (because they announce this in advance) it was till kind of a surprise to see how it unfolded. Amber left for "personal problems." There's been some speculation as to what these problems were; I happen to think that Jesus just called her home but others have pointed out that she was actually a troll. Fake or not, it would have been tons o' fun to have her along.

Instead we get Lisa....oh Lisa. I had such high hopes for you...

The brightest spot during Makeovers? Bianca telling us that she's not here to make "friendships."

ANTM #1 - The Short End of the Shit

So, here we are: the Fall cycle of ANTM. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant "Le Cycle."

(image from fourfour.typepad.com)

What anything has to do with France, I don't know. Is Tyra a closeted Francophile? She clearly has no shame in her love for Mrs. Roper...

Tyra and Mr. J

Beyond TyTy's maddening refusal to stop talking like Pepe Le Pue there were a few other annoying things:

Bianca is a bitch with a brain.

Nicole "Bloody Eyeball" is "more mature than the other girls."

Rae is a mother.

Allison* is a modeling teacher!

Brittany is a math major.

Amber* is a Jesus Freak!

Sundai has nothing to lose

*these girls did not make it through and that is seriously terrible.

I love Jennifer. I want to marry her so much. She got into a fight because some ho kissed her boyfriend. Also she kinda has a lazy eye thing going on.

(image from fourfour.typepad.com)

Amber lives in a trailer on the east-side of New Orleans, which is pretty poor. She also uses the toilet at McDonald's to take her dumps. She's braver than I am; but that's basically all MickyD's is good for anyway.

(image from fourfour.typepad.com)

Bianca is a much more interesting case: she was physically and verbally abused by her delightful sounding boyfriend. But at the same time she's a whiny little bee-yotch. More on her later.

Despite being the "black version" of Annie, Sundai is a bit more Pollyanna than you might imagine. Considering that her mother was a crazy lady -

(I pictured Whitney Huston in her prime on Being Bobby Brown)

she has a relatively sunny disposition. But she's also got nothing to lose and will most likely die if she isn't crowned the winner.

(image from fourfour.typepad.com)

Amber. Jesus Titty-fucking Christ. For the first few minutes she didn't really stick out, so when she did open her mouth and (inevitably) say something dumb I felt a little bad for her. Bianca was much too aggressive with her and the other girls were much to passive aggressive with her. Then the show kept going (as they usually do) and that's when things got interesting.

Amber is a Jesus Freak. While last cycle's London was composed if not retarded and a little bottom heavy, Amber is just bat-shit insane and Scarecrow thin. Making it even harder to take anything she says seriously.

compared to...

(image and gif from fourfour.typepad.com)

How blah is Erin? So blah that I only wrote one thing about her: she's "intelligence based."

Actually, I think that makes her kinda awesome.

How disappointed was I to meet Kara!?! I already figured that she's packing candy but I thought that little extra special something might be a super awesome personality. She shares her name with some other gals:

HOT

Hot Mess

How adorable is LuLu!?! I love that she is openly gay and I love that she tattooed her girlfriend's name on her boobie. Not only is that hard-core, it's also super trashy.

Here's Nicole looking about 10,000x's more animated than in the entire 2-hour episode.

Here's Nicole during those 2 hours.

Seriously, WTF is up with this chick? I can't tell if she is intentionally off-putting just to psyche out the other girls or if she really buys into the shit she talks about. Bringing a rusty wheel-barrow to school instead of a backpack is just the perfect way to alienate yourself. When people do stuff like that on purpose it just means they want attention. When people do that because it seems normal to them it means they are sociopaths.

Right, Micheal?

Yeah, that's not actually Laura - but it could be. I'm liking her more and more. Of course, I could get pie all over my face when it becomes obvious that it's all an act. But it's gonna be fun while it lasts!

Rae is a very likable girl. She's had some troubles in her life (being abducted and raped) but she seems to be of the "I'm not going to let this define me" school and instead chose to continue living her life. Instead of making her tragedy her life. Sweet Jesus don't let her be a bitch.

How awesome is that?! It comes from Japan, where Rachel might have come from. At least the weird, uncomfortable cartoons they produce over there. So far there's not much about her that stands out except for her eyes, so it should be interesting to see where she takes this.

You might notice that some of the girls that do make it to the final 14 aren't on this list - that's because I don't care about them just yet. You gotta work for your money, bitches. But there are also a few that didn't make the cut but made a lasting impression on me. The forerunner for most awesome person ever is Raven because Miss J said: "She makes me want to tinkle." That's how I feel about this show sister.

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the YEEAAAR!

It's baaaack! ANTM (America's Next Top Model, but if you don't know that by now - fuck you) will be starting September 9th. The CW has FINALLY released the top girls (14). Of course it's always a little anti-climactic to already know who is going to be on the show - but it's almost more fun to judge them before even hearing them talk. I know there are a lot of videos and other promotional stuff out there, but I prefer to wait until the premire.

For now, let's take a look at the memebers of the Lollipop Guild that made the cut:

(What? Don't you remember - everyone is 5'7" and under this cycle!)

Ashley

She hails from Chicago but currently lives in Brooklyn. Her occupation is listed as "artist." I'm going to bet $5 that the first thing Trya will say to Ashely include the words "Barack" and "Obama." Other than that, she's a little whatever for me.

Bianca

From South Carolina, currently Washington D.C. Says that she's a "student" - what the fuck is she studying? How to look exactly like the craziest bitch (before Thalia) from last season? Why do they do this? Her name is even reused. This makes me think that the producers are telling us she will be the Crazy Bitch this cycle. So I refuse to believe it.

Brittany

Doesn't she look like a bowl full of crazy?! She's a student from Livermore, California but now lives in Santa Clara, California. Lame. Moving from one part of the state to another? The last two bitches moved out of the state - this just makes you look lazy. But then...it says Santa Clara, which makes me think Santa Carla - which is the location that "The Lost Boys" took place (fictional, but whatever). So I like that. Hopefully her crazy will combine with some shitty outlook on life; maybe she voted Yes on Prop. 8.

Courtney

OMG. This girl is fantastic. She looks like Ashley Judd. Is a Cheer Instructor and comes from Florida. CHRIST. How white trash do you have to be? Aaaand, since she's a cheer instructor none of the other girls are going to take her seriously, which will cause her to get a huge chip on her shoulder. Hopefully she's the first one to have a breakdown this cycle.

Erin

I'll admit that she looks lovely but she also looks boooooring. She's a students from Kenosha, Wisconsin (you better believe I'm going to say that with a Fargo accent for the duration of the show) but now lives in Sprig Grove, Illinos. I see black horse here...an edgy hair cut might make all the difference.

Jennifer

ME LIKEY!!! Finally, another Asian chick on the show. Sheila was WASTED on that cycle, so I'm going to assume that Jennifer is here with a vengance. She's also got a great face too. Originally from Philly, Jennifer currently resides in NY. Aaaand she's a model. Awesome, so we can just crown her now and be done with it!

Kara...

is a man.

Laura

This is Laura. She looks a little confused. Is it because she's from Kentucky? Maybe. Is it because she is a waitress? Doubt it. I think it's because she's so fucking skinny that her nerves have some how detached themselves from her brain and she clearly never has any idea where she is.

Lisa

Look at that smug little face. Fuck it. I change my mind: Lisa should win. Everything about her is awesome. She's 5'5", from Queens and is a student. I imagine that she sounds like Rosie Perez when she talks. This bitch is the best.

Lulu

Hmmm...she looks pretty gangsta. And she's from Brooklyn. But I think she's too young (19) to really succed in this. I'll bet that she is the First Bitch in the house and the others take her down pretty swiftly. Like a National Geographic doc.

Nicole

Ugh. It's like Tori Amos and Gollum had a baby. She looks annoying, which could mean anything since all the girls are annoying in their own special way. I think Tyra will either cop off her hair or dye it pale, pale blonde.

Rachel

She looks like "Gadget" from "Chip 'n' Dale's Rescue Rangers."

Rea

I'm going crazy now. Every time I look at one of these bitches I see someone famous. So: Rae looks like Clair Danes. But not as delightful.

Sundai

HOLY FUCKBALLS. This girl can't be real, can she? Her name is "Sundai"? Like, Ice Cream Sundae but spelled wrong? Or even the day of the week but REALLY spelled wrong? On top of that, she's from Bakersfield which is THE worst place on earth. And she has a moustache.

So there you go folks. In just one week we will get to meet these short stacks and watch the battle begin. I will try to provide the best coverage that I can, especially since I've gotten a little better at the pictures and everything!

Secrets!

I've been looking for pictures of the new crop of "ladies" on this cycle of ANTM. And I've been coming up empty-handed. Cest la vive! I do, however, have a few tid bits to share!

Guest judges include: Kim Kardashian, Lauren Conrad, and Cheryl Tiegs. Guest judges are one thing, but I'm wondering just what's going to happen to the vacant seat on the Judges Panel? After Tyra dismissed Paulina (on P's birthday - way to go TyTy!), there's been no word on a suitable replacement. This kind of makes me take the producer's statement that they "thought 4 judges was too many" and they "wanted to pare things down a little."

The International Destination is always a big part of every cycle. So far, I'm a little disappointed. Usually I will check into Wikipedia.org to see what's the "official" word, but they didn't have anything. So then I just started surfing the internets. Turns out the girls showed up in Maui. Huh, Maui. Beautiful place, no doubt, but "international"? FUCK. Is Tyra going to try to tie Barak Obama into this somehow?

But Hawaii could just be a lay-over for the girls.

That's it for now, unfortunately!

Hola!

Well, it's been about a month now since I last posted. And usually I hate to stay away, but I needed the time to not think too much. That sounds like a pretty irresponsible thing to say, but it's true for me - right now at least. Things are a little better.

I signed up for Monster.com, CareerBuilder.com and HotJobs.com earlier this month; I've found a lot of really good, solid sounding stuff but haven't heard back from anyone. Then, Boyfriend's cousin's friend announced that she would be going to school in San Francisco. That means a job opening at the coffee shop she works for will come up. She's all about talking me up and getting me in there, which I am so grateful for.

Sure, it's not terribly glamorous but I don't give a shit. It is a job and not a job that requires me to feel bad about myself. I would still have time to write with Big Blue and work with The Chef part-time. This is a good opportunity for me. I am happy about this.

Just to throw a bunch of stuff together:

I did lose 5lbs. a few weeks ago and then managed to gain a bunch of it back. So I've gone crazy trying to figure out what the fuck I am going to do with myself.

I've still been cooking and baking, so I will have more recipes for you soon.

Movie Watch is a new thing that I'm thinking of doing. Some of it will be reviews, other bits will just be Oscar predictions.

ANTM (as mentioned) will return in September and I will be covering it, even though every year/cycle it makes my soul die a little more.

I think, on the whole, things are getting better. And I am looking forward to a new beginning.