Brazil Nuts!!!

So, they are still refusing to say that London was too fat to stay. Instead it's all being contributed to "her beauty wasn't translating to film", as opposed to Aminat...

At first I was extra annoyed w/ Teyona b/c she was claiming that people were starting to hate on her...paranoid! Oh, wait, Fo is - b/c she's retarded. So, I guess I'm just the usual amount of annoyed w/ Teyona now.

Welcome to Sao Paulo, Brazil! Shitty city, massive crime rate, loads of smog and human waste. Also, Fashion Capital of South America! And the location of a treasure hunt for the girls. They are charged w/ finding the favorite flower of the real "Girl from Iponiema." Everyone splits up into teams (Celia and Allison, Teyona and Amiant, Natalie and Fo) and races to the location! Turns out the flower in question is a Bird of Paradise, which is kinda cool. Once they have hold of the flower, they have to go to a location and find the actual girl the song was based on. I figured that just meant they would get to see a statue or something - but no! There she was! Dancing rythmlessly and speaking terrible English.

Let me just mention two things: EVERYONE seems to think that Teyona is competition, but I don't understand why. And Natalie is on my last fucking nerve; she spent the ENTIRE episode bitching and complaining about every god damned thing.

Fo and Natalie are the first to arrive, followed by Teyona and Aminat, and lastly Celia and Allison. The winning girls are handed the keys to their new Penthouse and everyone goes to check it out. It's pretty cool; I guess I'm conditioned to expect a house covered in odd looking decor and pictures of Tyra...

Later on the girls are introduced to Capoiera by a guy that says his name and it comes out sounding like "Eddie Murphy." According to Eddie, Capoiera can help the models create drama, which none of them need help w/ in real life. Girls are paired off to "spar." Natalie sucked ass, naturally. Celia was doing a great job w/ Aminat, and then endeared herself to me forever by "accidentally" kicking her in the head. Not very hard mind you, but I felt it. 

The best part was when Aminat said that it's OK the first time, but she's going to break some legs if it happens again. Why would Celia do it again? Who the fuck does Aminat think she's dealing w/, Chuck Norse?!?

Anyway, just remember that if you ever meet Aminat, you can kick her in the head and it's OK - but only once.

Photo Challenge: Fashionable Fighting

The winner gets 50% more frames - taken from another girl.

All the girls have to do is remember some of the moves they learned 5 minutes ago and take pictures doing just that.

• Teyona forgot she was at a photo shoot and just lumbered around for a few minutes
• Allison did the exact opposite and banged out a great shoot
• Celia had some dynamic shots but managed to BLOCK HER FACE most of the time
• Fo did fine but forgot her face
• Natalie looked dumb - the J's were nicer and said "clumsy"
• Aminat did whatever...when is this girl leaving?

Fo wins! Wait, what? How did that happen when the J's pointed out that she looked like a pug?!? I mean, pugs are super cute (no doubt) but hardly model-esqe. Anyway. She manages to act like a fool by taking her 50% from Teyona, claiming revenge for last week. But just to annoy me even further, she throws in that "Teyona is strong competition." 

Later on Teyona instigates some shit by confronting Fo. Teyona hardly made sense but Fo made even less when she claimed that she looked embarrassed in front of everyone last week. Uh...no one cares about you!

Photo Shoot: Carmen Miranda

The girls get to pose in a shitty neighborhood, while trying to channel Carmen Miranda. Sort of.

• Celia seemed to be holding back a little w/ everything, especially the face
• Allison looked so good and came off as adorable
• Natalie just sat there, like she always does, and was worried about all the poor people around her. Not, like, their well-being, but more so them touching her
• Aminat still looks confused and boring
• Teyona gave some great smiles
• Fo came across as very Carmen Miranda/drag queen. But I felt bad for her b/c Mr. J was all over the place w/ his "directing" and she just got more and more confused...

Later on we learn that while Natalie isn't worried about panel, Aminat is. Foreshadowing!

Panel

• Aminat (looks great!): the photo is OK but her face is whatever. The judges point out that she's been giving the same "Black Girl Model Pose" since day one.
• Natalie (looks terrible!): her photo is bland and the judges note that while the pose is pretty good, it's lacking sparkle. Also, SHE TRIED TO THROW MR. J UNDER THE BUS!!! Tyra was having none of that.
• Celia (spunky!): eh...not amazing. I agree that it is her weakest shot, but nothing worthy of getting kicked out for.
• Allison (adorable): GREAT FACE! Everyone notes that she looks Alive - best photo yet.
• Fo (casual but bright): it's agreed that she does look like Carmen Miranda but it's just cute and not fashionable.
• Teyona (ugh...): it was just OK for me, though I still loved all her smiles. The judges pointed out that the photo was an editorial version of Carmen Miranda.

Positive

Allison - has totally redeemed herself

Teyona - very model-esqe (whatever)

Negative

Fo - too much of an actor

Celia - not fresh

Aminat - a one-trick pony

Natalie - mo energy/boring

Thunderdome Battle! Deathmatch!

Aminat vs. Natalie

According to Tyra, Natalie is the prettiest girl/obvious model in the competition. Natalie loved to hear that. But she is also uninspiring. I imagine Natalie wasn't as pleased w/ that observation.

Aminat has the best body (which is probably true) but thinks she's doing more than she really is. Which is definitely true.

Going Home: Natalie - all she learned was that "you need to have thicker skin." But she did wonder why she was the one to go home when there were worse pictures than her's. I'll tell you why: YOU TRIED TO THROW MR. J UNDER THE BUS. How did she think that was going to play out?

My question was: couldn't we send them both home? Aminat absolutely drags down the competition.

Next Week: "Go Sees"! Sexy photo shoot! When are they going to get waxed?

ANTM #8 - Big Girls Don't Cry

During the recap we were treated to another clip of Thalia being sent home. I will NEVER get tired of that. Question: why do they do the Cover Girl commercial when there are still a fair amount of girls left in the competition? Most of them can't speak to save their lives, but w/ the stronger competitors at least there's a better chance on only one person failing miserably - instead of almost everyone.

I was kinda pissed that Celia and her picture (displayed as "digital art") didn't get much screen time, but it was delightful to see Celia tell Allison to "work harder" at gaining more versatility. I think that Celia is totally sick of having Allison hang onto her all the god damned time.

Across the house, Aminat and Teyona were commenting on how crappy the Cover Girl commercial experience was. That is correct, b/c it was crappy for everyone ladies.

Finally!!! Celia brings up London's street preaching and how she goes about doing it. I kinda don't think Celia really cared, maybe she was just bored. But I give London the credit she deserves for not being an asshole like Robin was in the first cycle. And it was nice to hear that London actually was still into God and Jesus - like I said before: "Maybe they broke up."

Later on, the girls get whisked away to their challenge. They are greeted by Mr. J, who explains what a "Creative Director" does. Hey, thanks for that! As if the words "creative" and "director" weren't already self-explanatory. But he needs to justify his presence, b/c he loves to hear himself talk - and I kinda do too, sometimes.

Seventeen Magazine editor Anne Shoket popped up to help out, explaining that the girls would be modeling South Pole, Jr. clothing, w/ "street-style w/ edge." 

Challenge: Creative Director for a day

Every girl gets to be the creative director for another girl's shoot. They will chose the clothing, design the hair and make-up, and direct the model w/ the help of the photographer. This should be fun.

• Natalie --> Teyona (Natalie thought she was "visionary", while I thought she was "aight." And you better believe that Mr. J wasn't buying it.)
• Allison --> Aminat (The surprise here is that Allison was more assertive and interesting than she's ever been in the competition. Mr. J noticed this too, also complimenting her on Aminat's look.)
• Fo --> London (There was some bitchy-ness about London having gained weight, making it hard to find the right clothes for her. I was not amused. Mr. J thought the whole thing looked like a Holiday Gap add.)
• Aminat --> Natalie (This was, by far, the most entertaining segment. All the girls get 1 hour to prep their model. Aminat wasted ALL OF HER TIME. When Mr. J points this out, instead of owning it and apologizing, she cops an attitude! And then she throws the hair/make-up people under the bus by claiming they were taking too long. Mr. J was having none of that, pointing out that when they have shoots the girls are sent to hair/make-up first while the clothing is being chosen for them. Aminat just had Natalie chillin' in a chair while she wandered around looking at clothes. She is clearly an Asshole.)
• Teyona --> Celia (It was interesting to see Teyona in action; she had a clear idea, executed it well and behaved like a normal person. Mr. J loved the shoot and was happy to hear that Teyona did all the styling herself.)
• London --> Allison (Poor girls! London was worried about getting Allison to look "Street" and I'm sure Allison was freaking out as well. She ended up putting an outfit together that looked EXACTLY like something she had worn before make-overs. Even going so far as to slap a headband on Allison. Mr. J was not impressed.)
• Celia --> Fo (This is Celia's strength: styling. She did a great job. While the shoot looked great, Mr. J pointed out that Celia chose a photo where Fo's feet were cut out of the picture. While that's the photographer's fault for shooting it, I'm sure there was something better she could have chosen.)

Winner: Teyona! She will get to do a photo spread in 17 Magazine and is allowed to pick two girls to go w/ her. She choses Celia and Aminat.

I love that Fo gets pissy over this. Teyona said very clearly that she chose Celia b/c she couldn't have won it w/out her. But that sort of logic doesn't fly w/ Fo I guess.

Mr. J sneeks into the house at 5:30am to wake up the girls. Fuck that. If I saw his frosted tips in my face at 5:30 in the god damned morning I would have instinctively punched him. But at least he brought hair and make-up w/ him so the girls could get ready.

The surprise for the day comes when R&B sensation Ciara shows up at the house. I don't know anything about this girl but she is very attractive and seems pretty nice. I loved her even more when Aminat attacked her w/ a hug and her body language clearly said: "Get the FUCK away from me!"

Photo Shoot: Stalking Ciara

• Celia: looking pretty fierce!
• London: prayed for help but didn't seem to get any. (Mr. J pulls her aside to talk about her weight gain and tells her he's concerned about her health.)
• Teyona: rockin' it!
• Natalie (of the crazy hair!): still dead in the face but when she was instructed to start snarling, she began to do better.
• Fo: looked great and gave a lot of variety in the face.
• Allison: came across as kinda awkward but when Mr. J chastised her for it, her anger got her into a really good groove!
• Aminat: FUCKING RETARDED. There was a moment that she actually turned her back to the camera and a photo was snapped. I feel like Mr. J was done w/ her.

Later on the clearly worst of the bunch talked about their photo shoots. Aminat asked Fo about her shoot and Fo straight up told her that she did a great job; Aminat was forced to admit that her's was not so awesome. On the other side of the house: Natalie asks about London's shoot and she said it was bad and Mr. J called her fat. Then London questions why God put her there. The answer is easy: God didn't do any of this, you did. You auditioned for the competition and ate too much breakfast cereal.

Panel

Before we even get to the carnage, a young man in a Speedo walks in carrying a box full of nuts up to Tyra. He's speaking Portuguese and, supposedly, Tyra can understand him pretty well. Turns out (duh) he's from Brazil! And that's where the girls are goin! Except the one that gets eliminated tonight!

• Natalie - Great face and even over-shadows Ciara (judges liked)
• Aminat - Looks absolutely clueless (judges did not like)
• Celia - Fierce and exclaims "I like it!" (judges state that it's "not classic" but loved it)
• Teyona - Good face but odd pose (judges liked)
• London - Weird looking - still channeling Norma Desmond (judges did not like)
• Fo - (looked adorable at panel!) Gave a great picture (judges liked)
• Allison - Fierce! For once! Though the body was only so/so (judged loved it)

Allison happened to complement the photographer by saying that he was her favorite to work w/. Then Nigel proved that he's a bigger bitch than we had originally thought by complaining. Tyra made it worse b/c she had to out-bitch Nigel. And then we all felt sorry for Allison.

Positive

Teyona - consistent

Fo - loved her

Natalie - still sucks in person

Celia - worried she more stylist than model

Negative

Allison - could do better

Aminat - might be better for runway

London - could do better, needs to lose weight

Thunderdome Battle! Deathmatch!

London vs. Aminat

According to Tyra, Aminat is gorgeous and perfect but doesn't translate that to the camera and may be better suited for runway. London is also amazing to look at, even having eyes that naturally smile, but just isn't good in pictures. Here Tyra chooses to use the word "celluloid" instead of just "film." It's funny how celluloid is similar in sound to "cellulite." It's also funny that London's photos have actually been strong the entire time and she's never had much trouble getting that on film, while Aminat is a fucking mess. 

Going Home: London

I saw that coming. It's only a little sad. I don't care much about London, so I wasn't emotionally involved in her "journey" but it was clear that Aminat is clueless and might go home next week. She's also a pretty big asshole; she cheered for herself when she was called to stay on the show - right in front of London.

But London is OK w/ everything and she's not even mad at God for being eliminated! I love how passive-aggressive Christian people are. London doesn't want to take responsibility for anything she does, she assumes that God is in charge of her every waking moment. HE is the one that put her on this show, HE is the one that made her get chubby, HE is the one that eliminated her. But it's cool, she's not angry w/ him...

NEXT WEEK: Capoera! And maybe Fo does bad?!?!

ANTM #7 - Sweet Release...

I love that in the recap of last week's episode they are STILL talking about Celia/Thalia...maybe one of them will kill the other tonight?!?

All the girls seem to be kind of "buddy-buddy" tonight; they sit around talking about how they actually want to do a Cover Girl commercial (foreshadowing!) and then have a lovely dinner. It's pretty clear there are still "sides" though; Celia, Natalie and Allison seem to keep together more than mingling w/ the other girls. 

But it's also pretty clear that Natalie is still an Asshole. After dinner Teyona and Aminat ask that everyone clear away their own plates (a reasonable request) but Natalie thinks it's better that she just sit on her ass and let everyone do the washing up. Aminat's logical reaction is to call her a "bitch", which isn't necessarily true - however, "arrogant" is and she does call her that.

Instead of taking that as a sign that maybe she is kinda worthless in every way, Natalie complains to Fo, who pretty much seems like she doesn't care. The BEST part though is when Natalie explains why she didn't get off her ass and help: she's from a "better/wealthier" community and isn't used to cleaning up. 

Oh. OK. That's cool then.

Exercise: Acting w/ a partner

The premise is basic - the girls are given a line by Paulina and are instructed to say the line w/ a certain emotion. Surprise, surprise when half of them couldn't even manage that...

Celia/Aminat: "I've never said that to anyone"

A: bossy C: pitifully (Celia was better/Aminat came across as threatening)

Teyona/Natalie: "I've never said that to anyone"

T: shockingly N: threatening (Teyona was hardly shocking/Natalie was pretty good)

London/Fo: "You've got to be kidding me"

L: pitifully F: threateningly (both girls were pretty good!/Fo be crazy!)

Allison/Thalia: "You need to get out of here"

A: arrogant Th: ecstatically (Thalia is just nasty, can I say that enough?/Allison...whatever)

Let me just interject here:

It's kind of annoying that the producers keep paring Celia and Aminat up, hoping for something to happen. As ghetto as Aminat can get, she not dumb enough to start shit in front of a judge.

Same goes for throwing Teyona and Natalie together. And notice that there's a lot of black/white pairing going on too?

I think (officially) London and Fo might make it to the Top 4. Both have been flying pretty low under the radar and have been either consistent (London) or getting much better (Fo). 

Paulina called Allison and Thalia the "mild mannered" girls. This must be code for "neither of these girls is going to win, let alone break the Top 4." So that's kinda sad. Also, Thalia is an Asshole too.

After the exercise, the girls are charged w/ learning a script about a "has-been model" that is running late for a fitting. Paulina announces that they are going to be acting with......CLAY AIKEN!!!! Who gives a shit? And I give even less of a shit that Clay and Tyra are supposedly "close personal friends." The only way I could marginally care is if they hung out and did karoke to "Ebony and Ivory."

Challenge: Acting w/ Clay!

• London did a great job and has some natural talent on stage.
  
• Aminat was better than I thought she was going to be.
  
• Natalie is basically Stanky at everything she does.
  
• Teyona, once again, managed to make an impression that could only be measured w/ a (-).
  
• Allison was also pretty "eh."
  
• Fo came across as a major Drag Queen, which was super fun to watch.
  
• Thalia can't even act like a human being, let alone a "has been model."
  
• Celai also did the Drag Queen but was hilarious and perfectly over-the-top.
  

Winner: London! Good for her, she's been kind of in the middle lately. She won $5,000 in jeans and some other clothes from some fashion place that I've never heard of.

It was a shot-lived victory when she got home though: turns out London has been struggling w/ her weight lately (she's already pear-shaped) and seeing all the better proportioned girls sliding into HER jeans couldn't have helped.

Photo Shoot: Cover Girl commercial

So, their wish came true! HA! Oh, and they get to hang out w/ MyKey (how the fuck do you spell that?), the only Top Model to have no personality whatsoever. Hmmm...maybe Teyona has a chance.

This commercial is a little different, following in this cycles favorite "let's fuck w/ them" theme of groups. There are two groups that will be filmed. Each girl will get a chance to say all the lines, while the other girls get to try to out-shine her in the background.

Group One:

Celia was OK, she tends to come off a little "odd" in front of the camera.

Teyona set the standard for Retarded by staring at the Teleprompter through her entire performance.

Aminat managed to bring the Stank and look mad AND dead at the same time. Impressive.

Allison rushed through everything and didn't look at the camera either.

Group Two:

Natalie messed up right off the bat and just went on being "whatever."

Fo wasn't that good either.

London was OK but came off a little crazy - I think "door-to-door salesman" was said.

Thalia also messed up, who would have thought? FUCK, I seriously hate her. She had to be by far the worst and even Mr. J said she lacked "spirit/energy."

I really enjoyed how Thalia seemed to be stuck w/ the line "I like full coverage!" And I'm impressed that she didn't bitch about it. But then she started talking about how she still needs more confidence...sigh.

Panel:

I thought it was pretty odd that Clay Aiken was on panel. Sure, he read a few scenes w/ the girls but those were for the stage and were open to interpretation. Cover Girl commercials are super scripted and you are expected to perform in a very specific way...

• Celia: I liked her and thought she was pretty natural, editing in wonderful (though her hair looked super crazy)/judges liked her too, but Tyra (still butt hurt) said she looked old.
  
• Teyona: daaaamn! She looked like Vivica A. Fox!/the judges didn't care for her poses and movement and she squinted too much.
  
• Allison: came off kinda weird/they said she looked good but sounded bad and Trya said it was like getting "punishment" listening to her. She also got chastised for wearing the same thing twice.
  
• London: she came off badly, really odd/"slouchy", "sloppy" and "hardness" were used to describe her. Then, like a cherry on top, Paulina told her not to wear shorts again - ouch! But she did look pretty bad (and the extreme close-up didn't help).
  
• Natalie: yawn!/the judges didn't care for her either. They thought she was forgettable, too stiff and even got over-shadowed by London. I think someone even said she seemed fake!
  
• Fo: still came off rushed but it was better after editing/"sounded like you were chewing gum"!!
  
• Thalia: she was whatever - not terrible/while they said she has a good Cover Girl face, they didn't like her performance. She was too mean looking and tended to fade into the background. HA!
  

Commercial Break: Heather is still working!! And studying video game art!!

Negative

Allison

Fo

London

Aminat

Natalie

Positive

Celia

Teyona

Thalia

Called First: Celia!!!

Thunderdome Battle! Deathmatch!

Allison vs. Thalia (finally)

Tyra chastised Allison for not being versatile and having "one face." But she does come off as editorial, so that's cool. But I still hate that complaint: you can't change those eyes and they are going to be difficult to work around but that's what you heir her for - her look.

Thalia "has a great look for Cover Girl" but the judges weren't sure if she was comfortable being in front of the camera. DUH!!!! Mr. J as said it, Celia said it, THALIA SAID IT, and last week the judges even questioned it. And it's taken them this long to figure it out...

Going Home: THALIA get the FUCK out of here!

According to Thalia her biggest challenge was "myself." That's a god dammed understatement if I've ever heard one. But she came away from this fucking train wreck thinking that she was a great role model. 

NO, NO YOUR NOT. Scott McIntyre from American Idol is a role model because he has persevered and excelled despite his handicap (which he's had from birth, longer than Thalia). On the other hand we have Thalia who chose to go into a business that bases your value on looks alone, as opposed to any sort of talent. Whenever this became challenging she would whine about it and complain that it was too hard and that she didn't want to be there. When things were going well she flip-flopped like a bi-polar. 

NOT ROLE MODEL MATERIAL.

Next Week: The girls get direct each others shoot and there might be another argument!!

ANTM #6 - Bitches Gone Wild!

Eh, sort of...

Let's be honest: this season has been so/so. Basically, you can't top Jade, so why even try? Seems like the producers have realized this and tried to do their best. The problem is that after awhile, people start watching your show and they figure out how to play the game. You shouldn't be playing anything - that means you might actually be smart. And NOBODY is smart on this show. So it gets old b/c everything seems fake.

There have been genuine moments this season, though. I fully believe that Thalia is truly as annoying as she comes across. And, for sure, Sandra is that completely insane. But other than those two, I think that most of the girls are just faking it 'til they be making it...

When we see the girls again, they are coming back from panel. Poor Thalia, the joy she should be feeling from seeing her photo on the wall (as "digital art" - wtf?) is dashed after being abused by Celia. The girls go to their respective corners and Thalia whines to Aminat and Teyona about how hurt and angry she is. In a strange twist, Sandra decides to join Team Lame (guess that's not completely surprising) and hang out w/ the black girls in the house. I thought her and Celia were starting to get along?

It's super lame that most of these confrontations turn out to be Black vs. White. I understand that most of the girls on this show are somewhat ignorant and fall back on easy prejudices, but it's still kinda lazy. Especially in situations like this. Celia was the only one w/ the skills to put together a cohesive argument against Thalia, while the other chicks just sat there. But the rest of the white chicks get herded onto Team Suck b/c...uh, I dunno.

Aminat ignores the fact that this has nothing to do w/ her and starts instigating. Teyona in tow, Aminat swans down the stairs into the kitchen and gets up in Allison's face, yelling that she "picked a side." Natalie was having none of that and lashed back at Aminat. Why is Natalie getting involved now?!? The most damage that Team Lame's leader and right-hand bitch could do was stand on the staircase (have to make sure that you are above your opponent to look better/bigger/more important than them) and flail their arms while screaming a bunch of nonsense.

I loved that Aminat is so dumb that she couldn't manage another word other than "stupid" to describe Natalie. And while I won't disagree (fake camera!), you have to admit: that's like the pot calling the kettle black. I'm basically over everyone on the show now...Celia should have let nature take it's course and Thalia would have freaked herself out again and fallen so flat the judges would have no other choice but to send her home. On the other hand, I'm so fucking sick of listening to Thalia flip-flop, I want to stab my god damned ears.

The best part about all of this is that while Aminat and Teyona were making fools of themselves and Natalie and Allison were trying to become more sympathetic characters, Celia and Thalia were just standing on the landing watching. They didn't even participate!

MOVING ON!

Aminat reads the Tyra Mail and thinks it means they are going to be acting. Well, not so much. Turns out that Mr. J wants them to work on their facial expressions. His guest model/expert is Beth Stern (Mrs. Howard Stern). When we see her photos, we discover that "expert" is a term that Tyra and the producers take VERY lightly - SHE HAS THE SAME FUCKING FACE IN EVERY PHOTO.

Challenge - WTF?

The first part of this challenge allowed Mr. J to listen to his voice for a little while longer. He had the girls stand in front of mirrors and make faces similar to whatever feeling he called out. The nice thing is that they were all in the same room together, so they could practice their Evil Eye as well...

• Allison - basically always looked sad. But that's her look, no? 
• Celia - did well enough, nothing amazing.
• Thalia - looks like a motherfucking crazy person.
• Fo - was kinda whatever for me.
• Sandra - managed to look like a vampire in every shot. But, thankfully, is still CRAZy.
• Natalie - I still can't get into her...

Thalia is still talking about how she has mad confidence now...barf.

Part 2: The girls stand behind huge photos of Tyra w/ her face cut out. Their challenge is to insert their face and make some expression that mirror the photo and Tyra's body language. Mr. J sort of half-assed mentioned that the girls needed to match their bodies to the photo, mostly meaning that if Tyra is tilting her head - so should they. But he didn't explain himself (as usual) and a lot of the girls ended up looking like retards... 

• Celia - didn't do very well. Her biggest problem was not matching her body position. But she didn't give very good face either. I think she was too psyched out - who's fault is that?!
• Fo - still kinda whatever...
• Sandra - I have no fucking idea what she was trying to do. And you could actually see her holding back; she should have done the vampire face again.
• Aminat - No. Just...no.
• Allison - still looking sad! I had hoped that she might rock the candy shop photo, but alas...
• Natalie - actually didn't do all that bad! But I have (yet another) bone to pick w/ Mr. J: he needs to stop telling Natalie that she's lacking confidence, b/c now she actually believes she is.
• Thalia - DISGUSTING.

Mr. J picks Natalie as the winner (bust I still think she's pretty obnoxious and lame) and she gets 50% more frames during the photo shoot.

Thalia and Celia!

I thought it was genuinely nice that the girls could sit down quietly, away from everyone else and talk. Celia starts things off by asking if Thalia is OK. Turns out she's disappointed and humiliated more than anything else. Which is understandable, but totally her fault. It's like she's never watched this show before. And you know that she was disappointed that Tyra learned she's whiny and embarrassed that the judges found out too. B/c just having all of the viewing audience knowing that is cool or whatever, but not the judges!

Anyway, Celia said that she hadn't meant to hurt her. I'm not sure if I believe this - Thalia is pretty annoying. But if that's the story she wants to stick to...whatever. Thalia made a (gasp!) great point when she said there were better ways that Celia could have gone about all that. I agreed (gasp!) and so did dear friend Dynasty Blackburn. Celia should have done a one-on-one w/ Thalia and asked her point blank what the fuck was up w/ her shit.

And while I also kind of agree w/ Thalia pointing out that her problems were/are none of Celia's business, it makes sense that Thalia shouldn't be there if she doesn't want it bad enough. Oh well, you could run in circles on this shit and never come up w/ a good answer! At the end, Celia really thought she was going home...

Photo Shoot - COLORS!

As abstract an idea this shoot was, it came down to: the girls got some colored powder blown willy-nilly on their faces and they had to emote the color. Most of these girls can't even spell, how are they going to "emote a color"? LOVE IT.

• Allison/Pink/Girly - I had trouble w/ this one. I honestly thought that she was holding back some. This should have been ideal for her.
• Aminat/Green/Earth - as nasty as she is...the girl looked LOVELY.
• Thalia/Lavender/Sexy - I didn't buy any of it, though she was getting marginally better as the shoot went on. Mr. J didn't like any of it and questioned why she always goes for sexy. I question that as well b/c she not sexy at all. And neither is lavender! 
• Teyona/Yellow/Happiness - I don't know...I don't get her, you know?
• Fo/Red/Fierce - and she was! That girl rocked the shit out of her shoot!
• London/Blue - I have no idea what she was trying to do bu I thought it looked pretty good.
• Natalie/Orange - again, no idea what she was trying for but it didn't matter b/c she gave the same fucking face every frame.
• Sandra/White/Angel - AHAHAHAHAHAAAHHAHAHH!!! Angel? Uh...no.
• Celia/Grey - I don't know what she was thinking but it worked. She never stated what she was going for but it looked AWESOME. And I love that the producers insisted the oldest girl get a color that is associated w/ old age...and makes her look like an old hag. But a fierce old hag!

Back at the house Celia picks out her outfit for panel thinking that they are the clothes she will be buried in. Dear, you do know that when you are kicked off the show Tyra doesn't, like, kill you, right? And then Sandra yammers on about how awesome her shoot was. I don't think she was actually there, you know? Like, at shoots, she just drifts off to her special place. I think her special place looks like that scene in "Being John Malkavich" when every one at the restaurant has his head. Just a sea of Sandras...as far as the eye can see!

Panel:

FIRST OF ALL, TYRA NEEDS TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT ON NIGEL! THAT DUDE IS MARRIED OR GAY - EITHER WAY LADY! CHANGE YOUR PANTIES AND SIT YOUR ASS DOWN.

• Aminat - she looked pretty good. But I was a little confused about her looking like a "modern take on green." What does that mean.
• Natalie - again, she's just whatever for me. And Tyra wasn't feeling it either. But, according to Tyra, Natalie's face looks flat and she needs to find a way to get some bones in there. Correct me if I'm wrong but I think she already has bones in her face. If she didn't I'd be throwing up already.
• Thalia - they liked her well enough and someone even said the photo reminded them of Mona Lisa. Maybe. But as has been pointed out many times before, Thalia is much more interesting on film than she is in person. Every time there is panel, she looks and acts like a fucking wet rag. Nigel brings up last weeks "situation"and Thalia admits that she has questioned if she wants to be here. He says that's OK, b/c everyone does that (true) but she can't keep thinking like that. She needs to make a decision, soon. Honestly I don't think she really has.
• Celia - everyone still loves her b/c she understands fashion and looks great. Tyra said that she exuded "maturity and strength" w/ the grey. And the photographer wanted to keep shooting w/ her, always nice to hear!
• Teyona - everyone seemed to love the photo and deemed her a chameleon. Tyra went so far as to say that she looked like "hope" and should have been on an Obama poster. Not sure about that, but she looked pretty good.
• London - I like the photo but everyone thought she was lacking emotion in her eyes. This is probably true since the only emotion she knows is her love for Jesus Christ. Maybe. I don't know, she hasn't really said much about him lately. Do you think they broke up?
• Allison - I actually really liked it! Someone thought it was a very modern looking photo but it was pointed out, again, that Allison isn't showing much range...blah, blah, blah...
• Sandra - AHHHHH! WTF is that shit? No body liked it and Tyra apologized to the photographer saying that she chose a bad photo to show how poorly Sandra did w/ a full face instead of a profile. You know who else had that problem? Heather did. And you know what she did about it? Rocked the shit out of it. 
• Fo - HOT HOT HOT. Everyone loved it, as they should have.

Negative

Natalie

London

Allison

Sandra

Celia -BULLSHIT

Positive

Aminat

Thalia

Teyona

Fo

Fo gets called first which is well deserved.

Thunderdome! Deathmatch!

Sandra vs. Celia

Of course we know that Sandra should be here. She should have been here the first week and then gone home immediately. But she was entertaining, so all is forgiven. But Tyra's argument that her being a "one-look model" is pathetic. In that case, why not have Allison down there too? They didn't care much for Natlaie either. Both of those girls would have been a better replacement for Celia. Granted, Tyra had to make her point but it was lame to call her in the Bottom 2. Everyone loved her photo and complemented her outfit. Tyra says that she's not sure if she can work w/ Celia after she tattled on Thalia. Thankfully, she explained herself: basically, Tyra doesn't like it when people mess w/ her money. When she saw Celia open her mouth, she saw Celia mess w/ Thalia's "money." It reminded her of Naomi Campbell (not in those words, of course, but COME ON!) and that doesn't fly w/ Tyra.

Going home: Sandra (duh!)

Of course Sandra is mad about going home! She STILL thinks she's the best at everything and even has a better personality (!) - BYE! Get the fuck outta here!!!

I guess everything is right again in the world b/c next week's preview didn't say anything about drama in th house...

NEXT WEEK: Acting aaaannnddd CLAY AIKEN!!!!!

ANTM #5 - Slumber Party!

Let me start things off by doing some math/consperiacy theory-stuff:

I always write down who is in the bottom three or so whenever I watch ANTM, just in case there is something interesting there. Turns out there kind of is! 

Nijah was in the "crappy group" twice, before getting eliminated.

So, I looked over my notes and started grouping the girls together by how many times they had been in the Negative - here's what I found:

• Natalie, Allison and Teyona could all go home - they have been steadily doing worse.
  
• Sandra, Thalia and Aminat have been in the Negative two times - but they have all gone from Zero to Hero.
  
• Fo and Kortnie jumped from a steady diet of crap to Positve - we might need to keep an eye on them.
  
• London and Celia have been very consistant - Celia has been in the Top bracket more but London has never crashed and burned.
  

What does this mean? Natalie is going home? Sandra could win? I'm sad to say that I'm not sure. The judges love to flip-flop and contradict themselves and the producers just really like to fuck w/ us. It's up in the air. But I think it's a good guide to keep in mind...

As usual, we come home w/ the girls and check out the "winner's" photo. I'm actually glad that Sandra was called first; it gave her the shot of confidance that she needed to become a raging CRAZY person again. She tells us in a one-on-one that she "looks hot" in the photo. She also thinks that this means she is the best now - b/c having her picture on the wall means that she is the best.

I actually agree w/ that and I think that Allison and Teyona would agree too, since they have also been called first and have had their picture on the wall and, therefor, been the best. Go fuck yourself Sandra.

On the brighter side: the girls still hate Sandra!!!! YEAY!!!

And then Tocara shows up...

SLUMBER PARTY:

Tocara is skinny now? I guess big girls aren't all that awesome after all...But she brings gifts, so that's cool. After changing into their P.J.'s the girls sit around and listed to T2 talk about how personality counts. I think that T2 should have explained that being an asshole or a burn victem is not "personality." The girls seemed to be pretty satisfied w/ the conversation, to the point where Aminat said that she's "loud" but it's OK to be loud. Nope. It's not.

Here's something we didn't know (b/c no one gives a shit): Kortnie is a joker! She the class clown of the group. Huh. Well, even though I don't believe it (b/c I haven't seen it), it does make sense. Speaking from personal experiance: the fatties always make the jokes. It's a defence mechanisim to deflect attention from being fat. The problem is that Kortnie isn't really fat at all; if she had been much bigger at one point in her life and then lost weight, this would make sense. But for now I'm just going to say that she's an Idiot.

Sandra adds her 2cents in by saying she doesn't think this is a comedy show. Sandra must not have much of a sense of humor or, at least, has never watched the show. And it's interesting to note that she has been talking a lot more shit...during one-on-ones. Is she afraid to act like a shithead in front of the other girls?

They aren't afraid to act like that in front of her: some people thought that Fo should have "won." And they said so out-loud. I agree w/ them; Fo or Aminat. But what I am wondering is why they finally decided to "talk back"?

Challenge: Pose w/ Music

BENNY NINJA!!!!!

We are introduced to a former model-turned-DJ called Sky Nellor - she kinda looks like Tori Amos. Then Benny tells the girls they will be paired off to compete against each other; Tori/Sky will play some tunes and the girls will have to pose according to the style of music. Benny stresses that it's important the girls "pay attention to what you listen to." This ought to be fun!

Rock

Sandra had no fucking idea what she was doing. I think Benny even used the phrase "deer in headlights." Even if you have never heard rock music, you can get some idea of what's going on by...LISTENING TO THE MUSIC.

London on the other hand did very well. Question: is she still into Jesus or do you think she's moved on?

Techno

Allison was also pretty lost...

Natalie as usual kinda just stood there and looked like Whatever.

Country

Both Fo and Teyona were pretty lame. But I can't blame them since country music sucks.

WTF?

I have no idea what kind of music they had to pose to.

Celia, however, did a great job.

Kortnie, on the other hand, just fucked around for a few seconds and was scolded by Benny for not taking this seriously.

Jazz

Aminat did a great job posing. Her outfit was slammin' and she understood the music.

Thalia, of course, looked like a fucking hippo trying to do ballet.

I think we should add Allison to the list of Annoying People. 

Challenge: Pose-Off!

Benny's explanation was so conveluted and insane that I had no idea what the girls were going to have to do. Which got me all excited b/c I figured they wouldn't know either and freak out. But it turns out that this was the easiest thing on the face of the earth. The girls are split into two groups; the first group goes out on stage one at a time and poses to the music; when they are done, the second group goes out and does the same thing. While each individual girl is on stage, Benny will call out "POSE!" and the girl has to pose. They will be juged by the audiance, which seemed to consist primarily of flaming drag queens not is costume. I wish I could have been there.

*Benny conveniently came up w/ the grading system of being either Good or Sour. Thanks!

Group 1

Allison - I thought she was OK/Sour

Teyona - I thought she was Good/Good

Kortnie - I have no fucking idea what she was doing up there/SOUR

Sandra - I thought she was total Crap/Sour (and she looked like a drag queen)

Celia - AWESOME/GOOD

Group 2

Aminat - I thought she did OK/Sour

London - I thought she did Ok/Sour

Thalia - I though she did OK/SOUR (the audiance HATED her and I though she was gonna cry!)

Natalie - I thought she was Whatever/Good (I really do hate this girl)

Fo - I though she did OK/Good

It came down to Natalie (WTF?) and Celia. Though not the quintesential Death Match, it was pretty awesome to see Celia out pose Natalie to death. The audiance agreed and Celia FINALLY WON SOMETHING.

Back at the house and guess what: Thalia wants to go home again! Big surprise...this time she tells Allison, who turns around and tells Celia. It's the same story w/ Thalia: she gets a little crticizim and she starts crying and wishes she could go home, then she does a good job at her photo shoot and she's all about kicking ass and taking names. It's getting boring and, like Celia said, there are girls here that want this more than her and are not thrown by a few bitchy comments. Celia is practical about it and voices her opinion to the other girls that Thalia should leave the competition and let the girls who want this more, have a better chance.

That right there was a mistake: talking to the OTHER girls. Celia should have had everyone sit down for a meeting and told Thalia to her face. This way, Thalia can at least a.) explain herself b.) break down and cry and get even more freaked out about the competition and get eliminated b/c of it or c.) actually make the decision to leave.  That would have been a lot cleaner.

Photo Shoot: Ellis Island

Today's theme is Immigrants Coming Through Ellis Island. Kinda cool. They will be shot w/ and old fashioned still camera and be paired w/ Benny Ninja as their "husband" and a bunch of randon kids.

• Sandra - was very stiff/boring and turned out to be the biggest dissapointment of the day.
  
• Fo - I thought looked lovely.
  
• London - totally got into character, thinking she was Kate Winslet from "Titanic."
  
• Natalie - had some good poses but, again, her face seemed to fall flat for me.
  
• Teyona - was just OK, for me but Mr. J seemed to like her.
  
• Kortnie - dead eyes! And she seemed to struggle w/ everything around her.
  
• Thalia - looked like a gypsy! She also did very well and Mr. J noted that she seems to be growing in the competition.
  
• Celia - I thought she did very well and kept it strong but Mr. J just gave her a "good."
  
• Aminat - seemed to bring it to set but Mr. J pointed out that she works her body really well and then forgets her face - which is true.
  
• Allison - seemed to to well and got a soild review from Mr. J.
  

Sandra says she is nervous about Pannel w/c she knows she didn't have a good shoot. But then goes on to say that she won't be going home. Make up your fucking mind.

Guess what? Thalia wants to stay in the competition now. FUCK. She is annoying. And this would have been the perfect time to call her on it; she's still high from a great shoot, so she will be coherant but the massive amounts of negativity would shake her up pretty badly. Oh well...

Pannel

Sandra REEEEAAAALLLLY loves those fucking red shoes. And Benny is the guest judge.

• Teyona - the photo turned out very nicely and the judges complimented her on how authentic she looked. 
  
• London - this photo was only OK. The big problem is that she was looking away from the camera while all the extras were staring straight ahead; also, her pose was odd.
  
• Sandra - just as she suspected (and we all knew) this photo was not good. She was stiff and looked away from the camera. Nigel noted that she's been giving them profiles lately and this is true.
  
• Allison - the photo was pretty good and someone even through out the word "editorial."
  
• Aminat - she finally found a synergy of good face and good pose and was complimented for it.
  
• Fo - this photo was only OK and she was also looking away from the camera.
  
• Natalie - I was pretty Whatever about this photo and it seemed the judges felt the same.
  
• Kortnie - BARF. She had the ultimate zombie face - and I HATE zombies.
  
• Thalia - it was a good photo and the judges LOVED it. But I think that Thalia has become an Asshole in all this - her reaction to the judges praise was ZERO and when they told her to bring more personality to the pannel, she just stood there.
  
• Celia - unfortunatly, this was not a good photo. The pose was so/so and she seemed to be dialing it in. Sorry, Celia!
  

Negative

Sandra - they said the "P Word"...Pretty

Kortnie

Fo

Celia

Natalie

Positive

London

Allison

Aminat

Thalia

Teyona

Deathmatch! Thunderdome Battle!

Kortnie vs. Sandra

At this point it's nice to see that the judges have split the Negative/Positive groups down the middle. It sucks when one group is lop-sided. Here is where I get to put my theory to practice; Sandra just got the Kiss of Death w/ the word Pretty. But Kortnie made a crazy jump from the Negtive to the Positive in one leap, w/out having proven that she could actually model. This is a good Bottom 2.

Going Home: Kortnie (after all, she doesn't bring anything to the show)

HOLY SHIT

Celia decides that it's her job to voice the opinion of the group and tell Tyra that Thalia is a whiny bitch. In a way that's kinda awesome - she's ballsy enough to talk shit about a girl right in front of Tyra right after said girl was called first at pannel. But it was a stupid decision. As much as I like Celia, I have to agree w/ Tyra that it was unfair of Celia to bring it up. Now Tyra's logic is that since Thalia didn't say it, it's unfair - but that's stupid b/c Thalia isn't about to ruin her chance at winning (when she wants to win). Poor Celia has to skulk off the stage and stand there like a jackass while Kortnie got a pep-talk from Tyra.

NEXT WEEK: FIGHTING!

Celia thinks she will be sent home for her actions

Thalia claims she's been humliated by all this

Aminat and Natalie argue

Everyone starts yelling at each other

ANMT #4 - Charm School

I'd like to know when they take the photo/video of the girls in the crazy outfits for the opening credits. They all look really good and actually seem like models at this point. Could it be b/c we can barely see their faces and they all have (basically) the same wig? Either way, this is something that is burning a hole in my brain.

Alright! Way to go Teyona! 

When the girls come back to their apartment, Teyon "high-fives" her photo and shows just how practial she is: in a one-on-one she says that it would be sad to see one of her friends go...but, oh well! I like that attitude, it's bitchy but not crazy. Since she didn't say it in front of the other girls it makes me think that she's a lot smarter than say, Sandra or Natalie (we'll get to that in a few!). 

There are a few girls in the house that are worried they might not be sticking around - and w/ good reason. Nijah is dissapointed that the judges don't see her personality; which is silly since she doesn't have one. And Thalia is still freaking out/being annoying. Her voice is annoying too, no? But her greatest revelation is that she has no model training - GASP! Could have fooled me. And now she's really leaving herself open to getting shit on by the judges or torn to shreds by the girls.

Guess who else is annoying? Natalie! Yeah, remember her? Me neither, but I will now. Turns out she has had previous modeling experiance (even having had an agency at one point) and thinks she's the shiz-nit. In fact ,she's so awesome that she takes time to "teach" some of the other girls how to walk. I loved that while she was prancing around on the house's runway NO ONE was paying attention.

Well, except for Allison. So if she goes home b/c Natalie taught her a shitty walk I will have no sympathy for her. When she admited to over-thinking her walk I was really disappointed. Allison is supposed to be the crazy one! There should be no thinking involved in anything she does! I want her to be this free-floating energy that haunts the other girls in the house. Not some broke-down bitch w/ walking issues.

Challenge 1: Walking

The girls roll up to the Haunted Mansion for their next challenge. Inside they are greeted by Ms.J, channeling Elizabeth Taylor, who tells them that they are going to work on their walks today and learn some runway ettiqute. He sends them off to get changed, for whatever reason. At least they didn't give them 3 minutes to change. Turns out the outfits set out for them have been provided by Martha Stewart Inc. Sweet.

Ms. J shows the girls a proper elegant walk. Let me just say: fuck, Ms. J can walk.

• Celia - decient walk but kinda wiggles. Also, she was pretty slow.
• Aminat - OK but was a little sharp. Felt like getting a papercut to watch her.
• Fo - "wind-up toy!" was Ms. J's assesment. I couldn't agree more.
• Nijah - an angry face? I didn't see an angry face. In fact I didn't see a damn thing on her face. And she's sloppy.
• Kortnie - kinda walks like a truck driver, y/y?
• Sandra - I still kind of hate her, even though we haven't heard much from her. The walk was bad too: all should-wiggle, angry face and hands in her pockets. Ms. J made fun of her which is always great.
• Thalia - good lord that girl has a timid walk!
• London - whatever...
• Teyona - whatever...
• Allison - AHHHH!!! Good face though. And Ms. J thinks she has potential; I think he likes her.
• Natalie - I love that the producers show her last, like she's what we've all been waiting for. Ms. J liked her, but I've already decided that she sucks. Her walk was pretty solid but her face looked like shit and she was so fucking slow.

To help school the girls on runway ettiqute, Ms. J brings out Bianca and Chantal from cycle 10. I love that the producers thought that Bianca was a good mentor for anything requiering ettiqute or proper behaviour or anything resembling correct social interaction w/ other people. Seriously, she's a sociopath. BUT she can walk. And so could Chantal. It's nice to know that. It's also nice to know that they still look good. But I often wonder if it feels weird for previous contestants to come back to the show? Do they feel like Matthew Mc Connehay in "Dazed and Confused"?

Truth or Dare?

Seriously?

And no one made out?

Fuck that's lame.

But it was pretty awesome to watch Nijah do the "Carlton Dance." And it was also awesome to see the producers give us whiplash. Now Natalie is the House Bitch? I'm confused. Was Aminat's verbal smack-down enough to flatten Sandra? I thought it would take a lot more than that... Actually, this is really annoying. I thought we were getting a "slider" w/ Natalie. Like Mc Key - you know, doesn't say much and just slides on into the final 4 where you're like: "wait, how did she get here?" But she doesn't win b/c she's totally fucking lame.

Anyway, here's what went down: during a rousing game of Truth or Dare, Natalie is asked "who had the worst picture last week, besides Jessica?" She decides that she is going to answer honestly - as opposed to lying? Her "brutaly honest" answer is Thalia. Which, according to my notes from last week isn't as true as it could be. There were a total of 7 girls that the judges were totally underwhelmed by and Thalia was hardly the worst.

So why chose her? Sure, she's annoying but she's hardly been an issue in the house, like, say... Sandra! I would have said Sandra, just to see what happens. But Natalie thought the best idea was to pick on the girl w/ a physical flaw that everybody seems to genuinely like. That's pretty disgusting, Natalie - and calculated. But since I'm not sure where, exactly, she's going w/ this I'm still going to say that Sandra is CRAZY but Natalie is an ASSHOLE.

Thalia, of course, couldn't keep her shit together and cried (me rolling my eyes). Now Thalia doesn't have any respect for Natalie and has decided that she won't play her games "anymore." Were there games before this? Oh, maybe she means Truth or Dare. Yeah, don't play that game anymore Thalia.

Meanwhile, Allison is no longer fun and just needs to chill the fuck out.

Challenge 2: Runway w/ bags

The girls are introduced to identifiable fashion designer Jill Stuart. They will be doing some runway w/ her clothes and (for whatever reason) shopping bags in their hands. But they also have to be nice to the other girls. This is going to be a lot of fun.

Natalie starts talking shit in a one-on-one, saying the girls are going to do badly b/c they are practicing. This is true: you should never practice anything that you want to be good at. On the flip-side we have Allison and Thalia freaking themselves out, so that's cool.

Oh yeah, when Jill tells the girls they all look lovely, London mouths "Thank you" in the creepiest way possible. I think I'm in love!

• Celia - opens the show looking like a fucking angel!
• Natalie - looks as though she is sleep walking until she decides to channel the Aswirl Twins mid catwalk. Again, don't practice anything that you want to be good at. Also, Karma will butt-fuck you when you act like an asshole.
• Thalia - is doing a little better but still looks pretty nervous and weak.
• London - was so into the music as she was walking that...uh, it looked like she was walking.
• Kortnie - whatever...
• Nijah - also whatever...she's still sloppy though. And why did she hold all the bags in one hand?
• Aminat - didn't get much camera time on the catwalk, so I'm just going to say: OK
• Sandra - whatever...and why did she hike the bags up to her waist when she posed?
• Teyona - looked a little stiff but did OK
• Fo - she's got a fun, sexy little walk! I really liked it and could tell that she worked on it.
• Allison - thought she was going to have a panic attack. Unfortunatly this did not happen. Instead she came bursting onto the catwalk in "Princess Jasmine goes to a funeral" and quickly made her way through the walk. But she was a little better and gave good face.

Jill narrows it down to Celia and Natalie.

Winner: Natalie. Which is bullshit and has only led to inflating her ego. Also, I think she's a Terminator. I never see much emotion on her face, so I have to assume that she's a sentient killing machine sent here from the future. If that's the case, then I kinda like her a little more. 

Later on we find out, again, that Thalia is really annoying as she sits on the phone crying to her sister about how she wants to go home. "You wanna go home? OK, then go home." But she ends up feeling a lot better after her magical sister gives her the greatest pep-talk that we will never hear, so that's cool.

Commercial Break

Mc Key is very boring and has little to no personality.

Phot Shoot: Characters on a bus by NY landmarks

So what's up w/ Mr. Jay's hat? Kinda makes him look like a Lego man.

We have another group photo situation. I wonder why they have been so gung-ho over these? It's not that I don't like them (they are visually interesting) but it seems like a good way to cripple the girls. Oh, I guess I just answered my own question. Anyway, the idea is to portray stereotypical people in famous NY areas. I'll by that.

• Wall Street/Power Bitch: Fo and Aminat

I loved that Fo comes up w/ the "power bitch" term and then Aminat quickly vetos that by saying "there are not going to be any bitches here." It's a slightly more positive spin, yes? And the best part? They were both really awesome and hilarious.

• SoHo/Artist and Muse: Kortnie and Nijah

I didn't really get this idea. I've been to SoHo and while there are a few art galleries still around, I ended up seeing a lot more boutiques and stores than anything else. Also, the idea of an artist and her muse was kind of silly. Plus, both girls just sort of stood there.

• Upper East Side/Nannies: Celia and Sandra

This is a cute idea since that one book about the girl who was a nanny in NY was made into a movie...that nobody saw. But it's relevant since there are people that actually do have nannies instead of caring for their own children. But if we wanted to be even closer to the truth, the girls in this shoot should have been Hispanic in some way. Anyway, I though both girls looked lovely. I am sad to see that Sandra has basically been nutered at this point, though.

• 5th Ave./Socialites: London and Allison

Perfect way to incorperate another CW show into the marketing. I'll bet you $5 that Tyra references "Gossip Girl" during pannel - oops! Mr. Jay just did!. Of course, you could hardly tell where they were since they parked the bus in front of a random store as opposed to, say, Tiffany's. The girls looked pretty good. Allison fell sort of flat but London was giving the crazy like nobodies business.

• Times Square/Tourists: Thalia, Teyona, Natalie

I love that they decided to give Times Square a shout out. That's really a terrible place to be; there are about 1,000 people there at any given time and you can barely walk through the crowds. The girls had on wardrobe rejects from "The Warriors" and were told to flounce around like tourists. Thalia, instead, decided to model and really brought good energy. Teyona prefered to eat a pretzle while they were taking pictures; when Mr. Jay told her to get rid of it, she spit it over the side onto the street! Loved it. And Natalie prefered to continue acting like an asshole. She basically just stood there and made the most catalouge-like faces ever and PRETENDED to hold a camera, when there was one right in front of her.

Later, back at the house, London reminded us that she's annoying by going on and on about who is going home this time. "Who's going home? It's interesting!" Well, yeah, of course it is. If it wasn't no one would watch the show. But you don't have to mince about like a fucking Bond villian when you talk about it. On top of that, everyone keeps saying that it's going to be a huge surprise to see who goes home. Jesus! Who's going home? Is it Tyra?

*during the commercial we were told that Bianca is still working. Sweet.

Pannel

Hey! What's up Tyra? Good hair!

So the guest judge is Jill Stuart, which is sad b/c I thought we would get some more Nole. And I think I kind of hate Jill Stuart. Oh well. The girls are brought forward in their group/pair and evaluated.

• SoHo: according to the judges it doesn't look like SoHo.

Neither of the girls did very well in this photo. Kortnie actually looks a little retarded and Nijah looks like she's really tired. Tyra thinks it's b/c Nijah looks like she's exhaling and Kortnie looks like she's inhaling. I think it's b/c they both suck.

• Wall Street: looks awesome though.

Everyone was in agreement that both girls looked great and that the photo was awesome. Fo in particular was looking FIERCE, so it's a good thing that they kept her around! Aminat decided to actually do some modeling this time around and ended up doing a great job. Best photo of her's indeed!

• Upper East Side: also looks good but I thought it was pretty dark.

The judges thought this was the best shot out of them all. It's pretty editorial, so I guess I could see that. They were all over Sandra, saying it was the best photo out of the bunch. Celia got props but was told that she wasn't as believable as Sandra was. All I could do was look at Sandra's ashy knees and wonder why she lied to Ms. J and said that she had just oiled them up? Oh, and yeah: I hate Jill Stuart b/c she clearly hates Celia.

• Times Square: a pretty good picture.

Another well recived photo. Thalia was the break-out star of the bunch. Teyona didn't get much feed-back even though she had a pretty hagard photo. Natalie however got a thourough reaming from Nigel about how NOT believable she looked and just how fake it was. Thank you.

• 5th Ave.: was just OK, nothing to write home about.

The judges were just whatever about the photo. But Tyra did me proud and namecalled "Gossip Girl" as an example for the photo shoot. What was really disappointing was that Allison really did fall flat in the photo. I think everyone was a little surprised by that. But, luckily, London brought something. She brought Crazy! The girl honestly looked like Norma Desmond before the pannel. But her photo was slammin'.

Negative Positive

Nijah - all she's got is her pretty Kortnie - she has potential

Natalie - boring across the board Aminat - finally starting to model

Teyona - just a bad picture but she can do better  Fo - from weak to strong

Allison - another bad picture  Sandra - the best picture

Celia - not their favorite picture but she rocks

Thalia - best shot she has ever done

London - also best shot she's ever done

Deathmatch! Thunderdome!

Nijah vs. Allison

I thought this was a silly pairing. They aren't going to send Allison home! If they had thrown Natalie in there or Teyona, that would have been more interesting. But it wouldn't have made sense since neither of those girls is going home anytime soon. So sorry Nijah; she must have known right away. Anywah, Tyra tells Allison that she's got a special look but the picture didn't and Nijah was just pretty. Looks like pretty is the new Kiss of Death this season!

Going Home: Nijah

Next Week: Drag Queens? Celia takes charge?

ANTM# 3 - Makeovers!

Opening Credits

Can we take a second to aknowledge how fabulous Tyra's boobs are?

The girls all look like Daryl Hanna in "Blade Runner." Which makes perfect sense when you consider that Top Model will be required viewing in America's dystopian future. And Allison gets the last spot, which also seems to be the longest. What are the numbers on that? Does it mean anything in the history of ANTM? I need to investigate...

OK, so we see the girls come back home and there's Allison's photo displayed in the house. She seems kinda embarrassed about it, which is adorable. But Fo is having none of that; she can't seem to understand why she wasn't called first - I mean, she "loved her photo!" Duh, someone has to...

Anyway, Aminat and Sandra have a heart-to-heart in the kitchen, in front of every person in the house. And by heart-to-heart, I mean that Aminat verbally pissed on Sandra. After telling her that "the wrong person went home" (in regards to Izzy, which is not true actually), Sandra doesn't really have much to say. In fact, all we hear is "well, if that's the way you feel..." ZOOM, ZOOM, ZOOM! After all that, she mumbles "bitch" under her breath, away from Aminat, while walking away from the cameras. Uh, OK...

Later, the girls are escorted in a pink and purple plaid limo (Holy Shit!) to Bergdorff Goodman's for - yup! Makeovers! But before any of that can happen Tyra interupts a conversation the "J's" were having (I wonder what those two were talking about?). In a stupid "spy mission" theme, "T" tells them that the girls wll be getting makeovers today - NO MATTER WHAT. In fact, the "J's" have been told to "chop, slice, and dice" if they have to. How do you dice someone's hair? Also, she calls the makeovers "Fatalian." WTF?

Makeovers:

• Jessica - "edgy." Basically she got a few inches cut and red highlights. And she looks the same.
• Sandra - blonde. Supposed to be bright beautiful hair. I think she's disgusting no matter what.
• Allison - long and blonde. Kinda like a mermaid! Sorta whatever for me. Though, it does bring better proprtions to her face.
• Nijah - bigger weave! She does look better.
• Fo - cuteness=bad/short=good. Kind of a Halle Berry look going on now. But she hates it and to punish Tyra she takes a retarded, dead-eyed photo. Way to show her, Fo!
• Celia - short! At first she cries a little but after deciding that it's liberating, she's all for it. And I love the cut - it really brings out her bone structure.
• Aminat - Naomi Campbell! She does look much better and even sasses Ms. J at one point. But I wonder if Tyra throws all these Naomi references as a way of therapy?
• Kortnie - "Code Red." WTF? Tyra can't just say: "We are dying her hair red in hopes that it will off-set her abrassive tan"?
• London - short/blonde/edgy! Love it. And so does she. The Jesus Freak is growing on me!
• Natalie - Jesus Christ! What a huge fuss she makes. She totally flips her shit at the mere thought that she might be getting more than a trim. She ends up pissing off the gay hobbit that was supposed to cut her hair and showing Mr. Jay what an ungrateful whiny bitch she is. But it turned out that they were basically just fucking w/ her and she wan't going to get a makeover. Whatever...she needs a personality makeover.
• Teyona - Jherri Curl! Uh...juciey hair, Tyra? Fuck, that sounds gross.
• Thalia - lion's mane! This is a much better cut on her and she looks a lot younger too.

Fo, needing attention, starts to cry over her hair. Now, I kinda get some of this; when she starts complaining that Natalie didn't get anything done, I actually agreed that was kind of lame. But it's even lamer when Fo grasps for some excuse for what is a cry for attention. Just cut yourself already...

Jessica is getting on my nerves: "nothing can make me ugly!"

And Thalia shops at Wal-Mart. You don't say...

Challenge: Wal-Mart

Question: Do you think Cover Girl Hates that is has a contract w/ Wal-Mart? I think it hates that it has a contract w/ Wal-Mart. Anyway. No Wal-Marts in NY? Oh well, we will just pretend there are! They set up a lame wall display of Cover Girl products in some random store front on what looks like 5th Avenue. The girls are broken up into teams of 3 and are told they have to find some random woman on the street that they think is a Cover Girl. Then they have to bring her back to the "studio" to show them the make-up that suits them.

I'd like to point out that none of the women they brought back to the "studio" were of color. So, either the girls are racist or they are lazy and didn't want to figure out how to do make-up on a black woman.

Team 1 Team 2 Team 3 Team 4

Aminat  Kortnie Thalia Allison

Celia  Teyona Jessica Nijah

Sandra  Fo London Natalie

Team #1: did a good, solid job. But it was pointed out that Sandra said next to nothing during the entire challenge. I'm not having any of that - this bitch needs to step it up.

Team #2: totally sucked. They talked all over each other and were very confusing.

Team #3: complimented on their good make-up skills but were critisized for doing good make-up. Wait, what? Supposedly they spent too much time showing how the make-up worked instead of telling how the make-up worked. Wait, what?

Team #4: oh my god! The woman they chose seemed slightly retarded. They were complimented for treating their girl so well and making her feel great. But they got slammed for bringing the make-up from the wall to their station. Huh?!? Why even provide a station?

Winner: Team #1!

Jessica was having none of that - what's her problem? Maybe that they challenge judges made some bullshit up so they wouldn't get the win? I still hate her though.

At dinner: eating at an African restaurant could have been a great moment for Sandra to talk about her culture - but, instead, she decided to be an asshole. There's my girl. She just loves to alienate/drive people away! Starting off the evening, Sandra passive-agressivly calls out Aminat for having one drink. One god damed drink! Her claim is that models should be on their best behavior. After running her mouth like an idiot, she looks around w/ her Muppet grin for validation. She does not find any. Not even from London! But we do see that she seems to be affected by the other girls' open dislike.

Photo Shoot: Lighting/Self-Directing

First: how fucking creepy was Mr. Jay, just standing there in a dark alley? What is this, "Alice, Sweet Alice?"

This photo shoot is a big deal b/c Nigel is doing it and he's a judge - just in case you didn't know that - thank you Aminat. The basic idea is that three girls will pose in a rape wearhouse. One of them (at a time) will hold a pair of lights that look like dildos. I love group shots b/c it gives the judges a chance to talk shit on more girls at once.

Thalia is amazed by the outfits for the shoot - she didn't realize that there were so many outfits in leather! Not a lot of leather at Wal-Mart? She was also totally confused by everything going on around her. Imagine that.

Allison seemed to do pretty well.

Nijah basically just laid down, which would open up so many jokes about her sexual prowess, except that her eyes were so dead they would all be necrophilia jokes.

Jessica looked a little like a dude. Part of it was the make-up but most of it was that she is really annoying and stupid.

Aminat really bummed me out. I like her b/c she's kinda dumb, looks pretty decient and talks shit to Sandra. So, when Celia totally upstaged her as a background model I felt bad for her. But she seemes like a cool person since she didn't even talk shit on Celia for what was possibly and accident.

Celia does a great job when she is the main focus as well. And Mr. Jay clearly has a lesbian crush on her, pulling her aside to dole out little tips, while all the other girls flounder on their own.

Sandra is disgusting. Mr. Jay had to coach her through several shots but she didn't do a god damned thing.

Kortnie was so fucking lame and clueless about what she was doing. They are lights - hold them - take picture.

London tore that shit up! She must have heard my comment about "Blade Runner" b/c she was scaring me w/ her feirceness.

Teyona genuinely did a great job. She's so soft-spoken that sometimes I forget she's there! But she really made an impression on me and Mr. Jay. Teyona looks like what Grace Jones would have looked like had she been an attractive woman.

Fo, what a fucking Drama Queen! She steps in front of the camera and practically has a nervous break-down. It's still all about the hair, which is so lame. She keeps saying it's "hard" to work w/ short hair. Why? It's just hair! If Tyra had decided to give her a third arm, sewn onto her chest, then, yeah, that's a little hard to work w/.

Natalie is kinda whatever for me. Also, she's getting on my nerves. Looks-wise, she reminds me of Katarzyna (spelling?). Nigel seemed to like her but I'm not feeling it.

Pannel

Have you noticed that they always cover the 17 Magazine w/the Top Model w/ whoever has recently graced the current cover? You know, I'm not interested in looking at Lauren Conrad.

So, Ms. J's gimick this cycle? Wearing a bowtie that get's bigger w/ every elimination. "Cool." But look! Noel is back! And what a huge bitch he is! Notice how Sandra wears the same god damned red shoes all the time? She looks like a nutcracker.

Fo: the issue of crying on set was brought up and she tried to play it off, saying that she actually liked the cut. But Tyra's keen sense of smell sniffed that shit out and called her on it!

Kortnie: dead eyes is what everyone seems to get from her. Kinda like the monolouge that Quint gives in "Jaws."

Nijah: this poor girl was lost from the start. She had no idea what anyone was talking about. I agree that her shirt looked like a nightgown - something Dorothy would have worn on "Golden Girls."

London: looked great in person and on photo. Her pose looked like something from Star Wars, but in a good way.

Allison: great photo. But, uh, isn't this girl supposed to be weird or something?

Sandra: the pannel basically panned her photo. Paulina said she wasn't projecting any light - which is a stupid thing to say since human beings can't do that. But I agree - Sandra is an agent of darkness, so no light projecting here.

Celia: HOLY SHIT. That photo was awesome.

Jessica: created a reality TV deja vu for me. When she primmed her hair I was immediatly brought back to the dark Tatiana del Toro days of American Idol. Luckily, the judges had the good sense to make fun of her for that. They also hated her photo b/c they aren't blind.

Thalia: in the photo she basically just stood there...and looked like an old hooker.

Natalie: what a fucking mess. Her hair, her shirt...ugh. The judges liked the photo but I thought she looked a tad palsey in the eye.

Teyona: her hair is really too funky BUT her photo was awesome.

Aminat: I think she's drowning.

When it came time for the judges to break it down:

Negative Positive

Fo  London

Kortnie  Allison

Nijah  Celia

Sandra  Natalie

Thalia  Teyona

Jessica

Aminat

Deathmatch! Thinderdome Battle!

Fo vs. Jessica

Tyra broke it down for both of them. Fo needs to cut the crying...on set. So, it's OK in the house? I hope so! Jessica is only pretty in person; her photos are nasty. I love that Jessica has started crying even before she's called forward w/ Fo, but she's got her hands jammed into her pockets. Of course Fo stays, she's a cry baby, while Jessica has nothing to bring to the table.

Nobody seems all that bummed that Jessica was leaving - sorry Jessie! Tyra tells her that it's not always about being pretty, blah, blah, blah. Jessica says she understands. But promptly forgets the second she leaves; during her voice-over good by she says that she should have stayed longer b/c she thinks she's prettier than all the other girls! You are Jessie, you are!

Next Week: Charm School